Am I bridezilla or is MOH conceited?

Re: Am I bridezilla or is MOH conceited?

• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014

  Anoxymous said:

  Hello, everyone, this is my very first post and I'm very nervous to talk about this issue. I will try to keep this story as short as I possibly can. Okay so for starters, I am getting married next May and I'm very excited to do so, but it doesn't seem like my MOH really cares. Now after I got engaged I asked my best friend.... let's call her C for now, to be my MOH and she said yes and was super excited. And was very excited to start planning and picking stuff out with me. I told her that I greatly appreciate her wanting to help. Now, this was back in December (2013), it's now August (2014) and there's been only the progress I've done on my own, with the help of the Groom and the other maids. The MOH has been MIA ever since then. I totally understand that people have their own lives and deal with their own problems, you know that's totally understandable. But I guess here's the problem I'm having: My MOH is rude every time I talk to her recently. Example: I'll be telling her something about work, a funny occurrence that happened over dinner the previous night and she'll cut my off right off the bat and start talking to someone else and ignore me and then after that conversation is done, she'll turn to me and say in an innocent voice "Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something." I find that really rude. And then she'll poke fun at me or say something that's just uncalled for. It really hurts me when she does this.
  
  She has not met the rest of the maids. I have 2 cousins in the wedding as well as my brother's girlfriend. And whenever I schedule a time for everyone to meet for lunch and/or to try on dresses or pick out dresses, she agrees to meet there, I remind her the night before and then I get a call hours after we were supposed to meet stating "Oh! I completely forgot, but at least I still get to see my baby (her boyfriend)." Which is fine, and again I understand...
  
  You see, she has a relationship going with this guy, who is really nice (he's not the brightest crayon in the tool shed) but treats her good. I'm very happy she found someone who makes her happy. She really deserves happiness. I ask her all the time how they are doing, what their plans are for (insert weekend/holiday/evening here). And then she goes "Oh well, I'm already planning my wedding with him." That's good...they've only been together a month.... but that's cool... all relationships have to start somewhere.... but honestly it does depress me. I mean she asked if she could help and was really excited to help me plan, but she hasn't done that. She's only ignored me and make excuses, but she's planning her wedding. Yep that's fine.
  
  I am trying really hard not to get upset at her for ditching me all the time (saying it's more important that she has her baby (again her boyfriend) with her, and never doing what she says she would do. I'm trying to be a good friend and be there for her whenever she needs me. And it's also an issue with money for her. I have stated previously that I would be buying all the maids' dresses, they would just have to worry about shoes and their accessories, pretty fair right? Well now, she says that she's saving up for an apartment in another township and doesn't have the extra money to spend on the shoes and accessories. She also throws a drag when I try to talk to her about the wedding when I can get a word in, all she says is "what am I going to be wearing, because as your maid of honor, I should get to pick what I want to wear. I don't want wear anything that's ugly or an ugly colour." I get it, I have bad taste. It's not like I was going to single her out and put her in a vomit inducing dress/colour. My favorite colours (the colors that I chose) are pomegranate and mint. I think they work pretty well together. She wants to wear emerald green (which is a pretty colour, don't get me wrong), but it doesn't really fit with the colors that I've chose. She wants me to have a church wedding, because she's very religious. Again, that's cool. My groom and I were actually thinking about renting out a ballroom at a nice hotel for the wedding and reception.
  
  
  And then this put icing on the cake, so to speak. We were supposed to meet at the mall just to look around. Harmless, right? While in a store she asked if she could see my engagement ring again and happily I lifted up my hand and held it out so she could see it. engagement ring. She snarled her nose at it and flicked it. SHE FLICKED IT! She took two of her fingers and FLICKED my engagement ring while it was on my hand! And proceeded to tell me that she prefers diamonds (I don't really care for diamonds too much. My engagement ring has an aquamarine setting, which is very pretty in my opinion). There is no reason to do that though, right? Or am I wrong and she has full authority to do that? And then in a different store I told her that another one of my maids wants to throw me a bridal shower at some point in the near future. C got really mad and told that she is the made of honor and that it's her responsibility to do that. And I told her if she wants to it's not set in stone and she still has grabs on it to do so. She rolled her eyes and changed the subject back to her and her boyfriend. Do you think she feels threatened every time I try to bring up the wedding. Because if so, I don't mean to make her feel that way. And if you guys thinks so, I'll go and apologize to her.
  
  I've tried asking her if everything is okay and she says everything is fine. I tell her that I am here for her if she needs anything. But for the most part, I've stopped trying to talk about the wedding with her, because she always throws a drag and I get the feeling it's because it's not about her. And for the record, I don't believe the wedding is all about me (the bride). It's about family and friends getting together and enjoying a great day celebrating the love that my fiance and I chose to surround ourselves with, right? I mean I don't want to be bridezilla (that's no fun for anyone), I don't want to take away her happiness with her boyfriend. I want to be a good friend and be there for her and not complain. I'm just wondering what are your honest opinions on this matter? Is she right for doing all this and treating me this way? What should I do?  (I'm sorry this is longer than I intended.)
  

