Bachelorette Party No Shows - How to cover costs

dionnewedding1 · August 2014

So I just came back from my OOT weekend party where my bridesmaid who planned it all originally booked a suite room fit for 8 people. RSVPs were 10, so my bridesmaid figured we could squeeze 2 extra people in, no problem. When I find out that 2 of my friends (who are sisters, 1 of which is a BFF) didn't RSVP, I immediately contacted them to find out if they planned on going. Both said yes & contacted my bridesmaid right away to let her know. Now that the head count was at 12 people, my bridesmaid decided to book a 2nd room so everyone would be a little more comfortable. So the day me & my entourage head up to our destination, I contacted my 2 friends to get the scoop on their situation. They said they would meet us there, so I told them to let me know their status on arriving when they found out. Well, 1-2 hrs later, we arrive to our destination. Shortly thereafter, I call my BFF to see where they're at.....no answer. I text her & her sister, and not long after I get a response from the sister saying they aren't able to come......apparently something happened to my BFF's babysitter, so she couldn't come anymore & the sister couldn't drive up alone due a foot injury. All that said, my bridesmaid mentioned that she's now out $120 because of their no-show.

So my question is, do I say something to my BFF & her sister? Do I ask them to reimburse my bridesmaid? Obviously I don't want my bridesmaid to feel like she's "out-of-pocket" $120 & I do feel it's wrong of my friends to have RSVP'd yes then bailed because of unforeseen circumstances. So, any advice???

lurkergirl · August 2014

dionnewedding1 said:

So I just came back from my OOT weekend party where my bridesmaid who planned it all originally booked a suite room fit for 8 people. RSVPs were 10, so my bridesmaid figured we could squeeze 2 extra people in, no problem. When I find out that 2 of my friends (who are sisters, 1 of which is a BFF) didn't RSVP, I immediately contacted them to find out if they planned on going. Both said yes & contacted my bridesmaid right away to let her know. Now that the head count was at 12 people, my bridesmaid decided to book a 2nd room so everyone would be a little more comfortable. So the day me & my entourage head up to our destination, I contacted my 2 friends to get the scoop on their situation. They said they would meet us there, so I told them to let me know their status on arriving when they found out. Well, 1-2 hrs later, we arrive to our destination. Shortly thereafter, I call my BFF to see where they're at.....no answer. I text her & her sister, and not long after I get a response from the sister saying they aren't able to come......apparently something happened to my BFF's babysitter, so she couldn't come anymore & the sister couldn't drive up alone due a foot injury. All that said, my bridesmaid mentioned that she's now out $120 because of their no-show.

So my question is, do I say something to my BFF & her sister? Do I ask them to reimburse my bridesmaid? Obviously I don't want my bridesmaid to feel like she's "out-of-pocket" $120 & I do feel it's wrong of my friends to have RSVP'd yes then bailed because of unforeseen circumstances. So, any advice???

Well, these issues seem to be the result of poor planning. Your bridesmaid who hosted the party should have already asked and established budgets with the other girls.

Honestly, I really don't think people who didn't go should have to pay for a room they didn't use. Your bridesmaid didn't have to book the room; she could have let them do it on their own. Or at least communicated the details and cost ahead of time.

Unfortunately, I think it's just too late for anyone to do anything at this point.

edit: double quote

Maggie0829 · August 2014

missax said:
First things first, did the BMs who organized this weekend bachelorette ask for everyones room budget beforehand or did they book everything and tell them what they owed?

This. And if I were you I would just stay out of it and let the BM who organized deal with things.

photokitty · August 2014

Since you took it upon yourself to call them after the RSVP deadline, this should have been handled by the MOH who could have worked out the details and gone over costs, I think you should pay their portion.

Did you clearly tell them what the financial responsibility was? They might not have realized there was a cost involve. Or they couldn't afford it - This might be why they never RSVPed, and then when you called them they were to embarrassed to say they couldn't afford to go.

