Chit Chat

To be (parents) or not to be

2

Re: To be (parents) or not to be

  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I have always known I want kids. FI and I really want to have 3 and start TTC 1 year after we are married. I'll be 24 and he'll be 23 (almost 24) when we get married. 

  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 at the corner of Wine Ave. and Margarita Ln. member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Ive always wanted kids. Dh was pretty ambiguous about it but recently we were having movie date night and talking when he admitted he really wants a baby with me. Im 27 hes 32 so weve got plenty of time.

    I did tell him that I had some pre pregnancy conditions: 1 I need to be physically in shape and healthy as baby deserves that. 2 we have to stop being so lazy about stuff around the house (ie I end up taking care of both him and baby all the time lol) and 3 we need to be in a good financial place. We dont have debts, but I want us to have a bigger financial cushion first. In also starting a new degree in August. I dont want to be pregnant during that program (2 years) and I want a bit of time afterwards to build my career a bit more. Hes fine with that.

    That all said, I am terrified I will screw up my child somehow. Dh and I have also discussed in superficial terms the idea of adopting if we cant have kids or after we have one or two deciding to adopt more
  • You know, I knew from the time I was a kid that I wanted kids.  And maybe losing my mom when I was 10 played a part in that?  I don't discount that it may have, but I always wanted kids.

    That being said, I have the greatest respect for people who are brave enough to recognize they don't want kids and stick with that.  Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.  Or a plumber or a doctor or a  Soldier or a used car salesperson.  Everyone needs to make the decision that works for them and if you know you don't want kids I totally respect that.

    My poor MIL was a very, very devout Catholic lady from the 50's and 60's who referred to pregnancy as a chronic infection the first 10 years of her marriage.  DH was the first born in Aug '57 and number SIX was born in Nov 63.  Think about that for a second.  DH had 2 little brothers before he was three years old.

    DH has a brother and SIL who are CBC and it was really difficult for my MIL to accept.  It all happened long before I got in the family and she absolutely adored them, but I guess it might have been difficult for her to accept.  Oh...she had one more baby 6 years after number 6 was born.

    I wish those of you who want to be childless a lovely life and those who are longing for a baby to have that happen soon. 

    climbingsingleLowell14LakeR2014
  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    When people first started talking to me about marriage and kids (after my ex and I hit the 2-year mark together) I told them I did not want kids. 

    I have since done a 180, and I am excited for my future munchkins to arrive. I can wait - I am 25 and while there are days where 25 feels more like 80, I do realize that my body is quite young and there is plenty of time for sticking a couple of buns in the oven. I think the 180 comes from the way my ex approached the subject of kids versus the way FI approaches it. With my ex, I had a scare and skipped a couple periods. Despite six negative tests (Yes. Six. I was young and naive and stupid. Don't laugh too hard at my young naive stupidity.) we discussed what would happen if the OB told us I was pregnant. It was not a fun discussion.

    FI, on the other hand, is SUPER excited about kids. He loves cooking and food, but he knows that a life in the kitchen does not give you any kind of regular schedule, and he wants that because that is "what our future family will need of me." (Not always true, nor possible, I know, but still.) So he chose a degree path that allows him to be a part of the food industry, but not in a kitchen while our future munchkins are at home. I think we've resigned ourselves to the need for daycare when munchkins are born, as we will both likely be working, but hopefully we can both be there at night/on weekends. (Although really that wouldn't be so bad if he were home during the day, at least until they're in school. It would allow us to be with them most of the day, and perhaps Ging-Ging could watch them for the interlude between Daddy leaving and Mommy coming home...??? Hmmm.) FI's excitement makes me excited to have them, because I can already see that he is going to be a phenomenal dad, and I'm glad he wants them.

    ETA: Forgot to finish my post wtf tgif I'm going home now y'all.
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  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    V and I actually talked about this a couple of days ago. He isn't sure if he wants kids or not. He doesn't want to give the kid bad genetics since we both have problems. I mention how doctors can look at traits and genetics to see if there is a high chance for anything. I'm ok either way.
    If we have kids great, if not thats ok too. We also talked about adoption and we are both open to that too. Overall, we are both young and have plenty of time to decide what we want.
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  • I grew up with a ton of siblings so somewhere around 15 while I was changing my 50,000 diaper at 3 am I decided I was beer having kids. I maintained that belief until I met FI and ended up being "mom" to an 8 year old. Now I couldn't see my life any other way. It's hard, but it is the greatest thing I've ever done.

