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13+ reception, how do I tell the parents?

pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My wedding ceremony and reception will be a 13+ event and, on my side only, I have a few cousins who have young children. How do I tell them their child can't come to the ceremony and reception without hurting their feelings?
I should note, there will be a child care room, monitored by Early Childhood Educators, right next to the reception room and I will be providing food and drinks to the kids.
Basically, I want to know how to politely say "your child can't come" lol
Help!?
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Re: 13+ reception, how do I tell the parents?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My wedding ceremony and reception will be a 13+ event and, on my side only, I have a few cousins who have young children. How do I tell them their child can't come to the ceremony and reception without hurting their feelings?
    I should note, there will be a child care room, monitored by Early Childhood Educators, right next to the reception room and I will be providing food and drinks to the kids.
    Basically, I want to know how to politely say "your child can't come" lol
    Help!?
    Question, do any of these families have children that span the cut off age?  Meaning, do they have say a child who is 8 and one who is 15?  If so, it would be very rude to split up a family and only invite their 15 year old and not their 8 year old.

    When you address your invites you only put the names of those invited.  You can include an insert to let the parents know about the onsite child care if they would like to use it.  But just be prepared for a lot of phone calls from parents who may RSVP with more then who was actually invited.  When you have to make these calls just tell them that unfortunately the invite was only for X and Y but onsite child care will be provided.

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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    Address the invitations to the people invited. You don't need to announce who ISN'T invited, people understand that mail is for the people it is addressed to.

    I wouldn't split up families, or expect kids to stay in the kiddie room when their siblings, parents, cousins are all partying next door. It might be a nice place for them to crash when they are sleepy, but otherwise, I wouldn't use it.

    Also, anyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception, so if you are having the little ones at the ceremony, they must also be invited to the reception.
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Luckily there are no families that will be split. All the children are either over 13 or under 10. But I was planning on including a letter with their invite, just to make everything clear...I'm just a little concerned with how to properly word it.
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    That sounds good Maggie, thank you for your input :)
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Luckily there are no families that will be split. All the children are either over 13 or under 10. But I was planning on including a letter with their invite, just to make everything clear...I'm just a little concerned with how to properly word it.
     
    SITB
     
    I wouldn't write a letter. They should get the hint with the names on the envelopes. As PP suggested, you could include a slip with the childcare information.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.

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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    you're probably right, Thanks Sara :)
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
    I think you just need to be flexible. If a kid is really having a meltdown and they want to be with Mommy and Daddy because they know that they are in same location just in a different room you may just have to deal. Is the reason you don't want these kids under 13 at your reception because of a venue rule or because you think kids under 13 will be distracting? There is no right answer to that, just wanting a clearer picture. I mean if it is a venue rule then you will need to let the parents of the younger one's know that.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    We had a childless wedding, so I hear you here. However, I would not send a letter - just address the invitation to who is invited. And consider putting:

    ____# attending

    on your RSVP card versus the traditional check box so that if people reply with more, you can follow up. Or if you're having menu choices, ask them to initial by the menu choice - then if you see initials of people who aren't invited, follow up.

    You don't need to have a kid room or anything like that. People can figure out babysitters, activities, etc. for their children.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
    Yeah, no babysitter is telling me that I can't take my own child out of a room. You need to make sure that parents understand that you do not want their children present at your wedding and that the babysitting is being provided as an amenity so that they don't have to find and pay for a sitter on their own. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    mysticl said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
    Yeah, no babysitter bride is telling me that I can't take my own child out of a room. You need to make sure that parents understand that you do not want their children present at your wedding and that the babysitting is being provided as an amenity so that they don't have to find and pay for a sitter on their own. 
    Yeah, it's pretty presumptuous and controlling on a number of levels.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • mysticlmysticl member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    mysticl said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
    Yeah, no babysitter is telling me that I can't take my own child out of a room. You need to make sure that parents understand that you do not want their children present at your wedding and that the babysitting is being provided as an amenity so that they don't have to find and pay for a sitter on their own. 
    This is kind of why I am against providing onsite child care. There is just too much of a gray area where the parents are concern. They tend to think, "oh great I can leave little Susie with the onsite sitter, but if once we get there and she is not happy then I will just bring her to the wedding."
    Or "oh cool, if Johnny gets tired or bored after dinner he can pop in there and play for a while".  I really think that if you put anything about kids at the wedding in the invite (babysitting, kids meal options, etc.) it can lead people to believe that the person sending out the invites was not aware of the proper way to address them and left the kids' names off by mistake.  
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    My concern is that I don't want young children at the ceremony OR reception. The kid room is pretty big, they can bring their toys and there will be a TV in the room and I'm sure they'll be able to use the pool (it's in a hotel) but I would have to double check that. Also, there will be professionals watching their kids, it's not like random people I found on craigslist haha
    Just know that if one of the kids starts having a tantrum and the parents go get their child and bring him/her into the reception then you either have to have the venue staff or security ask them to leave or just deal with the fact that a kid younger then 13 is in your reception space.
    Hmm, yeah that could be a problem. I'll have to let my ECE's know that the kids are not allowed to leave that room, unless of course the whole family is completely leaving my wedding. I'll have a list of rules and stuff for them to follow I'm sure #analbride lmao
    I think you just need to be flexible. If a kid is really having a meltdown and they want to be with Mommy and Daddy because they know that they are in same location just in a different room you may just have to deal. Is the reason you don't want these kids under 13 at your reception because of a venue rule or because you think kids under 13 will be distracting? There is no right answer to that, just wanting a clearer picture. I mean if it is a venue rule then you will need to let the parents of the younger one's know that.

