The Importance of Save the Dates (rant)

mysticl · July 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

In my state, you have a 3 day waiting period. So in order to get married on a Saturday, you would have to apply for your marriage license by Tuesday of that week. I know there are different rules depending on your state, so maybe the waiting period is less, or maybe they're just jerks.

I see nothing wrong with deciding you want to get married sooner. But if you have already sent STD (and just the week prior!) then you need to contact everyone you sent one to, and tell them that the wedding isn't going to happen as planned. That's just common courtesy, but it sounds like this couple doesn't have any of that.

Our state had no waiting period. You could walk into the clerks office get your license and head straight to your wedding.

So have the "groomsmen" started a divorce pool yet?

jenna8984 · July 2014

Are they still planning to have the December PPD? This is crazyness.

AlexisA01 · July 2014

Apparently no ppd has been announced. They just wrote on Facebook that they had their nuptials at the vacation home. Sorry for those who couldn't be there. The groomsmen know his side of the family and they know that it will be problematic for the future. They can keep grudges.

mysticl · July 2014

AlexisA01 said:

Apparently no ppd has been announced. They just wrote on Facebook that they had their nuptials at the vacation home. Sorry for those who couldn't be there. The groomsmen know his side of the family and they know that it will be problematic for the future. They can keep grudges.

So what you're saying is Thanksgiving is going to be really fun this year.

chibiyui · July 2014

Wow. I can't believe this. That couple is some kinda special.

littlemushroom · July 2014

I don't understand all the comments about how horrible the bride is and how could the groom consider marrying her.

He is an adult. He could have said he wanted to wait to get married when all of his friends and family could be there. He could have taken the time to contact his family and friends so they were there. He is the one who chose not to do any of that. He is the only person to blame for it.

It is not the bride's job to make sure the groom's family and friends are notified. That is HIS job. If the groom didn't care whether his family or friends were there at the time, then the bride has no obligation to make a different decision for him. His family and friends, his choice.

It should not default to be the wife's job to make sure her husband calls his mother on Mother's Day, buys Christmas or birthday gifts for his family, sends an anniversary card to his parents, etc. He is an adult and should be responsible for those things. It also is not the bride's job to make sure the groom invites all his family and friends to the wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

Holy shit.

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:
I don't understand all the comments about how horrible the bride is and how could the groom consider marrying her.

He is an adult. He could have said he wanted to wait to get married when all of his friends and family could be there. He could have taken the time to contact his family and friends so they were there. He is the one who chose not to do any of that. He is the only person to blame for it.

It is not the bride's job to make sure the groom's family and friends are notified. That is HIS job. If the groom didn't care whether his family or friends were there at the time, then the bride has no obligation to make a different decision for him. His family and friends, his choice.

It should not default to be the wife's job to make sure her husband calls his mother on Mother's Day, buys Christmas or birthday gifts for his family, sends an anniversary card to his parents, etc. He is an adult and should be responsible for those things. It also is not the bride's job to make sure the groom invites all his family and friends to the wedding.

It's true that the groom is an adult and can make his own choices. But, we have no idea what the bride said to him during all of this and she should have never put him into this position in the first place. It's just rude and disrespectful to force someone into a difficult situation that was totally 100% avoidable.

mysticl · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

I don't understand all the comments about how horrible the bride is and how could the groom consider marrying her.

He is an adult. He could have said he wanted to wait to get married when all of his friends and family could be there. He could have taken the time to contact his family and friends so they were there. He is the one who chose not to do any of that. He is the only person to blame for it.

It is not the bride's job to make sure the groom's family and friends are notified. That is HIS job. If the groom didn't care whether his family or friends were there at the time, then the bride has no obligation to make a different decision for him. His family and friends, his choice.

It should not default to be the wife's job to make sure her husband calls his mother on Mother's Day, buys Christmas or birthday gifts for his family, sends an anniversary card to his parents, etc. He is an adult and should be responsible for those things. It also is not the bride's job to make sure the groom invites all his family and friends to the wedding.