    Also travel isnt too hard, FSS schedules visits to his grandparents or my parents house to coincide with our trips.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I REALLY want kids.  And TK is the only place I will be this open about it because people who know me in real life would probably expect me to wait much longer and become more established at my firm before taking maternity leave.  Nope.  We will probably be TTC within a year of the wedding.

    I have always felt this way, although I have often wanted to adopt or foster as well.  If I found out I had fertility problems, I think we'd try adoption rather than fertility treatments.  I would really like to open our home to foster kids at some point, too.

    Also, this may sound weird, but I also really enjoy the caretaking aspect of having a baby.  I worked in the baby and toddler room of a nursery, and I spent one summer as a full-time nanny for a 7mo baby.  I liked it.  Babies are cute, and it's incredible to watch how much they learn every day, and the poopy diapers aren't so bad.  And of course I was a teacher, so those older little boogers might be terrors, but I can deal with them.

    Needless to say, Fi and I are already planning our travel and fun for the Baby Free Year.  He just emailed me today about going to Italy while it's still just us.  I'm looking forward to that phase, too.
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  • Simky906Simky906 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014

    I do want to have 1 or 2 kids, but I haven't always been that way. I never wanted children in the abstract and that hasn't really changed. What has changed is that I'm with FI and I want to have kids with him, be a parent with him. I still don't want to have a whole passel of them running about and there are time when I get nervous and doubt my ability to be a good parent. But I am confident now that I want at least one child with him because he is an amazing supportive partner and I love the idea of a child with his eyes and my nose or his monkey toes and my hair. I get happy thinking about that, though we're still probably a good two to three years away from munchkinville.

    If FI broke up with me tomorrow though I would go right back to not wanting kids.

     

    ETA: If you and your FI are leaning towards no kids for now, then roll with that for now. You still have plenty of time to have bio kids and you could always adopt too if you do change your minds.
  • We are 24 and 25 and neither of us want kids, instead have two dogs. We like to be on the go, and with kids, it makes traveling and being able to just pick up and go tougher. Screaming babies and kids, no manners, just not my thing.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    Husband and I both agree that we don't want kids of our own (I'm 34, he's 40).  We are very happy having careers, amazing dogs, and adorable nieces & nephews we can spoil like crazy. And we do borrow the nieces & nephews on occasion when we want time around kids.  I knew as a teenager that I likely didn't want kids.  Everyone always told me that would change when I get older or meet the right man.  And now I'm married, in my mid-30's, financially stable, and that decision still hasn't changed. If I were to get pregnant, I don't think either of us would be devastated and we both agree that we would be great parents, but, we just don't have that overwhelming desire to be parents. Now that I'm married, I do often get the "so when are you having kids" questions and it's hard to convince people that its okay for me to choose to not have kids.  At least our parents are accepting of the choice, which is most important to us... we don't really care what anyone else thinks. 

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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I've always wanted to have children. Fi and I have planned to start trying in four years (when my IUD runs out and I'm a couple of years out of school), and it feels so far away. I have the worst baby fever. Granted, I know we're not at a place where we can raise children yet, and I'm only 19 (Fi's 22), but sometimes it drives me crazy! But I think it'll be nice that when we do have children, we will be together for at least seven years before a baby comes. I do cherish our current alone time.
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  • H and I always wanted kids.  I actually wanted to have biological children and adopt too.  

    Then I got pregnant and realized how much it can suck, lol.  I HATED pregnancy and had a traumatic labor/delivery.  I love my little 2 1/2 week old girl, but man I hate the delivery system.  And parenting is exhausting, especially when your little one likes to sleep all day and stay up allll night no matter what you do.

    A part of me thinks that maybe she'll be our only biological child, and we'll consider adopting in the future.  But another part of me thinks I'll change my mind and want to be open to another child.  I *personally* would never do anything to permanently not have children though.  

