Well that's the thing though. I'm not actually bothered, not personally. Even knowing that Paypal gets a cut and that the couple just gets cash, I don't have a personal problem with giving to honeyfunds.
The difference is that I know that some people DO have a problem with it, and I don't want to offend those people. FI thinks that my fear of being judged isn't worth giving up thousands of dollars. I think it is. So yeah, it's not so much that I personally am bothered, just that I don't want other people to be.
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Does he understand that if you don't do honeyfund, people will give you other presents? If you register at a store, it'll be gifts from that store. If you don't register at a store, they just give you money.
Where does he come up with this asinine argument that you'll be "giving up thousands of dollars"? I'm not trying to judge him because I don't know him, but I'm going out on a limb here and guessing he hasn't given too many weddings gifts. When there's no registry, you just give cash. That's how it usually works....
Yes. It's not like the people who would have given to the honeyfund are now not going to give a gift.
I think he's worried that if there aren't enough registry items and the physical item registry runs out (which is somewhat likely), people will buy off-registry physical items we don't need. I didn't know until recently that it's ok to give cash as a wedding gift. We went to a wedding last fall where there wasn't a registry. We didn't know that meant to bring cash, so instead we gifted them a nice bottle of scotch, the groom's favorite. In that case, I'm sure it was well-received (and by the looks of the gift table, 5 other people had the scotch idea!), but I assumed that giving cash was gauche until I got engaged and started reading the Knot boards.
When DH and I got married, we had to make compromises. I love red velvet cake, he didn't. He wanted to have the Chicken Dance, I didn't. We made compromises on these because neither one of these were rude to our guests.
It makes no sense, either. You spend money to get money. WHY? People know that money is an acceptable wedding gift. Look -
And look at this screen.
Your guests are CHARGED if they want to give you $$ via a credit card. The free option is cash / check. Well DUH. Who needs a website with tons of ads to tell your guests that they can bring a $100 bill in a nice card to your wedding?
Seriously.
Also - because FI and FMIL tried to talk me into this, as well, and it drove me cray - think about if you registered at, say, BB&B...
Ok, great you pick out your lovely registry items and have them sit on your registry to await your guests to kindly select them and send them to you. Only, oh no! BB&B has decided they are going to keep 6% of those gifts and put them back on the shelf. Oh no! The website were you put in your bank account information was hacked and now the credit card info for you and all of your guests is at risk just days before your wedding, how sad. This site sure was worth it, though, with all its conveniences. Because people can't figure out how to give presents or write checks anymore.
Do you get it? The gifts in this analogy are the money in the Honeyfund.
/sarcasm
Obviously, I do not have proof that these websites can be hacked, but if I were a hacker, that's where I would go to do my thang. People are going to give you money, don't make them do it by going to some rando website.
Since when do Honeyfunds bring in thousands of dollars?? He might end up disappointed.
Also, if your FI is that money-hungry for thousands of dollars, he should get a second job or a higher paying one. I know how much of an asshole I sound like when I say that, but seriously--being a grown adult and hoping that other grown adults will contribute THAT much money to your life and to your vacation is INSANELY immature!!! The only way not to give up a chance at thousands of dollars is to bust your ass until you find an exceptionally-paying career.
Well that's the thing though. I'm not actually bothered, not personally. Even knowing that Paypal gets a cut and that the couple just gets cash, I don't have a personal problem with giving to honeyfunds.
The difference is that I know that some people DO have a problem with it, and I don't want to offend those people. FI thinks that my fear of being judged isn't worth giving up thousands of dollars. I think it is. So yeah, it's not so much that I personally am bothered, just that I don't want other people to be.
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Does he understand that if you don't do honeyfund, people will give you other presents? If you register at a store, it'll be gifts from that store. If you don't register at a store, they just give you money.
Where does he come up with this asinine argument that you'll be "giving up thousands of dollars"? I'm not trying to judge him because I don't know him, but I'm going out on a limb here and guessing he hasn't given too many weddings gifts. When there's no registry, you just give cash. That's how it usually works....
Yes. It's not like the people who would have given to the honeyfund are now not going to give a gift.
I think he's worried that if there aren't enough registry items and the physical item registry runs out (which is somewhat likely), people will buy off-registry physical items we don't need. I didn't know until recently that it's ok to give cash as a wedding gift. We went to a wedding last fall where there wasn't a registry. We didn't know that meant to bring cash, so instead we gifted them a nice bottle of scotch, the groom's favorite. In that case, I'm sure it was well-received (and by the looks of the gift table, 5 other people had the scotch idea!), but I assumed that giving cash was gauche until I got engaged and started reading the Knot boards.