  Two big questions firstly, how old are you and your MOH? And more importantly, has this behavior been going on longer then her new relationship? Has something happened to her, loss of job, loss of family, change of meds. etc?
  
  You've been discussing wedding with her since December. did you make a point to keep up with her life? Sometimes brides get carried away with wedding stuff and we forget that our friends aren't maybe as worried about satin vs cotton tablecloths and such. It's possible she might have felt neglected, and that could be coloring her reactions.
  
  Also, has she been flakey/moody in the past? If this kind of behavior is normal, than it's not going to go anywhere, that's just how she is.
  
  If you want to save this friendship, talk to her as a friend and leave your wedding out of it for awhile.
  
  Oh. and one or two tips. Do yourself a favor and don't dictate what shoes your BM's wear. Just give them a neutral (nude, black, gold, silver) color. If you want a specific shoe (mint peep toe mary jane with platform pump, for example) you should purchase it. I also am of the belief that one thing you do get control over is the BM's dress. If you want them in a mint dress, give them a paint chip, or a designer and color from that designers collection. They get to pick what they wear, and you get the color you want.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  I know this is all from your point of view, OP, so obviously its skewed a bit... but a few things stood out to me: 

  1. that she cuts you off all the time

  2. says she'll be somewhere but doesn't show up, and only calls about it hours later

  3. insulted your ring

  4. she's planning her wedding to a guy she's been dating for 1 month who has not proposed to her

  
  

  for the first three: she sounds like a total b****. Or, rather, she sounds like she's trying to compete with you, or show her dominance or something. That's not a healthy friendship. 

  
  

  For number four, if she is doing more than looking at dresses online and rings because they're pretty, it sounds like she's a bit delusional/ insecure. I wouldn't advise you say anything to her. Send her to the Not Engaged Yet board. Or to any board on the knot. Hopefully that will talk some sense into her. 

  
  

  Finally, all of this together, says to me that she is going through some emotional trauma. Insecurity, stress, etc. That is, if this is totally new behavior for her. 

  
  

  I would definitely not talk about your wedding with her anymore. Just do your best to be kind. Don't send snide comments back to her to heal your ego--- rise above her. Let her know that you're there for her, support her, be her friend. But honestly? If she insults you, or cuts you off, etc. I would tell her as soon as she does it. "C, you just insulted me. That was really hurtful." It's possible she is taking her stress out on you, but doesn't realize the damage she is causing to your relationship. You should let her know. 

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• lilacck28 member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  ps- if you buy their dress, then I don't see a problem with having them buy particular shoes and accessories as long as you first asked each of them individually what their budget was for those things, total, and then stuck to the lowest budget you were given. If you did not, then you should ask for their budgets now and alter your plans accordingly, or buy the items yourself, or supplement the cost. 

  
  

  However, you should be aware that everyone's foot is different-- your lovely mint peep toes or whatever cute shoe you pick out could really hurt their feet, and it does suck to buy a pair of shoes that feels like Chinese foot binding. As fair as it is to do the above (ask for their budget for shoes and make them buy the shoe you pick while you pick up the cost of the dress) I would resent you, if I were your bridesmaid, if you picked a shoe that had me in severe pain for the day. You might be better off picking a color, as PP suggested. Also, don't forget that your girls will probably have to pay a decent amount to get their dresses alterred, unless you are covering that as well. 

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• Anoxymous member

  

  August 2014

  Two big questions firstly, how old are you and your MOH? And more importantly, has this behavior been going on longer then her new relationship? Has something happened to her, loss of job, loss of family, change of meds. etc?
  

  
  You've been discussing wedding with her since December. did you make a point to keep up with her life? Sometimes brides get carried away with wedding stuff and we forget that our friends aren't maybe as worried about satin vs cotton tablecloths and such. It's possible she might have felt neglected, and that could be coloring her reactions.
  
  Also, has she been flakey/moody in the past? If this kind of behavior is normal, than it's not going to go anywhere, that's just how she is.
  
  If you want to save this friendship, talk to her as a friend and leave your wedding out of it for awhile.
  
  Oh. and one or two tips. Do yourself a favor and don't dictate what shoes your BM's wear. Just give them a neutral (nude, black, gold, silver) color. If you want a specific shoe (mint peep toe mary jane with platform pump, for example) you should purchase it. I also am of the belief that one thing you do get control over is the BM's dress. If you want them in a mint dress, give them a paint chip, or a designer and color from that designers collection. They get to pick what they wear, and you get the color you want.

  We are both in our mid 20's. And this behavior has been going on for a while, even before she got together with her boyfriend. I thought it was just a phase maybe, early on and I've talked with her about what's going on in her life, not just the wedding. Like i said before whenever I try to talk about the wedding she cuts me off and changes the subject, so I never really get to tell her what's on my mind. But she not only cuts me off about the wedding, it's all the time, when I try to speak. She ignores me for an indefinite amount of time and then realizes I'm still there and talks about her boyfriend. Again which is fine, I love listening to her and what she has to say, but I never get to put my two cents in and she won't listen to me about whatever. you know?
  
