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I want my ex to ditch my name

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence, My ex-wife and I divorced about three years ago. Since the divorce, she has kept my last name. That has annoyed me since we originally agreed that she’d take back her maiden name. Now she’s pregnant by her new boyfriend. There aren’t any young children of this generation in my family, and I’m worried that she’s going to pass on my family name to her child. I’d want her to change her name back to her maiden name, so how do I approach this conversation? Or is this a petty request? —Surly Surnames
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Re: I want my ex to ditch my name

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    dude should change his last name to her maiden name.
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    DH and I have the same problem with ex-wife #1.  She was court ordered to change her name and never did.  Now ex-wife #2 has in the divorce papers that she does not have to change her last name once the divorce is final.  He wants me to take his last name but I don't want to have the same name as all the others.  I am not them and am nothing like them.  It feels creepy to me to share the same last name with them but I am doing it to keep the peace with him.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    You realize you probably share last name with other people right now?  That's seems somewhat silly to be worried about.
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    My issue isn't sharing the name with people in general.  It is sharing it with his ex-wives.  Females he is not married to anymore.  He doesn't want them to have his name either but there is nothing we can do about it.
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Does your DH have children with either of these 2 X's?
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    Yes, one that we know is his with #1 and one that is alleged to be his. Two alleged to be his with #2. We also have 2 together.
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    If I had children I would keep X's name too, much easier with school and things. My mom kept my dad's until I was about 9, when she remarried. If my H had an X and kids, I would not mind. I would think it was a little wierd if they didn't have kids and she kept it, but still wouldn't be that big of a deal, she's in the past.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    If there's kids, you kind of have to let it go. Lots and lots of kids .....

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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    tawillers said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    Yes, one that we know is his with #1 and one that is alleged to be his. Two alleged to be his with #2. We also have 2 together.
    What in the ever loving what?  He doesn't know if THREE kids are his or not?  Why doesn't he know?  Don't YOU want to know? ETA: I guess you don't really care. You already had two with him.

    The wives said they were his and he chose to give them the benefit of the doubt.
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
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    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    or date before going around and seeding the world with children.
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    6fsn said:
    I'm sorry I didn't open this earlier. Wtf at not knowing or caring three THREE kids are actually his THEN going on to having two more. Dude needs to zip it and maybe date before marrying.
    He cares.  He just loves them and is afraid that they are not his kids.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    edited August 2014
    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!

    SITB:  I would love to call MUD on all this, but sadly, I'll bet it's real.  This would make an excellent series on some third-tier cable channel.

    ETA:  @mrs.conn23, this is way better than the original Prudie letter!
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!
    No, he and the wife were separated but living together for the kids and expenses.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    jonathonsbride said:
    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!
    No, he and the wife were separated but living together for the kids and expenses.
    That doesn't explain how he could have doubts about the child's parentage. Either he was sleeping with her and the child is possibly his, or he wasn't sleeping with her and the child is absolutely not his.

    Living in the same house doesn't mean she could have picked up his semen off the toilet seat or something. He had to do the nasty with her in order for there even to be a question.

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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    jonathonsbride said:
    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!
    No, he and the wife were separated but living together for the kids and expenses.
    But if he thinks there's a chance the kid is his, that means he slept with her around the same time she was sexing new bf.  And if that kid was conceived during the weird Three's Company situation, then she was having sex with both guys while they were all living together.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    You can care without being listed on the birth certificate. The fathers have a right to know and a responsibility to pay if these are his kids. I'm also kinda stuck on how this happens. If a dude told me he had two exec and one to four kids there wouldn't be a second date.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    6fsn said:
    You can care without being listed on the birth certificate. The fathers have a right to know and a responsibility to pay if these are his kids. I'm also kinda stuck on how this happens. If a dude told me he had two exec and one to four kids there wouldn't be a second date.
    Or a second kid.

    My point was simply that if he's accepted responsibility for being a father figure in these kids' lives, he can't just yank that away when he decides it's convenient because their DNA doesn't match. It's just ... so terrible.

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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    Heffalump said:
    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!