Your FI needs to learn to be grateful for whatever you are gifted at the wedding. And he shouldn't try to control what he is given by having some tacky ass cash registry. Gifts are never required so to receive anything should be accepted with the greatest appreciation.
Your FI needs to learn to be grateful for whatever you are gifted at the wedding. And he shouldn't try to control what he is given by having some tacky ass cash registry. Gifts are never required so to receive anything should be accepted with the greatest appreciation.
Seriously, OP. I think your FI needs to read this thread. He is coming off as a very selfish individual. If people from all over the country (and world possibly) are all telling you the same things not only about the honeyfund, but also about how he is treating you, then it may be time to listen. His behavior is not ok and I can't help but wonder the sames things that @AddieCake brought up about the other things that will come up that he may just "stomp his foot and get his way on".
His argument was that our friends wouldn't think it was rude (on the evidence that they said so before we were engaged and considering it), and that we'd be giving up thousands of dollars by not doing it. Getting your way in the end constitutes "winning," I'd say.
Well, this isn't true because you are not entitled to thousands of dollars from your guests. People give not because they are compelled to, but because they love you and want to celebrate your union. Therefore, you are not giving up anything by not having a honeyfund.
OP sorry to be harsh but your fiance's attitude reeks of entitlement. A honeymoon fund is not guaranteed money by any means. No one is obligated to give you a wedding gift, and being tacky and asking for cash, especially for a honeymoon - which is a non-necessity - is actually going to make people less generous. I would have never dreamed of a honeymoon fund, but if I had one I would have given up several thousandS of dollars in fees. My guests were beyond generous without any direction. Most importantly I didn't offend anyone and my dignity and relationships are still intact after eight years. Win win for me!
Why don't you try asking him how he would feel if he got a 7% decrease in his salary because the company wanted to use a cute little new payroll website instead of writing him a check? I bet you money his response would be "I would rather have the check and keep the 7%". His view may change when he can think about it in terms of his own money and not someone else's. Because anyone who pays money to collect money when they don't have to is bad with money.
ETA - you and your fiancé are a social unit and will be judged as one, not separately. Especially on your wedding day. So trying to justify to the people who will be offended (because believe me they are out there and on your guest list) the excuse of "well it made me uncomfortable but HE insisted on it" isn't going to put you in a good light. Be prepared for that throughout the course of your marriage, for the good and the bad things.
Also, can we go back to his missing out on thousands of dollar argument?
In no world does a honeyfund make people's wallets spew money. People have a budget and are going to gift something in that range. No type of registry is going to make people suddenly spend more money than they were originally planning.
This. People are stuck in their ways, they either give cash, or they don't. A honeymoon registry isn't going to change that.
We had a normal registry, and, outside of the shower, like 5 people total bought gifts off of it for the wedding. Everyone else gave us cash or a check. More than 85% of wedding guests I would say. Not to be crass, but we got so much money. And a honeyfund wouldn't have changed it.
That being said, I do get where you're coming from with your feeling that this isn't a hill worth dying over. After spending time here, I realized I didn't want to do a cash bar, but it's not something that had ever bothered me personally. It wasn't easy to convince my now husband that we should host beer and wine, and it's not something I would have thrown a fit about if he didn't want to do that. But that's also not quite the same - that was adding a couple grand to our budget, this won't change your gifts.
And when my MIL basically completed our registry, people didn't start buying us stuff off-registry, they just wrote a check. Though they probably would have done that anyway.
People do honeyfunds because they think they have to register and they don't need "stuff." But you don't have to register at all. People get the hint when there's no registry or a very small registry.
But if he's that adamant about it, I would let him set it up, but I wouldn't put it on the website (that's probably linked to your Knot account anyway) and I wouldn't tell *anyone* about it.
My one friend with the honeyfund (for which I was allowed to print a certificate and bring a check) asked for basically four levels of stuff: a) $25 for a night out on the town, b) $100 for whatever, c) $500 for whatever.
Now then, when it comes to me and weddings, I normally give a total wedding present value of $100. If I'm not invited to a shower, I give a $100 check at the wedding. If I am, I get something off the registry for the shower, subtract the cost from my $100 budget and give the rest in a check at the wedding.
Point: being asked to contribute in increments of $100 or $500 will not compel me to gift $100 or $500. In this case, I gave her the $25 night on the town certificate at her shower, and $75 at her wedding.
Your FI is not missing out on thousands of dollars. Whatever your guests' budgets for gifts is, is what you'll get, period, end of story.
I think you should bring up the fees to him and if that doesn't work sit him down and explain exactly what your feelings are on the subject. If he still insists on doing this then you need to have a serious talk about him disregarding your feelings.
