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Getting married now, having a wedding in a year?

saxxon88saxxon88 member
First Anniversary
in Wedding 911
My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years and engaged for 4 we have 2 children. We have been slowly planning our wedding for about a year now. My children go to a christian school and I found out this past year by volunteering in the preschool how much I love that age and the children a spot has opened up for an aid in the preschool and I want it so bad!!!!! Downfall is the headmaster of the school refuses to even consider hiring me until we are married due to moral values and us living together without being married and I do understand that.... but that means getting married now  in august but we still want our wedding to be next year in September and for that to be our anniversary date. I am wondering if that's normal or if I should feel, I don't know stupid... Because I want the whole experience of planning, bridal shower, bacholarette party, bridesmaids, my father walking me down the aisle, and all the first dances and everything basically the whole shebang. I would wait for this job till next year but we are already on a tight budget of only 5,000 for the wedding and me having this job could help a bunch, maybe even double our budget. 

On top of all this.... my fiances mom is making a huge deal of this...if we did get married now our plan was to just go to the court house and be done with it and not really tell anyone... but close family and everyone I know at the school would know I am married cause they all know I can't work there without being married... But anyways his mom wants us to do something with our parents, grandparents, and siblings I am super nervous about that because I don't want to feel worse about still wanting to have a wedding in year and I need some input. My mom just wants us to do what will make us happy my fiance says why not just make his mom happy our day will be in a year, my dad says it doesn't matter just make her happy and I'm so lost... and if i do do all that and then don't end up with the job I'm going to feel worse cause if we would have just gone to the court house and I didn't get the job nobody at all would have to know... Ugh I need some help with alllllll of this!!!! Please!!! And quick it needs to happen asap!!!!!
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Re: Getting married now, having a wedding in a year?

  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I'm surprised the headmaster isn't insisting that he be the officiant at yBour wedding.

    Or that he even allows your kids to stay, or you to volunteer, since you (gasp!) aren't legally married.

    Besides that? You get married when you make the promises to each other in front of witnesses, whether at the courthouse or elsewhere. The first place you do it? THAT'S your wedding. If you want that date in September, take your honey down to the courthouse that day and do it. Bring the kids. Or not.

    Marriage is more than the fantasy and drama of walking down the aisle with your dad or any of the other things.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    Wedding: bride, groom, officiant, license, legal witnesses.

    You only get one. 

    Why do you want this job?  Your marital status is no one's business except your own.  Public schools are not allowed do this.  They are on shaky legal ground.

    You could plan a simple traditional church wedding in a short time if that is your choice.  An afternoon ceremony with a cake and punch reception is easy to plan, IF that is what you want.  It doesn't have to be courthouse ceremony.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • doeydodoeydo member
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    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1  
    image
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    The headmaster is a dick. Seriously. You and your FI have kids together, but it's a sin to live together cause you're not married. I'm surprised this school lets you volunteer being an unmarried mother. I guess it would be "supporting sin" or some such bullshit if you were paid by them. 

    Anyway. I would recommend moving up your wedding and planning a simpler affair, do your legal and spiritual stuff all at once. Mainly, because it would be dishonest to legally marry for dickbag headmasterbater, and not consider yourselves "married". Though a part of me does like the bit of douchebaggery subversion. 


    If you do for some reason decide to courthouse and then hold a "wedding" later. Tell people. It's rude to lie to friends and family about your marital status.
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    I personally wouldn't want a guy like that as my boss (the headmaster). He sounds controlling and judgy. I would plan the wedding that YOU want for when you want it. If the only reason to have the wedding sooner is to appease this jerk, them forget it.
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  • QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
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    You have to make a grown up decision. You get one wedding. If you want the job that much, get married now and cancel the wedding next year.

    image

    Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:

    http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/

    http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html

    http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Is the headmaster making this rule or enforcing an established one?   Many parochial schools have morality clauses and they require their staff to adhere to them.    That's really not all that surprising depending on the faith.    

    OP,you need to figure out what's more important but if you're going to stand up and be a role model for your children and others, why do you think it's acceptable to lie?? 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you get married now for the job, that's your wedding.  Make an adult choice: do you want the job, or do you want the big fancy wedding?  Unfortunately you are in a position where you may have one or the other.

