Wedding Guest Pay for Their Own Dinner?

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

We are getting married and having only close friends and family (around 25 people) come to our out-of-town wedding. We are going to do a reception/party back home a few weeks later. How do I word in the invitation that guests at the wedding out-of-town have to pay for their own dinner and drinks?

manateehugger · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We are getting married and having only close friends and family (around 25 people) come to our out-of-town wedding. We are going to do a reception/party back home a few weeks later. How do I word in the invitation that guests at the wedding out-of-town have to pay for their own dinner and drinks?

PLEASE don't be serious. You're going to host an out of town event and then you aren't going to feed the people who spend time and money on you to attend?

PLEASE don't do this. It's beyond rude and tacky; your loved ones are traveling to celebrate you getting married. Thank them by offering refreshment. If you can't afford dinner for everyone, have your wedding at a non-mealtime, grab a nice cake somewhere and some fun drinks and call it good.

There is no way to word an invitation like this. Once you invite people, you take on the obligation to provide food and drink.

AddieCake · August 2014

Fuck no.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

You can't. Well, I mean you can, if you want to be rude as all hell.

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

I wasn't expecting responses like this. But thank you for the opinions.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

I wasn't expecting responses like this. But thank you for the opinions.

Just be glad you got these responses from PPs first, rather than having your loved ones react that way!

These are not opinions though, it's an etiquette rule. The host(s) of a wedding MUST feed all of their guests something appropriate to the time of day, whether that's breakfast, brunch, lunch, snacks and cake, dinner, or cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. It is a hard and fast, set in stone, no discussion needed rule. Whether you go out for pizza or a 7 course meal, you are responsible for picking up the tab. If you don't want to feed people, don't invite them to your wedding.

Fran1985 · August 2014

honestly cancel the wedding. You can not have people pay for dinner.

chicky1988 · August 2014

Unfortunately, there really is no way to word an invitation like this. In the eyes of the majority of people it will be considered extremely rude.

That being said, if you gave more details we may be able to give some ideas to help out

You obviously haven't sent out your invites yet, so is the time of the wedding set in stone? What is the time you were thinking? Do you have a $0 budget for food or could you pull together even $150? Where is your ceremony taking place? Where were you planning on dinner taking place? Were you hoping for something to happen after dinner? Dancing?

Budgets are tight for everyone but there are many ways you could tweak your wedding so that guests know what to expect, won't be offended and can enjoy your day. Even just doing cake and punch in the early afternoon is 100% acceptable. If you could pull out $150 you could do a 7pm wedding with DIY light appetizers afterwards. Sams club has awesome deals on veggie plates, throw in some crackers and hard cheeses, maybe some rolls with herb butter (very easy to make) or honey butter and you're set to go.

manateehugger · August 2014

chicky1988 said:

Unfortunately, there really is no way to word an invitation like this. In the eyes of the majority of people it will be considered extremely rude.

That being said, if you gave more details we may be able to give some ideas to help out You obviously haven't sent out your invites yet, so is the time of the wedding set in stone? What is the time you were thinking? Do you have a $0 budget for food or could you pull together even $150? Where is your ceremony taking place? Where were you planning on dinner taking place? Were you hoping for something to happen after dinner? Dancing?

Budgets are tight for everyone but there are many ways you could tweak your wedding so that guests know what to expect, won't be offended and can enjoy your day. Even just doing cake and punch in the early afternoon is 100% acceptable. If you could pull out $150 you could do a 7pm wedding with DIY light appetizers afterwards. Sams club has awesome deals on veggie plates, throw in some crackers and hard cheeses, maybe some rolls with herb butter (very easy to make) or honey butter and you're set to go.

These are great suggestions. My only edit would be to push the ceremony start time to at least 8pm if you aren't going to serve a meal. 7:30 is dinner time.

Seriously though, you could even order in pizza and beer for everyone and that would be fine. Just feed them in a way that's appropriate for the time of day.

chicky1988 · August 2014

manateehugger said:
These are great suggestions. My only edit would be to push the ceremony start time to at least 8pm if you aren't going to serve a meal. 7:30 is dinner time.

Seriously though, you could even order in pizza and beer for everyone and that would be fine. Just feed them in a way that's appropriate for the time of day.

Thanks for the edit! You are 100% right!