I never understand why people with Honeyfunds think the fee is no big deal. Those fees add up fast! I would definitely side-eye someone that is okay with a part of my gift going to a website, and I would be less likely to give a cash gift because A) the couple is clearly better off financially than DH and I if they can afford to lose 7% of the gift and it suggests the couple doesn't understand money management.
We had a small registry. Almost nothing was purchased off it. 95% of our guests gave cash and we were surprised by the generosity of our guests. If we had used honey fund we would have lost over $1000 in fees.
When you mention the fees to your FI, I would look at a bigger picture than just losing $7 from a $100 gift. $7 might not seem like a big deal to him, but when you look at the final total (number of couples x average gift), the amount of money you lose is going to be a lot.
Edit - TK omnom'd my paragraphs
Yeah... I consider myself a decent human being... but when I'm presented with a Honeymoon registry or someone blatantly asking for cash (even if there's a cute little poem!), it annoys me and makes me really want to give less than I normally would otherwise. If you're inviting anyone as petty as I am to the wedding, you might end up with even LESS money than normal.
My husband and I almost always give cash unless there's something really interesting on the registry that we'd like to give. I assume a lot of people are this way. And a lot of people know to give cash when there is no registry. Or they think to ask the couple what they want. My cousin had no registry so I said to her, "Are you planning on registering, or are you perhaps saving for something in particular?" and she said, "we do want to build a house..." She never registered for money... yet she got money. It worked beautifully. The average person doesn't say "Wow, there's nothing left on their registry. So I'll get them this non-returnable, engraved, antique paperweight!" Most people will give cash, ask you what you want, or think of a thoughtful gift that you will enjoy (like you did with the scotch). Ask your FI why he thinks your friends and family are too dumb to figure this out.
Also, in addition to the fees... go back to the "well my friends think it's ok," thing... are you ONLY inviting these friends? Or are you inviting other friends and family that you haven't polled? Not too stereotype too badly, but it might be some of these older family members that will fall into one of two camps:
1. They think HM registries is begging for cash and they WILL be offended 2. They will love the registry because they will think they really are giving you a couple's massage... a moonlit dinner... etc. They have no idea that the company cuts you a check for you to do with as you please. The HM fund actively deceives these people. Is he really ok with deceiving his guests; lying to the people he loves for money? And when the guest follows up and asks FI how excursion was that they paid for that you ended up not going on... what is he prepared to say to them? Lie to them yet again and say he went? Awkwardly let them know you didn't go on it and disappoint them?
1. Recently, there was a post here from someone who had a honeyfund and in hindsight regretted it. They wanted to make sure they did all of the experiences that people were allegedly buying them and it left them with less time to actually enjoy the experience. People get duped into thinking they are really buying you that dinner on the beach or that horseback riding expedition. Do you really want to be the @rse that tells them when they ask "Oh...we just pocketed the cash and didn't do any of that stuff"???
2. In addition to all of the very on point mentions about there being red flags on the communication issue and just putting his foot down without compromise, another red flag for me is marrying someone who doesn't have a sense of fiscal responsibility. I can't imagine binding my life with someone who can't manage finances and wastes money. Tackiness aside, he's totally cool with basically just flushing 5-8% of the money given down the toilet? Is he really that bad with money that he can't recognize what a horrible idea that is? Has he not actually researched any of these honeyfunds?
I'll do you a favor - let your friends and family bring you cash and then just hand me a hundred dollar bill and a lighter and I'll just light it on fire for you - because that's basically what you're doing with a honeyfund and it'll be just like he got the honeyfund all along.
From a guest's perspective - My husband and I nearly always give cold, hard cash for wedding gifts, in a card which we put in the card box on the gift table. We know that everyone can use $$ and like the idea that the couple can buy something they really want or save it toward a big ticket item, like a honeymoon or furniture. However, we don't like it when couples ask for money, even in a cutesy way. In that case, I would most likely purchase a boxed gift, probably something monogrammed that you can't return.
From your Fis perspective - Honeyfund and other cash registries aren't collecting money from your guests for nothing. There's a processing fee. And do you have the $$ to pay for your own honeymoon, in the event that your Honeyfund doesn't raise enough money. Your guests that have contributed will want to know if you enjoyed that couple's massage or hot air balloon ride.
FWIW, I'm not defending honeyfunds, but all this talk of 5-8% fees isn't true, at least not of Honeyfund itself. There is no fee for people who give cash or check, and the Paypal transaction fee is 2.8% plus 30 cents. It's not free, no, but not as expensive as we're making it out to be here. If someone gave a $100 gift via Paypal, the fee would be $3.10. Not $7. I know that's not entirely the point, but it's something.
