I didn't want kids until I hit about 26. Then my bio clock started shrieking at me like a banshee. Luckily I was able to ignore it for 5 years, but alas it caught up with me at last.
I kind of think it isn't normally a decision to decide 100% on at a single point in your life. You never know who you will be, or what your priorities will be in a few years, or even a decade.
Yea the town my dad retired to, where I spent my last two years of HS and where I met FI, has no concept of Military life or any kind of support which is the main reason that my parents are looking at moving as soon as dad and mom can figure everything out. My dad moved us back to the town that he had graduated HS from and he was really shocked at how much things changed.
When me and FI started dating he considered going into the army, and I was ok with that idea. They wanted him to go open contract though, which he didn't want to do since he wanted to nursing, and he knew it would mess up his plans.
I know timing for kids in most of the time dependent on how long people wanted to be married before having kids, but I figured I would share with you that if you do decide to have kids while he's still Active, that it won't be a huge negative factor in a kids life as they grow up, and sometimes it can make them a more open minded individual.
I'm really glad you liked your life. I'm pretty sure my BFF and her siblings wouldn't trade it in either and because of their age range they all had very different experiences as military kids.
From the career aspect there is more than just being able to find a job. There is being able to put the time in to really build your career. In my case I'm a Social Worker which means most jobs in my field have insanely unpredictable schedules and could easily result in me working till 8 or 9 at night with no notice. That makes picking the kid up at daycare by 6 pretty hard and if your spouse working a 56 hour shift or is in the middle of the ocean somewhere you are kind of screwed. For me the choice to step away from Social Work to raise our child was easy because I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I had done the career thing for a decade, and I was burnt out. But when I'm being completely honest with myself there are days I miss working.
The cool thing about nursing is your H has tons of time to join the military if he wants to. I have a friend who is in her 30's and going to nursing school and is seriously considering commissioning when she graduates.
I was a military kid, although my dad was out by the time I was old enough to remember anything, and my mom went from active duty to guard so the moving back and forth was done prior to me. But those talking about tricare just be careful as far as medical procedures both for you, your spouse and kids. I had 2 hip surgeries under tricare and they were deemed "experimental". Most times I couldn't complain, but that was a big one among others.
I was a military kid, although my dad was out by the time I was old enough to remember anything, and my mom went from active duty to guard so the moving back and forth was done prior to me. But those talking about tricare just be careful as far as medical procedures both for you, your spouse and kids. I had 2 hip surgeries under tricare and they were deemed "experimental". Most times I couldn't complain, but that was a big one among others.
STB:
Having been on other insurances I absolutely love Tricare Standard. But like any insurance there are things that are not going to be covered, you may not have fared any better with civilian insurance if it was considered an experimental treatment.
I always thought I wanted to have kids early, both my grandmothers had their kids in their early 20's(although one had 11 children so I'm pretty sure it went into early 30's). My mom had me at 25 and my brother at 29 and my aunt had her 2 kids starting at 19-ish(and then a surprise baby 13 years later). And my cousin also had both of her children before she turned 30, they also all got married by the time they were 24. I was pretty sure I was never going to get married, I suck socially and didn't really date and once I graduated college I figured how will I even meet someone? I still really wanted kids so I figured I would have to wait until I was older and have them on my own or....I don't eve really know haha
Then I met my boyfriend when I was 25, who at the time had a 16 month old who is now 3 and 1/2. And pretty quickly I was ok with not having a baby anytime soon haha I love having her, and its 50/50 custody and it chilled out my urge to have a baby right away.
We have talked about it and we both would still like to have kids, but not for a few years, we will most likely start trying when I'm around 30, partly because I very recently found out I may have endometreosis and have trouble conceiving. We've also gone back and forth on if we want to be one and done since then we already have 2 kids, or have one more. And then sometimes we talk about how nice it would be to get to take trips a lot and all that kind of stuff. We both know at the moment a baby is absolutely not an option for many reasons, and as of right now we've decided if I am able to conceive when we are ready thats great, if I can't we will accept it since we already have one kid whose pretty great so the next one is almost guaranteed to be a holy terror.
**Edited to attempt to add paragraphs...I swear I did put them in, but the big block of text showed me clearly I wrote way too much haha**
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
I think that you will know when you are ready for kids, and I don't think you should worry about it until it clicks. If it never clicks, that's fine too. I know that of I were to have kids right now I would probably resent them. There may come a day when fiancé and I are ready and I think we will just know.
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
I would have been a stepmom, had I not had to end my relationship with my FI about 18 months ago. I love his son and I couldn't wait to be his 'other mom'. But it isn't going to happen now.
I stuck around here after the breakup because I love the community and the subject matter. At some point, I'm sure I'll be planning for real, with the real right guy.
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
I would have been a stepmom, had I not had to end my relationship with my FI about 18 months ago. I love his son and I couldn't wait to be his 'other mom'. But it isn't going to happen now.
I stuck around here after the breakup because I love the community and the subject matter. At some point, I'm sure I'll be planning for real, with the real right guy.
Were you able to maintain a relationship with the boy?
