Wedding Party

What to do?

I want to fire two of my three bridesmaids.  I'm not sure if I should, if I am over-reacting, etc.  I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding party over a year ago and they were overjoyed.  They were extremely helpful, adding ideas, just being happy that I am getting married.  In the winter time, I asked them all over for a meeting, which they all came, to help me narrow down the vision and colors.  Next, came their bridesmaids dresses, which they all bought and loved, which was really economical and they all said they would wear it again.  After they purchased their dresses, we had another get together to accessorize them in the spring.  In the summer I asked everyone to come to my house to help make bouquets, which only 4 had to made and one of my bridesmaids told me 1 hour into it that she would not be able to make it because her husband had not come back and she was with their kids.  This surprised me because she RSVPed to this over a month ago and knew it was coming.  The same bridesmaid also helped me pick out my dress, but flaked out on me with the fitting, which she put in her phone when I ordered my dress.

So, not only have I had a flaky bridesmaid, I have also been shunned by them too apparently.  Besides be asking for help and planning for them to come to my house, my two problem bridesmaids have not bother to ask how things are going, if I need help, or even to come a visit.  Now we are all mothers and we all have busy lives, but for the two problem bridesmaids, they have not called or anything in the past 3 months at least, and we all live relatively close to each other.  

I am getting to the point that I would like for them to gracefully bow out of my wedding.  They have not been a friend in the past months.

What would you do in this situation when I am getting married in two months?  What would you say?
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Re: What to do?

  • I was just MOH for a family member, and I learned that you really know who your friends are when planning a wedding.  People's true colors come out when under pressure.  I was just advised by someone who posts here and has over 500 "likes" for good comments that bridesmaids aren't expected to do anything but show up, it is the MOH that does everything and should expect nothing more than a thank you note.  (If I'd known that was the rule, I definitely would NOT have been MOH, lol, but I know for next time, never again.)  Allegedly the bridesmaids get honored just for showing up, they don't have to do anything, they aren't even expected to help plan or give your bridal shower.  If you do pick a super generous, sweet loving MOH, be sure to thank her!  It hurts so much to just be tossed aside after giving so much of myself. 

    But if your wedding is just 2 months away, I would be real with them without hurting their feelings or destroying the friendship.  Tell them straight up you really, really need heir help because wedding planning is so overwhelming, ask if perhaps they could help at a time that works for them.

    I would not destroy the relationship. Real friends are hard to come by.
  • I do have to correct my prior post.  I looked at theknot.com's "duties for bridesmaids" page here:

    http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx

    and it says the bridesmaids DO help with pre-wedding duties and help with the shower, among other things.  But read it for yourself, don't listen to me, I'm overly-sensitive.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    I do have to correct my prior post.  I looked at theknot.com's "duties for bridesmaids" page here:

    http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx

    and it says the bridesmaids DO help with pre-wedding duties and help with the shower, among other things.  But read it for yourself, don't listen to me, I'm overly-sensitive.
    Stick around long enough and you'll see the rest of us rip this post to shreds. This is a post that is meant to fuel the wedding industry bullshit. Do bridesmaids do the things in this article? Sure. Should a bride EXPECT it? NO.
    PrettyGirlLostPineapplePopsicles
  • Thanks, again, Sarah Bear.  I am DEFINITELY not sticking around.  Having my words get ripped to shreds does not sound like fun! 

    I told you I was overly sensitive.  I wonder if the difference is because I'm from a lower socio-economic class?  There's the wealthy part of our family and then there's the rest of us, and I'm in the rest of us.  I've been in just a handful of weddings over the years, less than 5, but each of those were just regular women like me.  And each of those were SO MUCH fun, and all or most of the bridesmaids went shopping with the bride for gowns, we addressed invitations together, helped decorate the hall, have the bridal shower. etc.  It was just fun, and relaxed and we all pitched in wherever we could, sharing the duties. 

