No bridesmaid SOs invited to Rehearsal Dinner?

JBee85 · August 2014

Hi I posted awhile ago about possibly not making a friend's rehearsal dinner. Now it turns out that I can make it. I am a bridesmaid
I am currently confused and baffled on this. My friend is having a large wedding and has a total of 7 bridesmaids. One of us is married, three others (MOH included) are dating, and I'm engaged. The bride has told two of the bridesmaids who are dating that they could not bring their SOs to the wedding because her guest list has reached the venue's capacity. They were reasonably upset, but some how managed to put it behind them (if it were me I'd drop out of the wedding party).
A few days ago she sent out a Facebook message to us about the rehearsal. It is a couple of weeks away. She worded that "with those who have exceptions and I have spoken to, no one else can bring their SOs to the rehearsal." I was confused by this and texted her if my fiancé was invited. We were both planning to attend and my fiancé asked to get off early from work to attend. She finally told me and said she was so sorry that I could not bring my fiancé because of funding? I was very confused and am one of the two bridesmaids who are in serious committed relationships, yet apparently exceptions were given to others? What gives?

I looked all over online to see if what the bride did was inconsiderate, but there are mixed reviews. What does this community say? She is also in my bridal party, I am getting married two months after her wedding and was planning to invite her husband to come to the rehearsal dinner (my bridal party is allowed to bring their plus ones to the rehearsal AND wedding). My mom thinks I should not invite her husband to the rehearsal dinner after she did this to me, but I don't want to come off passive aggressive.

photokitty · August 2014

I would not attend the rehearsal. You know how to walk down an aisle I bet without attending the rehearsal.

Don't stoop to her level, invite her husband to the wedding and rehearsal. Two wrongs don't make a right. Be the bigger person when you have the power. When she holds the cards, decline her rude invitation that excludes your significant other.

ETA ~ if your FI is now uninvited to the wedding I would drop out. I don't think you'll have to worry about inviting her husband to your RD if that's the case, sure her rude butt will drop out of yours in turn. GL!

JoanE2012 · August 2014

I would decline any invite where my significant other was not invited. If she asks why you're not coming, you can tell her the truth.

NYCMercedes · August 2014

Decline the RD and even the rehearsal. Don't change your plans to invite her H to your RD, as that's petty and you're better than that. She was extremely rude. If you can be calm and nice, not like me, tell her why you're declining. I just can't believe your H isn't invited to the wedding!

JBee85 · August 2014

missax said:

show previous quotes
This sounds like she said he's not invited to the wedding. If she did indeed mean the wedding, I would drop out so fast her head would spin. If she meant to say rehearsal dinner then I'd skip it altogether & stay in the wedding but i'd question if the friendship should continue.

Wow, question my friendship with her? Is it really that serious to go to that level? Idk. He is definitely invited to the wedding, but NOT to the rehearsal dinner. When she meant exceptions, I thought she was talking about people like my fiancé and I.

lyndausvi · August 2014

Did you RSVP to the wedding? I would think the RSVP would allow your FI attend at least the wedding.

If he is not invited to the RD I would just skip the dinner.

Jen4948 · August 2014

I would decline to attend the rehearsal dinner.

If he's also not invited to the wedding, then I think you should reconsider your "friendship" with this person. It is not reasonable of her to expect you to celebrate her relationship when she fails to properly acknowledge yours.

JBee85 · August 2014

Sorry for the typo. I meant rehearsal. >.>

JellyBean52513 · August 2014

To answer your question, OP, yes it is rude of her to not extend an invitation to your SO with regard to the RD. The two of you are a social unit and yall should be regarded and treated as such. This goes for the bridesmaids in dating relationships as well.

As to the comments about you questioning your friendship... well, yes, to some people it IS that serious to not invite someone's SO to an event. That type of behavior illustrates how little the person regards your relationship, as if it should be no big deal for you to attend an event without them. And hey, maybe it is no big deal to you, but the fact that you came here asking about it says it might just be rubbing you the wrong way, and that's for a good reason.

