Wedding Party

Bridesmaids dresses dilemna

2

Re: Bridesmaids dresses dilemna

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    OP, I think you just need to talk more to your friend.  You keep saying, "All I'm getting is that she doesn't like dresses."  You really need to ask her what she'd be comfortable in.

    And yeah, when you are asking your WP to wear a certain item of clothing, their comfort is a major factor.  Clothing and our bodies are very personal.  One of my BMs has religious modesty requirements and I would never dream of trying to make her wear a strapless or short gown.  I think somebody's feeling that they are not comfortable with her body in a dress is just as valid.

    I also vote for the Punjabi suit.  I wore something like this for said BM's wedding and it was super cute, covered everything, and sounds like it would fit your vision.

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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Allikat191Allikat191 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2014
    And unfortunately, here ends my participation in the conversation.  Thank you so much to everyone who made helpful suggestions on ways that I could approach a compromise - there have been some really great, thoughtful suggestions -  rather than simply telling me that my way of thinking is wrong.  

    I should perhaps have known better than to ask a question like this of people who are well meaning and undoubtedly just wanted to help but don't know me, my fiance or the members of our wedding party and all of our assorted quirks.  

    I appreciate your suggestions and my fiance and I have talked over lots of the suggestions and agreed upon a plan together - one that makes the two of us happy.  Because if there is anything I have learned from the wedding reading I've done, its that the only things/traditions etc... that we need to include in our wedding are the ones that make us happy and work for us.  

    So thanks again, but I'm going back to just reading the forums and using other people's questions as a source of inspiration.


  • I'm okay with being in the minority, but I like the way matching looks in photos.  Not necessarily identical dresses, but at least the same color.

    As for her not liking dresses, it isn't her day.  How's salwar kameez as a compromise?  That's pants underneath.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I haven't read the thread yet. Just saw that I got paged, so I'm responding so my sig pic of our groomswoman shows up. She wore a skirt suit, which was her choice. In her every day life, she usually wears men's clothes.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm okay with being in the minority, but I like the way matching looks in photos.  Not necessarily identical dresses, but at least the same color.

    As for her not liking dresses, it isn't her day.  How's salwar kameez as a compromise?  That's pants underneath.
    Do you really think "your day" trumps your best friends' comfort? Why purposely make a best friend uncomfortable so they have "matching looks in photos"? 
    *********************************************************************************

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    lc07PrettyGirlLostLiatris2010
  • I'm okay with being in the minority, but I like the way matching looks in photos.  Not necessarily identical dresses, but at least the same color.

    As for her not liking dresses, it isn't her day.  How's salwar kameez as a compromise?  That's pants underneath.
    Do you really think "your day" trumps your best friends' comfort? Why purposely make a best friend uncomfortable so they have "matching looks in photos"? 
    I am perpetually appalled by the Say Yes to the Dress bridesmaid edition, and things my mom sees as a church wedding coordinator...bridesmaids who make it all about them.  It's selfish.

    If you're someone's best friend, wearing a skirt or dress for a few hours is a tiny sacrifice.  I've hated most bridesmaid dresses I've worn, but on those days, it wasn't about me.  It was about the bride.  

  • I'm okay with being in the minority, but I like the way matching looks in photos.  Not necessarily identical dresses, but at least the same color.

    As for her not liking dresses, it isn't her day.  How's salwar kameez as a compromise?  That's pants underneath.
    Do you really think "your day" trumps your best friends' comfort? Why purposely make a best friend uncomfortable so they have "matching looks in photos"? 
    I am perpetually appalled by the Say Yes to the Dress bridesmaid edition, and things my mom sees as a church wedding coordinator...bridesmaids who make it all about them.  It's selfish.