    it's not a venue rule, just a personal preference. I don't want children making noise during my vows. Also, I was at a wedding recently that had a ton of kids and the dance floor was full of children running around and no one wanted to go dance, which I think is rather unfair. I'm not paying 400$ for a DJ to play music for kids to run around to. ALSO, my buffet dinner is 36$ a person...which includes kids, so it's also a price thing, I just can't afford to pay that much for a kid who will eat two bites and run away.
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    We had a childless wedding, so I hear you here. However, I would not send a letter - just address the invitation to who is invited. And consider putting:

    ____# attending

    on your RSVP card versus the traditional check box so that if people reply with more, you can follow up. Or if you're having menu choices, ask them to initial by the menu choice - then if you see initials of people who aren't invited, follow up.

    You don't need to have a kid room or anything like that. People can figure out babysitters, activities, etc. for their children.

    All the children are under 10 and are from out of town. I don't want to put their parents in the hard position of finding someone to watch them for the weekend. I wanted their parents to come and I thought if I provided a child care solution then they would be more inclined to.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    scribe95 said:
    Then don't invite them. Perfectly acceptable. If someone asks or RSVP's for kids say, "I'm sorry we are unable to accommodate them." A child care room seems optional and just confuses the whole issue.
    This.  I would nix the child care and just invite who you want to invite.

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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Hmm, I honestly never thought the child care room would be confusing, actually I thought it was brilliant lol I'll probably have it anyway, I just don't want to inconvenience people (just the way I am I guess =/ ) I'll just have to hope people are understanding that my wedding is a childless wedding (ceremony AND reception) although, if a kid is really throwing a shit fit then...not much I can do =/
    I'll just have to give the parents a lot of notice about what the plan is and if they want to find alternate care for their kids then great! or get them prepared for a day care/babysitter situation, that's fine too. I'm sure most of them are used to being watched by someone other than their parents...I hope o.o
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Thanks everyone for your input and suggestions, I am taking them all into serious consideration!
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Hmm, I honestly never thought the child care room would be confusing, actually I thought it was brilliant lol I'll probably have it anyway, I just don't want to inconvenience people (just the way I am I guess =/ ) I'll just have to hope people are understanding that my wedding is a childless wedding (ceremony AND reception) although, if a kid is really throwing a shit fit then...not much I can do =/
    I'll just have to give the parents a lot of notice about what the plan is and if they want to find alternate care for their kids then great! or get them prepared for a day care/babysitter situation, that's fine too. I'm sure most of them are used to being watched by someone other than their parents...I hope o.o
    But it isn't a kid free wedding because you are inviting kids who are 13 or older.  So the parents with kids in the child care room may be thinking well, if that kid who over there can be here then I am going to go grab little Susie and bring her in here to have some fun with Mom and Dad.

    As to the last bolded portion.  Yeah they may be used to someone watching them that isn't their parents.  But the kids have probably had time to get to know their babysitters or day care providers. You are basically bringing in strangers to watch these kids and some kids don't do well with strangers.  And some parents aren't super thrilled with strangers (even professionals) watching their kids without meeting them first.

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    We had a childless wedding, so I hear you here. However, I would not send a letter - just address the invitation to who is invited. And consider putting:

    ____# attending

    on your RSVP card versus the traditional check box so that if people reply with more, you can follow up. Or if you're having menu choices, ask them to initial by the menu choice - then if you see initials of people who aren't invited, follow up.