If it was me, I would pay for them bc I had inserted myself in the planning process. It sucks, but you should have let your MOH handle all the RVSPs so she could get money in advance from all those planning to attend.

dionnewedding1 said:

So I just came back from my OOT weekend party where my bridesmaid who planned it all originally booked a suite room fit for 8 people. RSVPs were 10, so my bridesmaid figured we could squeeze 2 extra people in, no problem. When I find out that 2 of my friends (who are sisters, 1 of which is a BFF) didn't RSVP, I immediately contacted them to find out if they planned on going. Both said yes & contacted my bridesmaid right away to let her know. Now that the head count was at 12 people, my bridesmaid decided to book a 2nd room so everyone would be a little more comfortable. So the day me & my entourage head up to our destination, I contacted my 2 friends to get the scoop on their situation. They said they would meet us there, so I told them to let me know their status on arriving when they found out. Well, 1-2 hrs later, we arrive to our destination. Shortly thereafter, I call my BFF to see where they're at.....no answer. I text her & her sister, and not long after I get a response from the sister saying they aren't able to come......apparently something happened to my BFF's babysitter, so she couldn't come anymore & the sister couldn't drive up alone due a foot injury. All that said, my bridesmaid mentioned that she's now out $120 because of their no-show.

So my question is, do I say something to my BFF & her sister? Do I ask them to reimburse my bridesmaid? Obviously I don't want my bridesmaid to feel like she's "out-of-pocket" $120 & I do feel it's wrong of my friends to have RSVP'd yes then bailed because of unforeseen circumstances. So, any advice???

misshart00 · August 2014

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend. That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

misshart00 said:
Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend.

That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

Eh I agree to a point. Hotel rooms and limos and such should be pay your own way, but if people were to no show or back out at the last minute then the host should be prepared to cover those costs. That is the risk you take when you host/organize something. Also this is why you collect the money beforehand so that if something like this were to happen you wouldn't be out any money.

misshart00 · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes
Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend. That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.
Eh I agree to a point. Hotel rooms and limos and such should be pay your own way, but if people were to no show or back out at the last minute then the host should be prepared to cover those costs. That is the risk you take when you host/organize something. Also this is why you collect the money beforehand so that if something like this were to happen you wouldn't be out any money.

I mean more if the host sends out invitations and doesn't discuss all the costs with everyone attending. If she discusses all this beforehand, then yes, I agree with everything you said. It just sounds like OP's MOH sent out invitations and basically said "okay, here's the cost."

jnissa · August 2014

I think that the problem here is that the host did the right thing. When the girls didn't rsvp, she assumed no shows. Should she have called? Sure, but generally a no-rsvp is a no-show and people are adults who can then be responsible for themselves if they show up with no accommodations. Then the bride inserted herself, and if she hadn't those girls would probably have never even bothered to consider coming. It's a lot easier to ignore an rsvp than it is to say no to a bride when she calls you.

Honestly it sounds like the bridesmaid had this under control and the bride created the cluster. The right thing to do is to cover the cost.

Also, those girls are awful.

dionnewedding1 · August 2014

I don't think costs were relayed prior to invites going out, but that was due to a hotel-booking mishap that was discovered just before party invites went out. So at that point, my BM didn't really have cost/budget info to provide to invitees. Ugh! Oh well.

I was considering to just give the money to my BM & talk to my friends about it. I just wish they would've just said MAYBE they'd be able to come, even when I actually spoke to my BFF when we all were on our way out.

Thanks for the advice......I've considered all of them. Now to just figure out what to do.....

Jen4948 · August 2014

I have to agree that you shouldn't say anything. Your bridesmaid should have made sure that your friends' budgets were taken into account before booking anything, and not organized anything that depended on them to foot any portion of the bill if there was a chance they couldn't make it. So the consequences for no-shows are hers to deal with. She'll have to eat the $120 and shouldn't have told you about it.

