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Rant- Insults

pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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edited August 2014 in Chit Chat
I am so frustrated and pissed. I cannot even find the words. I went to my draft thing tonight (not the one at the bar. only online tonight) and the guys there are a bunch of FIs friends. They kept calling players "faggots" and "gay" which was really pissing me off. I would think that at this day and age people would know that gay isn't an insult, but rather just an orientation! (ETA: changed from ? to !, typo)

Am I crazy to think this is super insulting?

I was talking to FI and while we rarely fight, we got into a huge one about this. One that is seriously making me question who he is and wonder if he is trying to be tough and stick up for his buddies or if he truly doesn't have any compassion for people. 

He compared using gay as an insult to using "idiot" or "jerk" as an insult, stating just like there are gays in the world, there are idiots, ass holes, and jerks in the world. I seriously wonder if he really feels that way or if he was just super drunk? (I don't know, we are long distance and he went to the bar, so very possible). Not that it is an excuse to act like a total and utter ass hole (IMO). I said that those words already had negative connotations and were considered insults, but are clearly not kind words to use. I said I thought that using gay as an insult was closer to using retard as an insult, which is clearly not kosher either. I told him that he had to see how they were different and that it wasn't ok.

Am I just crazy here? I know I don't speak for anyone and I'm straight, so I guess I don't know how the gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc people in the world feel about it, and maybe I'm waaay off base. But I would think that if we used straight, black, Hispanic, etc. as an insult people would be unhappy.  

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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    CMGragain said:
    There are many words that are unacceptable in society.  They include racial slurs, sexual slurs, and references to physical disabilities.  Anyone who violates this is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.  So is anyone who defends such behavior.
    That was my thought. Super frustrated. To be fair to my FI, he never uses any of these words. But why the hell does is he defending them?  I was so angry I was shaking. I was beyond talking reasonably. 

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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    doeydo said:
    I'm bi, and it is incredibly rude and hurtful to use "gay" or "faggot" as an insult to someone.  People don't choose to be LGBT, they just are, and there is nothing fucking wrong with that.  Jerks, on the other hand, are rude assholes who choose to behave like, well, jerks.  Does your FI think it is OK to use the N word as an insult?  No?  Because it is a horrible, derogatory word that bigots use and have used for who knows how long and because of all the things black people have gone through over that time?  Oh, kind of like "faggot" for LGBT people then.
    Exactly my point. I am beyond angry.  And I have no clue if he was defending the words or just trying to defend his asshole friends (to be clear, he never has used such words).

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    bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
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    Agreed with @CMGragain‌. Using racial/homophobic slurs is NEVER okay. Growing up I saw this happen a lot, usually the person doesn't think what they said was wrong. They honestly don't know any better, or they just go along with it to be "cool". I normally speak up and try to explain why replacing gay for stupid is wrong. Whatever the reason, maybe your FI grew up with people who never thought this was wrong but you did the right thing by discussing it.
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    bride2b71614 I wish he would have been more open to listening to me. We will be revisiting this though.

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    raissyraisraissyrais member
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    I don't like it when people around say things like that either. Like CM say, you wouldn't use racist slurs. It is quite insulting and unnecessary to use such language. But sometimes, under peer pressure, people will mimic traits/language etc so as to be more part of the pack. And men unfortunately tend to do that when they're all together having some fun. They just don't realise sometimes that it can be hurtful. 
     I also get offended when people say : "you're being such a pu***". But that's something else on its own. 
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    I agree with all of you and thank you for letting me vent. Normally I'd talk to my BFF/MOH about such things, but apparently she still isn't answering her phone/email/texts/facebook. So I just needed to vent. I will address this with FI again, and I just talked to the league leader and the ringleader of that gang via facebook (in a very respectful manner) about how that made me uncomfortable. So hopefully that goes somewhere. If he tells them to knock it off, they will.   

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    Junebug2015Junebug2015 member
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    I just had a conversation with FI and one of his friends about this exact topic. FI's friend basically confronted his entire fantasy group and told them to cut it out with the homophobic slurs because his brother is gay. The other guys were completely understanding and agreed to stop. The unfortunate thing is that these phrases are so ingrained in some people's vocabulary that they don't think twice about using them. The only way to combat that is to stand up to people and point out to them how inappropriate it is. Sometimes that's enough to get others to change. Sometimes it's not. But staying silent on the topic is just as bad as using the words yourself, IMO.
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    Junebug2015 said:

    I just had a conversation with FI and one of his friends about this exact topic. FI's friend basically confronted his entire fantasy group and told them to cut it out with the homophobic slurs because his brother is gay. The other guys were completely understanding and agreed to stop.