  As far as being flaky, not really. When she says she's going to be somewhere or do something at this specific time, she'll be there, a little late. But she'd still be there, and now not so much. But you say that I should leave my wedding out of it for a while, I have. Like I said before, I never get to talk about anything, because she's always cutting me off/doesn't even listen/or dismisses me. I haven't brought up the wedding in a while anyway though because of this. I don't want to seem like I'm a bad friend or bridezilla and like I said before if I am in the wrong I will go and apologize to her, I might do that anyway just to see if it will bring something out onto the table so we can address it. I certainly don't want to lose her as a friend. I also don't want to sound childish, like "My wedding is more important than her life and blah blah blah..." no no NO! That's not what I'm trying to get across and I'm sorry if it did. Because my wedding isn't more important than what she's going through, that's ridiculous.
  
  As far as the shoes and accessories, I gave the maids full reign of what shoes they want to wear and accessories they want/have. I did stick to the neutral colors, I don't care if the shoe is the same color as the dress. And I don't really care if the maids want something different in a shoe. I've also told them if they have shoes in their closet already and they want to wear them, go ahead and wear it. They don't have to buy new shoes. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable all day. Also I think is kinda cool, I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable at the reception either, so I stated to the groomsmen and the bridesmaids to bring an extra change of clothes just in case they do want to change. I hope that is okay to do as well. But yeah, if they have something different in mind for shoes that's totally fine with me.
  

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• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014

  Hmm. I mean, she might be having one of those "quarter life crisis" things. I know right after college I was kinda withdrawn and bitchy cause I wasn't happy with my life. I'd probably let her know that her behavior has been hurting you, and if she continues it, well, start putting some distance between you. Friendship is a two way street.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• Anoxymous member

  

  August 2014

  lilacck28 said:

  I know this is all from your point of view, OP, so obviously its skewed a bit... but a few things stood out to me: 

  1. that she cuts you off all the time

  2. says she'll be somewhere but doesn't show up, and only calls about it hours later

  3. insulted your ring

  4. she's planning her wedding to a guy she's been dating for 1 month who has not proposed to her

  
  

  for the first three: she sounds like a total b****. Or, rather, she sounds like she's trying to compete with you, or show her dominance or something. That's not a healthy friendship. 

  
  

  For number four, if she is doing more than looking at dresses online and rings because they're pretty, it sounds like she's a bit delusional/ insecure. I wouldn't advise you say anything to her. Send her to the Not Engaged Yet board. Or to any board on the knot. Hopefully that will talk some sense into her. 

  
  

  Finally, all of this together, says to me that she is going through some emotional trauma. Insecurity, stress, etc. That is, if this is totally new behavior for her. 

  
  

  I would definitely not talk about your wedding with her anymore. Just do your best to be kind. Don't send snide comments back to her to heal your ego--- rise above her. Let her know that you're there for her, support her, be her friend. But honestly? If she insults you, or cuts you off, etc. I would tell her as soon as she does it. "C, you just insulted me. That was really hurtful." It's possible she is taking her stress out on you, but doesn't realize the damage she is causing to your relationship. You should let her know. 

  Well yes I'm sure it is a bit skewed, but I tried to be as accurate as possible with the information (from what I notice. again skewed. sorry.)
  
  As far as her planning her wedding with her boyfriend, she's already started ordering things and again that's fine. She's entitled to do whatever she feels necessary. But if she's wanting to compete with me, I'm not going to play that game and I'm not trying to compete. If she is going through emotional trauma, I have no knowledge about it. But no she's actually been like this even before she got together with her boyfriend.
  
  So if I'm shouldn't talk to her about the wedding or try to talk to her about it, what should I do? Just ignore it til the actual day of the wedding. (I mean with her since she is my MOH). I know that it is never okay to demote people and that's not something I want to do or even considering. I am not about to send her snide comments, I haven't even thought about that either. That's childish and a bit uncalled for. I've told her that if she ever does want to talk about anything I'm here for her and she can call anytime (even if it's 3am). I'm trying to be a good friend and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel like if I tell her "Hey you just insulted me." She'll get defensive and turn it around on me. But I certainly don't want to be rude to her or make a very childish game out of this. We are adults and should be able to know right from wrong? But no, I will not send her any snide message or treat her differently. I will be kind and maybe when she is ready to talk, I guess, I hope she will come around, right?
  
  As far as shoes. I've let all the BM know to wear what they like and what is comfortable to them, I don't care what the shoe color is as long as it is either black, white, silver, nude (you get the idea). If they have something in their closet already that they like and will work, go for it. I also let the bridal party as well as the groomsmen know that if they want to change for the reception they can if they want to. I don't anyone feeling uncomfortable. But if they don't have anything I will certainly buy them a pair of shoes that they like and are comfortable if they are on a tight budget.
  

