13+ reception, how do I tell the parents?

mellowmarshmallow · July 2014

I agree with PP that having a childcare room is confusing. Either kids are invited to everything or they're not. Allowing parents to bring kids but then relegating them to a separate space seems unnecessarily complicated. Parents are used to finding childcare for their children, let them do that part.

My suggestion is to invite only adults by putting their names on the invitation and leave the childcare to the parents.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

mysticl said:

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

Hmm, I honestly never thought the child care room would be confusing, actually I thought it was brilliant lol I'll probably have it anyway, I just don't want to inconvenience people (just the way I am I guess =/ ) I'll just have to hope people are understanding that my wedding is a childless wedding (ceremony AND reception) although, if a kid is really throwing a shit fit then...not much I can do =/
I'll just have to give the parents a lot of notice about what the plan is and if they want to find alternate care for their kids then great! or get them prepared for a day care/babysitter situation, that's fine too. I'm sure most of them are used to being watched by someone other than their parents...I hope o.o

There is a difference between being watched by someone other than their parents and being watched by a complete stranger. Especially in a strange environment with a bunch of strange kids. Personally, I'd rather arrange my own childcare or just stay home.

Well, the kids are used to each other because they're all cousins. All the kids are from my side of the family, my fiances side doesn't have any kids younger than 13. But I can see what you're saying. Well, it's an option for them to take or decline. I figured I'd offer it and see what happens, if they decline, then so be it. I'm sure a few will accept and not mind (at the last wedding we attended, which was a family wedding in a small country hall, one of my cousins put his sleeping baby in a closet so she could sleep lol) so I'm sure they won't mind an actual professional watching them...plus, the parents can come and go in that room as they please.

The bolded is one of the most dangerous assumptions you can make, in all aspects of life. Stay away from assumptions and you'll be much better off.

pinkjunebride15 · July 2014

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

misshart00 · July 2014

Maggie0829 said:
I would really like a vote from parents on here and see if they would prefer onsite child care over just figuring it out themselves with people they know and trust and if they can't, just decline the invite.

I've really thought about this and I have no idea. No, I don't really want to leave my kids with strangers. But depending on how old they are during the wedding, I don't know that I just want to leave them with grandma the whole weekend. Plus, it would be nice to pop over to another room to check on them. So, again, I have no idea. I've never been put in this situation.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

We had a childless wedding, so I hear you here. However, I would not send a letter - just address the invitation to who is invited. And consider putting:

____# attending

on your RSVP card versus the traditional check box so that if people reply with more, you can follow up. Or if you're having menu choices, ask them to initial by the menu choice - then if you see initials of people who aren't invited, follow up.

You don't need to have a kid room or anything like that. People can figure out babysitters, activities, etc. for their children.

All the children are under 10 and are from out of town. I don't want to put their parents in the hard position of finding someone to watch them for the weekend. I wanted their parents to come and I thought if I provided a child care solution then they would be more inclined to.

We had people at our wedding from OOT. They figured it out. One OOT couple with kids called us up and asked if we had a recommendation for a babysitter. We had a few phone numbers handy in case we got this question. The rest is up to them.

I considered the same thing you're considering, but got the same feedback you're getting now. We ended up taking the advice. I'm REALLY glad we did because on the day of your wedding, you'll be extremely busy and something like that is just one more unnecessary thing to worry about.

Lizzieyounce · July 2014

All of the other PPs have given good advice, but I just want to point out that I wouldn't mention use of the pool by the kids while the reception is going on…I mean,who would watch the kids while they swim? There's no way in hell I'd have allowed my kids (when they were little) to swim, or even be around a pool, if I weren't present to watch them. There's so much potential for tragedy there.

mysticl · July 2014

Lizzieyounce said:

All of the other PPs have given good advice, but I just want to point out that I wouldn't mention use of the pool by the kids while the reception is going on…I mean,who would watch the kids while they swim? There's no way in hell I'd have allowed my kids (when they were little) to swim, or even be around a pool, if I weren't present to watch them. There's so much potential for tragedy there.

Very good point. It's not uncommon for a hotel pool to be "swim at your own risk". And while an actual ECE provider is most likely certified in child and infant CPR, they probably aren't certified life guards. And probably don't want the responsibility of dealing with kids and a pool.

pinkjunebride15 · July 2014

flantastic said:

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

You might not be able to solve it, though. Those parents who couldn't find any other option still might not be comfortable with strangers watching their kids, whatever qualifications. I think you can just let this issue go - people will decline your wedding for any number of things that you can't solve.

