Bridal Shower & Private Wedding

Re: Bridal Shower & Private Wedding

• misshart00 member

  

  July 2014

  You said you're inviting a few friends and family to the wedding. If those are the only people invited to the shower, you're in the clear.

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• jacques27 member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  It is rude and tacky to invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding.  So, if the only people invited to the shower are the same small group invited to the wedding, then you're fine.  If there are guests on the shower-list not on the wedding-list...then no.  Just no.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200 (or any shower gifts).  Either cancel the shower or expand your wedding list to include everyone invited to the shower.
  

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• RebeccaFlower member

  

  July 2014

  It is super tacky to accept gifts from people you're not inviting to your wedding.

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• Peaseblossom55 mod

  

  July 2014

  I agree it's pretty tacky if people invited to the shower are not invited to the wedding.  

  
  

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• lc07 member

  

  July 2014

  People invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding. Or you can decline the shower.

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• Knottie33582919 member

  

  July 2014

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

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• lc07 member

  

  July 2014

  Peoples feelings will likely be hurt if they are invited to give you gifts but not to "the main event" which is why you should either expand your guest list to include them or cancel the shower.

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• JoanE2012 member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I've been reading up on etiquette regarding bridal showers & eloping.  My fiancé & I have been engaged for about a year and have been planning a December wedding.  I just recently started planning (last month) due to school & work; I am gradating from nursing school in the winter.  We have decided that a private wedding, with just the two of us, our dog and a few close family/friends is best for us.  The problem you ask?  My aunt and mom started planning a bridal shower for us three months ago.  I have always vocalized my feelings about wanting to either elope or have a private wedding, but I keep changing my wedding plans to try and please everyone else.  Can we have a bridal shower & still go away to get married? Invited are out.  RSVP's have been made & our shower is less than three weeks away.  Is this okay to still have a shower? I need advice!!!

  You need to have your mom and aunt cancel the shower ASAP.  You can't have people invited to a shower and not invite them to the wedding.  Trust me, I'd rather get a cancellation to a shower than an invite to a shower w/ no invite to the wedding.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  July 2014

  Thank your mom and aunt graciously and point out to them how awkward it would be for you. I hope they understand.

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• MobKaz member

  

  July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I've been reading up on etiquette regarding bridal showers & eloping.  My fiancé & I have been engaged for about a year and have been planning a December wedding.  I just recently started planning (last month) due to school & work; I am gradating from nursing school in the winter.  We have decided that a private wedding, with just the two of us, our dog and a few close family/friends is best for us.  The problem you ask?  My aunt and mom started planning a bridal shower for us three months ago.  I have always vocalized my feelings about wanting to either elope or have a private wedding, but I keep changing my wedding plans to try and please everyone else.  Can we have a bridal shower & still go away to get married? Invited are out.  RSVP's have been made & our shower is less than three weeks away.  Is this okay to still have a shower? I need advice!!!

  If plans were started over three months ago, that is when you should have spoken up.

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• Simply Fated member

  

  July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

  Right, but you didn't say no to the shower and now you're stuck. You either need to invite these people to your wedding or have the shower cancelled at your expense.
  

  
  

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• offensivekitten2 member

  

  July 2014

  Decline the shower. It's rude as hell to farm people for gifts, then exclude them.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

  It seems like you came here looking for some validation that it is okay to have the shower, but not invite these people to your wedding.  Sorry, that's just not an acceptable thing to do.  It's hurtful to those who made the cut for the shower and not the wedding.

  
  

  Your small, private wedding sounds lovely.  But you should cancel the shower.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  July 2014

  A true elopement is when you marry without anyone knowing. If noone knows when you are getting married, then noone would be able to throw you a shower.
  
  That being said, pps are correct. You can have a shower with just the very few that will be invited or you have to decline it.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  July 2014

  Your small private wedding sounds wonderful. But PPs are correct, you must either invite the ladies that come to the shower (plus their spouse or FI or boyfriend/girlfriend) or cancel  the shower.  I realize you want to experience the honor of having a shower, but you chose the very small wedding, and by doing that, you chose either a very small shower or none at all. I know you don't want to appear rude or gift grabby, so I'd encourage you to get on the ball and cancel things right away, before people start buying gifts. It's the right thing to do.
  