    If you're someone's best friend, wearing a skirt or dress for a few hours is a tiny sacrifice.  I've hated most bridesmaid dresses I've worn, but on those days, it wasn't about me.  It was about the bride.  
    I hate this "it's about the bride" mentality.
    JCbride2015PrettyGirlLostcoffeekay
  • It's her special day.  You can have yours when you get married/when you got married.
  • It's her special day.  You can have yours when you get married/when you got married.
    Except I don't view my wedding day that way or in the "it's about me!" kind of way.  It's not my day.  It's FI and myself sharing in celebration with our closest friends and family who have supported our relationship and those we hope will continue to do so.
    If the person is your "closest friend," I think they should be supportive enough to wear a dress. We're not moving a mountain here. It's a dress. A simple request. So we disagree. Meh.
  • Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I'm with you @atlasmrsg. Apparently the only thing we're supposed to expect of the wedding party is to show up in the chosen attire, except even that has like a million caveats that usually end with who cares what they're wearing anyway, but the brides are still supposed to jump through hoops to get them all some special personalized gift for doing...??  

    I expect all of my guests to show up, on time, sober, and in appropriate attire and I'm not expected to get them some super specialized gift and I obviously care about all my guests, not just the ones I asked to be in the wedding party.

    If you're asked to be in a wedding party and you are unwilling/can't afford/feel uncomfortable with doing the ONE THING you absolutely HAVE to do as a wedding party member, i.e. wear what the couple asks you to wear SAY NO. Upfront. The bride or groom can then decide whether or not having you in the wedding party is important enough to accommodate you. Don't agree and then months down the line, be all, oh no, I'm sorry I can't possibly be seen in that for 7 hours of my life, you need to accommodate me now.
    atlastmrsg
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's her special day.  You can have yours when you get married/when you got married.
    Except I don't view my wedding day that way or in the "it's about me!" kind of way.  It's not my day.  It's FI and myself sharing in celebration with our closest friends and family who have supported our relationship and those we hope will continue to do so.
    If the person is your "closest friend," I think they should be supportive enough to wear a dress. We're not moving a mountain here. It's a dress. A simple request. So we disagree. Meh.
    If the person is your closest friend, I'd think that you would be enough of a decent human being to think their comfort in the clothing that is on their body is more important than the way they look in pictures.



    southernbelle0915[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • I'll add my own experience.  I'm shorty, curvy, and busty, and in my day to day life, I don't like to draw a ton of attention to my chest.  I dress modestly for work.  I was also a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride chose a much more revealing cut dress that I would have chosen for myself. 

    In trying on dresses, I stated that I preferred dresses with more support and coverage, but the bride went with what I now refer to as the Dolly Parton dress.  I wore it, I made the best of it, I tried to rock it, but when I look at pictures of myself from that wedding, all I can see is decolletage, and in some of the pictures you can tell I'm trying to position myself to be more side-oriented. 

    So yes, I ultimately wore what the bride picked and tried to keep my discomfort from her.  But I would have felt a whole lot better that day if I hadn't felt my dress screamed, "Here comes the knockers!"
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    cowgirl8238ohannabelleOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost

  • Butterflyz419 said:
    I'm with you @atlasmrsg. Apparently the only thing we're supposed to expect of the wedding party is to show up in the chosen attire, except even that has like a million caveats that usually end with who cares what they're wearing anyway, but the brides are still supposed to jump through hoops to get them all some special personalized gift for doing...??  

    I expect all of my guests to show up, on time, sober, and in appropriate attire and I'm not expected to get them some super specialized gift and I obviously care about all my guests, not just the ones I asked to be in the wedding party.

    If you're asked to be in a wedding party and you are unwilling/can't afford/feel uncomfortable with doing the ONE THING you absolutely HAVE to do as a wedding party member, i.e. wear what the couple asks you to wear SAY NO. Upfront. The bride or groom can then decide whether or not having you in the wedding party is important enough to accommodate you. Don't agree and then months down the line, be all, oh no, I'm sorry I can't possibly be seen in that for 7 hours of my life, you need to accommodate me now.
    I'll share this story to show you why it's important to take your friends into consideration when it comes to their comfort.