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• Anoxymous member

  

  August 2014

  chibiyui said:

  Hmm. I mean, she might be having one of those "quarter life crisis" things. I know right after college I was kinda withdrawn and bitchy cause I wasn't happy with my life. I'd probably let her know that her behavior has been hurting you, and if she continues it, well, start putting some distance between you. Friendship is a two way street.

  Maybe... I'll let her know, but I don't want to hurt her, you know. It's not what I'm about. I'm not out to get revenge on her anything or single her out. That's rude in of it self, right? But if she does continue, I know you suggested to put some distance between us, but that still mean she is my MOH? Because I know it is never okay to demote a person, right?
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  You need a backbone. She has been very rude, and you should tell her. It is not "being mean" or "singling her out" or being "rude" to tell her when she hurts you! Her behavior will not change unless you point it out and require her to take some responsibility. If you want to do nothing and maintain a friendship with someone who is very mean to you, that's your prerogative but I think that is unhealthy. (I've had friendships like this! It really messed with my self esteem. When I said not to put in snide comments, its because that's what I had to hold myself back from! And sometimes I even let them slip. That's what happens when you have a diseased friendship. ) 

  
  

  And when I said "emotional trauma" I meant, probably some type of quarter life crisis. Any emotional trauma, whether that be a mid life crisis or severe depression, is not an excuse to be mean to your friends, and she should be made aware of when she does something rude. 

  
  

  And even though she is your MOH, I wouldn't talk about your wedding much to her. I would just remind her when events are, and tell her you're excited to see her there. Any more than that, and It sounds like she'd just sour the wedding planning experience for you. She can show up on the day of and walk down the aisle as your MOH and that's that. (I say this only because you seem to want to maintain a friendship with her. If you were ready to cut ties, you disinvite her. That's a drastic move, but sometimes necessary if the person is toxic. I wouldn't ask someone else to be MOH in her place though.  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  August 2014

  ps- I think she is NUTS to be buying things for a wedding when she is not engaged and has only dated this guy for a month. She should be seeing a therapist.

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• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014

  lilacck28 said:

  ps- I think she is NUTS to be buying things for a wedding when she is not engaged and has only dated this guy for a month. She should be seeing a therapist.

  Word. She does not sound mentally stable.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  August 2014

  OP, why don't you just lay off not just the wedding talk, but all communication with her? Give her time to miss you. Let her realize that her rude behavior has consequences. There's really nothing for her to do for your wedding for another nine or ten months anyway. Let her deal with her crazy relationship, moving, and what have you all by herself. Take a break from this toxic person.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2014

  NYCMercedes said:

  OP, why don't you just lay off not just the wedding talk, but all communication with her? Give her time to miss you. Let her realize that her rude behavior has consequences. There's really nothing for her to do for your wedding for another nine or ten months anyway. Let her deal with her crazy relationship, moving, and what have you all by herself. Take a break from this toxic person.

  This.  Take a full break from this girl.  See how your life is without her (and see if she actually contacts you), I'm sure it will be for the better.  If it is and you want to permanently break the friendship, then tell her that you feel like your friendship has run its course.  You wish her nothing but the best in the future and then wish her well.  Breaking the friendship automatically removes her from the wedding.  Don't promote anyone else to MOH though.

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2014

  NYCMercedes said:

  OP, why don't you just lay off not just the wedding talk, but all communication with her? Give her time to miss you. Let her realize that her rude behavior has consequences. There's really nothing for her to do for your wedding for another nine or ten months anyway. Let her deal with her crazy relationship, moving, and what have you all by herself. Take a break from this toxic person.

  This. And when she does something that hurts your feelings or bothers you, TELL HER. 

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• MegEn1 member

  

  August 2014

  If anybody ever flicked my e-ring there'd be hell to pay. Not just because it's an e-ring, but because ... who flicks other peoples' belongings? BELONGINGS THAT THEY ARE CURRENTLY WEARING?
  
  Also I have a phobia of losing my stone.
  

  
  Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  August 2014

  Anoxymous said:

  Hello, everyone, this is my very first post and I'm very nervous to talk about this issue. I will try to keep this story as short as I possibly can. Okay so for starters, I am getting married next May and I'm very excited to do so, but it doesn't seem like my MOH really cares. Now after I got engaged I asked my best friend.... let's call her C for now, to be my MOH and she said yes and was super excited. And was very excited to start planning and picking stuff out with me. I told her that I greatly appreciate her wanting to help. Now, this was back in December (2013), it's now August (2014) and there's been only the progress I've done on my own, with the help of the Groom and the other maids.  The MOH has been MIA ever since then.  First, no one is responsible for planning your wedding other than you and your FI.  2nd, your wedding is 8 months away. .. what on earth are you doing now that you need to involved your BM's?  I totally understand that people have their own lives and deal with their own problems, you know that's totally understandable. But I guess here's the problem I'm having: My MOH is rude every time I talk to her recently. Example: I'll be telling her something about work, a funny occurrence that happened over dinner the previous night and she'll cut my off right off the bat and start talking to someone else and ignore me and then after that conversation is done, she'll turn to me and say in an innocent voice "Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something." I find that really rude. And then she'll poke fun at me or say something that's just uncalled for. It really hurts me when she does this.   This is your best friend, right?  Has she always been like this?  How long have you known each other?  This behavior sounds like a friend issue, not a wedding issue.
  