    Parenthood is really scary.  It is frightening being responsible for another human being and having to sacrifice yourself in ways you never could predict.  But for me, I want that.  I want to become a more selfless person and learn to love more unconditionally.  For me, that path is parenthood.  For others, it may be other ways of loving others and giving of yourself (I'm NOT saying being a parent is the only way to do that--there are many ways to build that selfless character!).


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  • I have wanted to adopt since I was twelve.  FI wants children and he is comfortable with adopting which was a big plus for me because I have met a lot of guys who were not comfortable with that and I have been told so many times in my life that I would change my mind and want to have kids "of my own" one day.  I believe adopting a child makes them "my own" (umm of course?!) and when I see how many children in this country need a home it only makes my childhood decision feel more right to me.  I am not ruling out having biological children as well as maybe I will want them at some point. 

    That said, FI and I are not in a place where we can accommodate any children and are looking to initiate the process during our third year of marriage, giving us about four years to enjoy being married before we have children.  
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 I'm Canadian, eh! member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I REALLY want kids.  And TK is the only place I will be this open about it because people who know me in real life would probably expect me to wait much longer and become more established at my firm before taking maternity leave.  Nope.  We will probably be TTC within a year of the wedding.

    I have always felt this way, although I have often wanted to adopt or foster as well.  If I found out I had fertility problems, I think we'd try adoption rather than fertility treatments.  I would really like to open our home to foster kids at some point, too.

    Also, this may sound weird, but I also really enjoy the caretaking aspect of having a baby.  I worked in the baby and toddler room of a nursery, and I spent one summer as a full-time nanny for a 7mo baby.  I liked it.  Babies are cute, and it's incredible to watch how much they learn every day, and the poopy diapers aren't so bad.  And of course I was a teacher, so those older little boogers might be terrors, but I can deal with them.

    Needless to say, Fi and I are already planning our travel and fun for the Baby Free Year.  He just emailed me today about going to Italy while it's still just us.  I'm looking forward to that phase, too.
    To the bolded: I feel the same way.  I've been in my career a few years but a lot of things are happening at my company.  If I switched to a new position, I wondered how my coworkers would take my maternity leave.  I am still struggling with thoughts of betrayal because leaving them to stay home for a year feels like I'm letting them down.

    But I also feel like I shouldn't live my life for others and start living it for myself and my FI.  

    Basically, when the wedding is done, I'm going off my birth control (I'm only on it so my period doesn't get in the way too much during the wedding and I don't know how my body will act when I get off of it), getting a medical clearance to TTC and have a fun honeymoon in April trying to make a baby :)  FI and I have already agreed that when we shop for a new car it MUST meet the needs of our future selves, like cargo capacity and 4 doors so we can get the car seat in an out.  

    Other PPs mentioned genetics, and I scared of this and the hurdles that come with pregnancy.  I have spoken to women (my mother included) who have miscarried and I have an irrational fear of not carrying a baby to term, even though there's no reason I can't.

    My cousin did not want kids based on the fact that he could not deal if the child was born with additional needs......
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  • PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
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  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    Me and FI have decided not to make any actual decisions about having kids till we hit close to 30.  We're 22 now and We'll be 24 when we get married.  We want time to enjoy being a married couple.  FI also wants us to both be where we want to be in our careers, and he wants to be more financially stable.

    I want kids, but I have always known it may not be the best decision for me health wise, and that's one of the reasons why we are waiting.  Things can and will change drastically in the next decade.

    Me and FI are at that stage where, if we can have  one or two kids in the future that's amazing, but if we can't because of health reasons, then that's good too. We have our animals, we'll have amazing careers and we can do other things that will mean just as much to us.  If my sister or my friends have kids, we'll be the most awesome aunt and uncle.

    There are many reasons not to have kids, there are also just as many reasons to have kids.

                                               

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  • Growing up I always thought if I had a child it would be adopted but I had no idea how complicated and expensive it was. Also I found that a lot of men did not like that idea at all and wanted their "own" kids. I never found the right guy, but eventually I had a "surprise" son 4 years ago. That relationship didn't work out.

    I love being a Mom (I was a nanny and teacher for years) but I didn't want another one unless I married a man who didn't have any and really wanted one. Now I am engaged to a man with 3 kids of his own so we have a pack going!