    In the last wedding I was in there was a bridesmaid who was 5'1" in height and very busty. The bride was dead-set on on a strapless, long dress. The dress shop had a size sample of the dress that would fit this girl so she could try it on.  When the girl came out, her bust was ready to burst and the length of the dress made her feel really frumpy.  She pulled the bride to the side to speak privately about how this particular dress made her feel uncomfortable, but the bride didn't care.  She had that "it's my day!" mentality, so the girl had to get the dress. 

    On the wedding day, that girl was extremely self-conscious about her bust region.  Even though the dress shop had sewed a built in bra in the dress and made alterations, she was still very uncomfortable, and it shows in some of the pictures taken while we were getting ready that she physically didn't feel comfortable.  Because we were asked to not change out of our dresses, she sat down for a lot of the reception and didn't dance.  She was afraid of a breast popping out of the dress.

    This is why you should take into consideration when choosing a bridesmaid's dress that it's a dress that everyone is comfortable in wearing.  As I stated earlier in this thread, it the dress is ugly, that's one thing.  But if I feel physically uncomfortable wearing it then I would hope the bride would understand.
    My girls all have very different body types. They would have been more than willing to all get the same dress, but they were so thrilled when I told them they could choose. And they ended up relatively coordinating with each other anyway.

    OP, I know you've gone but just as a word of advice: it really helps to put your bridal party's comfort as a priority. They'll be happier, you'll be happier :)
    PrettyGirlLost
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    I admittedly did not read all of the responses.

    However, Why on earth do we give a fuck what our wedding party wears? Seriously, WHY DO WE CARE. (yes I'm yelling). 

    These are people we love whom we are honoring. IDGAF what they wear. And I would NEVER ask someone to wear something they are uncomfortable in. I am opposed to the party line that as brides we get to tell people what to wear on the wedding day. It's inane.

    So go ahead and try to force her to wear something. See how that goes over in life in general.
    ETA: And if this is still something that bothers you in 10 years, please come back and tell us. I'd like to congratulate everyone and anyone on 10 years of this-is-a-problem. Because it means you've had a very blessed life.
    ohannabellePrettyGirlLost
  • Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014

    lc07 said:
    I admittedly did not read all of the responses.

    However, Why on earth do we give a fuck what our wedding party wears? Seriously, WHY DO WE CARE. (yes I'm yelling). 

    These are people we love whom we are honoring. IDGAF what they wear. And I would NEVER ask someone to wear something they are uncomfortable in. I am opposed to the party line that as brides we get to tell people what to wear on the wedding day. It's inane.

    So go ahead and try to force her to wear something. See how that goes over in life in general.
    ETA: And if this is still something that bothers you in 10 years, please come back and tell us. I'd like to congratulate everyone and anyone on 10 years of this-is-a-problem. Because it means you've had a very blessed life.
    If this is how you feel...here's a solution...don't have a wedding party at all. They can go as regular guests and wear whatever the heck they want like the rest of your guests. Wearing matching or at least coordinating outfits is a long standing wedding tradition, like bouquets, cake, and white dresses.

    Sure, the bride ought to consider her BM's body types for certain, and their preferences to an extent. But there's nothing 'zilla-ish in wanting everyone to match or to adhere to a style or theme or asking them all to wear satin dresses from David's Bridal or Alfred Angelo even if they'll never have cause to wear it again. That just comes with agreeing to be in the wedding party. Emily Post in 1922 said that brides shouldn't even consult the BM's when choosing the attire (see page 328 if you don't believe me, where you'll also note the bride choosing even hats and shoes and stockings for the BMs to purchase, oh, and for their gifts, a simple piece of jewelry or muff or parasol that they then immediately use for the wedding is customary, see p. 336). 

    In the case of the OP, this girl managed to wear a dress for her own wedding, she can suck it up and wear a dress for 7 hours. To imply that it is the bride that is obviously being unreasonable or needing to bend her vision to accommodate this wedding party member's whining (which is all that it is), is ridiculous. The concept of bridezilla has become way overused and I'm really over it. Yes, some brides carry things too far, yes some brides are ridiculous and stupid demanding, but the vast vast majority are not and sometimes it's the other people, bridesmaids, parents, who are the ones in the wrong and brides don't need to be made to feel like they're bad friends/people constantly for daring to actually want anything in particular.