Yes, he is an adult. Yes, he is responsible for his family and friends. No, she should not have to remind him to contact his family (but that totally does happen). PP's (myself included) have questioned why he didn't try to make a few phone calls to his family and friends. But it was the height of rudeness for her to impulsively throw out previously made plans because it was convenient for her friends. And she should have taken his family and friends into account when she wanted to change her plans and asked if it would be possible for them to make it. She married him which means his family is now her family and she has to deal with these people forever.

aspoonfulofsugar · July 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

I don't understand all the comments about how horrible the bride is and how could the groom consider marrying her.

He is an adult. He could have said he wanted to wait to get married when all of his friends and family could be there. He could have taken the time to contact his family and friends so they were there. He is the one who chose not to do any of that. He is the only person to blame for it.

It is not the bride's job to make sure the groom's family and friends are notified. That is HIS job. If the groom didn't care whether his family or friends were there at the time, then the bride has no obligation to make a different decision for him. His family and friends, his choice.

It should not default to be the wife's job to make sure her husband calls his mother on Mother's Day, buys Christmas or birthday gifts for his family, sends an anniversary card to his parents, etc. He is an adult and should be responsible for those things. It also is not the bride's job to make sure the groom invites all his family and friends to the wedding.
It's true that the groom is an adult and can make his own choices. But, we have no idea what the bride said to him during all of this and she should have never put him into this position in the first place. It's just rude and disrespectful to force someone into a difficult situation that was totally 100% avoidable.

You took the word right out of my screaming mind. I know that the bride is not responsible for contacting the groom's family, but really? I would NEVER, EVER get married without my FI's family or put him in a situation, like this one, where he was to be married without them there.

That is the ultimate slap in the face to his family and friends, and both the bride and groom are at fault. He needed to grow a pair and tell her to calm the fuck down and she needs to RESPECT the man she was marrying AND HIS WHOLE FAMILY.

ETA eaten paragraphs

bethsmiles · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

I don't understand all the comments about how horrible the bride is and how could the groom consider marrying her.

He is an adult. He could have said he wanted to wait to get married when all of his friends and family could be there. He could have taken the time to contact his family and friends so they were there. He is the one who chose not to do any of that. He is the only person to blame for it.

It is not the bride's job to make sure the groom's family and friends are notified. That is HIS job. If the groom didn't care whether his family or friends were there at the time, then the bride has no obligation to make a different decision for him. His family and friends, his choice.

It should not default to be the wife's job to make sure her husband calls his mother on Mother's Day, buys Christmas or birthday gifts for his family, sends an anniversary card to his parents, etc. He is an adult and should be responsible for those things. It also is not the bride's job to make sure the groom invites all his family and friends to the wedding.

This whole post is bullshit. I love my SO and the people he cares about (like his friends and family) are important to me because they are important to him. Yes, the groom should have said no but the bride never should have put him in that position in the first place. Saying "Everyone I care about is here let's get married" pretty clearly indicates that she didn't give a shit about whether or not people he cared about were there.

OP - I would definitely not get this couple a wedding gift. I'm surprised you're even going to dinner with them, I'd probably just let the friendship die.

littlemushroom · July 2014

@mysticlYes, he is an adult. Yes, he is responsible for his family and friends. No, she should not have to remind him to contact his family (but that totally does happen). PP's (myself included) have questioned why he didn't try to make a few phone calls to his family and friends. But it was the height of rudeness for her to impulsively throw out previously made plans because it was convenient for her friends. And she should have taken his family and friends into account when she wanted to change her plans and asked if it would be possible for them to make it. She married him which means his family is now her family and she has to deal with these people forever.

I would say that all the bolded should say "their" and "they". It wasn't just her plans for a wedding in December, it was their plans. They both decided to change those plans. She didn't spring a surprise wedding on him. She asked about moving it up, and he agreed. If he cared about his family being there, he could have and should have spoken up. I don't think it is fair to put most of this on her.

