Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

katiebelle2882 · August 2014

I meant that bc New York is diverse it is chock full of cutures who don't do things in the "american" way- hence its more of a non issue here. They are going to continue their marriage traditions which often means they get legally married one day and the ceremony on another and don't think twice if someone else does it. And I stand by the fact that I have spoken now to many people who not only don't care-they have never heard if it. So I think there is something to be said about that. I don't know about the "rest" of the state of NY but please do not dismiss 32 years of never hearing of this issue. Literally not once. that doesn't mean it doesnt exist of course- I am just not sure it's as widespread as in other areas. Thats all.

I understand though many of the points being made, I just think some are a bit harsh lol.

MegEn1 · August 2014

katiebelle2882 said:

I meant that bc New York is diverse it is chock full of cutures who don't do things in the "american" way- hence its more of a non issue here. They are going to continue their marriage traditions which often means they get legally married one day and the ceremony on another and don't think twice if someone else does it. And I stand by the fact that I have spoken now to many people who not only don't care-they have never heard if it. So I think there is something to be said about that. I don't know about the "rest" of the state of NY but please do not dismiss 32 years of never hearing of this issue. Literally not once. that doesn't mean it doesnt exist of course- I am just not sure it's as widespread as in other areas. Thats all.

I understand though many of the points being made, I just think some are a bit harsh lol.

You may never have heard about it because people have been lying about it. I'd never heard of it either until I came here, but only because I'd never realized that people DID it because they lie about it.

That being said, it would be super nice to believe that the number of people scamming marriage for the bennies is small.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

katiebelle2882 said:

I meant that bc New York is diverse it is chock full of cutures who don't do things in the "american" way- hence its more of a non issue here. They are going to continue their marriage traditions which often means they get legally married one day and the ceremony on another and don't think twice if someone else does it. And I stand by the fact that I have spoken now to many people who not only don't care-they have never heard if it. So I think there is something to be said about that. I don't know about the "rest" of the state of NY but please do not dismiss 32 years of never hearing of this issue. Literally not once. that doesn't mean it doesnt exist of course- I am just not sure it's as widespread as in other areas. Thats all.

I understand though many of the points being made, I just think some are a bit harsh lol.

I had never heard about it until my SIL did it herself. This was before I was on TK so in my head I thought that she just must be crazy and just assumed and hoped that the majority of the people in the world weren't as rude. Unfortunately after coming on here I found out that I was wrong.

And when my SIL decided to do this, keep in mind I had never heard of such a thing before, I thought to myself, "what is the point and why all the secrecy?" She said they got married for visa reasons. H and I both believe that they were vacationing in Vegas and just decided it would be a fun thing to do and they didn't really think about their parents or families reaction so they just made the visa issue up. And at dinner when she told her parents and myself and my then BF (now H) that she got married but wasn't going to tell anyone else my initial reaction was "why? what are you so ashamed of?"

I just honestly don't get PPD even if the couple is being truthful with everyone. As two adults you made a choice as to how you were going to get married and you followed through. So why the need for the party? I am sure many times it is family pressure but just why? At the time you got married you must have been happy about your choice so why weeks or months or years afterwards do you all of a sudden feel the need to recreate it? It is done, you are married, move the fuck on and just enjoy the rest of your life.

MegEn1 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

If this place were full of newbies who hadn't been through the wedding process it would greatly defeat the purpose.

Work on your insults, they're lacking.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

It is HON not hun. Get it right.

manateehugger · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

It is HON not hun. Get it right.

To be fair, she could mean this:

Maggie0829 · August 2014

@flantastic - I can't see your picture. Boo

manateehugger · August 2014

YES!! Great minds think alike.

mrsmagicgeek · August 2014

i rinashayk said:

foundmymagicgeek

Um, ok? I unfriend you. Seriously, I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down. You mainly seem to be arguing for the sake of arguing, at least on this thread.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

If she really was talking about the actual Huns then okay, but that would be kind of...odd.

manateehugger · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

If she really was talking about the actual Huns then okay, but that would be kind of...odd.

Maybe it's some Atilla the Hun historical analogy that we don't get because we aren't as smarts as her?

Maggie0829 · August 2014

That is probably it @PDKH. Who knows, maybe the Huns were rampant PPDers?

chibiyui · August 2014

irinashayk said:
I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

I've been married just over two months, which to a child might be a long time, but not to an adult.