And since you were not the hostess or organizer of this, for you to say anything would be out of line.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

The hostess of the party should have let everyone know of the costs prior to the party.

lyndausvi · August 2014

sarahbear31 said:

The hostess of the party should have let everyone know of the costs prior to the party.

Not only that but any type of cancellation fees that might go along with that. The OP said the host booked another room. No where does it say they were consulted or even knew about the addition room and cost that go along with that.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

misshart00 said:

show previous quotes

Maggie0829 said:

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend. That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.
Eh I agree to a point. Hotel rooms and limos and such should be pay your own way, but if people were to no show or back out at the last minute then the host should be prepared to cover those costs. That is the risk you take when you host/organize something. Also this is why you collect the money beforehand so that if something like this were to happen you wouldn't be out any money.

I mean more if the host sends out invitations and doesn't discuss all the costs with everyone attending. If she discusses all this beforehand, then yes, I agree with everything you said. It just sounds like OP's MOH sent out invitations and basically said "okay, here's the cost."

Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

banana468 · August 2014

Ditto those that say you shouldn't really be involved here. Also, unless the guests consented to costs and cancellation fees, it's not really fair to ask them to pay either.

That said, it's unfortunate that they cancelled at the last minute and it would be nice if they offered something but this is just one of those times that people need to get over it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

dionnewedding1 said:

I don't think costs were relayed prior to invites going out, but that was due to a hotel-booking mishap that was discovered just before party invites went out. So at that point, my BM didn't really have cost/budget info to provide to invitees. Ugh! Oh well.

I was considering to just give the money to my BM & talk to my friends about it. I just wish they would've just said MAYBE they'd be able to come, even when I actually spoke to my BFF when we all were on our way out.

Thanks for the advice......I've considered all of them. Now to just figure out what to do.....

1) You shouldn't really be involved in this. It's a hot mess and I'd keep it at arm's length.

2) TBH, it sounds like your BM created the perfect storm by not asking people if they wanted to co-host (read: help pay) and expected that she could book whatever she wanted and that everyone would reimburse her. That's not how it works.

I think your BM needs to eat the cost. She made bad choices while planning and there are consequences to that.

RebeccaFlower · August 2014

I'm just going to throw out there that maybe they cancelled last minute because they finally heard what it was going to cost. It sounds like this wasn't handled well from the beginning. As the bride, I might consider giving your friend $60 so you're both chipping in.

MGP · August 2014

misshart00 said:

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend. That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

This 100%.

This is why bachelorette parties become such a cluster. The person planning them is always the one that has big plans and no money (but is fine spending other people's), true costs are never disclosed up front, and no one wants to cover the costs when someone inevitably drops out or no shows.

Honestly I have never gone to a bachelorette party/weekend and come back saying "ZOMG that was the best time ever!" It's usually "eh, it was expensive and kind of fun but way too long". I don't know why people think they are so above dinner and drinks locally these days.

msuprincess04 · August 2014

Wow. Can't believe it, but I'm going against the grain here. If you RSVP to an event, knowing the costs when you agreed, and then bail, you are still responsible for your costs. What if MOH bought concert tickets and had to eat two of them because the two girls didn't show up or pay for their unused seats. It shouldn't be on any of the rest of the girls to make up their expenses that they flaked on. They agreed to pay, and should be held to that.

I don't really see how the bride calling and asking if they were going really made that big of a difference. Again, this assumes that they were told of the costs prior to agreeing to go.

MGP · August 2014

msuprincess04 said:

It shouldn't be on any of the rest of the girls to make up their expenses that they flaked on.

Absolutely agree with you on this. However as the HOST you should never put up costs that you can't afford if people flake or don't reimburse you. Seriously do you really think a place like a hotel is going to accept the excuse "sorry we aren't going to pay the full amount because only 8/10 people showed up".

