embarrassing situation

ejpentecost · July 2014

My bf got a wedding invitation from a friend. I was not invited. He and I have been together over a year and are planning marriage. I have met the engaged couple several times and have been to their house before. I think I had every right to be upset at their rudeness in excluding me, but being upset is as far as I would have taken it.

He texted and wanted to know why I wasn't invited and told them how it made me feel.

They were nice enough to pretend that it was an accidental oversight, which was gracious of them, but I am so incredibly embarrassed that he did that! I would never have let on that I was hurt. I certainly would never have demanded an invitation.

Needless to say I am not going! I would be too embarrassed to show up. I wasn't invited in the first place, so clearly they didn't want me there.

I am absolutely mortified. I can't believe he actually texted them with a guilt trip for excluding me.

Besides sending them a nice card and a gift registry from both of us, is there anything I can do to save face? I don't want them thinking the text was my idea, but then again maybe this is a case of "least said, soonest mended?"

climbingsingle · July 2014

Honestly, I think your boyfriend was well within his right to contact them. It's extremely rude to invite someone without their significant other. Shit, my friend has a boyfriend of only one month. But he's absolutely invited.

But I can understand why you're embarrassed. Either way, I think you should both go and enjoy the wedding. They made a huge etiquette mistake by not inviting you.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

ejpentecost said:

My bf got a wedding invitation from a friend. I was not invited. He and I have been together over a year and are planning marriage. I have met the engaged couple several times and have been to their house before. I think I had every right to be upset at their rudeness in excluding me, but being upset is as far as I would have taken it.

He texted and wanted to know why I wasn't invited and told them how it made me feel.

They were nice enough to pretend that it was an accidental oversight, which was gracious of them, but I am so incredibly embarrassed that he did that! I would never have let on that I was hurt. I certainly would never have demanded an invitation.

Needless to say I am not going! I would be too embarrassed to show up. I wasn't invited in the first place, so clearly they didn't want me there.

I am absolutely mortified. I can't believe he actually texted them with a guilt trip for excluding me.

Besides sending them a nice card and a gift registry from both of us, is there anything I can do to save face? I don't want them thinking the text was my idea, but then again maybe this is a case of "least said, soonest mended?"

I think this seems like a big deal right now because it just happened, but I think you need to let some time go by before you think about this again. It's not that big of a deal. Just talk to your BF and get on the same page that he should not speak to anyone on your behalf without clearing it with you first. Like ever.

They're the ones that were rude enough to not send an invitation. It's probably not personal (i.e. it's not "you"). People who do this usually don't invite SOs in general. *eyeroll*

They're the ones who should be shitting their pants and trying to save face - not you. If you like these people and want to forgive their etiquette misstep, I would attend.

KatieinBkln · July 2014

Oof. Yeah, it's probably best not to say anything, but if you see them again between now and the wedding I guess I would just try to be as normal as possible. I can understand why you might not want to go to the wedding, but this is just my official vote that you absolutely can go. Send a nice gift, smile nicely, etc.

The other thing that could happen is your bf can always say (in person) to his friend that he totally overreacted by sending the text. Let HIM backtrack for you--make him say something like, "I feel like I made my gf look nuts when I sent that text. She was actually fine; I am the one who's nuts! Sorry for freaking out." This could depend on his relationship with the couple, but it might be worth a shot. (For the record, something like this happened to me--my FI strongly implied to visiting friends that they could stay at our place, giving me less than 24 hrs notice. I freaked out a little, and he sent them a "sorry you can't come" message that I felt made me look like really shitty. He felt horrible when I called him on it, and sent them a quick follow-up saying, "yikes, I realize that makes her sound crazy, she is not. We just needed more notice to make it work." They might still think I'm nuts, but I appreciated FI's gesture).

banana468 · July 2014

Don't feel bad.

And keep in mind that while we assume most people know you need to invite SO's by name, plenty don't or they make mistakes.

If I were you, I'd accept the apology and move on. Be gracious and show up with your BF rather than continue to be upset now that you're welcome. Then they may wonder if it's possible to please you.

ejpentecost · July 2014

Oh gosh, banana... I didn't think of it that way.

You all say I should go, so I will take your advice and suck up my embarrassment and just attend.

Couggal12 · July 2014

It was rude on their end to not invite you. You and your BF are a social unite and should have been invited together. At this point though I think you need to go and try to make the best of the situation. How close is your BF to the couple? It sounds like if he is willing to text them to tell them how much it hurt your feelings to be excluded them he's fairly comfortable with them and plans on keeping them as friends in his life so you should try to keep the peace and not make things any more awkward. If anything they're the ones who messed up in the first place. You shouldn't feel bad.

indianaalum · July 2014

If you don't go now, you will look like you are pouting and that will make it more awkward in the longrun. I vote for going

JoanE2012 · July 2014

How do you know it truly wasn't an accidental oversight? I mean, it's pretty crappy if they couldn't remember, but in all the hustle and bustle of wedding planning, mistakes happen!