     Sometimes I really wish we could have a child together because my fiance really is my "one" but I'm 31 now and we really don't need 5 kids, that's a bit much for us especially at our age.

  • FI and I were out last night with friends. We aren't even married yet and are being asked when we are having a baby. FI will be 39 And I'll be 32 when we get married. Also FI has two kids (17 and 9). I love the kids but like when they go home too.

    Thursday night I text FI to go out for Mexican food after work. I love being able to make plans last minute or having the extra income to vacation.

    If it happens, great but there are no plans for kids now


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  • Growing up I always thought if I had a child it would be adopted but I had no idea how complicated and expensive it was. Also I found that a lot of men did not like that idea at all and wanted their "own" kids. I never found the right guy, but eventually I had a "surprise" son 4 years ago. That relationship didn't work out.

    I love being a Mom (I was a nanny and teacher for years) but I didn't want another one unless I married a man who didn't have any and really wanted one. Now I am engaged to a man with 3 kids of his own so we have a pack going!

     Sometimes I really wish we could have a child together because my fiance really is my "one" but I'm 31 now and we really don't need 5 kids, that's a bit much for us especially at our age.

    Foster to adopt is not nearly as expensive. In some states it's even free and you might be eligible to receive a stipend to provide care for the child until he/she reaches their 18th birthday.  Just throwing that out there in case you change your mind at some point or anyone else reading is put off by the cost of adoption.  
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  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I didn't want kids until sometime after 30. When I was younger, my only friends who had them were accidental parents - and not great at it. As I got older and has friends who wanted to be parents, things changed. They were better parents, had kids I actually wanted to be around, and looked at parenting is a privilege rather than a problem. After a while I realized that I couldn't see my life without them.

    Not really sucks given that we are likely to have considerable issues getting pregnant.
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  • mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
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  • PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
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  • Simply don't make a permanent decision, by which I mean sterilization. 
    You never know if your feelings will change, or what changes life might throw at you. 
    Either decision is fine, but keep your options open.
    (I have quite a few friends who chose not to have children, and only one had serious regrets. She's neurotic anyway, and probably made the best decision, and is just going through a temporary freaking out stage. She is now a neurotic parent to multiple cats, who actually go on vacation with her and walk on leashes wherever she goes. Whatever you decide, don't do this.)

    Lowell14hellosweetie1015
  • mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
    Ahh, yeah, see if I were in your boat, I'd be much more open to kids right now. I'm mid-twenties and just finished grad school and got a killer job offer, so I'm just not quite ready to not go for the career thing at the moment. Also, H is an aviator in a brand new unit, so his hours and TDYs are all over the place. He really wants to shoot for Germany for the next PCS (we've been told he'll be here at least 4 years, but we'll see). If that happens, I'm hoping I'll feel ready to take a step back and look at kids.

    Truth about Tricare though! I knew it was good, but I don't think I quite realized how good. We just got me into DEERS this week (after being taken into our appointment nearly 30 minutes late and then told our certified copy of our marriage license wasn't valid - ugh). I told H we should work to get me knocked up his last year of active duty haha, so I don't blame the people throwing that advice around.

    Yeah, I imagine it's hard to see him torn from friends that he could have grown up with otherwise. I'm sure it helps he'll be near kids in the same boat though. H and I were long distance for years while I was in school, so I haven't PCS'd with him (miracle of all miracles, he managed to follow me out to Colorado, where I was in school). I'm not looking forward to the first one. Hard to make friendships when you know separation is inevitable. I hope you and your friend can stay close while apart!

    Wow, that was long haha, sorry.
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  • PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
    Ahh, yeah, see if I were in your boat, I'd be much more open to kids right now. I'm mid-twenties and just finished grad school and got a killer job offer, so I'm just not quite ready to not go for the career thing at the moment. Also, H is an aviator in a brand new unit, so his hours and TDYs are all over the place. He really wants to shoot for Germany for the next PCS (we've been told he'll be here at least 4 years, but we'll see). If that happens, I'm hoping I'll feel ready to take a step back and look at kids.

