Yay...my FSIL/BM has TOLD us she's bringing a guest

AddieCake · July 2014

See, I just feel like you're setting yourself up for years of drama over it as opposed to no drama other than you being annoyed at her "demand". You're making the choice to have this incident potentially be a part of your life forever instead of just giving her a guest and forgetting about it and moving on with life.

But it's your wedding. If you want to possibly create a problem with your in-laws and possibly have to hear about this for years to come, then stick to your guns, but I know it's not a hill I would die on.

LDay2014 · July 2014

AddieCake said:

See, I just feel like you're setting yourself up for years of drama over it as opposed to no drama other than you being annoyed at her "demand". You're making the choice to have this incident potentially be a part of your life forever instead of just giving her a guest and forgetting about it and moving on with life.

But it's your wedding. If you want to possibly create a problem with your in-laws and possibly have to hear about this for years to come, then stick to your guns, but I know it's not a hill I would die on.

See, and I see it as the other way. She has been told 'no' to her demand. If she decides in her passive aggressive nature that she will do it anyway then that's on her.

Both FI and I are on the same page here, and he has expressed to his sister (the words are coming from him, not me).

With a 26 person wedding, yes a random uninvited guest DOES make a difference.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

AddieCake said:

See, I just feel like you're setting yourself up for years of drama over it as opposed to no drama other than you being annoyed at her "demand". You're making the choice to have this incident potentially be a part of your life forever instead of just giving her a guest and forgetting about it and moving on with life.

But it's your wedding. If you want to possibly create a problem with your in-laws and possibly have to hear about this for years to come, then stick to your guns, but I know it's not a hill I would die on.

See, and I see it as the other way. She has been told 'no' to her demand. If she decides in her passive aggressive nature that she will do it anyway then that's on her.

Both FI and I are on the same page here, and he has expressed to his sister (the words are coming from him, not me).

With a 26 person wedding, yes a random uninvited guest DOES make a difference.

I think the point PPs are trying to make is this seems like the type of person where nothing really ends up "on her." If she's just that Teflon kind of person who the trouble just rolls off of and always gets her way, she could very well end up making you look like the ass, even though she's absolutely the one who's wrong. Tread carefully.

AddieCake · July 2014

Yes, it is on her if she chooses to ignore you and bring a guest anyway. But it becomes your problem on your wedding day if she brings someone and there is no seat for the friend, and you have to deal with it, etc, and potentially for years to come if she chooses to fuss about it for years like in Sarah's example.

My point is that you are creating the potential drama here just as much as she is, and you can eliminate it entirely by being the bigger person. For me, it's a no brainer and, like I said, not a hill I would die on b/c it's not worth it to me to have to be dealing with the fallout from it for possibly years to come.

LDay2014 · July 2014

AddieCake said:

Yes, it is on her if she chooses to ignore you and bring a guest anyway. But it becomes your problem on your wedding day if she brings someone and there is no seat for the friend, and you have to deal with it, etc, and potentially for years to come if she chooses to fuss about it for years like in Sarah's example.

My point is that you are creating the potential drama here just as much as she is, and you can eliminate it entirely by being the bigger person. For me, it's a no brainer and, like I said, not a hill I would die on b/c it's not worth it to me to have to be dealing with the fallout from it for possibly years to come.

I think that's the difference here, for us it is worth it. She's an entitled adult child and FI and I refuse to cater to her behaviour - she's notorious for it and well known for stomping her feet like a child. We refuse to let her have her way simply because she has made more noise than we will. If that's the behaviour she's choosing, then she is choosing the consequences. The consequence of which is if she decides to bring her friend, after being told no, then there will not be a seat available.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

AddieCake said:

Yes, it is on her if she chooses to ignore you and bring a guest anyway. But it becomes your problem on your wedding day if she brings someone and there is no seat for the friend, and you have to deal with it, etc, and potentially for years to come if she chooses to fuss about it for years like in Sarah's example.

My point is that you are creating the potential drama here just as much as she is, and you can eliminate it entirely by being the bigger person. For me, it's a no brainer and, like I said, not a hill I would die on b/c it's not worth it to me to have to be dealing with the fallout from it for possibly years to come.

I think that's the difference here, for us it is worth it. She's an entitled adult child and FI and I refuse to cater to her behaviour - she's notorious for it and well known for stomping her feet like a child. We refuse to let her have her way simply because she has made more noise than we will. If that's the behaviour she's choosing, then she is choosing the consequences. The consequence of which is if she decides to bring her friend, after being told no, then there will not be a seat available.

Then you have made your choice.