    I can tell by the tone of your post that you realize something is "off" about getting married now and re-enacting the wedding later.  Go with that gut feeling here.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Unfortunately you can't have both - the job and then a big fancy wedding next year. What matters more to you? Personally, I would never get married just so that I could have a job. But, I'm also very against Christianity. That's what's 9 years of Catholic school did to me. 
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  • atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
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    As an aside, I wouldn't want to work for a place that wants to dictate things like that.  I like to have personal autonomy and privacy to make decisions about my life, relationships, reproductive rights, etc.  
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  • iloveotters2014iloveotters2014 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    novella1186 said:
    My cousin and his now wife were both in the army. They started planning their big fancy wedding and then found out that they were both being sent to different areas of the country to work. If you're married you get sent to the same city; if you're not married you get sent wherever, doesn't matter if you're engaged. So they ran off to Vegas and got married super fast. Less than a year later, we all went to the big fancy wedding they had been planning. The thing in Vegas was just to make it legal out of necessity. The fact that they wanted to stay together shouldn't mean the poor girl doesn't get her dream wedding. So although I am clearly against the majority here, I see nothing wrong with making it legal out of necessity and then celebrating later. My entire family and all their friends knew they were already really married and we were extremely happy for them, supported their decisions, and were more than happy to be included in the celebration later. Do what you gotta do. The people who love you will support you.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I'm sorry there is something off about being engaged for 4 years but then having to have a quick wedding.      You waited all this time, yet some judgmental headmaster is the reason you want to make it legal.  And in order to appease the judgmental headmaster you want lie to your family/friends in order to have a big "real" wedding.


    There is a whole lot of eye rolling going in my house right now.

    It hard for me answer the question.   On one hand I would not give in to the headmaster.   On the other hand I really needed the job and we were going to get married anyway  I would plan a quick ceremony for next month and call it a day.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • steph861steph861 member
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    Will the headmaster actually make you show him the marriage certificate? Not that I'm advocating that you lie, or anything. I'm just curious about how he plans to police this.
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  • mrsmagicgeekmrsmagicgeek member
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    I'm also thinking they won't be thrilled with OP having a "real" wedding in a year.
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
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    Our kids go to Catholic school we aren't married we've been together almost as long as you so I get that part.
    What I think is a terrible idea is getting married to be CONSIDERED for a job. That does NOT mean you get the job it means you will be one of a bunch of people interviewing for a job and you have to make a MAJOR life event happen for a consideration. It sounds like a terrible idea. How terrible will it feel if you get married by a JOP only to not get the job? I think you should think about that before making huge life decisions for a job you don't even have a guarantee of obtaining.
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  • simplyelisesimplyelise member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    When you are intending to work at a place of faith, it is important that your values line up with that place. Otherwise the school/church will be sending mixed messages on what their values are. I think it would be judgmental of the headmaster only if they rejected your children from attending because of your non-married status. Having this standard for employees is completely within their rights as a religious organization. YOU might want to consider if your values actually DO line up with the school as a religious employer, because it seems like you might not buy in to that. I've worked at a church before and it can be very difficult if you have a conflict with the way business is done yet you have to present yourself as harmonious. 

    I personally don't understand big weddings when you've been together so long and you've been engaged 4 years and you have 2 children. Of course you're entitled to a wedding, but since this is the internet and I can say what I want, I think it's ridiculous to spend significant money on yourselves for a wedding at this point. So I'd go all in for a small family wedding and if you want to do it to be considered for this job, do it asap. 

    But yeah, having two "weddings" would be ridiculous. I'm a lot less likely to side eye a military bride for a "second wedding" than I am to side eye someone who has already gotten legally married and has kids with someone. It would be very hard for me not to judge someone for spending $5000 on a fake wedding when they admit to having a tight normal budget and that money could be used far better for things for the children.