  She has not met the rest of the maids. I have 2 cousins in the wedding as well as my brother's girlfriend. And whenever I schedule a time for everyone to meet for lunch and/or to try on dresses or pick out dresses, she agrees to meet there, I remind her the night before and then I get a call hours after we were supposed to meet stating "Oh! I completely forgot, but at least I still get to see my baby (her boyfriend)." Which is fine, and again I understand...  Slow down!  Your wedding is 8 months away, you shouldn't be dress shopping right now.  It's far too earlier to be ordering dresses- people can gain/lose weight, become pregnant, etc.  And you all don't need to go as a group to pick out BM dresses.  Let your BM's do that on their own, on their own time.  Many people don't like trying on clothing in front of a ton of people, even if they all know each other.  Also, your MOH doesn't need to meet or interact with these other girls until the day of the wedding, so stop trying to force her to socialize with people if she doesn't want to.
  
  You see, she has a relationship going with this guy, who is really nice (he's not the brightest crayon in the tool shed) but treats her good. I'm very happy she found someone who makes her happy. She really deserves happiness. I ask her all the time how they are doing, what their plans are for (insert weekend/holiday/evening here). And then she goes "Oh well, I'm already planning my wedding with him." That's good...they've only been together a month.... but that's cool... all relationships have to start somewhere.... but honestly it does depress me. I mean she asked if she could help and was really excited to help me plan, but she hasn't done that. She's only ignored me and make excuses, but she's planning her wedding. Yep that's fine.  It sounds like she is in love or very infatuated with her new BF  and they are in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, so of course she is going to be more excited about her new beau than your wedding.  No one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  However, being in a new relationship and being excited about it is not an excuse to ditch friends and blow off plans. . . that's being immature and a shitty friend, IMO.  Has your best friend been like this in the past when she is in a new relationship?
  
  I am trying really hard not to get upset at her for ditching me all the time (saying it's more important that she has her baby (again her boyfriend) with her, and never doing what she says she would do. I'm trying to be a good friend and be there for her whenever she needs me. And it's also an issue with money for her. I have stated previously that I would be buying all the maids' dresses, they would just have to worry about shoes and their accessories, pretty fair right? Well now, she says that she's saving up for an apartment in another township and doesn't have the extra money to spend on the shoes and accessories.   Are you requiring that they all wear a specific style of shoe and specific accessories?  Because if so, then you need to buy those items as well.  Otherwise just pick a color of shoe, and just let your BMs wear whatever shoe they want in that color.  Let them wear their own accessories too, no one needs to be matchy matchy.  She also throws a drag when I try to talk to her about the wedding when I can get a word in, all she says is "what am I going to be wearing, because as your maid of honor, I should get to pick what I want to wear. I don't want wear anything that's ugly or an ugly colour." I get it, I have bad taste. It's not like I was going to single her out and put her in a vomit inducing dress/colour. My favorite colours (the colors that I chose) are pomegranate and mint. I think they work pretty well together. She wants to wear emerald green (which is a pretty colour, don't get me wrong), but it doesn't really fit with the colors that I've chose. She wants me to have a church wedding, because she's very religious. Again, that's cool. My groom and I were actually thinking about renting out a ballroom at a nice hotel for the wedding and reception.  If you feel like she is bashing every aspect of your wedding or inserting unsolicited opinions when you talk about your wedding, then stop talking to her about your wedding.  Honestly, how often do you bring your wedding up with her and others?  Again, it's 8 months away. . . are you obsessing over your wedding and boring people?  Don't bring up your wedding unless someone specifically asks you about it.
  
  
  And then this put icing on the cake, so to speak. We were supposed to meet at the mall just to look around. Harmless, right? While in a store she asked if she could see my engagement ring again and happily I lifted up my hand and held it out so she could see it. engagement ring. She snarled her nose at it and flicked it. SHE FLICKED IT! She took two of her fingers and FLICKED my engagement ring while it was on my hand! And proceeded to tell me that she prefers diamonds (I don't really care for diamonds too much. My engagement ring has an aquamarine setting, which is very pretty in my opinion). There is no reason to do that though, right? Or am I wrong and she has full authority to do that? And then in a different store I told her that another one of my maids wants to throw me a bridal shower at some point in the near future. C got really mad and told that she is the made of honor and that it's her responsibility to do that. And I told her if she wants to it's not set in stone and she still has grabs on it to do so. She rolled her eyes and changed the subject back to her and her boyfriend. Do you think she feels threatened every time I try to bring up the wedding. Because if so, I don't mean to make her feel that way. And if you guys thinks so, I'll go and apologize to her.  I don't know what her deal is, but it sounds like she has some issues and she may be jealous.  But I also suspect that you talk about your wedding too much.  I have been engaged since the end of July 2012, wedding is this October, and no one brought up planning a shower for me until April of this year- the shower is next week.  My bachlorette party was just planned and finalized last week.  My BM's didn't start seriously looking for dresses until the end of April of this year, and a few still haven't picked theirs out yet, lol.  The point being, I think you and perhaps some of your BM's are waaay ahead of things and you are probably burning everyone else out.
  