If you don't want to be out that money, then don't spend it to begin with.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

msuprincess04 said:

Wow. Can't believe it, but I'm going against the grain here. If you RSVP to an event, knowing the costs when you agreed, and then bail, you are still responsible for your costs. What if MOH bought concert tickets and had to eat two of them because the two girls didn't show up or pay for their unused seats. It shouldn't be on any of the rest of the girls to make up their expenses that they flaked on. They agreed to pay, and should be held to that.
I don't really see how the bride calling and asking if they were going really made that big of a difference. Again, this assumes that they were told of the costs prior to agreeing to go.

And that's the problem; we don't know for sure that these girls knew the costs and consequences. Sounds like the decision to book the extra room was made during the communication gap between when they said they would come and when they actually bailed.

MandyMost · August 2014

MGP said:

show previous quotes

I don't know why people think they are so above dinner and drinks locally these days.

In my case it's because none of my best friends/bridal party are local! If they were, we'd probably plan a day event followed by dinner and drinks and dancing. But they're not, and it doesn't make sense to try to get everyone together for just a few hours, so we're doing a weekend.

As to the original question, I think this is a lesson learned for the organizer. Now that she's out the $120, hopefully she's learned that the next time she plans something she has to be clearer about the costs and explanations for everything! If emails (or whatever form of communication) didn't go out clearly stating something like "OK, with 10 people coming the cost will be $150/person and there will be 4 beds (2 people per bed) and 2 people will have to sleep on the floor. But with 12 people we need a second room, which will be 4 beds per room, with 6 people per room. The cost is then $175/person...but everyone gets a bed. I need to finalize the reservation by tomorrow, so let me know if this works for everyone!. We need to pay for each room on a single card, so I can collect money (cash or check) when we get there, and use my card."

STARMOON44 · August 2014

I think they should pay, no question. They said they would come, and they backed out at the last minute. They committed to paying their share. If they wanted more info about cost, they should have asked for it instead of backing out on 2 hours notice. I think the organizer would be justified emailing them and saying "we cancelled everything we could, but we are still on the hook for $xx for each of you since we couldn't cancel the hotel room last minute." And then either they pay up or she lets it drop.

climbingsingle · August 2014

I think you should stay out of it. Let them hash it out among themselves.

MGP · August 2014

STARMOON44 said:
I think they should pay, no question. They said they would come, and they backed out at the last minute. They committed to paying their share. If they wanted more info about cost, they should have asked for it instead of backing out on 2 hours notice. I think the organizer would be justified emailing them and saying "we cancelled everything we could, but we are still on the hook for $xx for each of you since we couldn't cancel the hotel room last minute." And then either they pay up or she lets it drop.

I get where you are coming from. Unfortunately people are a holes and do things like this all the time, leaving others to cover for them. Getting someone to pay for something they did not attend is pretty much an impossible task.

Maybe a more proactive solution would be for the host to ask for the money by a certain date. It would guarantee the funds and hold people a little more accoubtable to actually attend barring an emergency. Two weeks out the host could do some adjusting like cancelling a hotel room or limo, but yeah two hours out there is not much you can do.

Again this is why I am for smaller, less extravagant bachelorette parties. Less people = less expense = less drama = better chance of people remaining friends.

ssammii · August 2014

MGP said:

show previous quotes

misshart00 said:

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend. That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

This 100%.

This is why bachelorette parties become such a cluster. The person planning them is always the one that has big plans and no money (but is fine spending other people's), true costs are never disclosed up front, and no one wants to cover the costs when someone inevitably drops out or no shows.

Honestly I have never gone to a bachelorette party/weekend and come back saying "ZOMG that was the best time ever!" It's usually "eh, it was expensive and kind of fun but way too long". I don't know why people think they are so above dinner and drinks locally these days.

This. You get one night to celebrate your wedding and one night to celebrate your bachelorette party. I love my soon-to-be-married friends but I don't need to spend a $1,500 on four day bachelorette party in Vegas to celebrate their life choices.

STARMOON44 · August 2014

ssammii said:
show previous quotes

MGP said:

misshart00 said:

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend.

That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

This 100%.