    Truth about Tricare though! I knew it was good, but I don't think I quite realized how good. We just got me into DEERS this week (after being taken into our appointment nearly 30 minutes late and then told our certified copy of our marriage license wasn't valid - ugh). I told H we should work to get me knocked up his last year of active duty haha, so I don't blame the people throwing that advice around.

    Yeah, I imagine it's hard to see him torn from friends that he could have grown up with otherwise. I'm sure it helps he'll be near kids in the same boat though. H and I were long distance for years while I was in school, so I haven't PCS'd with him (miracle of all miracles, he managed to follow me out to Colorado, where I was in school). I'm not looking forward to the first one. Hard to make friendships when you know separation is inevitable. I hope you and your friend can stay close while apart!

    Wow, that was long haha, sorry.
    Standard or Prime?  Prime is completely free.  Standard has some small cost shares associated with it but I personally consider the perks of Standard (pick your own doctor/hospital, minimal referrals) worth the cost share.  

    This was our second PCS together.  The first one was our first year of marriage and I was totally ready to go due to personal reasons.  This one has been a little harder emotionally but overall it's a good move and it's what's best for our family. DH will deploy within the next year and a half.  I would rather be here (closer to friends and family) than where we were for a deployment.  There is also a huge story about this move and how there is no such thing as a guarantee in military life but that is a whole other topic.  
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  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
    Ahh, yeah, see if I were in your boat, I'd be much more open to kids right now. I'm mid-twenties and just finished grad school and got a killer job offer, so I'm just not quite ready to not go for the career thing at the moment. Also, H is an aviator in a brand new unit, so his hours and TDYs are all over the place. He really wants to shoot for Germany for the next PCS (we've been told he'll be here at least 4 years, but we'll see). If that happens, I'm hoping I'll feel ready to take a step back and look at kids.

    Truth about Tricare though! I knew it was good, but I don't think I quite realized how good. We just got me into DEERS this week (after being taken into our appointment nearly 30 minutes late and then told our certified copy of our marriage license wasn't valid - ugh). I told H we should work to get me knocked up his last year of active duty haha, so I don't blame the people throwing that advice around.

    Yeah, I imagine it's hard to see him torn from friends that he could have grown up with otherwise. I'm sure it helps he'll be near kids in the same boat though. H and I were long distance for years while I was in school, so I haven't PCS'd with him (miracle of all miracles, he managed to follow me out to Colorado, where I was in school). I'm not looking forward to the first one. Hard to make friendships when you know separation is inevitable. I hope you and your friend can stay close while apart!

    Wow, that was long haha, sorry.
    Standard or Prime?  Prime is completely free.  Standard has some small cost shares associated with it but I personally consider the perks of Standard (pick your own doctor/hospital, minimal referrals) worth the cost share.  

    This was our second PCS together.  The first one was our first year of marriage and I was totally ready to go due to personal reasons.  This one has been a little harder emotionally but overall it's a good move and it's what's best for our family. DH will deploy within the next year and a half.  I would rather be here (closer to friends and family) than where we were for a deployment.  There is also a huge story about this move and how there is no such thing as a guarantee in military life but that is a whole other topic.  

    Hey you guys.  SO just A thought, I'm s military kid!.  Both of my parents were in the military when they met and had me and got married. Mom was in the Navy in the Aviation Electronics and Dad was in the Marine Corp as Aviation Ordnance.  My mom was medically retired when I was 5 and Dad was retired when I turned 16 so I know all about moving and everything as a kid. 


    Honestly I liked the fact that we moved around a lot, especially when we ended up moving overseas to Japan for three.  My two bridesmaids are friends I made while we were living there and We talk all the time.


      I understand why a lot of people don't want kids while in the military but also keep in mind that moving around a lot means that your kids get a very different and sometimes broader view of the world than some people who spend their whole life living in one town.  My FI lived in one town up until we got together,  Me and him had very different views on the world inside and outside that tiny town.


    I was sad when we moved away from my friends, but now its much easier to stay friends than when I was 8 and we only had snail mail, and I got excited to make new friends even though I'm a huge introvert.  It just meant that I picked my friendships more carefully than my extrovert sister and those friendships have lasted forever.


    Now when I tell people that I lived so many different places they want to hear all about it and I'm really grateful that I have those experiences that gave me a chance to see so many things and meet so many different people. 