    But that was just me and my regular friends.  I understand that the current trend is super fancy weddings (plus this bride is in the fancy part of the family) so I fully admit I am the dupe, the rube, the "non-sophisticate" who expects women to be real and genuine and just be good friends to each other and be there for each other. 

    So thanks for warning me I'm going to get ripped up.  I'll bow out gracefully!
    Mochadia
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Thanks, again, Sarah Bear.  I am DEFINITELY not sticking around.  Having my words get ripped to shreds does not sound like fun! 

    I told you I was overly sensitive.  I wonder if the difference is because I'm from a lower socio-economic class?  There's the wealthy part of our family and then there's the rest of us, and I'm in the rest of us.  I've been in just a handful of weddings over the years, less than 5, but each of those were just regular women like me.  And each of those were SO MUCH fun, and all or most of the bridesmaids went shopping with the bride for gowns, we addressed invitations together, helped decorate the hall, have the bridal shower. etc.  It was just fun, and relaxed and we all pitched in wherever we could, sharing the duties. 

    But that was just me and my regular friends.  I understand that the current trend is super fancy weddings (plus this bride is in the fancy part of the family) so I fully admit I am the dupe, the rube, the "non-sophisticate" who expects women to be real and genuine and just be good friends to each other and be there for each other. 

    So thanks for warning me I'm going to get ripped up.  I'll bow out gracefully!
    I meant that we'd rip the post about bridesmaid duties by The Knot to shreds, not yours. And that's great that you had past experiences that were nice like that. Brides just shouldn't expect the women in their bridal party to do that, regardless of social/economic class. I had 3 women in my wedding party. One traveled for work 95% of the time, one was in the midst of planning her own wedding and had 3 kids, and the other loved 4 hours away. They all had their own lives, and I don't think they were any less genuine because they didn't host showers for me nor did they help with any of he stuff you mentioned.
  • Thank you for all the advice.  The problem is, when I ask them for non wedding related things, they never come...Nor to do they ask me to join anything that they are having.  I've heard of bridesmaids dresses costing over $200...my cost to them was less than $40.   I just thought that bridesmaids were to be more like friends...not like strangers during this whole process.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
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    Mochadia said:
    Thank you for all the advice.  The problem is, when I ask them for non wedding related things, they never come...Nor to do they ask me to join anything that they are having.  I've heard of bridesmaids dresses costing over $200...my cost to them was less than $40.   I just thought that bridesmaids were to be more like friends...not like strangers during this whole process.
    It's possible that for whatever reason, they are distancing themselves from you. Thats fine. If they want to step down, they will. I would still advise against asking them to step down, as that would be the nail in the coffin.
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  • I'm so sorry you are going through that.  I went back and re-read your post, and it sounds like they were really interested in the beginning, but then their interest tapered off.  Perhaps there was a misunderstanding and you didn't realize it when it happened?  There can be SIGNIFICANT relationship-ending misunderstandings when it comes to weddings. 

    If you care about these women, I would give it another try.  I would invite all 3 to a special thank you tea or luncheon in THEIR honor at your home to thank them for what they've done so far and to find out what is going on in their lives.

    It's one afternoon and it's worth a try.  I have only 3 close lifelong friends still living and I would definitely spend one afternoon to try and stay friends. 
    Mochadia
  • Looking more closely over the threads post, I believe that people, including me, needs to realize that it is hard to describe in full account what has happened and what is expected.  One person mentioned have I asked them out without mention of the wedding....yes I have.  I have asked them over to my house, coffee, wine...every time I have been given a no.  They have not asked me out to coffee, dinner, anything since the beginning of the year.

    I do not believe that I have asked them for much, considering that it has been less than 5 hours in the course of year to spend with me to help me with wedding planning.  I would happily do the same for them, even more.  That being said, I guess some people are only expecting to show up to the party and that is a point that I never considered as a bridesmaid.  I always thought that bridesmaids where in a helping position.  But I would also think that even if that was the case that I bridesmaids would at least ask to see how things are coming, but that has not come from them.  