The general tone from most people in this post is that she somehow manipulated this poor, poor man into changing all their plans and deliberately excluding his family. That witch! How could she put poor, little him into such an awkward situation? She is the main one who should have known better. He just went along with her machinations. That is what I have a problem with. That she is somehow this puppet master making him do things he wouldn't otherwise do.

The finger should be pointed at them both, and the disgust about the situation should be equally at the groom as the bride. It doesn't matter what she said about wanting to move the wedding up. This was a decision they made as a couple.

There weren't any comments from anybody about how she shouldn't marry this guy who clearly doesn't care about his own family and friends. Just about how could he marry someone who doesn't care about his family and friends. That double standard is not fair.

mysticl · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

@mysticlYes, he is an adult. Yes, he is responsible for his family and friends. No, she should not have to remind him to contact his family (but that totally does happen). PP's (myself included) have questioned why he didn't try to make a few phone calls to his family and friends. But it was the height of rudeness for her to impulsively throw out previously made plans because it was convenient for her friends. And she should have taken his family and friends into account when she wanted to change her plans and asked if it would be possible for them to make it. She married him which means his family is now her family and she has to deal with these people forever.

I would say that all the bolded should say "their" and "they". It wasn't just her plans for a wedding in December, it was their plans. They both decided to change those plans. She didn't spring a surprise wedding on him. She asked about moving it up, and he agreed. If he cared about his family being there, he could have and should have spoken up. I don't think it is fair to put most of this on her.

The general tone from most people in this post is that she somehow manipulated this poor, poor man into changing all their plans and deliberately excluding his family. That witch! How could she put poor, little him into such an awkward situation? She is the main one who should have known better. He just went along with her machinations. That is what I have a problem with. That she is somehow this puppet master making him do things he wouldn't otherwise do.

The finger should be pointed at them both, and the disgust about the situation should be equally at the groom as the bride. It doesn't matter what she said about wanting to move the wedding up. This was a decision they made as a couple.

There weren't any comments from anybody about how she shouldn't marry this guy who clearly doesn't care about his own family and friends. Just about how could he marry someone who doesn't care about his family and friends. That double standard is not fair.

I never said they weren't "their" plans. I said that based on the information we have she was the one who wanted to throw them out. There is no double standard here. She showed no concern for his friends and family while he clearly showed a ton of concern for hers by agreeing to this fiasco. Why would she decline to marry someone who doesn't show concern for his friends and family? She clearly doesn't have any concern for them and may very well have been happy that he didn't consider his side. It's set one heck of a precedent in their relationship that she never has to consider his family and friends and every holiday and special occasion can be about her friends and family and she doesn't have to worry about how to split the time. And since he has probably alienated a lot of his nearest and dearest that just makes it easier to make it all about her in the future.

jimandpam87 · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

@mysticlYes, he is an adult. Yes, he is responsible for his family and friends. No, she should not have to remind him to contact his family (but that totally does happen). PP's (myself included) have questioned why he didn't try to make a few phone calls to his family and friends. But it was the height of rudeness for her to impulsively throw out previously made plans because it was convenient for her friends. And she should have taken his family and friends into account when she wanted to change her plans and asked if it would be possible for them to make it. She married him which means his family is now her family and she has to deal with these people forever.

I would say that all the bolded should say "their" and "they". It wasn't just her plans for a wedding in December, it was their plans. They both decided to change those plans. She didn't spring a surprise wedding on him. She asked about moving it up, and he agreed. If he cared about his family being there, he could have and should have spoken up. I don't think it is fair to put most of this on her.

The general tone from most people in this post is that she somehow manipulated this poor, poor man into changing all their plans and deliberately excluding his family. That witch! How could she put poor, little him into such an awkward situation? She is the main one who should have known better. He just went along with her machinations. That is what I have a problem with. That she is somehow this puppet master making him do things he wouldn't otherwise do.