    SITB:  I would love to call MUD on all this, but sadly, I'll bet it's real.  This would make an excellent series on some third-tier cable channel.

    ETA:  @mrs.conn23, this is way better than the original Prudie letter!
    He is not looking to get out of anything because of the kids acting like brats.  Wife #1 was court ordered to let him see the kids but moved out of state (against court order) several times so he couldn't and she has told them all along he is not their father.  Wife #2 tells the girls he is not their father until she sees an opportunity to cause trouble.  She tells their 4 yr old that he did things (hit, punched, kicked, etc) to the 4 yr old so that the kid thinks it really happened and will tell her therapist, the cops or anyone else in authority.  Wife #2 is continuously trying to get DH thrown in prison and will literally stop at nothing to do it.  It is women like these that cause many fathers to be deadbeat dads.  WTF should he have to pay to support kids that are not his and he never gets to see when the money doesn't even go to the kids.  In some states the law is that if a couple is married when a child is conceived it is automatically assumed it is the husband's and he has to pay for it which is the case with Wife #2.

    No, this is not made up drama.  This is the soap opera I call my life.  Everything is real no matter how bizarre it sounds.  Our relationship (nearly 28 YEARS) is off the wall and messed up but it is what it is and would not be who we are today if any aspect of it were different.  Think as little as you want of DH or me but everyone deserves someone to love them.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    jonathonsbride said:
    Heffalump said:
    MegEn1 said:
    jonathonsbride said:
    traditionallyuntraditional said:
    This is just out of curiosity but how does he know the first is his if he questions the other three? Did he have a dna test or is he just assuming? If he had a dna test why not dna test the other three? And I just guess this is concern for you aren't you worried that if he gets upset he will try and claim your two aren't his? I mean no offense I just always get concerned for women in this sort of situation.

    Wife #1 was faithful at the time of the daughter's conception.  When the son was conceived she had her bf living with them (they were separated) so it is unknown for sure if he is DH's.  Wife #2 has never been faithful.  DH has said he didn't do the DNA tests on those three because he was afraid to find out they are not his but he is starting to come around with all the trouble they have caused.  Wife #2 actually went as far convincing all of DH's friends and family that our oldest was not his.  I paid for a DNA test and proved her wrong.  Since I have always been faithful he knows that our youngest is his.
    Whaaaat? So he's claiming these kids but now that they're being brats (read: kids) he's thinking "Oh well hey maybe I can get out of this"?

    If he's accepted his role as the father, he is their father, DNA or otherwise.

    Bonus: He was sleeping with his ex-wife when she was living with her new boyfriend?

    ?!?!?!?!?!?!!

    SITB:  I would love to call MUD on all this, but sadly, I'll bet it's real.  This would make an excellent series on some third-tier cable channel.

    ETA:  @mrs.conn23, this is way better than the original Prudie letter!
    He is not looking to get out of anything because of the kids acting like brats.  Wife #1 was court ordered to let him see the kids but moved out of state (against court order) several times so he couldn't and she has told them all along he is not their father.  Wife #2 tells the girls he is not their father until she sees an opportunity to cause trouble.  She tells their 4 yr old that he did things (hit, punched, kicked, etc) to the 4 yr old so that the kid thinks it really happened and will tell her therapist, the cops or anyone else in authority.  Wife #2 is continuously trying to get DH thrown in prison and will literally stop at nothing to do it.  It is women like these that cause many fathers to be deadbeat dads.  WTF should he have to pay to support kids that are not his and he never gets to see when the money doesn't even go to the kids.  In some states the law is that if a couple is married when a child is conceived it is automatically assumed it is the husband's and he has to pay for it which is the case with Wife #2.

    No, this is not made up drama.  This is the soap opera I call my life.  Everything is real no matter how bizarre it sounds.  Our relationship (nearly 28 YEARS) is off the wall and messed up but it is what it is and would not be who we are today if any aspect of it were different.  Think as little as you want of DH or me but everyone deserves someone to love them.
    I'm just curious, and please feel free to not answer because this is a personal question. But have you and he been together during/between the time he was with one or both of his ex-wives?