    Also when you do PCS a lot of the employers in the towns that bases are in present understand that people move because of orders and all the rest of that stuff.  My mom never had a huge problem finding places where she wanted to work that were ok with her leaving when we got orders.


    I just wanted to give a little insight on the PCS with kids things from a Military Kid who is all grown up!

                                               

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  • cwradford said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
    Ahh, yeah, see if I were in your boat, I'd be much more open to kids right now. I'm mid-twenties and just finished grad school and got a killer job offer, so I'm just not quite ready to not go for the career thing at the moment. Also, H is an aviator in a brand new unit, so his hours and TDYs are all over the place. He really wants to shoot for Germany for the next PCS (we've been told he'll be here at least 4 years, but we'll see). If that happens, I'm hoping I'll feel ready to take a step back and look at kids.

    Truth about Tricare though! I knew it was good, but I don't think I quite realized how good. We just got me into DEERS this week (after being taken into our appointment nearly 30 minutes late and then told our certified copy of our marriage license wasn't valid - ugh). I told H we should work to get me knocked up his last year of active duty haha, so I don't blame the people throwing that advice around.

    Yeah, I imagine it's hard to see him torn from friends that he could have grown up with otherwise. I'm sure it helps he'll be near kids in the same boat though. H and I were long distance for years while I was in school, so I haven't PCS'd with him (miracle of all miracles, he managed to follow me out to Colorado, where I was in school). I'm not looking forward to the first one. Hard to make friendships when you know separation is inevitable. I hope you and your friend can stay close while apart!

    Wow, that was long haha, sorry.
    Standard or Prime?  Prime is completely free.  Standard has some small cost shares associated with it but I personally consider the perks of Standard (pick your own doctor/hospital, minimal referrals) worth the cost share.  

    This was our second PCS together.  The first one was our first year of marriage and I was totally ready to go due to personal reasons.  This one has been a little harder emotionally but overall it's a good move and it's what's best for our family. DH will deploy within the next year and a half.  I would rather be here (closer to friends and family) than where we were for a deployment.  There is also a huge story about this move and how there is no such thing as a guarantee in military life but that is a whole other topic.  

    Hey you guys.  SO just A thought, I'm s military kid!.  Both of my parents were in the military when they met and had me and got married. Mom was in the Navy in the Aviation Electronics and Dad was in the Marine Corp as Aviation Ordnance.  My mom was medically retired when I was 5 and Dad was retired when I turned 16 so I know all about moving and everything as a kid. 


    Honestly I liked the fact that we moved around a lot, especially when we ended up moving overseas to Japan for three.  My two bridesmaids are friends I made while we were living there and We talk all the time.


      I understand why a lot of people don't want kids while in the military but also keep in mind that moving around a lot means that your kids get a very different and sometimes broader view of the world than some people who spend their whole life living in one town.  My FI lived in one town up until we got together,  Me and him had very different views on the world inside and outside that tiny town.


    I was sad when we moved away from my friends, but now its much easier to stay friends than when I was 8 and we only had snail mail, and I got excited to make new friends even though I'm a huge introvert.  It just meant that I picked my friendships more carefully than my extrovert sister and those friendships have lasted forever.


    Now when I tell people that I lived so many different places they want to hear all about it and I'm really grateful that I have those experiences that gave me a chance to see so many things and meet so many different people. 


    Also when you do PCS a lot of the employers in the towns that bases are in present understand that people move because of orders and all the rest of that stuff.  My mom never had a huge problem finding places where she wanted to work that were ok with her leaving when we got orders.


    I just wanted to give a little insight on the PCS with kids things from a Military Kid who is all grown up!

    My BFF was born and raised in the Navy and for the most part she loved her childhood (she spent time in Japan too). But like anything it had it's drawbacks.  She has kept in touch with some people but it's not the same level of closeness it may have been if they had stayed put.  She also had the issue that because of her dad's job they didn't always get stationed where there was a base so there weren't other military families around and the locals had no understanding of the lifestyle. She has said moving to those places was much harder because people had a very distorted view of the military and made assumptions about her as soon as they knew what her dad did.  