OP: If you did that you could do an 8pm ceremony and then on your invites put something like "Punch and light hors d'oeuvres to follow". If you could swing it, you could even throw some mini Swedish meatballs in a crockpot. Guests would love having a protein as an option.

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

We were getting married at 3 p.m. at Big Cedar. (Their elopement package.) Dinner was going to be at the restaurant on site at 5 p.m. and then after we are going to Ernie Biggs Piano Bar to celebrate. Our budget is very small.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

This is one of the worst things I've ever heard. People are driving to spend the time with you to participate in the event you invited them to. If you are going to do that, you pay for their meals. Invite who you can afford to pay for, only. Otherwise, you can truly elope and simply invite them to your party later.

AddieCake · August 2014

It doesn't matter how small your budget is. You either host your guests properly or you don't have guests.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We were getting married at 3 p.m. at Big Cedar. (Their elopement package.) Dinner was going to be at the restaurant on site at 5 p.m. and then after we are going to Ernie Biggs Piano Bar to celebrate. Our budget is very small.

Is this what you're doing? http://www.big-cedar.com/Page/Elope-at-Big-Cedar.aspx

If so, I can't believe that the venue only provides cake, champagne, and dinner for 2 people. Agree with PPs. You need to provide food for your guests. You can just simply have more cake and punch immediately after the wedding, then do dinner and the piano bar by yourself.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We are getting married and having only close friends and family (around 25 people) come to our out-of-town wedding. We are going to do a reception/party back home a few weeks later. How do I word in the invitation that guests at the wedding out-of-town have to pay for their own dinner and drinks?

I probably wouldn't come. Not because I'm cheap or if you were a family member didn't like it.. it's how rude that would sound no matter what way you put it in an invite. I woudln't send out invites.. or if I did I'd say it's to the ceramony only.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

This is chapter 3 in "How to lose friends and alienate people"

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

RachelLee83 said:

show previous quotes

KBrodbeck8 said:

We are getting married and having only close friends and family (around 25 people) come to our out-of-town wedding. We are going to do a reception/party back home a few weeks later. How do I word in the invitation that guests at the wedding out-of-town have to pay for their own dinner and drinks?

I probably wouldn't come. Not because I'm cheap or if you were a family member didn't like it.. it's how rude that would sound no matter what way you put it in an invite. I woudln't send out invites.. or if I did I'd say it's to the ceramony only.

She still needs some form of reception after the ceremony. Cake & punch would be adequate.

chicky1988 · August 2014

Could you push your wedding up to 2? I would assume with you eloping the ceremony will only last 30 min max. You could do cake and punch somewhere (sheet cakes are extremely inexpensive especially for less than 30 ppl). Punch for that few ppl would be $20 at most. Then ppl could enjoy their mini vaca doing dinner on their own and you can have a romantic meal with your new husband. I would talk to your MOH or someone important, have them share, by word of mouth only, that you and your husband are going to the piano bar later that night (after mealtimes) and anyone is invited to join you. Don't put it on the invites or anything formal because then it goes back to the original etiquette, where you would be expected to pay for drinks etc.

ShesSoCold · August 2014

OP, I know the responses probably seem harsh but they are correct. It is very poor taste to invite people to an event that you should be hosting and ask them to pay for anything. I don't know when your wedding is, but if you can't/don't want to change locations, please save the money to pay for your guests' meals. Cancel your cable, eat ramen noodles - whatever. If you're willing to move to a different location, it may be cheaper to feed your guests.

cafarrie · August 2014

I understand, OP that you don't have a large budget for your OOT wedding, but were you planning to host the "party/celebration" back home a few weeks later? To me, it doesn't really make sense to get married OOT, not pay for your guests, and then host a party lots of other people shortly after?

Can't you do one or the other so that you can afford to fully host those guests that you invite to celebrate with you?

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

We can't change anything really. We already have sent in the contract and paid.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

cafarrie said:

I understand, OP that you don't have a large budget for your OOT wedding, but were you planning to host the "party/celebration" back home a few weeks later? To me, it doesn't really make sense to get married OOT, not pay for your guests, and then host a party lots of other people shortly after?

Can't you do one or the other so that you can afford to fully host those guests that you invite to celebrate with you?

This.