  I've tried asking her if everything is okay and she says everything is fine. I tell her that I am here for her if she needs anything. But for the most part, I've stopped trying to talk about the wedding with her, because she always throws a drag and I get the feeling it's because it's not about her. And for the record, I don't believe the wedding is all about me (the bride). It's about family and friends getting together and enjoying a great day celebrating the love that my fiance and I chose to surround ourselves with, right? I mean I don't want to be bridezilla (that's no fun for anyone), I don't want to take away her happiness with her boyfriend. I want to be a good friend and be there for her and not complain. I'm just wondering what are your honest opinions on this matter? Is she right for doing all this and treating me this way? What should I do?  (I'm sorry this is longer than I intended.)
  

  
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  August 2014

  The problem is your friend is an ill-mannered bore. I agree with NYCMercedes, take a break. Don't call her for wedding chit-chat or arrange dates with her.

  Since you're paying for the dresses, you don't need to consult her on her budget. You pick the color and style, within reason. Pick a date to shop for the bm dresses. Whoever shows up can help with the selection. If your MOH doesn't show, give her the info she needs to get measured and order her dress so it will arrive on time for your wedding. Don't cajole her. If she doesn't manage to get her dress on time, she will be removing herself from your wedding party.

  Give the bm who offered, the go ahead to plan your shower. It's not the M'sOH responsibility or right to plan showers or bps for the bride. Continue to plan your wedding, without expecting help from your MOH.

   

   

                     

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• ashley8918 member

  

  August 2014

  I don't think you are a Bridezilla. Your friend is terribly rude.

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• novella1186 member

  

  August 2014

  I agree with @lilacck28. It's kind of hilarious that she flicked your ring. Not hilarious in a good way, but hilarious in a way that she's a rude brat and I can't believe an adult would even behave that way. It sounds like she's going through some stuff or has some issues. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem. Let her know she's been out of line, then put some distance between you and her and let the dust settle. If she keeps being so rude and crappy to you, I'd re-think that friendship.

  

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• Anoxymous member

  

  August 2014

  
  

  novella1186 said:

  I agree with @lilacck28. It's kind of hilarious that she flicked your ring. Not hilarious in a good way, but hilarious in a way that she's a rude brat and I can't believe an adult would even behave that way. It sounds like she's going through some stuff or has some issues. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem. Let her know she's been out of line, then put some distance between you and her and let the dust settle. If she keeps being so rude and crappy to you, I'd re-think that friendship.

  I honestly can't believe she did that either, I mean I never thought she would ever do something like that. I have brought it up to her, but she just ignored it and moved on. I keep asking her if everything is okay, and that I'm here for her. But she still hasn't said anything. So I guess if she knows that, she'll come around eventually... I just don't want to lose her as a friend.
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  August 2014

  Does she have any redeeming qualities, OP? Because from what you've told us... it doesn't really make sense why you would want to maintain a friendship with her when she treats you poorly.

  Report8 Reply
• Knottie72584342 member

  

  August 2014

  Anoxymous said:

  Hello, everyone, this is my very first post and I'm very nervous to talk about this issue. I will try to keep this story as short as I possibly can. Okay so for starters, I am getting married next May and I'm very excited to do so, but it doesn't seem like my MOH really cares. Now after I got engaged I asked my best friend.... let's call her C for now, to be my MOH and she said yes and was super excited. And was very excited to start planning and picking stuff out with me. I told her that I greatly appreciate her wanting to help. Now, this was back in December (2013), it's now August (2014) and there's been only the progress I've done on my own, with the help of the Groom and the other maids. The MOH has been MIA ever since then. I totally understand that people have their own lives and deal with their own problems, you know that's totally understandable. But I guess here's the problem I'm having: My MOH is rude every time I talk to her recently. Example: I'll be telling her something about work, a funny occurrence that happened over dinner the previous night and she'll cut my off right off the bat and start talking to someone else and ignore me and then after that conversation is done, she'll turn to me and say in an innocent voice "Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something." I find that really rude. And then she'll poke fun at me or say something that's just uncalled for. It really hurts me when she does this.
  
  She has not met the rest of the maids. I have 2 cousins in the wedding as well as my brother's girlfriend. And whenever I schedule a time for everyone to meet for lunch and/or to try on dresses or pick out dresses, she agrees to meet there, I remind her the night before and then I get a call hours after we were supposed to meet stating "Oh! I completely forgot, but at least I still get to see my baby (her boyfriend)." Which is fine, and again I understand...
  