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
**Stuck in the box**
I feel that way to, her mom is usually a nut bag and rarely rational so that always makes things fun. I also sometimes get really frustrated about stuff involving her even though theres nothing I can do about it, hard to watch someone refuse to work and just live off other people when you work your ass off(and by you I mean bf not me haha) and sometimes all the shit she talks about both of us drives me nuts. But at the end of the day I would never not want to have FSD. And I try to interact with bio mom as little as possible.
Yea the town my dad retired to, where I spent my last two years of HS and where I met FI, has no concept of Military life or any kind of support which is the main reason that my parents are looking at moving as soon as dad and mom can figure everything out. My dad moved us back to the town that he had graduated HS from and he was really shocked at how much things changed.
When me and FI started dating he considered going into the army, and I was ok with that idea. They wanted him to go open contract though, which he didn't want to do since he wanted to nursing, and he knew it would mess up his plans.
I know timing for kids in most of the time dependent on how long people wanted to be married before having kids, but I figured I would share with you that if you do decide to have kids while he's still Active, that it won't be a huge negative factor in a kids life as they grow up, and sometimes it can make them a more open minded individual.
I'm really glad you liked your life. I'm pretty sure my BFF and her siblings wouldn't trade it in either and because of their age range they all had very different experiences as military kids.
From the career aspect there is more than just being able to find a job. There is being able to put the time in to really build your career. In my case I'm a Social Worker which means most jobs in my field have insanely unpredictable schedules and could easily result in me working till 8 or 9 at night with no notice. That makes picking the kid up at daycare by 6 pretty hard and if your spouse working a 56 hour shift or is in the middle of the ocean somewhere you are kind of screwed. For me the choice to step away from Social Work to raise our child was easy because I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I had done the career thing for a decade, and I was burnt out. But when I'm being completely honest with myself there are days I miss working.
The cool thing about nursing is your H has tons of time to join the military if he wants to. I have a friend who is in her 30's and going to nursing school and is seriously considering commissioning when she graduates.
So much the bolded; honestly, that's where I get really frustrated with the other spouses I know who tell me it's not that hard to get a job wherever he gets sent. Job =/= career.
I've been advised by everyone in my field to NOT mention anywhere that I am a military spouse for the reasons mysticl said. The work I'm hoping to do is 75% based out of DC. Makes it very hard to get a leg up on a career anywhere that's not DC.
For me, I had a dad that wasn't around much because of his job (and yes, moved the family around) and I had a mom that gave up her career to fill in the gaps. I don't intend to repeat that cycle.
And I'm on Standard for now too because I didn't want to have to drive to post to use a military doctor.
FI and I have been going through this phase ourselves. We've always talked about having kids and then this year, with me going through chemo and having to wait at least a year before conceiving, and also both of us about to enter a long job search in a precarious academic job market, we just can't think about it right now even though we're in mid/early 30s. FI said to me recently that he'd be more than ok with never having kids and I said, "Phew! Me too!" Maybe we'll feel differently once we're more settled but right now it's just not on the radar.
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
I would have been a stepmom, had I not had to end my relationship with my FI about 18 months ago. I love his son and I couldn't wait to be his 'other mom'. But it isn't going to happen now.
I stuck around here after the breakup because I love the community and the subject matter. At some point, I'm sure I'll be planning for real, with the real right guy.
Were you able to maintain a relationship with the boy?
Now that his mother (ex-FI ex-wife) and I are becoming good friends, I will be able to see him again very soon, and will see what kind of relationship he's comfortable having with me.
I'm probably the weirdest one here. I'm dying to be a stepmother. The idea of pregnancy has always grossed me out, and the whole birth process and the idea of what it does to your body (I can't get out of the idea that it ruins it permanently) just makes me sick. I can't have them anyway, due to PCOS, so I have a built-in excuse. But I've always loved the idea of being a stepmother. It would be the best of both worlds.
Are you going to be a stepmom once you marry your FI? If so and you can have this attitude I am beyond jealous! I can't wait to be step mom to FSS, but I would be pregnant for 3 years straight over dealing with bio mom any day!
I would have been a stepmom, had I not had to end my relationship with my FI about 18 months ago. I love his son and I couldn't wait to be his 'other mom'. But it isn't going to happen now.
I stuck around here after the breakup because I love the community and the subject matter. At some point, I'm sure I'll be planning for real, with the real right guy.
Were you able to maintain a relationship with the boy?
Now that his mother (ex-FI ex-wife) and I are becoming good friends, I will be able to see him again very soon, and will see what kind of relationship he's comfortable having with me.
That's awesome. It sucks for the kids when the relationship doesn't work out.
I'm 27 and have always wanted kids, but lately it seems that the older I get, the less sure I am about that. And the older my FI gets, the more sure he is that he does want them! We have talked about it extensively and I figured out that my biggest dilemma was that I have always wanted to travel (FI has traveled internationally multiple times, I have never left the U.S.) I know that I can travel once I have kids, but it's more difficult, different, and if (god forbid) my children were unable to travel for any reason, I would never want to look back and resent them for not being able to travel. So we decided that we will leave the country at least twice before we start trying to have kids. The first time will be on our HM and the second time will be a big trip to Europe. Since we decided on this plan, I've been much calmer about the entire idea of having kids.
