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Moms and Maids

mother in law

My FMIL has been subtly rude or different towards me since my FI and I moved an hour away (we used to live closer).  Sometimes she is so nice and awesome and then sometimes I leave with a question in my head about if she was intending to be rude or if I was taking things to personally.  I will spear you of all the details but I want to know if I am out of line being upset about this one...

My parents are throwing us a small engagement party, mainly so they can meet my FI family.  (We have set up two meetings in the past where his mother bailed at the last minute).  We kind of figured if we call it an engagement party she can't really bail.  My FI tells me today that he had a long discussion with his mother about it and he is going to arrive with his family to the party and I will arrive before him with our dog (legit what he said).  I was planning on arriving with my FI (and our dog) seeing how it is an engagement party for us and I wanted to arrive as a couple.  I told him this immediately and his response was his mother is uncomfortable and he wants to do everything to make his mother is comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.  I plan to discuss this further this afternoon... unless I am the one out of line?

Re: mother in law

  • Honestly, I think his suggestion is weird. 

    If she does suffer from some kind of social anxiety, she can show up "with the family" (I assume when you say that it's more than just her and your FI). She can't depend on your FI to escort her to social settings forever...

    As a compromise, I would suggest that you and your FI show up early - together, as a couple - and greet your FMIL when she arrives. 
    *********************************************************************************

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  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm kind of on the fence about this one. It sounds like his mom may feel awkward showing up not knowing anyone. It's nice to say you guys will greet her when she gets there, but you may be busy when she arrives. I would suggest that perhaps you both show up with his mother. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    It sounds like his mom wants her son by her side. Some people have social anxiety and working with her is a nice thing to do. But I don't understand why you can't come with him and his family. I would ask that.
    This.

    She may have some social anxiety and meeting new people is probably a bit stressful and overwhelming.  Wanting her son to be with her when she arrives at the engagement party makes sense if she really is nervous.  But like scribe said, why can't you just arrive with them?  Why do you have to arrive separately?

    But if it were me, I really wouldn't care that we showed up separately.

    tammym1001
  • I can understand his suggestion if the social anxiety is something he is used to. But I don't think she can ask this of him for EVERY wedding event you two are going to be having.

    What if you two made sure to arrive at your parents house at the same time as his parents so that you could walk in together? I'm not sure if this is exactly what @southernbelle0915 was trying to say but I like both of these as compromises.
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  • What I forgot to say is that she has two other sons and their wives/girlfriends, a granddaughter, and her husband going.  She also knows the BM.. who she calls her third son.  She does know people.  My thought was why wouldn't they just follow us there (she passes us on the way)?  But she wants my FI going WITH her.

    I don't know if she has social anxiety or not.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    What I forgot to say is that she has two other sons and their wives/girlfriends, a granddaughter, and her husband going.  She also knows the BM.. who she calls her third son.  She does know people.  My thought was why wouldn't they just follow us there (she passes us on the way)?  But she wants my FI going WITH her.

    I don't know if she has social anxiety or not.
    That's annoying. It sounds like she is all sad her baby is leaving her to get married. Which is something she needs to GTFO. 

    Sorry, I don't have any new advice. I think you need to talk to your FI to figure out why he thinks this is an uncomfortable situation for her. It sounds like there must be other things he isn't saying, or he is just a "I'll do whatever my mom asks of me" kind of guy. Which is stupid. But either way, you need to get to the bottom of it, and this needs to be a decision you make together. I would not like my FI putting his mother's feelings ahead of my own-- I would not marry a person who did this. You are forming your own new immediate family. That should come first.  

    Once you figure out what is going on, I think a good compromise is you all (FMIL, fiance, and you) going together. If your FMIL has a problem with this, and your Fiance has no problem with her problem, then you've got big issues. 
  • You can't ahve a power struggle if there's only one person playing the game. She's bailed twice. If you want her there, go with what your FI wants to do to get her there. She's really not even in the equation in my mind. He talked to her, came up with this plan, and, presumably, you trust him and his judgment. I would say to FI, "I'll do what you want, but I'm disappointed that we're not going together. Can you fill me in on what's going on with your mom? Is this something she's done before?"
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yeah, that's odd. Why can't you go with them?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  •  I also find it odd that you can't all show up together? If she wants to show up with your FI, then why can't you & the dog go with them too? She gets what she wants, and you get to show up as a couple. I would think that's the perfect compromise. If this isn't okay with her, then I'd say at that point, she's just being difficult, and playing the "needy card." Which would also totally justify your feelings, of her being overly difficult, apparently in general. I'd also not give into her initial plan, of showing up separately with the dog. (That's just a ridiculous suggestion, in my opinion).

     *J
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