  You see, she has a relationship going with this guy, who is really nice (he's not the brightest crayon in the tool shed) but treats her good. I'm very happy she found someone who makes her happy. She really deserves happiness. I ask her all the time how they are doing, what their plans are for (insert weekend/holiday/evening here). And then she goes "Oh well, I'm already planning my wedding with him." That's good...they've only been together a month.... but that's cool... all relationships have to start somewhere.... but honestly it does depress me. I mean she asked if she could help and was really excited to help me plan, but she hasn't done that. She's only ignored me and make excuses, but she's planning her wedding. Yep that's fine.
  
  I am trying really hard not to get upset at her for ditching me all the time (saying it's more important that she has her baby (again her boyfriend) with her, and never doing what she says she would do. I'm trying to be a good friend and be there for her whenever she needs me. And it's also an issue with money for her. I have stated previously that I would be buying all the maids' dresses, they would just have to worry about shoes and their accessories, pretty fair right? Well now, she says that she's saving up for an apartment in another township and doesn't have the extra money to spend on the shoes and accessories. She also throws a drag when I try to talk to her about the wedding when I can get a word in, all she says is "what am I going to be wearing, because as your maid of honor, I should get to pick what I want to wear. I don't want wear anything that's ugly or an ugly colour." I get it, I have bad taste. It's not like I was going to single her out and put her in a vomit inducing dress/colour. My favorite colours (the colors that I chose) are pomegranate and mint. I think they work pretty well together. She wants to wear emerald green (which is a pretty colour, don't get me wrong), but it doesn't really fit with the colors that I've chose. She wants me to have a church wedding, because she's very religious. Again, that's cool. My groom and I were actually thinking about renting out a ballroom at a nice hotel for the wedding and reception.
  
  
  And then this put icing on the cake, so to speak. We were supposed to meet at the mall just to look around. Harmless, right? While in a store she asked if she could see my engagement ring again and happily I lifted up my hand and held it out so she could see it. engagement ring. She snarled her nose at it and flicked it. SHE FLICKED IT! She took two of her fingers and FLICKED my engagement ring while it was on my hand! And proceeded to tell me that she prefers diamonds (I don't really care for diamonds too much. My engagement ring has an aquamarine setting, which is very pretty in my opinion). There is no reason to do that though, right? Or am I wrong and she has full authority to do that? And then in a different store I told her that another one of my maids wants to throw me a bridal shower at some point in the near future. C got really mad and told that she is the made of honor and that it's her responsibility to do that. And I told her if she wants to it's not set in stone and she still has grabs on it to do so. She rolled her eyes and changed the subject back to her and her boyfriend. Do you think she feels threatened every time I try to bring up the wedding. Because if so, I don't mean to make her feel that way. And if you guys thinks so, I'll go and apologize to her.
  
  I've tried asking her if everything is okay and she says everything is fine. I tell her that I am here for her if she needs anything. But for the most part, I've stopped trying to talk about the wedding with her, because she always throws a drag and I get the feeling it's because it's not about her. And for the record, I don't believe the wedding is all about me (the bride). It's about family and friends getting together and enjoying a great day celebrating the love that my fiance and I chose to surround ourselves with, right? I mean I don't want to be bridezilla (that's no fun for anyone), I don't want to take away her happiness with her boyfriend. I want to be a good friend and be there for her and not complain. I'm just wondering what are your honest opinions on this matter? Is she right for doing all this and treating me this way? What should I do?  (I'm sorry this is longer than I intended.)
  

  she flicked your wedding ring and proceeded  to say that she prefers  diamonds,ignores anything that has to do with your wedding and is planning her own wedding just a month after meeting this guy with no engagement.  she's totally jealous. I wouldn't bring my wedding up anymore and next time she's rude i would to her face she's rude until she can get the point. 

  
  

  i know you do not want to ruin your relationship with her but as you get older you would realize you just don't need negativity in your life. is just not healthy.

  
  

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• Knottie72584342 member

  

  August 2014

  Anoxymous said:

  
  

  novella1186 said:

  I agree with @lilacck28. It's kind of hilarious that she flicked your ring. Not hilarious in a good way, but hilarious in a way that she's a rude brat and I can't believe an adult would even behave that way. It sounds like she's going through some stuff or has some issues. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem. Let her know she's been out of line, then put some distance between you and her and let the dust settle. If she keeps being so rude and crappy to you, I'd re-think that friendship.

  I honestly can't believe she did that either, I mean I never thought she would ever do something like that. I have brought it up to her, but she just ignored it and moved on. I keep asking her if everything is okay, and that I'm here for her. But she still hasn't said anything. So I guess if she knows that, she'll come around eventually... I just don't want to lose her as a friend.
  

  if she keeps ignoring you when you try to fix a problem then i think you should distance yourself. Next time a problem comes up and you try to talk about it and she ignores you i would tell her " you are rude and disrespectful and every time i call you out you ignore me so I'm gonna walk away and when you are ready and willing to have a talk about it give me a call". If she calls you that means she cares and finally you both can get all your feelings out. if she does not call you ever that means she finally got what she wanted a break from your friendship . sometimes some girls reach a point in their life when they no longer want to hangout with the same friends (especially when they are  soooo in love) and need a huge break . Just continue with your wedding plans girl and forget it.