    SUPER JUDGE-Y, I know I know. 
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  • darkphoenixvdarkphoenixv member
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    You've gotta do what you've gotta do. My husband and I got married a lot sooner than our wedding ceremony because of his immigration status (his mom was sponsoring him originally but it was going to take ELEVEN YEARS and he had a great job offer. We got married last July and he had his PR within three months). If getting married means you'll be able to take this position, then go for it. Plus, it'll make it a bit easier to pay for your ceremony. It's no one else's business, so do what's best for your family and yourself.
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  • KahlylaKahlyla member
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    darkphoenixv said:
    My husband and I got married a lot sooner than our wedding ceremony...
    This is not a thing.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    darkphoenixv said:
    You've gotta do what you've gotta do. My husband and I got married a lot sooner than our wedding ceremony
    I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but whatever you're calling your "wedding" ceremony was not a wedding ceremony. People go into a wedding ceremony unWED and they leave WED. That didn't happen at this event for you. You went in a wife and you left a wife. 
    *********************************************************************************

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  • doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    darkphoenixv said:
    You've gotta do what you've gotta do. My husband and I got married a lot sooner than our wedding ceremony because of his immigration status (his mom was sponsoring him originally but it was going to take ELEVEN YEARS and he had a great job offer. We got married last July and he had his PR within three months). If getting married means you'll be able to take this position, then go for it. Plus, it'll make it a bit easier to pay for your ceremony. It's no one else's business, so do what's best for your family and yourself.
    Please, explain the bolded to me.  Not even the 10th Doctor can make sense of this.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    darkphoenixv said:
    We got married in a civil ceremony, and our public church wedding with all of our family and friends is going to be this December.  It was simply the way the circumstances played out, and everyone in our family/circle of friends understands why we're doing it this way.  Neither of us wanted to give up our wedding, but in order for my husband to have his PR and be gainfully employed we got married earlier so I could sponsor him.

    MAN, I didn't know I was going to ruffle so many feathers with this.  There's some cranky old biddies with their corsets laced too tight on here! 

    It's not to downplay our civil ceremony as "not the real thing".  It was meaningful and lovely.  However, my husband's family is Catholic and it's important to them (and us) that we are married in the church, and this is what's happening in December.  Oh, and it's technically a "convalidation ceremony".  Everybody knows we're already civilly married, including the freakin' Archdiocese, so all the people currently clutching their pearls in horror can relax now.

    That being said, I wasn't aware that the purpose of the message boards on this website was to trash all the other people that are posting on here.  Had I known, I would never have gotten involved with the boards.  I thought the boards were here for women to come with their problems and successes and be able to talk about it without having the Etiquette Patrol look down their noses at you with disdain.  Ohh! Are we going to start hunting down all the unchaste, non-virgin brides too?  Whee! 

    I'm so glad I know that the largesse of the people here are puckered at both ends.  Really, it's great to be judged about the fact that I wasn't planning to have my civil ceremony when I did.  It's great to know that everyone else here can afford to have a wedding on very short notice.  Did it occur to anyone to consider that maybe the immigration laws in this country need a MASSIVE overhaul, so that it won't take eleven years (or longer) for someone to get the right to work in this country.  Nope, let's just be rude and split hairs because there's apparently nothing better to do.

    As I said, OP, it's no one else's business but yours.  I hope you and your family are able to do what's best for yourselves.
    I started to respond to this, and then realized that if people can't be bothered to read up on the responses against PPDs I lack the energy to have the argument fifty more times. But ... @darkphoenixv the reasons that upset people and cause them to severely look down on PPDs actually more or less excludes you from that anger. You're not pretending it's a wedding. You're not lying to your family and friends about it. Sure, if you do 'first dance' and 'cake cutting' and all of those wedding traditions at your covalidation reception (if you have one) I'd side-eye you a bit. But that's more me personally. You're not lying to your guests and you're not hiding the fact that you're married. THOSE are the actions that folks on this board really look down on.

    Now if you'll excuse me, the corset and pearls shop are having a sale. :)

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    darkphoenixv said:
    We got married in a civil ceremony, and our public church wedding with all of our family and friends is going to be this December.  It was simply the way the circumstances played out, and everyone in our family/circle of friends understands why we're doing it this way.  Neither of us wanted to give up our wedding, but in order for my husband to have his PR and be gainfully employed we got married earlier so I could sponsor him.

    MAN, I didn't know I was going to ruffle so many feathers with this.  There's some cranky old biddies with their corsets laced too tight on here! 