If she is the type of person you describe, I would prepare for her to bring someone anyway and be sure you can easily accommodate at your reception. Not necessarily for your FSIL's comfort but for your own peace of mind on your wedding day.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

flantastic said:

LDay2014 said:

AddieCake said:

Yes, it is on her if she chooses to ignore you and bring a guest anyway. But it becomes your problem on your wedding day if she brings someone and there is no seat for the friend, and you have to deal with it, etc, and potentially for years to come if she chooses to fuss about it for years like in Sarah's example.

My point is that you are creating the potential drama here just as much as she is, and you can eliminate it entirely by being the bigger person. For me, it's a no brainer and, like I said, not a hill I would die on b/c it's not worth it to me to have to be dealing with the fallout from it for possibly years to come.

I think that's the difference here, for us it is worth it. She's an entitled adult child and FI and I refuse to cater to her behaviour - she's notorious for it and well known for stomping her feet like a child. We refuse to let her have her way simply because she has made more noise than we will. If that's the behaviour she's choosing, then she is choosing the consequences. The consequence of which is if she decides to bring her friend, after being told no, then there will not be a seat available.

I think it'd be worth it to me, too, especially if FI were on board. It'd be setting a precedent for how much shit we were willing to take from her in the future.

Luckily, we have no entitled adult children within our families.

I guess for me there are sure to be many opportunities to "teach her a lesson." I just wouldn't want to make (and deal with) a shit ton of family drama, not just FSIL drama, on my wedding day.

AddieCake · July 2014

You've made your decision, so I'll drop it. Good luck, and I hope it all works out!

ashleyep · July 2014

It's a nice gesture to give the wedding party a +1. But I honestly can't imagine why a WP member would want to bring a random +1. They'll be on their own for most of the ceremony and cocktail hour, and if I was that random guest, I would be super stressed out by not knowing anymore.

My sister might bring a friend, but at least most of my family knows her so she won't be on her own when my sister is off doing maid of honor things.

In this case, I might have FI keep making a point of mentioning that she isn't invited with a guest. But if she shows up on the day of with one, I wouldn't make a scene. I'd just accept it.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

lolo883 said:
So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.

They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance.

However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

photokitty · July 2014

Personally, I would never dream of demanding I get to bring a friend to my sibling's wedding. I would not want to bring a plus one to my sibling's wedding period! A SO - yes, but never a plus one.

IMHO, it is family event. I should be celebrating and spending time with my family - if I am not there to do that then why the heck did I bother coming.

Honestly I still feel the same way as a BM...I want to focus on my friend and not entertain a plus one who doesn't know any one at the wedding but me.

I would have you FI tell her - I'm sorry for the confusion, but we are only inviting significant others. We are having a small wedding and can't accommodate your friend.

Just be honest and up front. I totally agree with you, OP, that with 26 people and her being single you don't need to give her a plus one.

If she finds herself in a relationship by April, you would of course need to invite her SO.

LDay2014 · July 2014

photokitty said:

Personally, I would never dream of demanding I get to bring a friend to my sibling's wedding. I would not want to bring a plus one to my sibling's wedding period! A SO - yes, but never a plus one.

IMHO, it is family event. I should be celebrating and spending time with my family - if I am not there to do that then why the heck did I bother coming.

Honestly I still feel the same way as a BM...I want to focus on my friend and not entertain a plus one who doesn't know any one at the wedding but me.

I would have you FI tell her - I'm sorry for the confusion, but we are only inviting significant others. We are having a small wedding and can't accommodate your friend.
Just be honest and up front. I totally agree with you, OP, that with 26 people and her being single you don't need to give her a plus one.
If she finds herself in a relationship by April, you would of course need to invite her SO.

Yup, this is exactly what she was told. And by FI

The wedding is in October, and of course if she is in a relationship at that point (as defined by her, not us) then of course, that person will be invited - that's not even a question. But we're not on board with inviting a random to a very intimate wedding.

Thank You

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

IF she had asked if she could bring a friend as her plus one, would you have obliged?

LDay2014 · July 2014

sarahbear31 said:

IF she had asked if she could bring a friend as her plus one, would you have obliged?

No, as we are having a small and intimate wedding. We have no desire to have random 'friends' at the table. SO's absolutely, random friends just because - no. ETA: And if we were having a big wedding, then sure, no problem. But with such a small group, we stand firmly in no.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

sarahbear31 said:

IF she had asked if she could bring a friend as her plus one, would you have obliged?

No, as we are having a small and intimate wedding. We have no desire to have random 'friends' at the table. SO's absolutely, random friends just because - no.

You have 3 months until the wedding. I'd just drop it for now and let sleeping dogs lie. I also suggest having something in your "back pocket" if FSIL still brings the rogue friend to the wedding. Still accommodate the plus one graciously and just rise above the situation.