Yup. you're so right. I guess it's better to not stress over it.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

flantastic said:

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

You might not be able to solve it, though. Those parents who couldn't find any other option still might not be comfortable with strangers watching their kids, whatever qualifications. I think you can just let this issue go - people will decline your wedding for any number of things that you can't solve.

Exactly this. Honestly, about half a dozen families declined my brother's wedding invitation not because their kids weren't invited, but because they were so offended that he and his FI wrote "no kids under 8" on the invitations, and following it up with "it's just not appropriate for kids." Um, are you having strippers with flaming ninja swords at your wedding?? It was a slap in the face to them that he would judge their parenting/intelligence by insinuating that they couldn't a) make their own call on which situation was and was not appropriate for their kids or b) figure out who the damn invitation was actually addressed to on their own.

At the end of the day, the only people who are responsible for those kids are their parents. They'll figure it out. They'll either ask you for suggestions, leave them home with someone, or they'll bring Grandma along to stay with the kids in their hotel room. You can't assume what those parents will feel is the best solution for their own children, and publicizing a lot of childcare details only sends mixed messages. Yes, you may still get people who decline because of their kids or for any other number of reasons, but there's no foolproof way of preventing that.

op2015 · July 2014

I hope this is not inappropriate because I am not the OP, but I am having a 16+ wedding and this has been VERY helpful. I have read all about the etiquette of "adults only" receptions and how to properly inform your guests and I truly appreciate @NYmeru 's post. I think your suggestion is just great and is the least offensive! I was also thinking of indicating that the wedding is 16+ on the "additional information" portion of the wedding site, would this be terrible?

Maggie0829 · July 2014

Look the parents can make child care arrangements. I don't understand why brides feel like they have to "control" or figure out every little detail! These kids are not your kids. Don't make child care decisions for kids that aren't yours. Let the parents do it. You will be amazed at how much less stress you will have if you just stop trying to "control" or "help" everything and everyone.

RissAnn1970 · July 2014

I'm curious. You said part of the reason you don't want kids at the reception is the cost per head for catering. Are you not providing food for these kids at all? I foresee a problem with you allowing the kids to be there (in the kids' area) just as long as the parents but not feeding them. What are they supposed to do for their meal while you all are eating?

JCbride2015 · July 2014

op2015 said:

I hope this is not inappropriate because I am not the OP, but I am having a 16+ wedding and this has been VERY helpful. I have read all about the etiquette of "adults only" receptions and how to properly inform your guests and I truly appreciate @NYmeru 's post. I think your suggestion is just great and is the least offensive! I was also thinking of indicating that the wedding is 16+ on the "additional information" portion of the wedding site, would this be terrible?

Just don't list anything. If anybody RSVP's with younger children, call them individually and correct the mistake. The less you mention who isn't invited, the better.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

op2015 said:

I hope this is not inappropriate because I am not the OP, but I am having a 16+ wedding and this has been VERY helpful. I have read all about the etiquette of "adults only" receptions and how to properly inform your guests and I truly appreciate @NYmeru 's post. I think your suggestion is just great and is the least offensive! I was also thinking of indicating that the wedding is 16+ on the "additional information" portion of the wedding site, would this be terrible?

Just address the invitation to who is invited. Keep it simple. Do not put "16+ only" or any "cute" rendition thereof. Just address the invitation to who you want to attend. If you're worried that your family will not understand this you could word your RSVP card similarly to what we did:

"We look forward to celebrating with you!

___# attending

___ decline with regret"

Or if you're having menu choices:

"We look forward to celebrating with you!

___# attending

___ decline with regret

Please write each guest's initials by their menu choice:

___ beef dish

___ chicken dish

___ vegetarian dish"

If you get higher numbers and/or initials of people who aren't actually invited, you make a phone call. It's super easy and will not offend anyone.

RissAnn1970 · July 2014

Whoops, I take it back. You said you were providing food & drink to the kids. Good. I agree that having the room is confusing, but at least you're not starving anyone. I was too busy marveling at price differences in different parts of the country. My price per head was triple yours & my DJ went for more than triple. Crazy!

op2015 · July 2014

Thanks everyone! You are truly helpful!

pinkjunebride15 · July 2014

mysticl said:

Lizzieyounce said:

All of the other PPs have given good advice, but I just want to point out that I wouldn't mention use of the pool by the kids while the reception is going on…I mean,who would watch the kids while they swim? There's no way in hell I'd have allowed my kids (when they were little) to swim, or even be around a pool, if I weren't present to watch them. There's so much potential for tragedy there.