Cancel the party back home and use that money to pay for your OOT wedding and to feed your guests that you are inviting.

chicky1988 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We can't change anything really. We already have sent in the contract and paid.

To the bolded part, what is in your contract? If the link above was correct, then the only thing you really couldn't change is the time. I would think that a 3pm 30 min wedding with cake and punch afterward then expecting guests to be released by 4:30/5 would be better than having them pay for their own meals. Just my opinion, others may disagree.

It doesn't hurt to ask though if you can move it up

An option for cake and punch, if you can't afford to pay the resorts pricing would be to see how much it would be to rent a conference room or meeting room to have the cake and punch. Get a cake from a local store and have fruit punch with sierra mist, ginger ale, and pinapple juice (always a winner).

$$ seems to be the biggest intimidation for you at this point. Get creative

I agree w/ PPs ideas about canceling cable, eat ramen, sell some stuff on craigslist or a local FB site, heck, even refinance your car if you can. I know going into debt for a wedding isn't the answer BUT its all about priorities

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

I guess I don't look at it that way because I think you are just paying for one day. What difference does it make if we pay for guest/don't if we are still reaching the end result of being married? Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love? I think the focus should be more on the love we have for one another as opposed to the dollar amount spent.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

I guess I don't look at it that way because I think you are just paying for one day. What difference does it make if we pay for guest/don't if we are still reaching the end result of being married? Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love? I think the focus should be more on the love we have for one another as opposed to the dollar amount spent.

Then you should elope and not invite anyone to anything.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

I guess I don't look at it that way because I think you are just paying for one day. What difference does it make if we pay for guest/don't if we are still reaching the end result of being married? Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love? I think the focus should be more on the love we have for one another as opposed to the dollar amount spent.

Sounds like your solution is simple. Don't invite anyone, and have a true elopement.

You DON'T need a big, expensive party. You DO need to somehow host your guests. You can simply have cake and punch after your wedding. Easy peasy. Just provide them with something.

Jen4948 · August 2014

Sorry, but you should never expect your guests to pay for their hospitality. It doesn't matter whether it's a wedding or just a day out. YOU invited them. YOU pay for them. YOU don't expect them to open their wallets. I would decline any invitation I got from you saying that I had to pay my own way. I'd be willing to bet you'll lose a lot of relationships with such a hostile, ungenerous attitude towards people YOU are inviting to share YOUR special occasion. Why the hell should they take the time, money, and resources out of their lives to obtain appropriate attire, a gift for you, and the costs of travel and/or local transportation to your wedding if you're going to take an attitude of "Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love?" You're not showing your guests that you give even a fuck about them by expecting them to pay their own way. If all you want is to start the rest of your life with the one you love (and this attitude makes it clear that he and you are the only ones you love), you don't need ANY guests at your wedding.

ShesSoCold · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

I guess I don't look at it that way because I think you are just paying for one day. What difference does it make if we pay for guest/don't if we are still reaching the end result of being married? Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love? I think the focus should be more on the love we have for one another as opposed to the dollar amount spent.

Your wedding is a hosted event. Therefore you need to HOST it by paying for things. You wouldn't invite people to your house for dinner and ask that they give you $5 for the chicken you're serving. At least I would hope not.

If you absolutely cannot afford to feed 25 people, please have a private ceremony.

ETA: If the end result is all you care about and not the party, then PLEASE, have a private ceremony. The dollar amount doesn't matter, it's the fact that you're inviting people to an event and then not hosting them properly. You don't have to spend any money at all - you could easily host 25 people in your backyard with food you made from your pantry.

manateehugger · August 2014

I vote truly have a private ceremony (and this place looks beautiful and romantic) and keep the party at home.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

And FYI, if you do choose to have a completely private wedding (elopement) then that means you don't get to have any showers or bachelorette parties or anything of that nature.

Kate61487 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:
I guess I don't look at it that way because I think you are just paying for one day. What difference does it make if we pay for guest/don't if we are still reaching the end result of being married? Having a wedding is just a big elaborate party. Why do I need a big expensive party to celebrate starting the rest of my life with the one I love? I think the focus should be more on the love we have for one another as opposed to the dollar amount spent.

You're absolutely right that the only thing that matters at the end if the day is you two being married; so don't invite anyone. Elope, for real.

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