    Your mom was lucky she was able to find a job everywhere she went.  I have been the person on the side of the table interviewing the military spouse for a job and after the interview I have been in the room discussing the candidates and having colleagues want to eliminate applicants based on the fact that she was a military spouse and would be leaving in a few years.  

    I did live my whole life in the same tiny town until I left for college.  I am very grateful for that experience.  I am also grateful I had the opportunity as an adult to leave and see other places.  Now, I look forward to the day DH retires and I get to go back to that tiny town. 

    The timing of our kids is really based around when we got married and when DH deployed.  But yeah I'm glad to not be looking at 20 years of packing up my whole world every 3-5 years and going somewhere else.  
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    H and I definitely want kids. I have always wanted kids. H has always planned to have kids, but when we first got married, he couldn't imagine being a parent. It's not that he didn't want to, he was just nervous and kids had always been a long ways off, way in the future so not something to think about right now.  And he's the kind of guy (still is) that is nervous holding a baby, and then the baby cries because it can tell he's nervous and then he doesn't want to do.

    Marriage really changes people. We are both getting excited for having kids, although it probably won't happen for another three or four years at least. But we talk about kids frequently and H even occasionally says he's really looking forward to having kids with me. While when we first got married, he was like I want them but I can't imagine having them at this point.

    We've even picked out a boy's name for our first son!  We've chatted about a girl name, but haven't come to an agreement yet.

  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    mysticl said:
    cwradford said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    mysticl said:
    PDKH said:
    I think I sometimes have a hard time seeing the trade-off (H doesn't) - travel/freedom vs. the joy of kids with H. Kids are in the future for us, just a ways off; I'd have a panic attack if I became pregnant right now. We plan to be selfishish adults for 5-6ish years and then plan to have a couple children (I also don't want kids while H is still a junior officer in the military, so there's that). And then come age 18, we plan to go back to traveling. My mom has picked up all sorts of hobbies and adventures since her kids are now grown; it inspires and reminds me that there are always adventures to be had. None are greater or lesser - you just have to decide which ones you want. TK thinks paragraphs are stupid -sigh.
    @PDKH do you mind if I ask why that is?  DH is enlisted so I'm just curious about your thought process.  
    @mysticl Eh, a couple reasons. First, I personally am not a huge fan of the military lifestyle thing. I struggle with the career-military balance thing. I don't want to be having kids while I'm not settled in my career. Second, I really don't want to be moving my kids around a ton, especially once they are school age.

    H's contract is up in 6 years, but I'm trying to not put pressure on him to get out then if he doesn't want to. I think he'll be happy to go into the reserves at that point, but we'll see.
    I get that.  DH's career is winding down so it may not impact the kid's education at all and if it does it will probably only be one or two moves.  I also already did the career thing for 10 years before joining this life so I'm okay with taking time away from it.  I do have to say Tricare's pregnancy coverage is amazing.  Since DH is so close to retirement I've had people say "have the kids while he's still active".  

    We just moved this week.  I was happy to leave where we were but the thing that did get to me is that DS will not remember the first friend he had.  I have pictures and I'll tell him about her someday but I doubt he'll remember.  It was hard to say good-bye to my best friend there.  But she and her family will be going to their next duty station in a few months too so either way we were saying good-bye.  
    Ahh, yeah, see if I were in your boat, I'd be much more open to kids right now. I'm mid-twenties and just finished grad school and got a killer job offer, so I'm just not quite ready to not go for the career thing at the moment. Also, H is an aviator in a brand new unit, so his hours and TDYs are all over the place. He really wants to shoot for Germany for the next PCS (we've been told he'll be here at least 4 years, but we'll see). If that happens, I'm hoping I'll feel ready to take a step back and look at kids.

    Truth about Tricare though! I knew it was good, but I don't think I quite realized how good. We just got me into DEERS this week (after being taken into our appointment nearly 30 minutes late and then told our certified copy of our marriage license wasn't valid - ugh). I told H we should work to get me knocked up his last year of active duty haha, so I don't blame the people throwing that advice around.

