Is there anything you don't "allow" your spouse to do?
I always felt like your relationship should only add to/ enrich your life, never take from it or stop you from it. But now I'm torn. FI's best friend got a motorcycle, and now this past weekend FI's dad got one. So FI wants one and I really, really don't want him to have one. Aside from the money (he really can't afford it but he thinks he can), I just get so scared at the safety aspect. No matter how slow and safe HE is, there a million cars and trucks who are texting or not paying attention and hit motorcycles and make it very unsafe. I'm sorry that I'm getting married for the reason of being with him forever, so yea I'm going to be a little selfish and not want him to be risking his life. I don't think that's too unreasonable. He thinks that argument is ridiculous because I can "just as easily die in my car on the way to work" according to him.
I don't know. Is it my place to tell him he can't do something or is that wrong? He respects my opinion and goes along with what I say for mostly everything so I don't want to feel like I'm trampling on him but I also don't want him to get hurt. Do you guys have things that one would like to do but isn't "allowed"? (I mean recreational things that don't have to do with the relationship- don't say he's not allowed to bang his secretary lol)
Re: Is there anything you don't "allow" your spouse to do?
I don't think I have ever told H I FORBID YOU, but I have straight up told him "I don't want you to do that" and "I will NOT be happy if you do that". I honestly cannot remember what those situations were, but he respected my feelings enough to listen.
H used to have a bike when we were first dating that he never rode because after he got it he started a new job and had no free time. Recently he talked about getting another one and I said "I don't think so". And he just laughed off the idea. I will always tell him my initial reaction (and vice versa) and if either of us really want to change the other persons mind we do our research and bring it up at a later time.
OH, I remember something, H used to smoke when we first started dating and I told him that if he wants to continue to date me he needs to stop smoking; major deal breaker for me. He has been smoke free for 9 years now
When I asked to buy a golf cart (we live in a country club community), he said absolutely not!! He believes it to be a waste, even if I was the one paying for it. So, I said "fine. No golf cart? Then no motorcycle!" we agreed that was fair.
FI will be getting a motorcycle. I'm not a fan of them and I don't ever plan on riding on one but he's grown up with them. Both of his parents have motorcycles and he's been riding with them since he was a little kid. It's just one of those things that I've had to let go and let me him do if he wants to. He knows my reservations and understands my feelings and that's really all I can expect.
Now, the one thing I really do not want in my house are guns. FFIL has a couple of guns and FI keeps mentioning that he wants to get one some day but I am still very firmly against it. I respect the rights of gun owners and don't think they should be taken away, I just don't want a gun in my house. Luckily for now, FI's want for a gun is very fleeting but I have a feeling this will be a much more serious discussion down the road.
There's really nothing else though that FI or I forbid the other from doing/purchasing.
I'm the fuck out.
We don't forbid things in our relationship though we have an agreement that no one spends more than $100 without discussing it first (with the exception of bills, everyday expenses, etc.). Talking through expenditures helps with some of those conversations.
That said, there's one thing that FI's not allowed to do: buy cigarettes. I didn't realize until late in our 3rd date that he smoked - and I don't date smokers. He quit for me but has had a rough time of it. He'll bum cigarettes when he's around smokers (fortunately, he doesn't know that many) and can make a cigarette last 2 weeks by taking a quick puff at night before bed. I wish he'd quit completely but am so proud that he's done as well as he has.
I came with horses when we met.
I was nervous about the bike for a while, until I started riding with him, talking to him about it, the group he rides with, and realized, he's a damn good rider with literally decades of experience on a bike. He did the same thing with my horses (I lack decades of experience, I've only got about 7-8 years of ownership).
I think it's exploring -WHY- something is so important to our partner, and WHY they want to do/experience something.
I've never forbidden him from doing something (like his "Boys only" motorcycle trips), but I -DO- let him know when I'm unhappy about it. And, if my reasoning is sound and rational, he takes it in to consideration and will either alter his plans or not, depending on the situation.
I'm not his mom, and I don't own or control him, so I can't picture myself ever "forbidding" him from doing something that means so much to him. But, I do expect him to take my fears and concerns in to consideration and explain to me WHY he's doing something if I've told him I'm worried about it.
FI does speed sometimes if he's running late for work and I tell him not to do it (bc I'm selfish and I need him)
@TwoDimes FI and I are both gun enthusiasts and anyone who uses guns should have a safe and use them following the safety rules, which includes no drinking.
There is nothing I would forbid him to do, unless it's illegal. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but he's a home brewer and he really wants to try distilling, which is illegal. So therefore forbidding something illegal.
He considered for a while about getting a motorcycle, I told him that was fine but he had to take lessons/safety classes and I wouldn't get on it with him until he'd ridden for 2 years. I have no idea if he still wants one. My brother rides and dumped his bike last summer, he broke his leg and dislocated his shoulder. He'd been riding for 20+ years and that was his first accident. He wasn't sure he'd ever ride again. Yeah, he just bought a new bike.
H has no interest in guns, he has a tattoo and we both smoke.
I am not allowed to get any neck tattoos, says FI. I think that's fair, because neck tattoos are weird.
Luckily, FI made the decision himself to not smoke ciggies in the house when he started smoking eons ago. Otherwise when we moved in together I'd of probably kindly-forbid him from smoking in the house. But because I get migraines from ciggie smoke, not because I am uber picky or anything.
But not a crazy long beard.