    You don't need to have a kid room or anything like that. People can figure out babysitters, activities, etc. for their children.

    All the children are under 10 and are from out of town. I don't want to put their parents in the hard position of finding someone to watch them for the weekend. I wanted their parents to come and I thought if I provided a child care solution then they would be more inclined to.
    Since you want an adult only wedding, those guests are going to have to figure out what to do with their kids, or decline.  Just the way it is.

    The kid's play room is just going to be a logistical nightmare for you imo.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Hmm, I honestly never thought the child care room would be confusing, actually I thought it was brilliant lol I'll probably have it anyway, I just don't want to inconvenience people (just the way I am I guess =/ ) I'll just have to hope people are understanding that my wedding is a childless wedding (ceremony AND reception) although, if a kid is really throwing a shit fit then...not much I can do =/
    I'll just have to give the parents a lot of notice about what the plan is and if they want to find alternate care for their kids then great! or get them prepared for a day care/babysitter situation, that's fine too. I'm sure most of them are used to being watched by someone other than their parents...I hope o.o
    But it isn't a kid free wedding because you are inviting kids who are 13 or older.  So the parents with kids in the child care room may be thinking well, if that kid who over there can be here then I am going to go grab little Susie and bring her in here to have some fun with Mom and Dad.

    As to the last bolded portion.  Yeah they may be used to someone watching them that isn't their parents.  But the kids have probably had time to get to know their babysitters or day care providers. You are basically bringing in strangers to watch these kids and some kids don't do well with strangers.  And some parents aren't super thrilled with strangers (even professionals) watching their kids without meeting them first.
    well, the youngest kid that is allowed to come is 13 and the oldest kid that is not invited is going to be 8, so that's quite the age gap so I'm really hoping people arent thinking "well, if that person is here, my kid should be too" and honestly, I'm going to give them enough time to think about it, if they have a serious issue, then they can decline the invitation or find alternate child care. It's not like this is the end all be all of child care options lol I was just providing this service to be helpful to my out of towners, but, if they don't want to use it, hey, at least I tried, right? I'll be disappointed if they don't come just because of this "issue" but, that's their choice and not mine. I'll have fun without them :)
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I would really like a vote from parents on here and see if they would prefer onsite child care over just figuring it out themselves with people they know and trust and if they can't, just decline the invite.

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  • NymeruNymeru member
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    I've realized through this whole process that very few people understand the etiquette surrounding who is invited to the wedding based on the names on the envelope.  We are also having a no-kids wedding, and one way we were politely able to hint that was to put "We have reserved __2__ seats in your honor" on the RSVP card.  The few parents who did call me were already pretty sure that their kids weren't invited without me having to go into great detail, so the phone calls were easy to deal with (until my FMIL stuck her nose into everything, but that's a whole other story).

    Having the child care room does sort of send a mixed message, but is a nice accommodation to offer your guests.  But like PP said, be prepared for the floodgates to open if the kids want to be with their parents.  You won't have any choice about that.
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  • pinkjunebride15pinkjunebride15 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    mysticl said:
    SamanthaandDevin2015 said:
    Hmm, I honestly never thought the child care room would be confusing, actually I thought it was brilliant lol I'll probably have it anyway, I just don't want to inconvenience people (just the way I am I guess =/ ) I'll just have to hope people are understanding that my wedding is a childless wedding (ceremony AND reception) although, if a kid is really throwing a shit fit then...not much I can do =/
    I'll just have to give the parents a lot of notice about what the plan is and if they want to find alternate care for their kids then great! or get them prepared for a day care/babysitter situation, that's fine too. I'm sure most of them are used to being watched by someone other than their parents...I hope o.o
    There is a difference between being watched by someone other than their parents and being watched by a complete stranger.  Especially in a strange environment with a bunch of strange kids.  Personally, I'd rather arrange my own childcare or just stay home.  

    Well, the kids are used to each other because they're all cousins. All the kids are from my side of the family, my fiances side doesn't have any kids younger than 13. But I can see what you're saying. Well, it's an option for them to take or decline. I figured I'd offer it and see what happens, if they decline, then so be it. I'm sure a few will accept and not mind (at the last wedding we attended, which was a family wedding in a small country hall, one of my cousins put his sleeping baby in a closet so she could sleep lol) so I'm sure they won't mind an actual professional watching them...plus, the parents can come and go in that room as they please.
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