Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

Simply Fated

butterscotchjellybeans said:

what's a snowflake?

A special snowflake is someone who thinks... not so much that they are unique, but that their situation is unique. So basic etiquette and (and the rules of life) doesn't apply to them. 


Fun fact: The first time I personally heard the term used was in reference to Twilight: Breaking Dawn regarding Renesmee.

lyndausvi

lightningsnow said:

katiebelle2882 said:

I

First of all, paragraphs are your friends.

In the poster's defense the knot has a way of removing paragraphs.  It's problem we have been dealing with for a while now.

:-(

Jells2dot0

you know, snowflake...each one is unique and different. No one snowflake is the same....

Simply Fated

butterscotchjellybeans said:

simply fated: interesting, but I don't see the term snowflake having anything to do with the uniqueness of a person, or his/her situation. Funny term though.

Really? Because each snowflake is unique... and the person thinks their situation is unique....
You really don't see the connection?

mrs4everhart

I always get a chuckle at the Special Snowflake moniker. We started using it many, many years ago to bag on hipsters and their ridiculousness.

But when using it to define someone who doesn't want to be "like everyone else" and/or to describe someone who doesn't follow conventional thinking on a particular subject (like etiquette) I always think to myself, who the hell WANTS to be like everyone else? Where's the fun in that? No thanks!

MegEn1

STBMrsEverhart said:

I always get a chuckle at the Special Snowflake moniker. We started using it many, many years ago to bag on hipsters and their ridiculousness. But when using it to define someone who doesn't want to be "like everyone else" and/or to describe someone who doesn't follow conventional thinking on a particular subject (like etiquette) I always think to myself, who the hell WANTS to be like everyone else? Where's the fun in that? No thanks!

If being rude to your supposed friends and loved ones is how you express yourself, by all means continue to do it. Other people like to paint, or have funky fashion choices. But rudeness ... I suppose that's really what makes you, you. 

mrs4everhart

MegEn1 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

I always get a chuckle at the Special Snowflake moniker. We started using it many, many years ago to bag on hipsters and their ridiculousness.

But when using it to define someone who doesn't want to be "like everyone else" and/or to describe someone who doesn't follow conventional thinking on a particular subject (like etiquette) I always think to myself, who the hell WANTS to be like everyone else? Where's the fun in that? No thanks!

If being rude to your supposed friends and loved ones is how you express yourself, by all means continue to do it. Other people like to paint, or have funky fashion choices. But rudeness ... I suppose that's really what makes you, you. 

I'm pretty polite most of the time, actually. I'm usually only heinous when good and pissed off. But rude to my friends and family? It's been a while since my teens years. I was just awful back then. Since then I've been as proper as I'm ever gonna get.

Simply Fated

The term is used for people who think they're unique even when they aren't. Don't get me wrong, everyone is unique, but not in the way these snowflakes think they are.

Like in high school when all those kids started shopping at Hot Topic instead of the Gap to be different. But they all ended up looking like each other.

Simply Fated

butterscotchjbeans said:

Or most brides shopping for white dresses looking quite similar?? it sounds weird, we are all unique, and we should embrace our uniqueness without diminishing another person's way of doing things, or viewing life! 

Love the penguins!

Like when a bride decides she is going to be different and wear a wedding dress that is red or cream or pink or what ever because she wants to be different! Unique! I'm not like other brides! 

Yes, yes you are. You are like all the other brides that choose not to wear white. 

Like what Margaret Mead said, "remember you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else." Everyone is unique as a whole. No one person is unique from everyone else. When a bride says they want to be different, they aren't being different. They are being the same, just the same as a different group.

My penguins are following the butterflies.

laceykeo

So, what I've got from 56 pages of arguments is as follows:

An invitation to a wedding is gratefully received, and said wedding attended. The happy couple were in fact "legally married" (regardless of thoughts on the subject, if they then wanted to marry someone else they would have to file for a divorce, so, they're married) a number of days/weeks/months beforehand, because reasons.

There are essentially two ways to word this invite.
1) A and B invite you to join them at the wedding of C and D at (date, time, place) blah blah blah.
People spend money on outfit, gift, travel, hotel. People use vacation time/time with family/time doing their weekly shopping.
Wedding is attended, everyone has a great time watching the couple get married.
Time later, people find out the couple were already legally wed beforehand. The money/time spent at best becomes anything from a confused "well, I wouldn't have put so much effort in had I known", to a downright hurt "well why didn't they just say? Apparently our relationship is not as close/important as I thought since I've just wasted all that time/money on a farce. Well they can forget it if they think I'll be talking to them any time soon".

Or,
2) C and D (or whoever) invite you to join them at the celebration of their marriage, at (date, time, place) blah blah blah.
Insert: C and D recently exchanged vows and became wed on (date). There was a small, private ceremony, (possibly due to reasons), and we would now be honoured if you'd join us in celebration, blah blah blah.
People spend money etc etc etc.
People attend.
People ask to hear about your wedding.
People enjoy your kick ass celebration.
People comment on what a beautiful day it has been.
People are in no way lied to.