Very good point. It's not uncommon for a hotel pool to be "swim at your own risk". And while an actual ECE provider is most likely certified in child and infant CPR, they probably aren't certified life guards. And probably don't want the responsibility of dealing with kids and a pool.

Yeah, that's actually a really good point.

MandyMost · July 2014

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

Generally I think of a child care room as a way to better accommodate children who are invited to the wedding, not as a way to keep them out! I think that's where the confusion lies.

Your not using the child care room as a way to accommodate your young guests. Instead, it's an amenity that's being offered at the hotel (even if you're paying for it). Think of it more like providing transportation to your guests. I went to a wedding where the hotel was in the city (easy to get to via Taxi or public transportation from the airport), but the venue was about an hour a way on a mountain. The couple was clear with everyone that transportation would be provided from the hotel. Otherwise, I would have been freaking out about renting a car, and how to get there, etc.

It doesn't sound like you're talking about a huge group of people. All you need to do is only invite the people who you want to invite (i.e. not the kids), and then let them know about the accommodations you have for them overall, including any options for child care that they're free to use if they choose to bring their kids to town and don't have their own babysitter to use. You just have to be clear that that all it is is a babysitter they're free to use if they can't find their own and need one...it's not an invite of the kids to this playroom at your wedding!

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

Honestly I would think the child care room was being provided for the kids when they were bored, and I'd keep my daughter with me. If you spelled it out that she wasn't invited I would decline. I was a single parent when she was younger but I've always been picky about who watched her (if it wasn't me or my folks).

She's 13 now so I guess she'd be on the "safe" list.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

MandyMost said:

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

Generally I think of a child care room as a way to better accommodate children who are invited to the wedding, not as a way to keep them out! I think that's where the confusion lies.

Your not using the child care room as a way to accommodate your young guests. Instead, it's an amenity that's being offered at the hotel (even if you're paying for it). Think of it more like providing transportation to your guests. I went to a wedding where the hotel was in the city (easy to get to via Taxi or public transportation from the airport), but the venue was about an hour a way on a mountain. The couple was clear with everyone that transportation would be provided from the hotel. Otherwise, I would have been freaking out about renting a car, and how to get there, etc.

It doesn't sound like you're talking about a huge group of people. All you need to do is only invite the people who you want to invite (i.e. not the kids), and then let them know about the accommodations you have for them overall, including any options for child care that they're free to use if they choose to bring their kids to town and don't have their own babysitter to use. You just have to be clear that that all it is is a babysitter they're free to use if they can't find their own and need one...it's not an invite of the kids to this playroom at your wedding!

This.

Simky906 · July 2014

I'm curious to hear the Knotties feedback for this one. I picked up Miss Manners Guide to a Suprisingly Dignified Wedding over the weekend as I've heard her cited as the best etiquette expert. In OP's type of situation Miss Manners suggests sending a separate invite to the children inviting them to a children's party at the same time as the wedding. That invite would indicate that babysitters will be provided for the kids party. What do the Knotties think about that?

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Simky906 said:

I'm curious to hear the Knotties feedback for this one. I picked up Miss Manners Guide to a Suprisingly Dignified Wedding over the weekend as I've heard her cited as the best etiquette expert. In OP's type of situation Miss Manners suggests sending a separate invite to the children inviting them to a children's party at the same time as the wedding. That invite would indicate that babysitters will be provided for the kids party. What do the Knotties think about that?

I think it's unnecessary and a logistical mess, honestly. There's a difference in Miss Manners' writings on stuff that's absolutely required and stuff that's just "nice".

This would fall into the "nice" but not necessary category. Since it's not required by any means and it poses a serious logistical/confusing problem for OP and her guests, people here are recommending against it.

mysticl · July 2014

Simky906 said:

I'm curious to hear the Knotties feedback for this one. I picked up Miss Manners Guide to a Suprisingly Dignified Wedding over the weekend as I've heard her cited as the best etiquette expert. In OP's type of situation Miss Manners suggests sending a separate invite to the children inviting them to a children's party at the same time as the wedding. That invite would indicate that babysitters will be provided for the kids party. What do the Knotties think about that?

I think it could be a cute idea. However, if they are being invited to a party it truly needs to be a party, not just a room with toys, movies, and babysitters. The qualifications of the babysitters should somehow be conveyed to the parents. And I'm still not entirely sure it would eliminate confusion.

Simky906 · July 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

Simky906 said:

I'm curious to hear the Knotties feedback for this one. I picked up Miss Manners Guide to a Suprisingly Dignified Wedding over the weekend as I've heard her cited as the best etiquette expert. In OP's type of situation Miss Manners suggests sending a separate invite to the children inviting them to a children's party at the same time as the wedding. That invite would indicate that babysitters will be provided for the kids party. What do the Knotties think about that?