    ETA: I love this article on the subject: http://lover.ly/planning/wedding-planning/bridechilla/11331/
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My solution was not to dictate what they wore. All was good.

    I just think it's silly. Who cares what people wear? What impact does it have on anything? I'd much rather have my friends and family comfortable than anything else. In what other situation in life do you ever tell people what to wear? It's ridiculous. I don't want my friends to "suck it up". I really don't give a fuck what they wear. Why should I?
    KeptInStitchesViczaesarPrettyGirlLost

  • lc07 said:
    I admittedly did not read all of the responses.

    However, Why on earth do we give a fuck what our wedding party wears? Seriously, WHY DO WE CARE. (yes I'm yelling). 

    These are people we love whom we are honoring. IDGAF what they wear. And I would NEVER ask someone to wear something they are uncomfortable in. I am opposed to the party line that as brides we get to tell people what to wear on the wedding day. It's inane.

    So go ahead and try to force her to wear something. See how that goes over in life in general.
    ETA: And if this is still something that bothers you in 10 years, please come back and tell us. I'd like to congratulate everyone and anyone on 10 years of this-is-a-problem. Because it means you've had a very blessed life.
    If this is how you feel...here's a solution...don't have a wedding party at all. They can go as regular guests and wear whatever the heck they want like the rest of your guests. Wearing matching or at least coordinating outfits is a long standing wedding tradition, like bouquets, cake, and white dresses.

    Sure, the bride ought to consider her BM's body types for certain, and their preferences to an extent. But there's nothing 'zilla-ish in wanting everyone to match or to adhere to a style or theme or asking them all to wear satin dresses from David's Bridal or Alfred Angelo even if they'll never have cause to wear it again. That just comes with agreeing to be in the wedding party. Emily Post in 1922 said that brides shouldn't even consult the BM's when choosing the attire (see page 328 if you don't believe me, where you'll also note the bride choosing even hats and shoes and stockings for the BMs to purchase, oh, and for their gifts, a simple piece of jewelry or muff or parasol that they then immediately use for the wedding is customary, see p. 336). 

    In the case of the OP, this girl managed to wear a dress for her own wedding, she can suck it up and wear a dress for 7 hours. To imply that it is the bride that is obviously being unreasonable or needing to bend her vision to accommodate this wedding party member's whining (which is all that it is), is ridiculous. The concept of bridezilla has become way overused and I'm really over it. Yes, some brides carry things too far, yes some brides are ridiculous and stupid demanding, but the vast vast majority are not and sometimes it's the other people, bridesmaids, parents, who are the ones in the wrong and brides don't need to be made to feel like they're bad friends/people constantly for daring to actually want anything in particular.

    ETA: I love this article on the subject: http://lover.ly/planning/wedding-planning/bridechilla/11331/
    I don't think you know what this means. Matching dresses on bridesmaids were originally supposed to match the bride so that evil spirits would get confused and not be able to attack her. (Does sacrificing one's friends/family to evil spirits make one a bridezilla? Hmm...)

    I'll give you bouquets as long-standing since Greeks and Romans used them (albeit specific ones with meanings).

    Cake... eh? 'Wedding cake' used to mean fruit cake, and still does in England and other parts of the world.

    The white wedding gown has only been a thing since Queen Victoria's wedding in the 19th century and then only for the wealthiest brides until mass manufacture of dresses became a thing and prices dropped.

    The cloned, wedding-color-themed bridesmaids were really more of a thing for the marriages of baby boomers and their offspring. Not all that 'long-standing' IMO.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • We've been doing matching BM dresses for over 100 years. That's long-standing enough for our purposes especially since the tradition really is much older and yeah it has interesting origins. So? Lots of our wedding traditions do. I didn't say since the dawn of time but it's not some new-fangled concept that's only been around for a generation.