And my wedding was pretty kick ass, so I can give great advice on how to have a kick ass wedding. If you want a boring wedding, by all means ignore me.

antibride2013 · August 2014

We had a funeral not too long ago for a family member. We found out that 2 different cousins actually picked the same day for their weddings ( poor Hubby's family doesn't know how to communicate). Well I thought I remembered reading that one of the cousins marriage certificate was filed at least 10 months prior. So when I got home I looked it up and sure enough cousin #1 was already married, didn't tell anyone and she was having a PPD. Well the next day when everyone was around I let it *slip* and announced to everyone that cousin #1 was already married so that would make the decision easier for which wedding to attend. Cousin #1 was PISSED and said "well we just went to the courthouse, now we are having the REAL wedding". I told her the courthouse was her real wedding and congrats were given.

Invites went out and 80% of cousin #1 guests declined. I think out of like 140 invited only like 17 or 20 people showed. She didn't get any gifts either because everyone that did go treated it as a vow renewal after the news spread to EVERYONE that they were already married.

Sorry not sorry cousin #1. Guess I helped her learn that lying is bad.

AddieCake · August 2014

irinashayk said:

yeah the ms addiecake contradicts herself all the time, no to the lying, but it is ok to have a party, but noooo dress, no vows, no nothing. so basically have a BBQ on your backyard in blue jeans, do not DARE wear anything white. PLEASE.
Ladies I stood up for myself and others that won't say anything because you will judge them. But it is tiring and time consuming, specially at work!

Huh? I can barely decipher this. I see my name in it, so I THINK you are talking about me. Are you saying that I contradict myself all the time and that I say no dress, no vows, etc? Because if so, you are wrong.

AddieCake · August 2014

In fact, one of my bridesmaids was planning a PPD, and I was fully on board. White dress, vows, attendants, the works. So I'll thank you in advance to have your facts straight before calling me out on shit. And to know what it means to contradict one's self.

beethery · August 2014

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

You have got to be shitting me. You got mad because other posters disagreed with you, and now you try to pull some tattle-tale shit?

This is pathetic. Truly. You're not convincing anyone here of anything besides the fact that you are belligerently stubborn. This post that I've quoted really shows that you are so down to the wire on arguments that you're just giving up the ghost by trying to tattle like a child after a very poorly executed dismissal of another poster.

also really with the Irina Shayk name. You really tried, there.

MobKaz · August 2014

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

You are making a conscious choice as to whether you participate on these boards. You can neither predict, nor control, what you will read. On these boards, I have often said that I am not a fan of the profanity. I cringe at a few. I can and do swear like a sailor in the privacy of my own home, but prefer not to do so in cyberspace. That does not give me the liberty to admonish those that choose to make their responses colorful. If you don't like what you read, turn off your computer.

And I will take colorful language over a rainbow mentality any day of the week.

kmmssg · August 2014

PDKH said:

Maggie0829 said:

irinashayk said:

I will, why don't you move to the nest or the bump? you are already way past the knot hun! Just saying!
and @knotporscha @PDKH is using foul language, is this allowed?

It is HON not hun. Get it right.
To be fair, she could mean this:

Sorry, so off topic but Mulan is seriously my favorite movie. My afternoon needed this. (well the gif, not the craziness this thread has become. I don't know why but there is something about a girl whooping the entire Hun Army's buns that warms the cockles of my heart. OK, I now return you back to the craziness.

beethery · August 2014

flantastic said:
I genuinely think that she's trying to prove that she's smarter than us (which would negate our comments on her other threads about red flags we see with her relationship) and mature enough to get married.

When in reality she's doing pretty much the opposite.

The joke is on her, then

mrs4everhart · August 2014

I don't have the time to quote, etc., regarding this whole chemo/interruption of chemo/how selfish can I be nonsense. TK mobile sucks. Here's the long and short of it:

1. Mom (and Dad) have known the deal all along. In fact, it was in part Mom's idea to sign the paperwork when we did followed by leaving MX in place this Sept.

2. Mom was diagnosed in March. Her treatments were slated to be 4-5 months, ending late summer/fall regardless of our wedding. Not related. Her treatment plan has been laid out by her doc at the Mayo Clinic. My wedding/travel plans had nothing to do with it. She will follow up chemo with a stem cell transplant. The timing of which will also be coordinated with Mayo, not me.

3. Back in March we decided to pull the plug on MX. Mom wouldn't hear of it. We were going to do it anyway. We needed to make a final decision by July if we intended to retrieve deposits. By July her oncologists (both local and at Mayo) told her she would absolutely be fine to travel, which she's been adamant about wanting to. She has been very clear since Day 1 that she has zero intention of handing over anymore of her life or the things that are important to her to Multiple Myeloma. Apparently for her that includes a vacation she's been planning for about a year and a half.

4. She planned her travel to be available for one of her final treatments on a Wednesday like usual. In talking to her docs they both agreed that that particular treatment can be postponed without any risk to her health or treatment plan. If they or she thought postponing would be detrimental, she would have received it as regularly scheduled.