For the record, I agree with PPs that it's a gracious move to extend a plus one to your bridal party.

AlexaF2014 · July 2014

... was she told that guests are allowed SO, not +1's? Because if she's brings this rando anyway, I would totally assume this is her SO and start asking awkward questions about how long they've been together.

Eh, with a guest list that small, as long as you weren't rude about letting her know there are no +1's (and that it applies to everyone) and your reasoning, I don't necessarily think it's a breach of etiquette. PPs keep mentioning how WP is supposed to be "nearest and dearest" and making them comfortable, but FSIL is going to know people there and doesn't need a friend to be comfortable; if this was a friend who only knows you and the groom, I would say a +1 would be the right thing to do.

jules3964 · July 2014

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

jules3964 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.

You just verbalized what I had been thinking!!!

LDay2014 · July 2014

jules3964 said:
But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.

No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life.

How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.
No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life. How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

Technically, you're not in the wrong from a strictly an etiquette standpoint. PPs have said that you're not in the wrong on that front. They are voicing personal preference and giving you advice on starting off on a good foot with in laws.

She may grow up, she may never grow up. Either way, she'll be part of your family and I think PPs are just saying with her being the way she is, you might end up teeing this up to be a more dramatic situation than it needs to be. That they, personally, would let her have this win versus trying to prove a point.

So no, you're not in the wrong etiquette wise, buy practically speaking, you have some things and perspectives to consider. That's all.

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.
No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life. How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

OP, I really do understand about not feeding an entitled brat, seriously, I get it (I have one of those, too). However, I just think you need to see with eyes wide open that this may cause friction between you and your future in laws. Do you really want half the people invited to your wedding pissy on the day of? Your husband might be backing you, but I guarentee they will blame you.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.
No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life. How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

My mom has a saying. "If you have to choose between being right and being kind, always choose kind."

FSIL announced that she is going to bring a guest. Yes, that was tacky on her part. You're painting an image here (at least to me) that you are ready to have a (non violent) standoff at your wedding about this random person. Also, think about this - sure, FSIL is a psycho bitch. Okay. What has this friend done to deserve showing up at a party where there isn't a seat for him/her?

jules3964 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.
No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life. How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

You're not wrong in terms of etiquette, and I'm not saying that you are. It's fine to say that only significant others are invited, and no one else gets a plus one.

My point was that it sounded like your reason for not inviting plus ones was that you are having an intimate wedding, and that you don't want random "friends" there. But if she picks out a random friend of hers, and calls him a significant other for a couple months, how is that different? He would still be "random" to you. So I just don't understand that as an argument. I think you just don't WANT to give a plus one. Which is fine, that's your choice.

jules3964 · July 2014

sarahbear31 said:

LDay2014 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.
No, because they will be in a relationship. I'm not going to judge her relationship but there is no reason to being a random friend. It's not a matter of budget, there is no SIGNIFICANT other in her life. How is it that by following etiquette I'm being made out to be wrong?

My mom has a saying. "If you have to choose between being right and being kind, always choose kind."

FSIL announced that she is going to bring a guest. Yes, that was tacky on her part. You're painting an image here (at least to me) that you are ready to have a (non violent) standoff at your wedding about this random person. Also, think about this - sure, FSIL is a psycho bitch. Okay. What has this friend done to deserve showing up at a party where there isn't a seat for him/her?

This. So much this.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.
They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance. However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

Just playing devil's advocate because there tend to be mixed messages being given here in regards to WPs. When people want them to sit at a head table (even with their SO), participate in a WP spotlight dance, miss the whole cocktail hour for photos, sometimes even be announced "paired off" BM+GM when they're not a couple, etc, the answer is "once the ceremony is over, they're just a regular guest." And I agree. Before the ceremony, the overwhelming sentiment is "all they have to do is show up in the outfit, no other obligations" and I agree with that too. The WP doesn't have shit else to do before or after the ceremony.

But then when it comes to giving single WP members dates, the overwhelming majority says "they're so special! they've done so much for you! they're not just guests! give them a +1 even if nobody else gets one." And that's where it gets sticky. Truth is, not everybody's WP is their nearest and dearest, especially when following the advice of "just don't rock the boat, the family drama isn't worth it." Not every WP does jack shit except for show up in their outfit. And that's OK. Right?

