Wedding Etiquette Forum

Proposing to Bridesmaids

I'm that crazy girl who is going to have 13 bridesmaids.  I need a cute but inexpensive way of asking them to be apart of my special day. I have been all over the internet looking for fun ideas but nothing has caught my eye yet. . .Help!
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Re: Proposing to Bridesmaids

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2014
    Don't "propose" to your bridesmaids.  Just ask them individually, without being cute, giving them gifts, or other "cutesy" gimmicks.

    For some reason, there's this idea going around that asking bridesmaids needs to be done in a "cute," "fun," "original/unique," "clever," or "special" way.  But it often makes the askees really uncomfortable because it puts them in the hot seat.  They feel too much pressure to say yes, even if it really isn't practical for them.

    Being a bridesmaid isn't cheap, and depending on a variety of factors, it may not even be possible for some women.  Don't put them in situations where having to say no would make them feel very uncomfortable and unhappy.  There is no guarantee that they can do it.  And even the best of friends aren't always into weddings and being bridesmaids.  They'll still attend the wedding and be happy for you, but they'd rather just be guests.
    doeydoPrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88knottie83bd5c83a89b9680
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just ask them. It doesn't need to be some over the top production. 

    And a proposal? Really? 
    doeydo
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    mysticl said:
    Here's how I asked my MOH. "You know you're the Maid of Honor, right?"
    Same here. And my friend who I was getting ready to ask to be a BM but hadn't yet was like "So when are we going dress shopping?" 

    No big production. Hell, I didn't even really ask anyone.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Are you asking them to marry you? ;)  So, no need to "propose."

    Just ask them individually in person or over the phone.  Have a conversation, tell her she means a lot to you, and ask if she will be in the WP.  Personal conversation is far more important in my book than some OTT production.

    I was asked to be a BM at a big get-together with Pinterest-inspired little boxes, etc.  It was cute but honestly I would have much preferred a one-on-one conversation.  Of course I still said yes.  But it has also put me on alert that this bride is a little OTT.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I understand that you want to or think you need to do this big "proposal" but it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the girls you're asking. And some might be afraid to say no if they can't do it. Or some might say no because they're afraid you'll be expecting a ton from them in the planning process. Just take them out to lunch (if you want something big) and ask them individually. Or just call them up and have a conversation with them and ask.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I called one sister and asked.  I asked the other sister at a family cookout when we had a moment to ourselves.  I asked our third BM while we were at dinner with her and her DH.  It really doesn't have to be a big to-do.
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  • I did buy those silly "cute" cards which in hindsight was dumb, but inside I wrote about our friendship, some of my favorite things about them, and how lucky I am to have them in my life as a friend which I think they appreciated.

    I don't think you can go wrong with a heartfelt card, but don't make it wedding-y and be sure to ask them one on one so there isn't 3rd party pressure to say yes.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • jnissajnissa member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I got asked to be in a wedding party in one of these cutesy ways (think wine bottle, ribbons and pre-made "bridesmaid" t-shirt) in a public place. So awkward because the moment she asked and gave me the items (which had the date on them) I knew I had to say no because it was also my mother's 70th birthday party date. Awkwardtown. So if you go cute route, just be sure you know it may not put the women you're asking in a great position. 
    KatWAGPrettyGirlLostashley8918jenna8984
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't know that I ever asked..... I think I was talking to SIL about picking out dresses and she was like "oh, do you want me to be a BM?"- I guess I had forgotten to actually, you know, ASK her! My MOH is my twin sister (also never asked) and my third is my BFF from college- I am pretty sure I just told her.

    There was zero production involved.
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  • PPs have given great feedback, but I want to offer one more thought for you in the anti-"proposal" camp:

    We often tell brides that they need to realize their attendants/bridal party members are NOT props, they're actual people with feelings and they need to be treated as such. If I were on the receiving end of one these cutesy "proposals," I would think I'm just an item on your to-do list that you can check off now, right after you take a picture of it to post to your Pintrest board/Instagram/Facebook wedding album/etc... as if I'm just a prop/photo-op. I would love much more for you to even ask me in a text. 
    aaemeryMarzipan13doeydo[Deleted User]
  • I agree with pps. It could put unintentional pressure on a person if they want to decline.

    I've been in a couple of bridal parties and never received an over the top ask before, but I remember the moments clearly and they weren't any less special.
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  • Echoing PPs.  I got a card in the mail about checking 'yes' or 'no', which forced me to call the bride to say yes.  I then threw the card away.
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    I asked one of my BMs via FB Chat. It's not necessary to make a production out of it. If you do want to do something special, I agree with PPs: write a heartfelt letter or card.
  • Making a big production out of "proposing" to your BMs and MOH is severely unnecessary. Just ask them. The idea of "proposing" to BMs / MOHs always struck me as a "I need to win them over!!" kind of move. If you truly value their friendship, and they truly value yours, there's no need to ask them with ridiculous pomp & circumstance.
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    doeydo
  • I personally think giving a small gift is very sweet! I was just asked to be a BM a few days ago. We went to lunch by ourselves, then she gave me a card about our friendship asking if I would be a BM, along with a really pretty bracelet. I loved it! . 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    chelcee22 said:
    I personally think giving a small gift is very sweet! I was just asked to be a BM a few days ago. We went to lunch by ourselves, then she gave me a card about our friendship asking if I would be a BM, along with a really pretty bracelet. I loved it! . 
    How "sweet" would it have been if you had to say no?

    Wouldn't it have made you very uncomfortable that someone did all this for you and you wouldn't have been able to give them what they wanted in return?
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mysticl said:
    Here's how I asked my MOH. "You know you're the Maid of Honor, right?"
    Ha.  When my sister got engaged she said "You know you are my MOH and I will be yours if you get married".

    Of course, she was when the time came (many years later).

    I've been a BM many times and with the exception of my sister who told me I was the MOH, I was just asked over the phone or in person.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I was "asked" to be in my friends wedding the day we went to buy her wedding dress.  She found her dress and then she started looking at BM dresses.  She asked me and her sister if we wanted to try some on.  So from that I assumed I was a BM.  Then two weeks later I received a "will you be my BM?" card in the mail.  Well since I had tried on BM dresses two weeks prior I am pretty sure she already knew my answer.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    KatWAG said:
    Where did this term "bridesmaid proposal" come from? there are 2-3 threads on this just today. Did TK put out some stupid article again?

    Maybe it's in the water supply?
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    KatWAG said:
    Where did this term "bridesmaid proposal" come from? there are 2-3 threads on this just today. Did TK put out some stupid article again?
    The Pinterest wedding board.  That board needs to disappear.

  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    chibiyui said:
    So, while I agree you shouldn't ask your bridesmaids with a gift, if you happen to have a bottle of wine nearby for after I say yes, I'd really appreciate that. .......#noshame
    Anyone here who needs another bridesmaid and has an extra bottle of wine laying around??
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    SewInLoveWithDMBashley8918
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP please read this thread before you consider a showy, public "proposal"
    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1031302/bridesmaid-budget#latest

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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