    It's not to downplay our civil ceremony as "not the real thing".  It was meaningful and lovely.  However, my husband's family is Catholic and it's important to them (and us) that we are married in the church, and this is what's happening in December.  Oh, and it's technically a "convalidation ceremony".  Everybody knows we're already civilly married, including the freakin' Archdiocese, so all the people currently clutching their pearls in horror can relax now.

    That being said, I wasn't aware that the purpose of the message boards on this website was to trash all the other people that are posting on here.  Had I known, I would never have gotten involved with the boards.  I thought the boards were here for women to come with their problems and successes and be able to talk about it without having the Etiquette Patrol look down their noses at you with disdain.  Ohh! Are we going to start hunting down all the unchaste, non-virgin brides too?  Whee! 

    I'm so glad I know that the largesse of the people here are puckered at both ends.  Really, it's great to be judged about the fact that I wasn't planning to have my civil ceremony when I did.  It's great to know that everyone else here can afford to have a wedding on very short notice.  Did it occur to anyone to consider that maybe the immigration laws in this country need a MASSIVE overhaul, so that it won't take eleven years (or longer) for someone to get the right to work in this country.  Nope, let's just be rude and split hairs because there's apparently nothing better to do.

    As I said, OP, it's no one else's business but yours.  I hope you and your family are able to do what's best for yourselves.
    You do realize that the church looks down on huge wedding-like convalidation ceremonies right? These ceremonies are about your marriage being recognized by God and the church, not to have the big wedding dress, bridal party and all the other bells and whistles that go along with 'traditional' weddings because it is NOT A WEDDING. These ceremonies should be small and include immediate family and very, very close friends, you and your H in your Sunday best and maybe a nice brunch or lunch afterwards.

    What people have issues with is a wife and husband playing dress up for a day and reenacting something because they didn't get to do it the first time around.  Well guess what?  You are an adult and you made a decision to forgo the traditional wedding so that your H could stay with you and get a good job.  The decision to do that is perfectly fine but you need to own your decision and stop trying to play the part of bride because you already did that.

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  • Knottie56374471Knottie56374471 member
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    darkphoenixv said:

    I'm so glad I know that the largesse of the people here are puckered at both ends. 
    I almost choked on my coffee.  That was funny.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment

    darkphoenixv said:
    We got married in a civil ceremony, and our public church wedding with all of our family and friends is going to be this December.  It was simply the way the circumstances played out, and everyone in our family/circle of friends understands why we're doing it this way.  Neither of us wanted to give up our wedding, but in order for my husband to have his PR and be gainfully employed we got married earlier so I could sponsor him.

    MAN, I didn't know I was going to ruffle so many feathers with this.  There's some cranky old biddies with their corsets laced too tight on here! 

    It's not to downplay our civil ceremony as "not the real thing".  It was meaningful and lovely.  However, my husband's family is Catholic and it's important to them (and us) that we are married in the church, and this is what's happening in December.  Oh, and it's technically a "convalidation ceremony".  Everybody knows we're already civilly married, including the freakin' Archdiocese, so all the people currently clutching their pearls in horror can relax now.

    That being said, I wasn't aware that the purpose of the message boards on this website was to trash all the other people that are posting on here.  Had I known, I would never have gotten involved with the boards.  I thought the boards were here for women to come with their problems and successes and be able to talk about it without having the Etiquette Patrol look down their noses at you with disdain.  Ohh! Are we going to start hunting down all the unchaste, non-virgin brides too?  Whee! 

    I'm so glad I know that the largesse of the people here are puckered at both ends.  Really, it's great to be judged about the fact that I wasn't planning to have my civil ceremony when I did.  It's great to know that everyone else here can afford to have a wedding on very short notice.  Did it occur to anyone to consider that maybe the immigration laws in this country need a MASSIVE overhaul, so that it won't take eleven years (or longer) for someone to get the right to work in this country.  Nope, let's just be rude and split hairs because there's apparently nothing better to do.

    As I said, OP, it's no one else's business but yours.  I hope you and your family are able to do what's best for yourselves.
    Honestly, I loved this reply. I posted a similar issue to the boards a couple of weeks ago and got slammed by some judgmental morons. I'm glad you're doing it your way and owning it even if it may not be what you originally planned.
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