I have more to say to provide a little more context but im using someone's phone that I'm REALLY unfamiliar with, and typing is very arduous.

banana468 · August 2014

I wouldn't go to a social event that deliberately excludes my SO. And if asked I'd say that I'm not going to attend because he isn't welcome. My dear friends wouldn't put me in that position and those that would do so would find out that my life partner comes first every time.

lyndausvi · August 2014

oh and 2 wrongs to not make a right. Do not stoop to her level. Invite her husband to both events.

jenajjthr · August 2014

I was going to make a comment about dropping out of the wedding and ending the friendship but you clarified your typing mistake.

I would go to the rehearsal, but decline the dinner. Yes you know how to walk and day of other bridesmaids can tell you where to stand, but this is where you show you are the better person and at least show up and rehearse. Then pull her aside and let her know that you won't be able to make it to the dinner since your SO was not invited. When she gets all upset and dares to say how rude you are to you, you reply that when a couple who is getting ready to celebrate their love and commitment can't respect the love and commitment of other couples and invite SO's, that is where you draw the line. It's rude and you will be going out to dinner/home with your FI.

mrscaty · August 2014

I agree with @lyndasvithat 2 wrongs don't make a right. You have every reason to be upset with her for not inviting your FH, especially if she has made exceptions for others in "less serious relationships" (but seriously, who is she to judge, ugh), but her hubby should still get an invite to both. I would go to the rehearsal but decline the dinner. Boo on her for breaking up social units. This is the consequence of that.

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

jenajjthr said:

I was going to make a comment about dropping out of the wedding and ending the friendship but you clarified your typing mistake.

I would go to the rehearsal, but decline the dinner. Yes you know how to walk and day of other bridesmaids can tell you where to stand, but this is where you show you are the better person and at least show up and rehearse. Then pull her aside and let her know that you won't be able to make it to the dinner since your SO was not invited. When she gets all upset and dares to say how rude you are to you, you reply that when a couple who is getting ready to celebrate their love and commitment can't respect the love and commitment of other couples and invite SO's, that is where you draw the line. It's rude and you will be going out to dinner/home with your FI.

Don't do it at the rehearsal. Tell her you are not attending the dinner prior to the rehearsal. She may be expecting you to come and have already paid for you if you already indicated you were coming.

I know she is in the wrong, but don't be rude back. Even though you have a legitimate complaint, don't complain to the bride the weekend of her wedding.

JBee85 · August 2014

I want to thank you ladies so much for your replies and suggestions on what to say to her. This site has been very helpful to me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting or causing drama to her plans. As it is I had some head butting during her bachelorette party and am trying to carefully watch what I do for here. I think I got everything I need here.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I would let her know you won't be making it to the dinner because you would will be having a hot date with your FI.

Then go have a hot date with your FI.

themosthappy91 · August 2014

I'm dying to know what she says when you (hopefully) decline to attend the rehearsal dinner (especially if you go ahead and tell her why)! Come back and tell us how it goes

. And good luck!

AddieCake · August 2014

I would go to the rehearsal and then go home, skipping the dinner.

lurkergirl · August 2014

JBee85 said:

I want to thank you ladies so much for your replies and suggestions on what to say to her. This site has been very helpful to me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting or causing drama to her plans. As it is I had some head butting during her bachelorette party and am trying to carefully watch what I do for here. I think I got everything I need here.

She sounds pleasant.

I would echo other pp in that you can decline the RD, or like Addie said, just go to the rehearsal and skip the dinner. I would also be honest and tell her why.

Then, when it's your wedding, you just kill her with kindness! Having her husband invited and involved sends a much more meaningful message than stooping to her level and playing childish games. If it were a competition, you would win with proper etiquette!

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

AddieCake said:
I would go to the rehearsal and then go home, skipping the dinner.

This is probably what I'd do too.