I think it's unnecessary and a logistical mess, honestly. There's a difference in Miss Manners' writings on stuff that's absolutely required and stuff that's just "nice".

This would fall into the "nice" but not necessary category. Since it's not required by any means and it poses a serious logistical/confusing problem for OP and her guests, people here are recommending against it.

That makes sense. I'm inviting kids to my wedding but I had a good friend ask me about this topic yesterday, so I will definitely be sending her this thread!

MobKaz · July 2014

1. I would not have my children watched by a stranger.

2. It is best to have parents decide on childcare. They need to decide whether they leave kids home or decline attendance.

3. What happens if most guests with childcare issues decline, or attend without their children? If John and Mary Smith bring their child and discover their Susan is the only child in daycare, they might not be comfortable leaving her there.

happywiggle · July 2014

PPs covered everything, but I have one thing to add. OP, if you're wedding isn't coming up in the next few months (I'm guessing mid-2015 by your post history), you may want to not make a final decision on this until you're ready to send the invites. You're feelings may change on the matter

It's slightly off-topic, but this is why I said the above: I was original all for an adult-only wedding, thinking about how to word things when my wedding isn't until July 2015. My plans changed when 1) I found out I was pregnant and going to have an infant at the time and 2) my aunt is also pregnant and due 10 days after me. If I make an exception for my aunt, who is traveling 1000+ miles to the wedding, to bring her infant to the wedding, why should I not make an exception for my FI's two cousins who will both have infants at the time as well or for my 2 (will be 3) year old cousin?

afox007 · July 2014

Maggie0829 said:
I would really like a vote from parents on here and see if they would prefer onsite child care over just figuring it out themselves with people they know and trust and if they can't, just decline the invite.

I would not put FSS in the onsite child care. Not only do I know he would be happier/more comfortable with my parents/my BFF/his friends for the night, but I know the second he got bored he would walk right past the ECE and find me. Or just text and call until I agreed to take him home.

BMoreBride6 · July 2014

I haven't read every response (up through page 2.5) so I apologize if this has already been said but I agree that the intention of having the child care is very considerate of you, but will cause issues. Setting up the "no child can leave this room" rule just won't work as parents will take their own children if they please. Also, that puts the person in charge of the room in a weird position to try to tell parents they can't take their own kids. Also, one more thing to consider is you may then end up with people approaching you at your reception with, "hi...Susie is having a rough night and wants to stay with me. But the child care lady/man says she can't leave the room. Can you please go tell her it is fine for Susie to leave. I promise she won't be any problem..." or something similar.

mimivac · July 2014

MandyMost said:

SamanthaandDevin2015 said:

I can totally see what everyone is saying. I'm just concerned that people will decline because of the child care issue, but not tell me that's the issue even though I could solve it for them...bah! I guess I'll just have to send out invites and see what happens! lol what a nightmare!

Generally I think of a child care room as a way to better accommodate children who are invited to the wedding, not as a way to keep them out! I think that's where the confusion lies.

Your not using the child care room as a way to accommodate your young guests. Instead, it's an amenity that's being offered at the hotel (even if you're paying for it). Think of it more like providing transportation to your guests. I went to a wedding where the hotel was in the city (easy to get to via Taxi or public transportation from the airport), but the venue was about an hour a way on a mountain. The couple was clear with everyone that transportation would be provided from the hotel. Otherwise, I would have been freaking out about renting a car, and how to get there, etc.

It doesn't sound like you're talking about a huge group of people. All you need to do is only invite the people who you want to invite (i.e. not the kids), and then let them know about the accommodations you have for them overall, including any options for child care that they're free to use if they choose to bring their kids to town and don't have their own babysitter to use. You just have to be clear that that all it is is a babysitter they're free to use if they can't find their own and need one...it's not an invite of the kids to this playroom at your wedding!

This exactly. I think it would be very nice to have such a room or area adjacent to the reception for children who are in fact invited to the wedding. That would give them a break and the parents' a chance to get some adult time in while the kids are adequately supervised. However, I don't think it's practical or feasible to keep the kids exclusively in a separate area.

meechellebelle · July 2014

I have twin boys and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with a stranger. I've also been to an out of town weekend wedding that offered a sitter for the wedding and left them with family for the weekend. I just don't think they're comfortable being around strangers but they're also onlya year and a half. I would let the family figure out child care and save yourself the headache.

13+ reception, how do I tell the parents?

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