I'd Accept the apology and attend the wedding.

mysticl · July 2014

JoanE2012 said:

How do you know it truly wasn't an accidental oversight? I mean, it's pretty crappy if they couldn't remember, but in all the hustle and bustle of wedding planning, mistakes happen! I'd Accept the apology and attend the wedding.

Seriously, a friend of mine sent out all of her invites and realized she had one left over (she had ordered the exact number needed). Turns out she missed the person who introduced her to her husband. She sent the invite out but it was late and he had plans. So it's completely possible that your name was accidentally left off. It's also possible that they didn't know they were supposed to include your name and assumed your boyfriend would bring you. So their "pretending" was to cover for their lack of knowledge, not for slighting you.

TerriHugg · July 2014

I can totally relate to this and understand being embarrassed. I had a similar thing happen to me.

My husband was a groomsmen in his best friend's wedding. He got an invitation in the mail and my name wasn't on it despite having known the groom long before he even started dating the girl and despite having been engaged before they were.

Dh, who was my fiancé at the time, was returning the response card and wrote "2." I stopped him and said I'm clearly not invited. I then told him that I don't want to be at a wedding when I'm clearly not wanted anyway. DH calls the groom to find out if I was invited. He says, yes I'm invited and said that it was his parents addressing the invitations so they must've forgot that we were engaged. So after that, DH convinces me to attend he wedding and tells me it was an innocent mistake; especially since they are overwhelmed planning the wedding in two months.

So I go to the wedding and was by myself the whole time since DH was a groomsmen.

We get to the reception and have to check with people who have a list where everyone was sitting. This is where the embarrassing part comes in.

DH tells the people his name and they confirm that he is at the sweetheart table. One would assume that I would be sitting with him too, right? Wrong. Not only was I not sitting with my fiancé at the time, my name wasn't even on the list! The people tried to put me at this back table in the corner. At the point, I was extremely hurt and embarrassed cause I felt like they made it clear that they didn't want me there. I went to the table and sat there by myself for a little while as my husband tried to figure out what was going on cause he didn't want to leave me there alone. It wasn't until this girl that I met once came up to me and said "Those people checking in don't know what they are talking about because the bride told me you were sitting at this table with me."

I then walked over to the spot where people checked-in with the girl who came up to me, and watched them argue about where I'm supposed to be sitting. At that point, I was so embarrassed that I wanted to leave and just wait in the car or go to the Walmart across the street. It wasn't until DH came down and stayed with me that I decided to stay and went to the table with the girl.

I wrote that whole story to say, that while I understand why you are embarrassed about not having your name on the invite, it could always be worse. Let's just hope they actually have a table for you should you attend the wedding. LOL

While that whole thing was a complete embarrassment for me, I've learned that the bride and groom are the ones that should be really embarrassed because they are the ones that made several HORRIBLE etiquette fails.

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

They really could have made a mistake and I think it would be weird for you not to go since your H figured it all out, so I'm glad you're going to go.

ejpentecost · July 2014

The groom did tell my bf that they had not invited other people's wives... So I am positive that excluding me was intentional since I'm not even a wife! Horrible manners, but... I still don't want to alienate my bf's friends.

mysticl · July 2014

ejpentecost said:

The groom did tell my bf that they had not invited other people's wives... So I am positive that excluding me was intentional since I'm not even a wife! Horrible manners, but... I still don't want to alienate my bf's friends.

That is absolutely ridiculous. Wonder how many declines they are getting.

TerriHugg · July 2014

Wow! How could they not invite wives???!!! The place that is acceptable is at a bachelor party.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

ejpentecost said:

The groom did tell my bf that they had not invited other people's wives... So I am positive that excluding me was intentional since I'm not even a wife! Horrible manners, but... I still don't want to alienate my bf's friends.

Wow. They sound like such awesome hosts! /sarcasm

sophhabobopha · July 2014

ejpentecost said:

The groom did tell my bf that they had not invited other people's wives... So I am positive that excluding me was intentional since I'm not even a wife! Horrible manners, but... I still don't want to alienate my bf's friends.

SIB

Couggal12 · July 2014

Okay seriously? I get not understanding the etiquette of not inviting someones girlfriend if you get wrapped up in wrong advice of "no ring, no bring" nonsense but someone's WIFE?

cowgirl8238 · July 2014

indianaalum said:

If you don't go now, you will look like you are pouting and that will make it more awkward in the longrun. I vote for going

This is exactly my thought. They apologized and made accomodations for you...it might make you look bad to not go after they made the room.

embarrassing situation

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