  
  

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• thelastdreamer member

  

  August 2014

  OP, it sounds like you have tried really hard to work with her. You're not even making her buy a dress, for goodness sake. You've made it clear you don't annoy her with details about your wedding. It sounds like she's just acting nuts. I agree with the PPs ... give it a rest and let her come to you. Don't try to kick her out of being MOH or anything because that will start way more drama, but just give her some space and let her get over planning her wedding to the dude she just met. 

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• itsrandiyo member

  

  August 2014

  PrettyGirlLost   I don't think plannings 8 months before your wedding is too far in advance. Also if you read the strings she is just trying to be a good freind and she doesn't talk about her weddnig barley ever and she didnt dictate shoes. I think your post was a little more rude then it needed to be since this girls seems to be so sweet and a good friend and just has kinda crappy friend if you ask me. 

  
  

  Sorry to single your post out, I just thought you were kinda out of place telling her multiple times that her planning time is too fast. 

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• itsrandiyo member

  

  August 2014

  Anoxymous said:

  
  

  novella1186 said:

  I agree with @lilacck28. It's kind of hilarious that she flicked your ring. Not hilarious in a good way, but hilarious in a way that she's a rude brat and I can't believe an adult would even behave that way. It sounds like she's going through some stuff or has some issues. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem. Let her know she's been out of line, then put some distance between you and her and let the dust settle. If she keeps being so rude and crappy to you, I'd re-think that friendship.

  I honestly can't believe she did that either, I mean I never thought she would ever do something like that. I have brought it up to her, but she just ignored it and moved on. I keep asking her if everything is okay, and that I'm here for her. But she still hasn't said anything. So I guess if she knows that, she'll come around eventually... I just don't want to lose her as a friend.
  

  Sometimes its time to let certain friends go. Friendship is give and take, my best friend would do anything for me and I would drop everything and do anything for her. There is no friendship you need that you have to work that hard to make sure that you don't upset them, or are never listened to and respected. 

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• Viczaesar member

  

  August 2014

  itsrandiyo said:

  PrettyGirlLost   I don't think plannings 8 months before your wedding is too far in advance. Also if you read the strings she is just trying to be a good freind and she doesn't talk about her weddnig barley ever and she didnt dictate shoes. I think your post was a little more rude then it needed to be since this girls seems to be so sweet and a good friend and just has kinda crappy friend if you ask me. 

  
  

  Sorry to single your post out, I just thought you were kinda out of place telling her multiple times that her planning time is too fast. 

  There are plenty of things that it's appropriate to work on planning for your wedding 8 months out.  The bridesmaid dress is not one of them.
  

  
  
  
  

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• Anoxymous member

  

  November 2014

  Viczaesar said:

  There are plenty of things that it's appropriate to work on planning for your wedding 8 months out.  The bridesmaid dress is not one of them.
  

  Well I thought it was fine to just look at dresses. There's no harm in that.Yeah it might have been a little too early to order them,(which hasn't even happened yet), but there's no harm in looking.
  

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• sarawifenow member

  

  November 2014

  Well that was delayed.

  

  Report4 Reply
• Viczaesar member

  

  November 2014

  sarawifenow said:

  Well that was delayed.

  I feel special. 
  

  
  
  
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  November 2014

  So sorry to hear this is happening!  I've been there.  It is hard to see a friendship you care about slipping away.  Obviously there is something wacky going on in your friends' life...even if it is just in her own head and she doesn't realize it.  Buying things for a wedding with "one month" guy, who hasn't even proposed is super wackadoodle.

  I doubt any of this has anything to do with you. One of the other PPs mentioned a "quarter life" crisis.  It definitely sounds like some kind of inner unhappiness like that.  She may not even realize she is feeling unfulfilled/unhappy and so keeps telling you everything is "fine".

  My best suggestion is to keep the doors open but, for your own sanity, limit contact with her.  Do more waiting for her to contact you.

  When I was in my early 20s, I had a VERY similar situation to you, except there were no weddings involved.  My BFF met a guy and, at least to me, it looked like a dysfunctional relationship.

  But I never badmouthed him, just tried my best to keep our friendship strong and on course.  However, HE didn't like me and after a few months, my BFF really withdrew.  She kept our conversations short and never wanted to go out anymore.  And really just made me feel like she was mad at me and didn't like me.

  Finally, I'd had enough, and after one of those short, curt phone conversations, I said to myself I wasn't going to initiate another phone call.  She had to call me next.

  And she did...TWO years later.  I kid you not.  Turns out her and the BF had gotten engaged at some point and she had recently ended their relationship because he was physically abusive.  Long story short, she apologized for her treatment of me and we had some good heart-to-hearts and rekindled the friendship.  In fact, we are still friends to this day. ..and all that was over 15 years ago.

  

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