I have my FSIL as a BM too. She lives 1000 miles away, and is honestly a little loopy. She'll be my sister though, and I love her for that, and she's super excited to be part of the wedding. Has she done anything to help? No. Is she going above and beyond any other guest? No. And I don't expect her to. She's in the WP as a symbolic gesture, not because she's my BFF. She's single, so we followed the same rules for her as every other guest because at the end of the day, that's what she is. A guest. She'll know more people at my wedding than I do, and her BFF is dating FBIL. She will not be lonely. That being said though, if she asked to bring someone, we'd let her - in the name of not rocking the family boat.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that all WPs are our favorite people in the world, or going above and beyond any one else, in order to apply such a blanket rule to them.

jules3964 · July 2014

I guess from my standpoint, even though there may not be anything required of them before or after the ceremony, I feel like asking someone to be in your wedding party is still an important commitment that deserves to be honored in some way. And that honor, for me, would be to give them *some* special treatment just to make them comfortable. So if one of them wanted to bring a friend as their plus one, I would be fine with that.

Maybe it's because I empathize with people too much. But you're asking this person to be part of your wedding. To walk down the aisle with everyone watching (and thus not trip or do anything else embarrassing), stand up with you, and be on display — even if only for a little bit. Generally you want them to buy a dress in a certain color. Maybe they don't really want to wear that color. Maybe they don't even like to wear dresses. Maybe they'd rather just enjoy themselves and relax, but they also really want to support you and do this very important thing for you, so of course they agreed to be a bridesmaid.

I know it's not really asking that much of someone, but in turn, it's not that much to offer them a plus one either if that is important to them.

LDay2014 · July 2014

@jules3964

I know it's not really asking that much of someone, but in turn, it's not that much to offer them a plus one either if that is important to them.

and if it was truly a matter of comfort (ie anxiety or what have you) then that would be a different story.

This is just a demand because she wants it and thinks she deserves it.

jules3964 · July 2014

LDay2014 said:

@jules3964

I know it's not really asking that much of someone, but in turn, it's not that much to offer them a plus one either if that is important to them.

and if it was truly a matter of comfort (ie anxiety or what have you) then that would be a different story.

This is just a demand because she wants it and thinks she deserves it.

I agree the demand is annoying, but my opinion wouldn't change. My comment was more of a general response to lolo's post. Ultimately your decision is not against etiquette, and it's yours to decide, I was just stating my feelings on the topic.

photokitty · July 2014

jules3964 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.

No, she wouldn't be bringing a random and unknown person - she would be bring the other half of the social unit. If you know one part of the social unit it is not random and the other person is invited bc they are the other half. They are invited as a couple, not a SIL and random person.

I'm sorry but I think this argument feeds in to the rational behind brides arguing that they shouldn't have to invite a SO bc they never met them. You met half the social unit, therefore it's not a random - they are a couple and buy knowing one half, you know the couple by default.

IMHO, I think a small intimate wedding is an excellent reason for her not to give the SIL a plus one. With only 26 guests, everyone there is close to the B&G.

Imagine you are a cousin or aunt who is single - might your feelings be hurt if the SIL gets to bring a friend, but you didn't? Should all singles be given a plus one if the SIL is given one? (That will be come an extra expense) Why just the bridal party? The chosen "circle" of WP getting plus ones, but no one else is much more obvious with only 26 guests. I think if it was a larger wedding it would be less noticeable and would make more sense to give SIL a plus one - as the OP said she would if she weren't inviting 26 people.

jules3964 · July 2014

photokitty said:

jules3964 said:

But if she attains a significant other in the next 3 months, won't that person be just as random and unknown to you as her friend would be? I just don't agree that a small intimate wedding is a reason not to give someone a plus one.

No, she wouldn't be bringing a random and unknown person - she would be bring the other half of the social unit. If you know one part of the social unit it is not random and the other person is invited bc they are the other half. They are invited as a couple, not a SIL and random person.

I'm sorry but I think this argument feeds in to the rational behind brides arguing that they shouldn't have to invite a SO bc they never met them. You met half the social unit, therefore it's not a random - they are a couple and buy knowing one half, you know the couple by default.

That was definitely not what I meant to imply! SOs always need to be invited — and in an intimate wedding, a SO might be a random stranger to you. But you still have to invite them.

I see what you're saying — they are not random if part of a couple. But that still doesn't mean they aren't a random stranger to you personally. A social unit just needs to be invited together, end of story.

My point was that a plus one "random" friend at my small wedding would feel the same to me in the grande scheme of things as a significant other I had never met or barely knew. That doesn't mean I shouldn't invite the SO. But the feeling of a stranger at my intimate wedding would still be there, it's just a significant stranger.

So I just don't see the general* argument of "I'm having an intimate wedding and I don't want random unknown people there" as a reason to not give someone a plus one. The reason is "because I don't want to give anyone a plus one."

*Not saying this was OP's exact argument, but it's one I hear often.

Yay...my FSIL/BM has TOLD us she's bringing a guest

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