The finger should be pointed at them both, and the disgust about the situation should be equally at the groom as the bride. It doesn't matter what she said about wanting to move the wedding up. This was a decision they made as a couple.

There weren't any comments from anybody about how she shouldn't marry this guy who clearly doesn't care about his own family and friends. Just about how could he marry someone who doesn't care about his family and friends. That double standard is not fair.

I have to say, I agree with this. Yes, it was obviously the bride's idea and yes, she's obviously a selfish bitch. But it also kind of sounds like the groom is trying to blame the bride so as not to look like as much of an ass. In reality, if he cared THAT much about his family/friends being there, he wouldn't have done it. I know, personally, if my FI came to me and said, "let's get married this weekend b/c my friends are in town", I'd look at him like he had 2 heads. I sure as HELL wouldn't do it unless MY family/friends could be there too. Personally, I think both of them were complete idiots and should be blamed equally.

bethsmiles · July 2014

@NikkiJay3333 - I don't think people are only putting the blame on the bride, obviously the groom should have grown a back-bone and put his foot down. But seriously? I think it's highly unlikely that this situation unfolded the way it did without some manipulation from the bride. And I also don't think it's a double standard. If the situation had been reversed and it was all the groom's friends/family who were there and no one for the bride the comments would be the same.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

They definitely share the blame, but I can't believe the selfishness of her to even ASK him to do this for her. There just aren't awful enough adjectives for it. Yes, he's a spineless tool for just going along with it, so maybe that makes them perfect for each other, but I just see giant red flags for their future if she continues making one-sided, self-serving decisions and he goes along with them but paints her as the bad guy to his friends (if he manages to keep any of them).

climbingsingle · July 2014

She should have never put him in that position. And he never should have agreed to it. They're both pretty despicable, IMO.

I definitely wouldn't get them a wedding gift. Not even a card. What they did was so rude.

AlexisA01 · July 2014

Just to clarify, his immediate family was present such as his parents, brothers, and sisters. But no grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other close friends. The rest of the family that received std were.completely left out. I'm not sure yet if the sister's husband was available to attend.

They both are to blame. I'm curious to know her side of how this happened.

LDay2014 · July 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

So how long did they have between when they decided to get married and when they got married. A couple days? Are they in a state with a no waiting period for the marriage license?

How is it ok to get married because her friends are there, and they may not be able to come in December, but it's perfectly fine for his friends to not be there. That is such a stupid reason, oh my friends are here already, let's get married. I predict divorce withing a couple years. Clearly this woman does not care about her husband's feelings. And why the hell did he agree??

So hang on...did her girlfriends not the the Save the Date too? Would they not have known the date and arranged their own travel accordingly so that they WOULD be there?

AlexisA01 · July 2014

T

LDay2014 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

So how long did they have between when they decided to get married and when they got married. A couple days? Are they in a state with a no waiting period for the marriage license?

How is it ok to get married because her friends are there, and they may not be able to come in December, but it's perfectly fine for his friends to not be there. That is such a stupid reason, oh my friends are here already, let's get married. I predict divorce withing a couple years. Clearly this woman does not care about her husband's feelings. And why the hell did he agree??

So hang on...did her girlfriends not the the Save the Date too? Would they not have known the date and arranged their own travel accordingly so that they WOULD be there?

They received them as well, since she tagged them on her Facebook status.I think it's the bride's shitty excuse of getting her way. Sorry im mobile.

SBmini · July 2014

Hmmm either groom was giving hints of cold feet so bride wanted to lock him in before he left her crazy ass, or she's pregnant.

Either she has a baby in a few months or the marriage falls apart. That is my prediction.