Yeah, because you enter the amount and you get a pop up that says "please send your check to xyz." Why not just skip the middleman where you risk offending someone ?
FWIW, I'm not defending honeyfunds, but all this talk of 5-8% fees isn't true, at least not of Honeyfund itself. There is no fee for people who give cash or check, and the Paypal transaction fee is 2.8% plus 30 cents. It's not free, no, but not as expensive as we're making it out to be here. If someone gave a $100 gift via Paypal, the fee would be $3.10. Not $7. I know that's not entirely the point, but it's something.
I'd rather spend $3 on a Margarita at happy hour, but maybe I'm just crazy.
And why in God's name do you need a website to tell your guests that they can give you cash or a check?????
Look, I'm really sorry I posted that comment. I've already deleted it. I tend to get hyper-logical when it comes to controversial/sensitive topics because to me it feels like the best way to keep a potentially volatile topic from turning into emotionally-charged drama. I was wrong. I deleted it. I'm sorry.
I also didn't say that the fees aren't that bad. I said they aren't as bad as people were saying. "Not that bad" is a subjective assessment of whether or not something's a reasonable amount to pay. "Lower than ____" is an objective statement dealing with numbers only and no judgement calls. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression. People here have been questioning my whole relationship and saying I shouldn't marry someone who'd be so fiscally irresponsible, giving up 7% of his gifts. I just pointed out (and then promptly deleted) that he'd actually only be giving up 3% of his gifts. The judgement call part--where you decide whether or not I should marry him--comes from whether you, personally, find 3% to be "not that bad." I did not give my opinion on whether or not it's "that bad."
Look, I'm really sorry I posted that comment. I've already deleted it. I tend to get hyper-logical when it comes to controversial/sensitive topics because to me it feels like the best way to keep a potentially volatile topic from turning into emotionally-charged drama. I was wrong. I deleted it. I'm sorry.
I also didn't say that the fees aren't that bad. I said they aren't as bad as people were saying. "Not that bad" is a subjective assessment of whether or not something's a reasonable amount to pay. "Lower than ____" is an objective statement dealing with numbers only and no judgement calls. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression. People here have been questioning my whole relationship and saying I shouldn't marry someone who'd be so fiscally irresponsible, giving up 7% of his gifts. I just pointed out (and then promptly deleted) that he'd actually only be giving up 3% of his gifts. The judgement call part--where you decide whether or not I should marry him--comes from whether you, personally, find 3% to be "not that bad." I did not give my opinion on whether or not it's "that bad."
Fyi, it's not cool to delete a post, especially after you've been quoted.
I also didn't say that the fees aren't that bad. I said they aren't as bad as people were saying.
That's not the point. What we are all trying to tell you that in this case ANY fee, whether it is 7% or 3% or 1% it is UNNECESSARY and why take the risk offending your guests while losing money in the process, especially If you don't have to? It makes NO sense to me. As I said in my previous response I saved thousands taking the checks to the bank myself.
Do you want $93 or $100?
Do you want $9300 or $10,000?
Do you want $93,000 or $100,000?
It adds up after while. If there is an easy way to avoid fees why not do it? Just because you can set up a contrived website all about you and your desires for a scuba trip and a beach dinner? Does your fiancé really think people will be MORE generous because of this?
Look, I hate fees but sometimes they are necessary. My daughter's college fund charges a 5.5% fee with every transaction and a little part of me dies every time I do it. But it is necessary because the only way they waive it is if EACH deposit is over $1,000,000. Yeah, not going to happen so I swallow my frustration and deal with it, knowing I will get much more than 5% back when I withdraw it in 20 years. That's a small cost to invest.
Honeymoon funds, on the other hand, are the polar opposite of an investment. Don't get me wrong they are fun, but most couples that have a honeymoon fund typically plan something way outside their budget. I may get flamed for saying this, but every couple I have personally known who had a honeymoon fund planned a trip they couldn't afford also had other gross etiquette violations at their weddings (cash bar, dollar dance, etc). It's no coincidence that people who have no problem asking for money are generally bad with money.
Just something to think about when you are asking your guests to fund an unnecessary trip for you. Are you really above planning and financing a trip you can afford on your own?
Are you really above planning and financing a trip you can afford on your own?
Of course not. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. We can afford our honeymoon, I think he just thinks it would be nice if it were free.
Wow, just wow. I think it would be nice if my $90,000 car were free but it's not. So I make the payment every month knowing this is the responsibility I signed up for, and ask not a single soul for help because I am a non entitled grown adult. You have a lot deeper issues with this man than this board can help with. Best of luck to you.