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    four men, yo.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited August 2014
    hmonkey said:
    four men, yo.
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  • JasperandOpalJasperandOpal member
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    I am confused, you have had a relationship with this guy for 28 years but he has a four year old with another woman who he was married to?  That is complex.

    Also, if he has been paying child support etc and is listed on the birth certificates for those children and the children are over 2, many states will not allow him to deny his parentage.  As in, even if the DNA proved they were not his, they would still be considered his by the state.  This might hurt him if he tries to deny it but it might also benefit him if he can use it to gain a little more control over the children and get the court to stop his exes from denying that the children are his.  

    If his exes are brain washing the children, maybe its time he stepped up and moved for sole custody.  If everything is as you describe, those women should not be the primary care parent for those children (such as the four year old being told s/he was abused by the dad, that is dangerous and will have huge impacts on their long term relationships with adults and males).  He needs to think about what he can do to protect his children.


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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
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    edited August 2014
    jonathonsbride said:

    6fsn said:
    I'm sorry I didn't open this earlier. Wtf at not knowing or caring three THREE kids are actually his THEN going on to having two more. Dude needs to zip it and maybe date before marrying.
    He cares.  He just loves them and is afraid that they are not his kids.
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  • mrsbrueske3mrsbrueske3 member
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    JasperandOpal said:
    I am confused, you have had a relationship with this guy for 28 years but he has a four year old with another woman who he was married to?  That is complex.

    Also, if he has been paying child support etc and is listed on the birth certificates for those children and the children are over 2, many states will not allow him to deny his parentage.  As in, even if the DNA proved they were not his, they would still be considered his by the state.  This might hurt him if he tries to deny it but it might also benefit him if he can use it to gain a little more control over the children and get the court to stop his exes from denying that the children are his.  

    If his exes are brain washing the children, maybe its time he stepped up and moved for sole custody.  If everything is as you describe, those women should not be the primary care parent for those children (such as the four year old being told s/he was abused by the dad, that is dangerous and will have huge impacts on their long term relationships with adults and males).  He needs to think about what he can do to protect his children.


    We have known each other for 28 years.  We lost touch several times over the years.  During one of those times he met and married wife #1.  Shortly after they were "together" he found out she was cheating on him and was having the bf move in with them.  They separated but remained living together for their daughter and due to finances.  Shortly after the bf moved in she announced she was pregnant.  That is how it is unknown if the son is his or not.  We ran into each other 9 years ago and had tried several times to be together but things always got in the way.  Three days before we found out I was pregnant with our first daughter we met wife #2 and he left me for her.  All during the pregnancy he tried leaving her but she would have none of it.  They married a month and a half after our daughter was born.  He had left wife #2 several times during the marriage but she always conned him into going back.  She had a child in 2010 and claimed it was his.  A year later he left her again and we tried again to be together which is when we conceived our second daughter.  Wife #2 found out we were having a baby and talked him into going back one last time.  Shortly before our daughter was born wife #2 got pregnant again and claimed that child was his as well.  It is suspected that neither of her girls are his because she has cheated on him since the night they met.  In Wisconsin, where wife #2 lives, if a woman conceives a child it is automatically assumed the child is the husband's even if it is not.  She has done everything she can to keep us apart and will stop at nothing to continue to make our lives hell.  Most of you may think I am no better than her for continuing to have anything to do with him and having a second child with him and that is fine.  We love each other and are finally getting a real chance to be together and that is what is important to us.

    As for him trying to protect the children of wives #1 and #2, he can't do anything about it.  Most states are now "A woman's state" where the mother gets the most rights.  We also cannot prove they are doing anything wrong because wife #1 has zero contact with DH and refuses to let the children have any contact with him.  The courts have even said that there is nothing they can do unless he takes her back to court.  Wife #2 does everything on the phone or in person so there is no written proof of her wrongdoings.  He also will never be able to get custody of her girls because he has a domestic assault charge on his record because of her.  Yes, our lives are messed up and some say we should not be together but it is what it is.
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