This is why bachelorette parties become such a cluster. The person planning them is always the one that has big plans and no money (but is fine spending other people's), true costs are never disclosed up front, and no one wants to cover the costs when someone inevitably drops out or no shows.

Honestly I have never gone to a bachelorette party/weekend and come back saying "ZOMG that was the best time ever!" It's usually "eh, it was expensive and kind of fun but way too long". I don't know why people think they are so above dinner and drinks locally these days.

This. You get one night to celebrate your wedding and one night to celebrate your bachelorette party. I love my soon-to-be-married friends but I don't need to spend a $1,500 on four day bachelorette party in Vegas to celebrate their life choices.

Eh, this is just a personal preference though. My closest girlfriends live in Boston, New York, DC, Chicago, South Africa, Kansas, and Seattle. As we've been cycling through wedding season everyone has done a destination bachelorette because otherwise it's just dinner with local not as close friends. There's no pressure to attend, and typically not everyone comes to everything, but we do seem to enjoy them.

lyndausvi · August 2014

My besties all live far from each other. I just didn't have a b-party. NBD. They all came to the location a few days before and we hung out then.

STARMOON44 · August 2014

lyndausvi said:
My besties all live far from each other. I just didn't have a b-party. NBD. They all came to the location a few days before and we hung out then.

Which is great if it works, but there's no way I could get in on a Thurs for a Sat wedding. Arriving late night Friday for a weekend is much more doable. I completely understand not wanting to go or have a destination b party, but there's a time and place for them.

MGP · August 2014

STARMOON44 said:

show previous quotes
ssammii said:

MGP said:

misshart00 said:

Here are my thoughts on bachelorette parties that are usually pay your own way. The host(s) need to pay for things that have a set cost like hotel rooms and limos. That way the cost doesn't change for the participants just because more or less people go. As for the pay your own way part, I think that applies more to dinner and drinks so each participant can choose how much to spend or not spend.

That being said, I think you or MOH needs to eat the $120.

This 100%.

This is why bachelorette parties become such a cluster. The person planning them is always the one that has big plans and no money (but is fine spending other people's), true costs are never disclosed up front, and no one wants to cover the costs when someone inevitably drops out or no shows.

Honestly I have never gone to a bachelorette party/weekend and come back saying "ZOMG that was the best time ever!" It's usually "eh, it was expensive and kind of fun but way too long". I don't know why people think they are so above dinner and drinks locally these days.

This. You get one night to celebrate your wedding and one night to celebrate your bachelorette party. I love my soon-to-be-married friends but I don't need to spend a $1,500 on four day bachelorette party in Vegas to celebrate their life choices.

Eh, this is just a personal preference though. My closest girlfriends live in Boston, New York, DC, Chicago, South Africa, Kansas, and Seattle. As we've been cycling through wedding season everyone has done a destination bachelorette because otherwise it's just dinner with local not as close friends. There's no pressure to attend, and typically not everyone comes to everything, but we do seem to enjoy them.

Great that you and your friends don't pressure each other. Its the Bridezillas that guilt people into investing time and money they don't have to celebrate their life choices that give it a bad rap.

photokitty · August 2014

OP, it's simple - if you don't want your BM to be out $120 then you should pay for it. Otherwise let the BM handle it, she's an adult. If you had stayed out of it in the first place they wouldn't have RSVPed late without knowing the details of the costs involved, they just wouldn't have gone and she wouldn't be out any of the money.

JeeGooDowster · August 2014

I live in NYC. My Bachelorette party was in NOLA. People made their own decisions if they wanted to attend and booked their own rooms and paid their own way. Unless your BM specifically said she is paying for the whole thing, then those girls should have assumed they would have to put in some amount of money. Granted, the BM should have maybe given a ball park of what people would have to pay...and if they did not attend, then it's fine but they shouldn't have waited until last minute. I think your best bet is to just reimburse your BM the whole $120.00. That way there's no issues going forward and everyone is made whole.

Bachelorette Party No Shows - How to cover costs

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