Re: Fiancé dead set on a Honeyfund
For real.
Seriously, OP. I think your FI needs to read this thread. He is coming off as a very selfish individual. If people from all over the country (and world possibly) are all telling you the same things not only about the honeyfund, but also about how he is treating you, then it may be time to listen. His behavior is not ok and I can't help but wonder the sames things that @AddieCake brought up about the other things that will come up that he may just "stomp his foot and get his way on".
ETF: Spelling
We had a normal registry, and, outside of the shower, like 5 people total bought gifts off of it for the wedding. Everyone else gave us cash or a check. More than 85% of wedding guests I would say. Not to be crass, but we got so much money. And a honeyfund wouldn't have changed it.
That being said, I do get where you're coming from with your feeling that this isn't a hill worth dying over. After spending time here, I realized I didn't want to do a cash bar, but it's not something that had ever bothered me personally. It wasn't easy to convince my now husband that we should host beer and wine, and it's not something I would have thrown a fit about if he didn't want to do that. But that's also not quite the same - that was adding a couple grand to our budget, this won't change your gifts.
And when my MIL basically completed our registry, people didn't start buying us stuff off-registry, they just wrote a check. Though they probably would have done that anyway.
People do honeyfunds because they think they have to register and they don't need "stuff." But you don't have to register at all. People get the hint when there's no registry or a very small registry.
But if he's that adamant about it, I would let him set it up, but I wouldn't put it on the website (that's probably linked to your Knot account anyway) and I wouldn't tell *anyone* about it.
If you're inviting anyone as petty as I am to the wedding, you might end up with even LESS money than normal.
My husband and I almost always give cash unless there's something really interesting on the registry that we'd like to give. I assume a lot of people are this way. And a lot of people know to give cash when there is no registry. Or they think to ask the couple what they want.
My cousin had no registry so I said to her, "Are you planning on registering, or are you perhaps saving for something in particular?" and she said, "we do want to build a house..." She never registered for money... yet she got money. It worked beautifully.
The average person doesn't say "Wow, there's nothing left on their registry. So I'll get them this non-returnable, engraved, antique paperweight!" Most people will give cash, ask you what you want, or think of a thoughtful gift that you will enjoy (like you did with the scotch).
Ask your FI why he thinks your friends and family are too dumb to figure this out.
Also, in addition to the fees... go back to the "well my friends think it's ok," thing... are you ONLY inviting these friends? Or are you inviting other friends and family that you haven't polled? Not too stereotype too badly, but it might be some of these older family members that will fall into one of two camps:
1. They think HM registries is begging for cash and they WILL be offended
2. They will love the registry because they will think they really are giving you a couple's massage... a moonlit dinner... etc. They have no idea that the company cuts you a check for you to do with as you please. The HM fund actively deceives these people. Is he really ok with deceiving his guests; lying to the people he loves for money? And when the guest follows up and asks FI how excursion was that they paid for that you ended up not going on... what is he prepared to say to them? Lie to them yet again and say he went? Awkwardly let them know you didn't go on it and disappoint them?
2. In addition to all of the very on point mentions about there being red flags on the communication issue and just putting his foot down without compromise, another red flag for me is marrying someone who doesn't have a sense of fiscal responsibility. I can't imagine binding my life with someone who can't manage finances and wastes money. Tackiness aside, he's totally cool with basically just flushing 5-8% of the money given down the toilet? Is he really that bad with money that he can't recognize what a horrible idea that is? Has he not actually researched any of these honeyfunds?
I'll do you a favor - let your friends and family bring you cash and then just hand me a hundred dollar bill and a lighter and I'll just light it on fire for you - because that's basically what you're doing with a honeyfund and it'll be just like he got the honeyfund all along.
From a guest's perspective - My husband and I nearly always give cold, hard cash for wedding gifts, in a card which we put in the card box on the gift table. We know that everyone can use $$ and like the idea that the couple can buy something they really want or save it toward a big ticket item, like a honeymoon or furniture. However, we don't like it when couples ask for money, even in a cutesy way. In that case, I would most likely purchase a boxed gift, probably something monogrammed that you can't return.
From your Fis perspective - Honeyfund and other cash registries aren't collecting money from your guests for nothing. There's a processing fee. And do you have the $$ to pay for your own honeymoon, in the event that your Honeyfund doesn't raise enough money. Your guests that have contributed will want to know if you enjoyed that couple's massage or hot air balloon ride.
And why in God's name do you need a website to tell your guests that they can give you cash or a check?????