After 56 pages of reasons, I can comfortably say I'd be more than happy (circumstance permitting) to attend a celebration, buy a new dress, get the couple a gift.

What purpose does lying achieve?

Have your "legal bit" beforehand. Be happy about it. Whatever the reason, you married the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with, that in itself is amazing. And I'd happily celebrate that with you whenever you are comfortable/able to do so.

Why lie? I don't get it.

carrie0924

Wow. This post left a seriously bad taste in my mouth. I have friends that I met after they got married in a JOP ceremony. Several years after they were legally married, they had a wedding that I got to attend. It was beautiful. It didn't matter to anybody there that they were already legally married. The couple made the decision for financial reasons. They wanted to be married, but couldn't afford a large wedding. So they got married, paid off their debts, and then had the wedding they wanted. Everybody had a fantastic time. Although they had been married for several years, they still registered and received gifts. And they still paid for everybody to eat, drink and be merry. It was hands down the best wedding I've ever been to. I would never for a second even dream of being hateful or resentful over the way they chose to do their ceremony and wedding. This post is harsh. It's not "telling it like it is as an honest stranger." It's mean and judgy. It's somebody sitting behind the safety of their monitor and spewing senseless anger. I'm glad I'm reading this as somebody planning a first wedding rather than somebody planning a PPD - this rant would have brought me to tears. Brides get enough opinions about their wedding. There's no "right way" to do it. Let everybody have their own day, on their terms. If you don't like it, don't attend one.

Jells2dot0

butterscotchjbeans said:

@carrie0924 I agree with you, specially for brides who are coming from a different culture and see a civil wedding and a religious wedding as normal this thread can be hurtful. 

The reasons these women are saying all this is because, they don't like to be lied to, they don't want to spend money on a gift if you are already married, they think it is just a meaningless show, and basically ridiculous. 

I don't mind. I love weddings, and love my friends. 

Did you bother to read the thread? It's clearly stated that having separate civil and religious ceremonies in countries that require it is completely within etiquette and considered not offensive. So, don't claim that thread is hurtful to those in that situation. 

I do agree that weddings are great, except that re-dos aren't weddings. They are vow renewals. The couple is already married and can't have another wedding unless they divorced in between. 

APDSS22

carrie0924 said:

Wow. This post left a seriously bad taste in my mouth. I have friends that I met after they got married in a JOP ceremony. Several years after they were legally married, they had a wedding that I got to attend. It was beautiful. It didn't matter to anybody there that they were already legally married. The couple made the decision for financial reasons. They wanted to be married, but couldn't afford a large wedding. So they got married, paid off their debts, and then had the wedding they wanted. Everybody had a fantastic time. Although they had been married for several years, they still registered and received gifts. And they still paid for everybody to eat, drink and be merry. It was hands down the best wedding I've ever been to. I would never for a second even dream of being hateful or resentful over the way they chose to do their ceremony and wedding. This post is harsh. It's not "telling it like it is as an honest stranger." It's mean and judgy. It's somebody sitting behind the safety of their monitor and spewing senseless anger. I'm glad I'm reading this as somebody planning a first wedding rather than somebody planning a PPD - this rant would have brought me to tears. Brides get enough opinions about their wedding. There's no "right way" to do it. Let everybody have their own day, on their terms. If you don't like it, don't attend one.

If they were only having their own 'one day' we would not have a PPD thread.

More than half of the responses of this thread involve something like: It's somewhat AWish to even have two "weddings" but if someone were to feel the need for two ceremonies at the very least DO NOT LIE about it.  If someone tells you it's their wedding and then they tell you afterward: "just kidding, we got hitched last year for VERY IMPORTANT REASONS but wanted you to be experiencing the moment with us as our actual wedding so we lied and said we weren't married hahahaha."  So if no one tells you it's all a big lie until after it's over, does that mean you're supposed to do a full background check before accepting invitations?  Yeah, that sounds normal.

scrunchythief

butterscotchjbeans said:

@jells2dot0 I did read. What do we do if an European couple is living here and wants to marry civilly and religiously separately? It is confusing, and gets tiring. I see your point, and all the ladies in here. I can agree with some of yall's points, but many are just unnecessary.

Why would someone from Europe, living in America, want to get married civilly and religiously separately?  When I learned about this practice while studying French culture, I learned that they do the civil part of the marriage the night before the religious ceremony.  This is so expected in their culture that I as an American know to expect that set up in France.  I'd be super confused if someone in France got married civilly a year before having a religious ceremony.  

So, if they're here, and it's more convenient to do them at the same time (which it is), why separate them?  The only reason I see is if you're separating them for different reasons than the legal ones they have in parts of Europe.  

Also, my church (Catholic) requires the legal and religious ceremonies to be simultaneous, except in parts of the world where that is not legal.  So, in Europe it's cool to have them separated, but if the same couple went to a priest in America while civilly married, they can't have a wedding there.  They can have a convalidation if one is granted.