I think the biggest thing is to figure out what your hesitation is about kids and decide together what will make you both happy.
FI and I are 35 & 31, have 3 boys between the two of us (10, 12, and almost 13) and would love to have a child together but we're also perfectly fine not having more. We both feel that whatever happens, happens - and it happens for a reason.
My older sister and her DH don't want kids (almost 34 & 32). They've been together for years but have always said that they're good without them. They take random vacations, go out whenever they please, sleep in when they can, etc. It's just not for them and they are perfectly happy that way.
DH and I were sure from the beginning that we didn't want kids. We started dating at 20 and 22 and are now married at 32 and 34. We have never wavered on that, and he got a vasectomy about a month into our marriage (when he was 30). I have heard every argument for why we should have kids from family, friends, and acquaintances, but it's just not for us. Even at 32, not so much as a peep from my biological clock.
I've always felt very secure in my not actively wanting kids. I'm 30 and still don't actively want kids. I've at least gotten to the point where I'm apathetic about whether or not I have kids, instead of actively NOT wanting them. At this point, that's all Fi can ask for. I know that he really wants kids. It's basically a non-negotiable in his long term happiness. I imagine that I'll get to the point where I'm accepting of having kids, but I can't really ever see myself being actively excited about having them. My parents aren't huge baby people even, they were never really the goo-goo-ga-ga parents (but they were still incredibly loving and supportive), so I just really take after them.
Sometimes I do worry that I'll have a kid and just will never "bond" with them and it'll just be some stranger that I feed sometimes. I worry that I'll have a kid and just never "love" them. But I guess my fears just don't really outweigh my partner's needs (or, at least, they won't in the future most likely).
When I was 18 I got pregnant and had an abortion. So I think going through that (and the thought process that I had to take) really made me feel pretty secure in what I wanted from my reproductive capabilities.
I have never wanted kids. The idea just never appealed to me. H I believe wanted kids but wanted them to pop out at age 3 and skip the whole baby phase. The only time I even started contemplating my decision is when I saw a bunch of people around me start having kids (myself, H and all of our friends are around 30 so the weddings were done, mostly, so then it was baby time). Then I thought about what it would be like and I realized that I am way too selfish to raise a kid.
I like coming home and falling on the couch and watching mindless tv until it is time to go to bed. I love sleeping in on the weekends and not having to get out my PJs. I love having money to do with what I please rather then spend it on daycare and diapers.
My sister has a daughter so I am an Aunt. We all just went on vacation together and it was the longest week of my life. I love my niece but OMG I just couldn't handle the whining and the crying and the screaming and the yelling and her just basically being a brat the entire time. It wasn't a vacation for me or my sister or my Mom. It was a vacation for my niece because everything we did revolved around what she wanted. Well dammit, I want a vacation as well to do with what I please.
I have talked to my Mom about this and she supports whatever I decide. I think she is secretly happy that I don't want kids or that I am not having kids just because everyone else around me is. She did tell me that she has always hated kids with a passion, but she loves her own and couldn't imagine not having me and my sister, but that she still hates all other kids LOL!
In the end, I really can't picture myself with a baby on my hip and being responsible for someone other then myself, H and our dog. I personally think that is enough for me.
@southernbelle0915 I'm 28 too and my FI is 29 and we have never ever felt the need to have children. We contemplate ourselves being happy caring for our nephews and nieces but that's about it. People say things like "it'll change, you're still young, one day it'll hit you, your clock's gonna go off" blablabla. But if you know you don't want them then that's fine. Maybe it'll change, maybe it won't. Just enjoy being the two of you and if you ever feel like you want kids one day then you'll make them. Nobody should tell you otherwise until YOU and FI are ready.
Re: To be (parents) or not to be
I stuck around here after the breakup because I love the community and the subject matter. At some point, I'm sure I'll be planning for real, with the real right guy.
I've been advised by everyone in my field to NOT mention anywhere that I am a military spouse for the reasons mysticl said. The work I'm hoping to do is 75% based out of DC. Makes it very hard to get a leg up on a career anywhere that's not DC.
For me, I had a dad that wasn't around much because of his job (and yes, moved the family around) and I had a mom that gave up her career to fill in the gaps. I don't intend to repeat that cycle.
And I'm on Standard for now too because I didn't want to have to drive to post to use a military doctor.
Now that his mother (ex-FI ex-wife) and I are becoming good friends, I will be able to see him again very soon, and will see what kind of relationship he's comfortable having with me.
FI and I are 35 & 31, have 3 boys between the two of us (10, 12, and almost 13) and would love to have a child together but we're also perfectly fine not having more. We both feel that whatever happens, happens - and it happens for a reason.
My older sister and her DH don't want kids (almost 34 & 32). They've been together for years but have always said that they're good without them. They take random vacations, go out whenever they please, sleep in when they can, etc. It's just not for them and they are perfectly happy that way.