    I happened to find ta dress that they all liked, less than $40, that they would all wear again...after all, knowing what I thought were a bridesmaids duties, I figured I was being a generous bride making sure that it was a dress that they liked, would wear again, and would not break the bank.  Likewise with the flowers, they are carrying them, when I could have just ordered something just for me.  

    I guess the end of it all, is that I am not feeling like they are being good friends or supportive of me at this time.  Which I believe is the biggest part of being a bridesmaid...support...not slave-ship...These are the feelings that gets lost in the original posting because I chose to be brief with the description of the problem..

    Now, hopefully with more clarity, how would one act..considering with these two bridesmaids I have tried to make contact (non-wedding related) for the past few months with no responses?
  • After reading your last post, maybe you should ask them straight up if there's been a misunderstanding.  I would contact each one separately, and with a phone call, not an email or a text, asking if everything is ok in their lives, to make sure all is well, telling them how much you care for them and really hope they still want to be in your wedding, but that you are concerned because you haven't heard from them in months. 

    You HAVE to know if they are going to show up.  Most of the posters here are pretty clear that the BM duties are only to show up sober, so if that is their only duty, you have the right to know if they are going to show up.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    Looking more closely over the threads post, I believe that people, including me, needs to realize that it is hard to describe in full account what has happened and what is expected.  One person mentioned have I asked them out without mention of the wedding....yes I have.  I have asked them over to my house, coffee, wine...every time I have been given a no.  They have not asked me out to coffee, dinner, anything since the beginning of the year.

    I do not believe that I have asked them for much, considering that it has been less than 5 hours in the course of year to spend with me to help me with wedding planning.  I would happily do the same for them, even more.  That being said, I guess some people are only expecting to show up to the party and that is a point that I never considered as a bridesmaid.  I always thought that bridesmaids where in a helping position.  But I would also think that even if that was the case that I bridesmaids would at least ask to see how things are coming, but that has not come from them.  

    I happened to find ta dress that they all liked, less than $40, that they would all wear again...after all, knowing what I thought were a bridesmaids duties, I figured I was being a generous bride making sure that it was a dress that they liked, would wear again, and would not break the bank.  Likewise with the flowers, they are carrying them, when I could have just ordered something just for me.  

    I guess the end of it all, is that I am not feeling like they are being good friends or supportive of me at this time.  Which I believe is the biggest part of being a bridesmaid...support...not slave-ship...These are the feelings that gets lost in the original posting because I chose to be brief with the description of the problem..

    Now, hopefully with more clarity, how would one act..considering with these two bridesmaids I have tried to make contact (non-wedding related) for the past few months with no responses?

    Note to lurkers - this is why you don't ask women to be in your wedding party so early in the engagement. Relationships can change with time. OP, I say just let things chill for a bit. You say that these women have kids ... I imagine they are busy with back-to-school activities. When is your wedding, again?
    MochadiaPrettyGirlLost
  • I get what you are saying...but realistically...if they are not there to support you for the tough planning and prepping part...what are they really supporting you with....not being a run away bride?
  • If they were to even ask if I needed support now...I would say no..I've got it...but they do not even ask...let along call me for anything else...is that a friend? When someone has chosen to not even to say hi in months?
  • in 2 months...Push back...but they cannot even email to ask how things are going? I think that support is important just as much as the wedding day.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    I get what you are saying...but realistically...if they are not there to support you for the tough planning and prepping part...what are they really supporting you with....not being a run away bride?

    They are supporting you as you begin your marriage. They are standing next to you in support of you. Your FI should be helping you with the tough planning and prepping. It's his wedding, too.
    zitiqueenOliveOilsMom
  • Well then who needs a wedding party who is there to support you when they are nothing more than guest?  Like I said...it would be nice to have them check in...not do anything, but check in to see how I am doing.
  • So what is your opinion on when they have not gotten in touch with me for non-wedding related get togethers half the year, even when I have invited them to stuff...the decline, or don't RSVP?
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    If they were to even ask if I needed support now...I would say no..I've got it...but they do not even ask...let along call me for anything else...is that a friend? When someone has chosen to not even to say hi in months?