    Anyone who accepts being in a bridal party today should know and expect to be told what to wear. Choosing your BM's attire is no more a sign of being overly controlling than choosing a wedding cake flavor that you love. It is OKAY for brides to actually want things to be a certain way.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think the OP has plenty of options between "Forcing groomswoman to wear a saree" and "kicking groomswoman out" This is not a zero sum game here. 

    FWIW, I am of the belief that, with reason, what you wear as a member of the bridal party falls more to the side of "suck it up" But I think it's unreasonable for a bride when told someone isn't comfortable in what can be a very revealing outfit, to be upset to the point of wanting to kick someone out of the party. Particularly someone who is standing on her FI's side.  What the groomswoman in question did years ago is not relevant. People change. Dresses I wore 7 years ago I would not wear now. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    lc07 said:
    I admittedly did not read all of the responses.

    However, Why on earth do we give a fuck what our wedding party wears? Seriously, WHY DO WE CARE. (yes I'm yelling). 

    These are people we love whom we are honoring. IDGAF what they wear. And I would NEVER ask someone to wear something they are uncomfortable in. I am opposed to the party line that as brides we get to tell people what to wear on the wedding day. It's inane.

    So go ahead and try to force her to wear something. See how that goes over in life in general.
    ETA: And if this is still something that bothers you in 10 years, please come back and tell us. I'd like to congratulate everyone and anyone on 10 years of this-is-a-problem. Because it means you've had a very blessed life.
    I completely and totally agree with you. 



    lc07PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm actually okay with my girls wearing different cuts, but they will be the same fabric, length, and color and they may *gasp* come from DB. But I wore a dress to another wedding that I was a BM in that was not my absolute favorite. We all matched and I preferred the cut of another dress she was considering. Shrug. No big deal. If someone wanted me to wear something crazy like you describe, I'd say, I'm sorry that's not possible, I will step down and go as a guest, no hard feelings at all. I wouldn't stomp my feet and demand they make accommodations for me.

    If someone isn't in your wedding party it doesn't mean they don't matter to you. I have some amazing male friends from high school that I love dearly. I'm not in to the whole bridesman thing (and neither are they) so they aren't going to be in my wedding party, but just because they aren't in the official wedding party doesn't mean that their presence and support isn't very important to me. But since they aren't in the wedding party I'm not going to tell them what color ties to wear, but the GM will be told what color ties to wear. That's how it works and that doesn't make me or anyone else a crazy cruel bridezilla.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @Butterflyz419 No ma'am. You suggested to lc07 that if she doesn't care about having her wedding party match, she shouldn't have a wedding party. Which is a stupid suggestion.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    lc07PrettyGirlLostashley8918
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I forgot to follow this thread and just randomly stumbled back again. So thanks for responding, ladies. Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way/fucking nuts.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's her special day.  You can have yours when you get married/when you got married.
    Except I don't view my wedding day that way or in the "it's about me!" kind of way.  It's not my day.  It's FI and myself sharing in celebration with our closest friends and family who have supported our relationship and those we hope will continue to do so.
    If the person is your "closest friend," I think they should be supportive enough to wear a dress. We're not moving a mountain here. It's a dress. A simple request. So we disagree. Meh.
    It's not *just a dress.* It's a saree that leaves your midriff bare. . .sarees are lovely but I'd never wear one because I don't expose my midriff in public. Perhaps that is part of the concern.

    Also, ask your FI and his GMs to wear *just a dress* because you want a certain look. . .it's just a dress right? Lemme know how that goes over.

    It's great that as a bride it's your day. . . but as a BM it's *my* body, my comfort, and my money I'm spending. I'm not going to blow my budget or wear anything that makes me uncomfortable in front of people just to entertain your vision for photos.  And, your photos are going to look pretty awkward if your WP is gritting their teeth and faking smiles because they are uncomfortable and pissed at you.

    The OP was given a lot of really great suggestions, but since she got all defensive and stomped out, I'm not sure if we will ever know what she decided to do and how she was going to approach her WP member.  Pity, because I'm curious as to how it worked out.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User]JasperandOpalchibiyui
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