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• kaitlynmichelle member

  

  July 2014

  It would be rude to have a shower and not invite anyone to the wedding. My wedding is 14 people (including us). Very private! Because of this, we did not have an engagement party, or showers. It would basically be saying hi friends, buy us gifts for our wedding that you can't come to.
  
  If people want to still give you a gift, they can. They shouldn't be given a shower invitation though. Even when it is done with good intentions, it appears gift grabby.

  

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• jacques27 member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

  No one accused you of being a gift grabber.  You got your advice and it is two options and two options only - whether you wanted the shower is irrelevant to the problem at hand, the options are the same.  Cancel the shower or add the shower guests to your wedding invite lists.  Period.  There are no other options that will not be rude and tacky.  You may not have liked it, but you got the advice.
  

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• ootmother2 member

  

  July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

  
  

  They who invited must do the disinviting.  Insist if you must but it's better than having what looks to be a gift grab

  
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  July 2014

  This is one reason why it's a bad idea to plan a shower for 6 months before the wedding, and a terrible idea to plan a shower (or any other pre-wedding party) before the wedding guest list is set.  OP, you must cancel the shower. 
  

  
  
  
  

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• zitiqueen member

  

  July 2014

  Knottie33582919 said:

  I just want to point out I did not want to have a bridal shower due to the fact I was up in the air with regards to our wedding plans. My family insisted on throwing us a shower and have been doing all the planning.  I do not want to "pass go and collect gifts" or am I in a position to "expand my wedding guest list" hence the graduating in December.  This is a very stressful time and at the end of the day I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings but am looking for advice.  

  Then why didn't you say no? You're allowed to do that, you know. Oh that's right, you keep changing your wedding plans to try to please everybody else. Time to grow a backbone. Or do you plan to spend the rest of your life allowing other people to bully you into doing the things they want you to do? Seriously, "no" isn't a four-letter word. You got yourself into this mess by thinking that it was.
  

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• QueerFemme member

  

  July 2014

  Either tell your family to cancel the shower or expand your guest list. Those are your only two options.

  

  Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:

  http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
  

  http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
  

  http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
  

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• plainjane0415 member

  

  August 2014

  I am having a very private destination wedding (me, my fiancee, my parents, his parents, his sister, her husband, and their kids)  We will be coming back home and doing a reception for all of our friends and family, for which we will be sending invitations.  I, in no way think it is tacky for you to have a bridal shower with no formal wedding.  There really is something to be said about actually appreciating the day, your fiancee and the actual moment of getting married, and not having to deal with entertaining tons of people immediately before, during or after.  I think what you have planned is fine, you only get married once, and people want to celebrate it, so you should definitely let them!  Don't feel bad for wanting a private wedding..

  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  I am having a very private destination wedding (me, my fiancee, my parents, his parents, his sister, her husband, and their kids)  We will be coming back home and doing a reception for all of our friends and family, for which we will be sending invitations.  I, in no way think it is tacky for you to have a bridal shower with no formal wedding.  There really is something to be said about actually appreciating the day, your fiancee and the actual moment of getting married, and not having to deal with entertaining tons of people immediately before, during or after.  I think what you have planned is fine, you only get married once, and people want to celebrate it, so you should definitely let them!  Don't feel bad for wanting a private wedding..

  This is the etiquette board, where we give advice based on proper etiquette. 
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• plainjane0415 member

  

  August 2014

  My goodness... Retract the claws people!  This is not a huge deal.  This is the kind of stuff that makes big weddings a complete and total disaster.  If you want to have a small wedding, do it, if your family wants to throw you a shower, let them.  Just be sure to send a thank you card for all gifts. In my experience people don't really get too terribly hung up on "wedding etiquette" anymore, and if they do, then they have too much time on their hands.