    It sounds like your relationships with these women has changed for some reason or another. If these women are indeed close to you, I would focus on mending the friendships and leave all wedding talk out of it. You also don't know what is going on in their lives. There is a fair chance there is something going on that you're not aware of.
    Mochadia said:
    in 2 months...Push back...but they cannot even email to ask how things are going? I think that support is important just as much as the wedding day.

    I would just let things chill for now. When you figure out logistics for the wedding day, let them know. I assume you'll be sending invites out soon - they will let you know if they see attending or not. Seriously, OP, go have a margarita and just let this simmer for a bit.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
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    Mochadia said:
    I get what you are saying...but realistically...if they are not there to support you for the tough planning and prepping part...what are they really supporting you with....not being a run away bride?
    That is what your FI is for, after all, he's getting married. And I understand wanting to bounce ideas and get opinions from people, especially your BM's. I talked very often with one of my BM's about design stuff, food options, etc. But I talk to her every day. And I talked about stuff besides wedding with her. And sometimes I even apologized cause I thought I was getting too weddingey. 

    Bridesmaids started out as a way to confuse spirits and keep them from attacking the bride. Almost all traditions start out weird and unrelated to their modern day practice. For me I asked because they were my close friends, and this was a way for them to show their approval of my relationship and support for the change I was making. 


    Mochadia said:
    If they were to even ask if I needed support now...I would say no..I've got it...but they do not even ask...let along call me for anything else...is that a friend? When someone has chosen to not even to say hi in months?
    It sounds like your having issues in your friendship. I would invite them out to lunch, or whatever is normal/doable for you and after some chit chat say "I feel like you've been a bit distant lately. Is everything alright? Have I done something to hurt you?" and go from there. 

    Only ask them to step down if you want to permenatly kill the friendship.

    Good luck.
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    novella1186PrettyGirlLostlevioosa
  • chibiyui said:
    Mochadia said:
    I get what you are saying...but realistically...if they are not there to support you for the tough planning and prepping part...what are they really supporting you with....not being a run away bride?
    That is what your FI is for, after all, he's getting married. And I understand wanting to bounce ideas and get opinions from people, especially your BM's. I talked very often with one of my BM's about design stuff, food options, etc. But I talk to her every day. And I talked about stuff besides wedding with her. And sometimes I even apologized cause I thought I was getting too weddingey. 

    Bridesmaids started out as a way to confuse spirits and keep them from attacking the bride. Almost all traditions start out weird and unrelated to their modern day practice. For me I asked because they were my close friends, and this was a way for them to show their approval of my relationship and support for the change I was making. 


    Mochadia said:
    If they were to even ask if I needed support now...I would say no..I've got it...but they do not even ask...let along call me for anything else...is that a friend? When someone has chosen to not even to say hi in months?
    It sounds like your having issues in your friendship. I would invite them out to lunch, or whatever is normal/doable for you and after some chit chat say "I feel like you've been a bit distant lately. Is everything alright? Have I done something to hurt you?" and go from there. 

    Only ask them to step down if you want to permenatly kill the friendship.

    Good luck.
    Thanks for the advice...I am more likely to put that in an email....I have so much stuff to do that is apparetly declase for me to ask for help from my bridesmaids and they are ok without asking.
  • I guess I am at the point if they are not calling me or accepting my invitations anyway...should I kill the friendship. 

    Thanks for all the posts you guys...I really mean it!  I like to have many opinions to think over before making a decision.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    Well then who needs a wedding party who is there to support you when they are nothing more than guest?  Like I said...it would be nice to have them check in...not do anything, but check in to see how I am doing.