    The unfortunate thing is that these phrases are so ingrained in some people's vocabulary that they don't think twice about using them. The only way to combat that is to stand up to people and point out to them how inappropriate it is. Sometimes that's enough to get others to change. Sometimes it's not. But staying silent on the topic is just as bad as using the words yourself, IMO.

    Exactly why I said something and why I fought with FI about saying something


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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I'm honestly horrified when I hear someone use the "f" word. I don't hear it often. I was out a few weeks ago and some fucking ignorant dickhead said it. I honestly can't believe that people even still use that word. It's disgusting.
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    He has the worst rationalization for it. Yeah, there are gay people in the world, just like there are jerks and assholes. But you didn't accuse him of calling someone some mythical creature that doesn't exist. Jerks and assholes are bad things. Putting it in those terms means they think being gay is a bad thing. It's not like they were accusing people of being paper clips or alligators. "HAHA, I called you something you're not!" Nice try. No.
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    scribe95 said:
    Ask him if he could be comfortable if he buddies used the N word in the same way. He will say no. And then ask him to explain why it's different - both are slurs for a specific group of people. 


    Ehhh I'd be careful with this. He may just use the same rationalization that "as long as they're not that thing, it's ok to call them that thing."

    He needs to understand that you can't take the name of ANY group and use it as a pejorative. You wouldn't call someone a frickin' Protestant, so you shouldn't call them a Jew as an insult. You wouldn't call someone a damn hetero, so don't call them gay as an insult. 

    Ask him if he'd be ok with his friends calling each other your first name as an insult to each other. "Way to pick up a kicker in the third round, you fuckin' Jennifer." "That RB pulled such a Jennifer move in the playoffs last year, I'm not drafting his Jennifer ass." Or whatever your name is. He'd punch them in the face, right? Because you're someone he loves and respects, you shouldn't be used as an insult. Someone out there is just as hurt and offended by them calling each other gay.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    Wow. Using gay as an insult is absolutely not okay. His rationalization is bullshit and if it's even possible makes it more offensive! This isn't something I would let drop (and it doesn't sounds like you are going to). I'd be very uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who used language so offensive and then tried to justify it when confronted with it. For me, it would be a deal breaker if something didn't change.


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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    DH has a friend who speaks like that It really bothered me. DH stood up for me and told his friend that language is not acceptable around me. This friend immediately stopped saying that kind of stuff around me. We live OOT from each other, but when we do get together he might say something, but quickly says "I'm sorry Lynda, I forgot you don't like that kind of language" and then never says it again for the rest of the stay. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It bothers me to know he uses that kind of language when not around me, but overall he is a good friend to DH.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    When I witness it, I calmly ask, "Why would you say that?" Usually I have to respond to whatever they say with, "Well, it's not funny," or, "It's not nice, at all."

    You know what's appalling? Looking back at some of our favorite 80's or 90's movies where calling something gay was prevalent.  It's cringeworthy now. 

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    timewellwasted93timewellwasted93 member
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    I made the mistake once of calling something gay. I was 13 or 14 I think, and at a friend's house. Her sister has some pretty big mental issues, so I thought really hard not to say "that's retarded!" about some ridiculous thing that happened. Unfortunately, my brain immediately went "that's gay!" It was bad enough to say that, but I had forgotten her parents are gay. And they over heard me. I got such a talking too, and I was so embarrassed and just felt terrible. I had to work so hard to stop using terms like that. It was just something I was used to hearing, and had never thought too hard on how it would make other people feel, until they told me. 
    Now I'm working on getting my brother to stop. He's 13 and apparently thinks it's cool to say those things. He also plays online xbox and the people he plays with are even fouler. 
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    KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
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    It amazes me that adults exist in this day and age who really think it's cool to use gay slurs.

    Kids, I get. My whole school went through a phase, and you'd better believe the adults laid down the law. But grown men and women?

    And given that these types of adult idiots exist, and speak this way among their friends, it is amazing to me that they think it's okay to say this shit in mixed company. Most shitheads at least know not to be overt about their shitheadery with people they don't know all that well. Like, everyone gets the message that they are, in fact, shitheads pretty quickly even without hate speech, but even morons typically know not to broadcast it with obvious shit.
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    bethsmiles said:

    Wow. Using gay as an insult is absolutely not okay. His rationalization is bullshit and if it's even possible makes it more offensive! This isn't something I would let drop (and it doesn't sounds like you are going to). I'd be very uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who used language so offensive and then tried to justify it when confronted with it. For me, it would be a deal breaker if something didn't change.