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  I am having a very private destination wedding (me, my fiancee, my parents, his parents, his sister, her husband, and their kids)  We will be coming back home and doing a reception for all of our friends and family, for which we will be sending invitations.  I, in no way think it is tacky for you to have a bridal shower with no formal wedding.  There really is something to be said about actually appreciating the day, your fiancee and the actual moment of getting married, and not having to deal with entertaining tons of people immediately before, during or after.  I think what you have planned is fine, you only get married once, and people want to celebrate it, so you should definitely let them!  Don't feel bad for wanting a private wedding..

  Hello? did you read the post? No one is bashing her for having a private wedding. It's rude and tacky to invite people to a bridal shower that are not invited to the wedding. 

  
  

  OP, have your mom cancel the shower. 

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  I am having a very private destination wedding (me, my fiancee, my parents, his parents, his sister, her husband, and their kids)  We will be coming back home and doing a reception for all of our friends and family, for which we will be sending invitations.  I, in no way think it is tacky for you to have a bridal shower with no formal wedding.  There really is something to be said about actually appreciating the day, your fiancee and the actual moment of getting married, and not having to deal with entertaining tons of people immediately before, during or after.  I think what you have planned is fine, you only get married once, and people want to celebrate it, so you should definitely let them!  Don't feel bad for wanting a private wedding..

  What you think has no bearing on what etiquette rules are. I in no way think I should be limited to 70mph on the freeway, but that's not a very good excuse when I get pulled over.

  
  

  Nobody said there was anything wrong with a small, private wedding. But you may not invite anyone to a pre-wedding party and not the wedding. You just can't. 

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• bethsmiles member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  My goodness... Retract the claws people!  This is not a huge deal.  This is the kind of stuff that makes big weddings a complete and total disaster.  If you want to have a small wedding, do it, if your family wants to throw you a shower, let them.  Just be sure to send a thank you card for all gifts. In my experience people don't really get too terribly hung up on "wedding etiquette" anymore, and if they do, then they have too much time on their hands.

  Actually being rude to people you love and care about is what makes weddings complete and total disaster. Instead of people being happy for her and understanding that she is having a small wedding (which is lovely and complete fine ettiquete wise) she will have friends and family thinking "Oh well I'm important enough to go to the shower and give her a gift but not to see her get married..." People's feelings get hurt and people get upset when they are treated poorly, even if it wasn't the couple's intention to hurt people.

  
  

  Getting married doesn't mean that you get to treat people poorly and they will understand because OMG you're getting married! When you care about people you treat them like you care about them all the time and don't say "well because they love me they won't care" If you love them, you should care about how you treat them.

  
  

  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  My goodness... Retract the claws people!  This is not a huge deal.  This is the kind of stuff that makes big weddings a complete and total disaster.  If you want to have a small wedding, do it, if your family wants to throw you a shower, let them.  Just be sure to send a thank you card for all gifts. In my experience people don't really get too terribly hung up on "wedding etiquette" anymore, and if they do, then they have too much time on their hands.

  Yeah, people really do get hung up on etiquette.  I'd be royally pissed if I got invited to a shower to give a gift and I wasn't even invited to the wedding. 
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• manateehugger member

  

  August 2014

  BIG LOL @ weddings turning into a disaster because you try not to treat people poorly. 

  

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• MGP member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie43581280 said:

  My goodness... Retract the claws people!  This is not a huge deal.  This is the kind of stuff that makes big weddings a complete and total disaster.  If you want to have a small wedding, do it, if your family wants to throw you a shower, let them.  Just be sure to send a thank you card for all gifts. In my experience people don't really get too terribly hung up on "wedding etiquette" anymore, and if they do, then they have too much time on their hands.

  Yes, it is a huge deal.  I don't have "too much time on my hands" but I do care about etiquette in general because I don't want to treat people like dirt, and certainly don't allow others to treat me like dirt. 

  
  

  Side note - why does it seem like most people who try and justify "shower but no wedding invites" claim to be on a tight budget and can't afford to host at the wedding, but have no problem inviting people to a party where someone else is footing the bill?  That's what irritates me the most about this never ending debate. 

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