    Yeah, I imagine it's hard to see him torn from friends that he could have grown up with otherwise. I'm sure it helps he'll be near kids in the same boat though. H and I were long distance for years while I was in school, so I haven't PCS'd with him (miracle of all miracles, he managed to follow me out to Colorado, where I was in school). I'm not looking forward to the first one. Hard to make friendships when you know separation is inevitable. I hope you and your friend can stay close while apart!

    Wow, that was long haha, sorry.
    Standard or Prime?  Prime is completely free.  Standard has some small cost shares associated with it but I personally consider the perks of Standard (pick your own doctor/hospital, minimal referrals) worth the cost share.  

    This was our second PCS together.  The first one was our first year of marriage and I was totally ready to go due to personal reasons.  This one has been a little harder emotionally but overall it's a good move and it's what's best for our family. DH will deploy within the next year and a half.  I would rather be here (closer to friends and family) than where we were for a deployment.  There is also a huge story about this move and how there is no such thing as a guarantee in military life but that is a whole other topic.  

    Hey you guys.  SO just A thought, I'm s military kid!.  Both of my parents were in the military when they met and had me and got married. Mom was in the Navy in the Aviation Electronics and Dad was in the Marine Corp as Aviation Ordnance.  My mom was medically retired when I was 5 and Dad was retired when I turned 16 so I know all about moving and everything as a kid. 


    Honestly I liked the fact that we moved around a lot, especially when we ended up moving overseas to Japan for three.  My two bridesmaids are friends I made while we were living there and We talk all the time.


      I understand why a lot of people don't want kids while in the military but also keep in mind that moving around a lot means that your kids get a very different and sometimes broader view of the world than some people who spend their whole life living in one town.  My FI lived in one town up until we got together,  Me and him had very different views on the world inside and outside that tiny town.


    I was sad when we moved away from my friends, but now its much easier to stay friends than when I was 8 and we only had snail mail, and I got excited to make new friends even though I'm a huge introvert.  It just meant that I picked my friendships more carefully than my extrovert sister and those friendships have lasted forever.


    Now when I tell people that I lived so many different places they want to hear all about it and I'm really grateful that I have those experiences that gave me a chance to see so many things and meet so many different people. 


    Also when you do PCS a lot of the employers in the towns that bases are in present understand that people move because of orders and all the rest of that stuff.  My mom never had a huge problem finding places where she wanted to work that were ok with her leaving when we got orders.


    I just wanted to give a little insight on the PCS with kids things from a Military Kid who is all grown up!

    My BFF was born and raised in the Navy and for the most part she loved her childhood (she spent time in Japan too). But like anything it had it's drawbacks.  She has kept in touch with some people but it's not the same level of closeness it may have been if they had stayed put.  She also had the issue that because of her dad's job they didn't always get stationed where there was a base so there weren't other military families around and the locals had no understanding of the lifestyle. She has said moving to those places was much harder because people had a very distorted view of the military and made assumptions about her as soon as they knew what her dad did.  

    Your mom was lucky she was able to find a job everywhere she went.  I have been the person on the side of the table interviewing the military spouse for a job and after the interview I have been in the room discussing the candidates and having colleagues want to eliminate applicants based on the fact that she was a military spouse and would be leaving in a few years.  

    I did live my whole life in the same tiny town until I left for college.  I am very grateful for that experience.  I am also grateful I had the opportunity as an adult to leave and see other places.  Now, I look forward to the day DH retires and I get to go back to that tiny town. 

    The timing of our kids is really based around when we got married and when DH deployed.  But yeah I'm glad to not be looking at 20 years of packing up my whole world every 3-5 years and going somewhere else.  

    Yea the town my dad retired to, where I spent my last two years of HS and where I met FI, has no concept of Military life or any kind of support which is the main reason that my parents are looking at moving as soon as dad and mom can figure everything out.  My dad moved us back to the town  that he had graduated HS from and he was really shocked at how much things changed.


    When me and FI started dating he considered going into the army, and I was ok with that idea.  They wanted him to go open contract though, which he didn't want to do since he wanted to nursing, and he knew it would mess up his plans. 


    I know timing for kids in most of the time dependent on how long people wanted to be married before having kids, but I figured  I would share with you that if you do decide to have kids while he's still Active, that it won't be a huge negative factor in a kids life as they grow up, and sometimes it can make them a more open minded individual.

                                               

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