    Time out. He didn't use the language and would never, he was defending his friends that did. I have never heard him ever say anything derogatory. Full stop. Fi is the nicest guy and I hace never heard bad language from him. His classmates are ass holes.


    I'm going to talk to him today further. I'm thinking at this point that he knows they are wrong but didn't like feeling like his friends were under attack from me. We have had those discussions, I'm not a huge fan of these guys to begin with and I know he doesn't like me ragging on them, so I wonder if his initial reaction was to defend without thought. He is a little that way so I could see him realizing how bad that was today when he has cooled down and realizes that I wasn't just attacking to attack.

    I promise my fi is generally a good guy which is why I was shocked at him defending them, it was out of character so I really wonder how much of it was "I need to defend my friends" vs "I actually believe what they are doing is right". I don't know if that makes sense, but I'll update after I talk to him.

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    pinkshorts27 said:
    I am so frustrated and pissed. I cannot even find the words. I went to my draft thing tonight (not the one at the bar. only online tonight) and the guys there are a bunch of FIs friends. They kept calling players "faggots" and "gay" which was really pissing me off. 
    I literally have not heard someone use this word in person since I was in 8th grade. Just wow. 

    Some people... I genuinely wonder what deprived world they live in. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    edited August 2014

    Ok so it's not the best video out there but it was the easiest to find. This is from the movie Hit and Run and does an excellent job as to why using fag or gay as an insult is shitty. Even if you're the most liberal pro-homo person. It's shitty. 

    Plus look Kristen Bell being adorable with adorable Dax Shepard. Aw adorable.
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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    Just for reference..there is no way I could take someone seriously if they called their purse the N word....because first I hate that word...and second, its the most ridiculous thing EVER
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    How do you know he doesn't say those things too, but doesn't say it around you?
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    AguaEauAguaEau member
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    Coming out of lurkdom because I wanted to share this video about using the word "gay" as an insult. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZwcnxdz5lQ I work with teenagers and that's one of the few things they say that will cause me to lose my shit on them.
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    doeydo said:

    How do you know he doesn't say those things too, but doesn't say it around you?

    I would guess that in the 13 years that I've known him and the 7.5 yeard we have been together that I would have heard it. His insults (joking) about sports players are about how they are wearing the wrong brand/color/type of cleats or how slow they are or butterfingers, etc. Because he didn't know I felt so strongly about it so he wouldn't have hid it. Because fi is shy and he is more himself around me than anyone else. He is more likely to say things around me.

    Honestly, in all of our time together I've never heard anyone we know speak like that because it just isn't done.

    I should clarify that he was justifying it from their point of view "they don't mean it that way and well they view it as a word to say like this..." not that he views it as a word to say like this. I still think it is bullshit and however he tried to justify his friends is bullshit, but I know that fi does not speak that way about or to people. I'm still going to revisit it with him because we need to be united on not accepting that type of language.

    Actually, I don't know if these guys knew they were in mixed company. I was not at the party, but they were typing these things in the forum so they might not have known who I was. My SN wasn't femine and I only know three of the guys on the team and it was one guy I know and dislike and one guy I didn't know.

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    KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
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    pinkshorts27 said:
    How do you know he doesn't say those things too, but doesn't say it around you?
    I would guess that in the 13 years that I've known him and the 7.5 yeard we have been together that I would have heard it. His insults (joking) about sports players are about how they are wearing the wrong brand/color/type of cleats or how slow they are or butterfingers, etc. Because he didn't know I felt so strongly about it so he wouldn't have hid it. Because fi is shy and he is more himself around me than anyone else. He is more likely to say things around me. Honestly, in all of our time together I've never heard anyone we know speak like that because it just isn't done. I should clarify that he was justifying it from their point of view "they don't mean it that way and well they view it as a word to say like this..." not that he views it as a word to say like this. I still think it is bullshit and however he tried to justify his friends is bullshit, but I know that fi does not speak that way about or to people. I'm still going to revisit it with him because we need to be united on not accepting that type of language. Actually, I don't know if these guys knew they were in mixed company. I was not at the party, but they were typing these things in the forum so they might not have known who I was. My SN wasn't femine and I only know three of the guys on the team and it was one guy I know and dislike and one guy I didn't know.
    Ah, I missed the part where you were on a forum, not IRL. Your FI's friends are still douchebags though.
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