5. It may be hard for y'all to understand why she's excited about going to Mexico. It's not hard for me to understand it. Or anyone else whose opinion would be factored in to her travel or treatment plans.

This has zero to do with me, or my alleged selfishness, and everything to do with medical professionals giving medical advice. And her oncologists clearly don't care about what she wants - they made her quit her job without notice, so their concern is her health first and what she wants second. But if an oncologist who specializes in your type of cancer at the Mayo Clinic says: you deserve a break, go enjoy your vacation, I think most of us would take the advice.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:
I don't have the time to quote, etc., regarding this whole chemo/interruption of chemo/how selfish can I be nonsense. TK mobile sucks. Here's the long and short of it:

1. Mom (and Dad) have known the deal all along. In fact, it was in part Mom's idea to sign the paperwork when we did followed by leaving MX in place this Sept.

2. Mom was diagnosed in March. Her treatments were slated to be 4-5 months, ending late summer/fall regardless of our wedding. Not related. Her treatment plan has been laid out by her doc at the Mayo Clinic. My wedding/travel plans had nothing to do with it. She will follow up chemo with a stem cell transplant. The timing of which will also be coordinated with Mayo, not me.

3. Back in March we decided to pull the plug on MX. Mom wouldn't hear of it. We were going to do it anyway. We needed to make a final decision by July if we intended to retrieve deposits. By July her oncologists (both local and at Mayo) told her she would absolutely be fine to travel, which she's been adamant about wanting to. She has been very clear since Day 1 that she has zero intention of handing over anymore of her life or the things that are important to her to Multiple Myeloma. Apparently for her that includes a vacation she's been planning for about a year and a half.

4. She planned her travel to be available for one of her final treatments on a Wednesday like usual. In talking to her docs they both agreed that that particular treatment can be postponed without any risk to her health or treatment plan. If they or she thought postponing would be detrimental, she would have received it as regularly scheduled.

5. It may be hard for y'all to understand why she's excited about going to Mexico. It's not hard for me to understand it. Or anyone else whose opinion would be factored in to her travel or treatment plans.

This has zero to do with me, or my alleged selfishness, and everything to do with medical professionals giving medical advice. And her oncologists clearly don't care about what she wants - they made her quit her job without notice, so their concern is her health first and what she wants second. But if an oncologist who specializes in your type of cancer at the Mayo Clinic says: you deserve a break, go enjoy your vacation, I think most of us would take the advice.

I'm also being treated at Mayo Clinic with inpatient chemo therapy. So, you can't just throw that around to be impressive. I do, however, trust them on their judgments and with me, even with a life threatening clot, they were panicky about my treatment being postponed. I'm sure it's a difference in cancers, but to me, postponing is the very last thing I'd ever do.

I'm at least relieved to see that you were considering canceling your plans. That does show a bit of selflessness in this whole mess. Not that my opinion matters.

antibride2013 · August 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

I don't have the time to quote, etc., regarding this whole chemo/interruption of chemo/how selfish can I be nonsense. TK mobile sucks. Here's the long and short of it: 1. Mom (and Dad) have known the deal all along. In fact, it was in part Mom's idea to sign the paperwork when we did followed by leaving MX in place this Sept. 2. Mom was diagnosed in March. Her treatments were slated to be 4-5 months, ending late summer/fall regardless of our wedding. Not related. Her treatment plan has been laid out by her doc at the Mayo Clinic. My wedding/travel plans had nothing to do with it. She will follow up chemo with a stem cell transplant. The timing of which will also be coordinated with Mayo, not me. 3. Back in March we decided to pull the plug on MX. Mom wouldn't hear of it. We were going to do it anyway. We needed to make a final decision by July if we intended to retrieve deposits. By July her oncologists (both local and at Mayo) told her she would absolutely be fine to travel, which she's been adamant about wanting to. She has been very clear since Day 1 that she has zero intention of handing over anymore of her life or the things that are important to her to Multiple Myeloma. Apparently for her that includes a vacation she's been planning for about a year and a half. 4. She planned her travel to be available for one of her final treatments on a Wednesday like usual. In talking to her docs they both agreed that that particular treatment can be postponed without any risk to her health or treatment plan. If they or she thought postponing would be detrimental, she would have received it as regularly scheduled. 5. It may be hard for y'all to understand why she's excited about going to Mexico. It's not hard for me to understand it. Or anyone else whose opinion would be factored in to her travel or treatment plans. This has zero to do with me, or my alleged selfishness, and everything to do with medical professionals giving medical advice. And her oncologists clearly don't care about what she wants - they made her quit her job without notice, so their concern is her health first and what she wants second. But if an oncologist who specializes in your type of cancer at the Mayo Clinic says: you deserve a break, go enjoy your vacation, I think most of us would take the advice.

