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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie22177400
member
Which is ruder? Tell me what to do
Unfortunately I have found myself in a pretty sticky etiquette situation I hope all of you can help me out with. I will do my best to keep this short while still including all relevant information:
We sent RSVPs out to our guests back in February. A couple of days after sending them out my parents asked me to include one of their cousins and aunts on the guest list. I replied that I would invite them but didn't send a STD. A couple of months later we had a meeting with the venue and found out the space was more limiting than we had first realized and that our guest list now exceeded the space by about 35 people. This was an unpleasant surprise but since our guest list was almost entirely people traveling we figured we would risk it. I realize this wasn't the most etiquette friendly way to proceed but we didn't really have much of a choice since we had sent out Save the Dates to everyone and were in pretty deep with this venue.
Anyway we sent out our invitations about a month ago and hoped for the best. A couple of days ago my mom asks me about the invitation for her cousin/aunt because they haven't received it. I told her I was so sorry, I had completely forgotten about them and unfortunately we just don't have the room to invite them.
What should I do now?
a) Call the cousin and explain that there was a misunderstanding with the guest list. "I am sorry you were told you would be getting an invitation but unfortunately we have less space than we thought we would."
b) Invite the relatives and hope for the best. Altogether this would include probably 6 more people who would definitely be coming. We have received some declines but not enough that we are in the clear yet.
c) Wait until we get enough declines that we can fit all of these people and send them invites.
d) Send them invites now but call and tell them we don't have enough space right now and we will let them know if there is an opening.
e) Your suggestion
We sent RSVPs out to our guests back in February. A couple of days after sending them out my parents asked me to include one of their cousins and aunts on the guest list. I replied that I would invite them but didn't send a STD. A couple of months later we had a meeting with the venue and found out the space was more limiting than we had first realized and that our guest list now exceeded the space by about 35 people. This was an unpleasant surprise but since our guest list was almost entirely people traveling we figured we would risk it. I realize this wasn't the most etiquette friendly way to proceed but we didn't really have much of a choice since we had sent out Save the Dates to everyone and were in pretty deep with this venue.
Anyway we sent out our invitations about a month ago and hoped for the best. A couple of days ago my mom asks me about the invitation for her cousin/aunt because they haven't received it. I told her I was so sorry, I had completely forgotten about them and unfortunately we just don't have the room to invite them.
What should I do now?
a) Call the cousin and explain that there was a misunderstanding with the guest list. "I am sorry you were told you would be getting an invitation but unfortunately we have less space than we thought we would."
b) Invite the relatives and hope for the best. Altogether this would include probably 6 more people who would definitely be coming. We have received some declines but not enough that we are in the clear yet.
c) Wait until we get enough declines that we can fit all of these people and send them invites.
d) Send them invites now but call and tell them we don't have enough space right now and we will let them know if there is an opening.
e) Your suggestion
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Which is ruder? Tell me what to do
I wouldn't do A either because notifying people they aren't invited is also rude. Honestly, at this point, it sounds like you don't have the space, so you can't really invite them without increasing your risk of overflowing your venue (you should have found a different venue or cut your guest list). Mom will have to deal with it.
You've got enough issues hoping you get enough declines; do you have a back up plan if you don't meet the right number?
I'm the fuck out.
The reasoning behind option A: My mother told her she was invited because I said I would add her to the list. I didn't realize she would tell her that (or that they even talked at all) so that's why it slipped my mind to bring it up again as soon as we knew we didn't have the space.
It is definitely mom's issue to deal with cousin and aunt.
I'm the fuck out.
B-listing may be rude in theory, but the catch is, is isn't supposed to be common knowledge that you are doing it.
It is ok if the B crowd doesn't know about it! I was on the A list once for a wedding invitation list. the Bride's Mom asked me if I was going to decline (I was), do it quickly so they could put together the B list.
I don't even know why I was A list anyway. Me and hub were friends with the Bride's mom. The bride and groom never paid us any attention.
Well B, C, and D, are totally out of the question! Please do not think of doing any of these, it is incredibly rude and here's why:
B. You are already running the risk of overflowing guests so why would you take the chance to add more? Always assume 100% attendance, even though you've gotten some declines already you may not get any more. If you have more than the venue can hold that is a BIG problem.
C. This is called B-Listing and it is RUDE, even if your guests don't know about it. Why would you want to deceive them? And what if you don't get enough declines for another month? Are you going to send out the invites 2 weeks before the wedding?
D. This is the worst of all. Rude, rude, rude! Can you imagine if you got an invitation in the mail and someone called you up to say "just kidding! We actually can't invite you just yet, but please wait on the edge of your seat for us to call you up as soon as our other, more important guests say no!"
I do think it would be rude to just leave them hanging, especially since for your mom mistakenly told her she was getting an invite. The best thing to do is to either A or E: Have your mom call and say there was a mistake.
Honestly I can't imagine any of these guests would mind not getting invited (your mom's cousin and aunt? You guys must be a really close family because I don't think I even know any of those distant relatives, let alone invited them to my wedding) What they WILL mind though, is being B-Listed, not have enough room to sit at the reception, or getting an invitation that's immediately taken back.
Also, I doubt cancelling her contract with this venue in order to find a new venue is really an option for the OP.
Depending on when her wedding is, she will likely have to forfeit close to the entire contracted cost of her reception if she cancels.
And even if she could just throw money away like that, she may not be able to find another venue as they may already be booked. I say this all of the time, but in my area venues and vendors book weddings 1-2 years in advance.
OP, what kind of venue is this? Are you having a buffet or sit down meal? Is it possible to rent another ballroom/room adjacent to where your reception is going to be held to accommodate the additional people? It's not ideal, but it's better than being over the fire code or trying to un-invite people or just praying that people decline.
Would it be possible to have the dancefloor/DJ and cake in the other room to make room for all your guests to be seated with you in the 1st room? How about getting rid of the head table, if you were having one, to make more room? If you are having a buffet, can you have it set up in the 2nd room?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
The reasons for us being surprised are not entirely our fault and not entirely the venue's fault either. It is complicated. Please trust that it was unavoidable and we are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
I realize that all of you are trying to help with what you see as the biggest problem here, but what's done is done. What I really need help with is the issue with the additional relatives. Please and thank you.
I still would like to know why you were given two different numbers for your room totals?
What is the fire code for your room?
OP, what kind of venue is this? Are you having a buffet or sit down meal? Is it possible to rent another ballroom/room adjacent to where your reception is going to be held to accommodate the additional people? It's not ideal, but it's better than being over the fire code or trying to un-invite people or just praying that people decline.
Would it be possible to have the dancefloor/DJ and cake in the other room to make room for all your guests to be seated with you in the 1st room? How about getting rid of the head table, if you were having one, to make more room? If you are having a buffet, can you have it set up in the 2nd room?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
My main point was just that suggesting to the OP that she find a new venue is totally unrealistic advice. It's the correct advice from an etiquette standpoint, but it just doesn't work in reality; very few people are going to have the means and be willing to lose that much money and be able to find a venue at the last minute that isn't already booked.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."