JBee85 · August 2014

My response caused some strife between her and a couple bridesmaids. The bride told me she is having over 30 people at the RD because they have extended invites to nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc who are NOT APART of the ceremony. Their reason is because both the bride and groom have large families who are coming from out of town and they don't want to exclude them. I understand not wanting to exclude them because of the distance, but they aren't apart of the ceremony. At my RD my aunt from North Carolina and my FI's aunt, uncle and cousins from NY aren't invited to ours since they have no role in the ceremony. I was under the impression RDs are reserved for people who are in the ceremony and include their SOs. I didn't say this to her to avoid an argument. And technically I am from out of state.

One bridesmaid sided with me and said she plans to do the same- come to the rehearsal and skip the dinner. Then two bridesmaids (ones I don't get along with) AND the bride started saying how immature I was for declining the invite to the dinner, how I am not supporting the bride (really? I spent over $400 to be apart of her wedding) , and that I "needed to understand" why my FI could not attend because of the amount of people coming to the RD and budget. I asked the bride how she would of felt if I told her that her husband could not come, but she said she would be "disappointed, but respectfully understand."

Not sure what else to do here, but my inner gut is saying to stand my ground.

May14TXbride · August 2014

Definitely stand your ground. It is perfectly acceptable for her to invite out of town guests to the RD, but not at the expense of treating you and the other bridal party members and SO's this way.

banana468 · August 2014

I'd stand your ground. Just because she has some lemmings following her doesn't mean you need to be one of them.

pinkshorts27 · August 2014

JBee85 said:
My response caused some strife between her and a couple bridesmaids. The bride told me she is having over 30 people at the RD because they have extended invites to nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc who are NOT APART of the ceremony. Their reason is because both the bride and groom have large families who are coming from out of town and they don't want to exclude them. I understand not wanting to exclude them because of the distance, but they aren't apart of the ceremony. At my RD my aunt from North Carolina and my FI's aunt, uncle and cousins from NY aren't invited to ours since they have no role in the ceremony. I was under the impression RDs are reserved for people who are in the ceremony and include their SOs. I didn't say this to her to avoid an argument. And technically I am from out of state.

One bridesmaid sided with me and said she plans to do the same- come to the rehearsal and skip the dinner. Then two bridesmaids (ones I don't get along with) AND the bride started saying how immature I was for declining the invite to the dinner, how I am not supporting the bride (really? I spent over $400 to be apart of her fucking wedding) , and that I "needed to understand" why my FI could not attend because of the amount of people coming to the RD and budget. I asked the bride how she would of felt if I told her that her husband could not come, but she said she would be "disappointed, but respectfully understand."

Not sure what else to do here, but my inner gut is saying to stand my ground.

Stand your ground, don't let her bully you into going. I dont know how attending a stupid dinner is supporting her anyways. Tell her your FI put in for time off and so you are supporting him by spending that time with him

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

This woman sounds awful!

PhoneCardLady · August 2014

Ok, what I'd like to know is where does it say that you have to have/give a rehearsal dinner?

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

What a peach.

I'd decline. Betcha a dollar she b-lists someone else into the dinner to fill your spot.

Nymeru · August 2014

Absolutely stand your ground. If she's willing to invite only some of the BM's SO, but yours isn't one of them, then you and your FI are being disrespected. Out of curiosity, are the bridesmaids who are calling you immature the ones whose SOs are allowed to come to the RD?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

PhoneCardLady said:
Ok, what I'd like to know is where does it say that you have to have/give a rehearsal dinner?

Having a rehearsal is never actually neccessary. Its not tgat hard to figure out how to walk down an aisle.

However, if you are requiring ppl to take time out of their day to rehearse your ceremony, then you need to host them by hosting a rehearsal dinner.

The only ppl that you are required to host at the dinner are those who are actually participating directly in your ceremony and who just attended the rehearsal. Many ppl like to include out of town guests, but I think it's unnecessary and becomes ridiculous if the majority of your guest list is OOT, because at that point you are having a reception prior to your actual wedding and reception.

If you don't want to/ can't afford the dinner, then don't have a rehearsal.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Stand your ground. I'm sorry she's treating you this way.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

What a crappy friend. Stand your ground on this for sure.

No bridesmaid SOs invited to Rehearsal Dinner?

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