    Nobody really NEEDS one. You can just as legitimately get married without a bridal party. They are more than just guests, though. They are the women (or men) who literally stand by your side on your wedding day. And, yes, it would be nice for them to check in. But they aren't right now. If they aren't accepting your invitations for coffee or anything else, then there isn't much you can do about it. It's disappointing, I bet.
    Mochadia said:
    So what is your opinion on when they have not gotten in touch with me for non-wedding related get togethers half the year, even when I have invited them to stuff...the decline, or don't RSVP?

    I'm not sure what you're asking here. When you invite them to do things, is it clear that the activities are not wedding related? If you have already had "meetings" for them, I could see why they may be a bit distant if you invite them for coffee ... They may think this is another "meeting". Do you have any shared interests? Sports? Theater events? Perhaps if you invite them to go to a baseball game, that would be clearly an outing that would not concern your wedding. 

    As I said before, keep in mind that it is back-to-school time.  You said they are mothers; chances are they are genuinely busy.
    MochadiaPrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomcowgirl8238
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    I guess I am at the point if they are not calling me or accepting my invitations anyway...should I kill the friendship. 

    Thanks for all the posts you guys...I really mean it!  I like to have many opinions to think over before making a decision.
    This is ultimately up to you. I personally wouldn't do this. And, as I said before, I would expect you to reimburse them for the bridesmaid dress if you ask them to step down.
    PrettyGirlLostMochadia
  • Mochadia said:
    Well then who needs a wedding party who is there to support you when they are nothing more than guest?  Like I said...it would be nice to have them check in...not do anything, but check in to see how I am doing.

    Nobody really NEEDS one. You can just as legitimately get married without a bridal party. They are more than just guests, though. They are the women (or men) who literally stand by your side on your wedding day. And, yes, it would be nice for them to check in. But they aren't right now. If they aren't accepting your invitations for coffee or anything else, then there isn't much you can do about it. It's disappointing, I bet.
    Mochadia said:
    So what is your opinion on when they have not gotten in touch with me for non-wedding related get togethers half the year, even when I have invited them to stuff...the decline, or don't RSVP?

    I'm not sure what you're asking here. When you invite them to do things, is it clear that the activities are not wedding related? If you have already had "meetings" for them, I could see why they may be a bit distant if you invite them for coffee ... They may think this is another "meeting". Do you have any shared interests? Sports? Theater events? Perhaps if you invite them to go to a baseball game, that would be clearly an outing that would not concern your wedding. 

    As I said before, keep in mind that it is back-to-school time.  You said they are mothers; chances are they are genuinely busy.
    Yeah I have asked them over the coffees and dinners...nothing.  It has been that way since the beginning of the year.  I realize that we are all busy, but they can barely say hello.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Mochadia said:
    Mochadia said:
    Well then who needs a wedding party who is there to support you when they are nothing more than guest?  Like I said...it would be nice to have them check in...not do anything, but check in to see how I am doing.

    Nobody really NEEDS one. You can just as legitimately get married without a bridal party. They are more than just guests, though. They are the women (or men) who literally stand by your side on your wedding day. And, yes, it would be nice for them to check in. But they aren't right now. If they aren't accepting your invitations for coffee or anything else, then there isn't much you can do about it. It's disappointing, I bet.
    Mochadia said:
    So what is your opinion on when they have not gotten in touch with me for non-wedding related get togethers half the year, even when I have invited them to stuff...the decline, or don't RSVP?

    I'm not sure what you're asking here. When you invite them to do things, is it clear that the activities are not wedding related? If you have already had "meetings" for them, I could see why they may be a bit distant if you invite them for coffee ... They may think this is another "meeting". Do you have any shared interests? Sports? Theater events? Perhaps if you invite them to go to a baseball game, that would be clearly an outing that would not concern your wedding. 

    As I said before, keep in mind that it is back-to-school time.  You said they are mothers; chances are they are genuinely busy.
    Yeah I have asked them over the coffees and dinners...nothing.  It has been that way since the beginning of the year.  I realize that we are all busy, but they can barely say hello.
    You have asked them what over the coffees and dinners?  
    Mochadia
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