What an absolute cluster.

bride2b71614 · July 2014

I thought pregnancy too @SBmini! I was worried to bring it up before to avoid stirring the shit pot. I mean, they got engaged three plus weeks ago, sent out a STD for four months out...its a very short timeframe. Personally, I don't give a rats ass if a couple has children before they are married (hell I did it, and I plan to get married a year + from now), but unfortunately some families do. If its coming from that perspective, I can understand it, but its still not an excuse for their behavior.

I also want to point out that the bride's extended family was conveniently present so that they could be in attendance, while the grooms family wasn't. Its inconsiderate on her part, but a major breech in etiquette to not inform the guests about the date change. The couple is in the wrong for multitudes of reasons, and both parties are to blame.

As for gift giving: because your FI is friends with the groom (despite being salty), I would just make or purchase a nice card with some form of congratulations.

S/O etiquette question: assuming that this situation doesn't turn into a PPD: do the same rules apply to gift giving if the couple decides to change their wedding date/elope, without the guests knowledge?

AlexisA01 · July 2014

bride2b71614 said:

I thought pregnancy too @SBmini! I was worried to bring it up before to avoid stirring the shit pot. I mean, they got engaged three plus weeks ago, sent out a STD for four months out...its a very short timeframe. Personally, I don't give a rats ass if a couple has children before they are married (hell I did it, and I plan to get married a year + from now), but unfortunately some families do. If its coming from that perspective, I can understand it, but its still not an excuse for their behavior.

I also want to point out that the bride's extended family was conveniently present so that they could be in attendance, while the grooms family wasn't. Its inconsiderate on her part, but a major breech in etiquette to not inform the guests about the date change. The couple is in the wrong for multitudes of reasons, and both parties are to blame.

As for gift giving: because your FI is friends with the groom (despite being salty), I would just make or purchase a nice card with some form of congratulations.

S/O etiquette question: assuming that this situation doesn't turn into a PPD: do the same rules apply to gift giving if the couple decides to change their wedding date/elope, without the guests knowledge?

They weren't, sorry it if I implied that they were all there. For the brides family, she had her brother and just her mom (no significant others for the brother or her mom's boyfriend). Everyone else was left out. She had three bridesmaids, mom, brother, the groom, his brother, his sister, and his parents. So less than that 12 people from what I can count from the photos on facebook.

pinkcow13 · July 2014

WTF does that???

bride2b71614 · July 2014

@AlexisA01, thank you for clarifying. I mean, are any of her extended family members pissed about this situation??? Still shitty on their part, they could have waited.

slothiegal · July 2014

SBmini said:

Hmmm either groom was giving hints of cold feet so bride wanted to lock him in before he left her crazy ass, or she's pregnant.

Either she has a baby in a few months or the marriage falls apart. That is my prediction.

What an absolute cluster.

Yeeeeup my first thought too.

AlexisA01 · July 2014

bride2b71614 said:

@AlexisA01, thank you for clarifying. I mean, are any of her extended family members pissed about this situation??? Still shitty on their part, they could have waited.

The ones that show they are friends with her on Fb make comments congratulating them or asking what happened to the original date. I do not know enough information yet to know how they are expressing their nuptials. Now on the Groom's side, it is very different. There are intense feelings of disappointment and hurt.

AlexisA01 · July 2014

slothiegal said:

SBmini said:

Hmmm either groom was giving hints of cold feet so bride wanted to lock him in before he left her crazy ass, or she's pregnant.

Either she has a baby in a few months or the marriage falls apart. That is my prediction.

What an absolute cluster.

Yeeeeup my first thought too.

I think Prenuptial agreement.

bride2b71614 · July 2014

Prenuptial agreement? Well this just keeps getting more interesting by the second...I can't wait to see how this unfolds...

AlexisA01 · July 2014

bride2b71614 said:

Prenuptial agreement? Well this just keeps getting more interesting by the second...I can't wait to see how this unfolds...

My FI has some friends that have prenuptial agreements and some don't. I would not be surprise if they got married to avoid the documents before marriage, since the engagement is very new. They both come from well to do families.

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