SIB-

As a Hematologist I call HUGE BULLSHIT on this. There is NO WAY a patient actively receiving chemotherapy pending a stem cell transplant would be allowed to travel outside the country, especially to MEXICO. You are full of crap.

katiebelle2882 · August 2014

Maggie I am sorry but you think the rest of the people in the WORLD are rude when they don't do things the American way? I am sorry but that is ethnocentric and arrogant. You think the rest of the WORLD (which is most of it by the way) should change the traditions in their country (or when they are in this country for that matter) bc an AMERICAN doesn't think its right to do it that way? Even if their family and friends for the most part are from that other country?

As for not understanding it- I think its a pretty simple concept. For many people you have to legally get married before you have the actual celebration (and no im not talking about years and years-months or weeks). Their desire for a celebration of their marriage is no less valid than your reasons- and as I said before for many- its a matter of dates and times lining up correctly. For people who have family all over- that family is likely thankful that you want them there so much that you are doing things at a different time and date and unlike many people here, they don't care if you signed papers ahead of time. A party to celebrate is a part to celebrate. Should people be offended that I have my bday party on a saturday despite the fact that my actual birthday was weds? I think people just don't hide it here in NY when they have been married for a long time before the celebration. They are upfront about the fact that their wedding is just a party after the fact which i know is really what most people here are saying.

There will always going to be selfish, greedy people in the world regarding weddings (and everything else for that matter) and just as many of them do it the "traditional" way as the ones who don't. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in almost everyone- and im not even talking about this particular issue.

I think the main thing is we are clearly going to agree to disagree here but I am not sure being so judgy is right (on either side). As for the hun thing. that's how many people write it why be so mean about it??

beethery · August 2014

irinashayk said:

I have problems in my relationship, yeah like every other couple. I am jealous you guys are examples of the perfect couples, or etc. My mistake was to ask for advice in a forum in which 10% of the girls will try to give advice, and the other 90% will use it against you.
Should have known better ha! But I am the child. Keep on rocking your gifs y'all!

Who here said their relationship is without problems? That's ridiculous. Neither I, nor my FI, nor any other poster here is perfect or trying to portray themselves as perfect because they didn't have a PPD.

I try to get the point across that LYING. IS. NOT. COOL. That was the advice you need it. Whether you take it or not is up to you. Do whatever the hell you want, but don't come looking for validations on shitty behavior. That's all.

MegEn1 · August 2014

This conversation has finally driven me to order two Miss Manners books on Amazon.

chibiyui · August 2014

irinashayk said:
I have problems in my relationship, yeah like every other couple. I am jealous you guys are examples of the perfect couples, or etc. My mistake was to ask for advice in a forum in which 10% of the girls will try to give advice, and the other 90% will use it against you.
Should have known better ha! But I am the child. Keep on rocking your gifs y'all!

There's a difference between arguing about who makes the bigger mess (in the kitchen, it's H, in the living room, bathroom, and everywhere else it's me. My possessions tend to sprawl. ) and calling off an engagement over the one person hanging up on you. Which seems to be the tip of the iceberg. You've got issues. Big ones. Work on them.

MegEn1 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

True, my birthday is on a Monday, and wanted to celebrated on Friday. I am in fact re enacting my birthday just to have people I care with me. I am such a princess. @katiebelle2882 I agree with you, hun (insert southern accent here) It is a marriage, a reason to celebrate, not to judge.

No one is saying that it's wrong/rude/PPD to host a nice reception after you've been married - either directly after or months after or whatever the case may be.

But having a fake ceremony before said reception would be like getting naked and rolling in bodily fluids before crawling between your mother's thighs and telling everyone that was your real and natural birth, THEN having the party to celebrate it.

Reception =/= Ceremony.

Fran1985 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

beethery honey, please read and review my comments up there, I do not condone lying. I don't think is appropriate. I said it multiple times.

Ok so most of the people here agree with you. What are you even arguing about.

Celebrating your birthday on a Friday when its really on a Monday is actually a great analogy you are just using it wrong. Nobody who decides to celebrate on a Friday says "Let's get together because my birthday is on Aug 1 this year, even though last year it was July 28th." They say "Hey my birthday is Monday, let's get together Friday." That's the equivalent of saying hey we got married for health insurance, but we want to celebrate later this summer. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING TO DO.

beethery · August 2014

irinashayk said:

beethery honey, please read and review my comments up there, I do not condone lying. I don't think is appropriate. I said it multiple times.

Ok, then

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