Your post was basically my entire weekend. My mom and FILs came to visit for the weekend and meet each other and the situation you are describing developed over the course of the day and I've been dealing with the aftermath. Everyone is mad at everyone else. FI and I came up with a solution for FILs because they would not budge on their "rehearsal dinner" plans.
FI sat them down and told them we are not going to the dinner. It is not a rehearsal dinner.They can't seem to accommodate my side like we have asked numerous times, so those actions have consequences. He also told them how disappointed he was in them because of their decisions. They, of course, are livid because I am messing up their perfect dinner.
I can tell you that if I go to a dinner where my family knows they aren't welcome, they will be hurt. I won't do that to them. We are going to do something together and it will be fine.
A wedding will bring out the best or the worst in people. I think if you are a united front and remember what your wedding is about, you will be ok. FI should be the one to talk to FILs, just make sure you are both on the same page about what to do.
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed.
But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog.
Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
danamw said:
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed. But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog. Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
I disagree. It's the night before their wedding. Her future-in-laws do not get a monopoly on the couple. F'that. I would flip my lid if my MIL suggest I blow of my parents in order to spend the night before a big day with them. No, not happening. My parents raised me. They supported me through every milestone. The deserve to be able to spend the night before with me. ETA - and more importantly I deserve to spend the evening with them.
Actions have consequences.
Besides the bride's parents are normally part of the rehearsal. It's just plain rude not to invite them when everyone is invited. What after the rehearsal does everyone go to the party and they just go off by themselves? Talk about a snub. Hell no.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed.
But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog.
Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
I disagree. It's the night before their wedding. Her future-in-laws do not get a monopoly on the couple. F'that. I would flip my lid if my MIL suggest I blow of my parents in order to spend the night before a big day with them. No, not happening. My parents raised me. They supported me through every milestone. The deserve to be able to spend the night before with me. ETA - and more importantly I deserve to spend the evening with them.
Actions have consequences.
Besides the bride's parents are normally part of the rehearsal. It's just plain rude not to invite them when everyone is invited. What after the rehearsal does everyone go to the party and they just go off by themselves? Talk about a snub. Hell no.
Quoted for truth.
I couldn't even imagine. I mean, my parents have been inviting FI and his family over for Christmas forever just because they wanted FI and I to be happy and it was part of welcoming him into the family.
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed.
But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog.
Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
No. Fucking. Way.
This isn't a Saturday night birthday dinner for the father in law. It's their rehearsal dinner! If my ILS pulled a stunt like that I wouldn't be at the event and celery one I spoke to would know why.
If that FI knows what's good for his marriage, he'll tell his parents in no uncertain terms that the plans are offensive and he will not attend such a disrespectful event.
Frankly, anyone who excluded my own mother from dinner would never even get a consideration from me. I would have said "You want to exclude my own MOTHER? No, I won't be going to that."
Have fun throwing a "rehearsal dinner" without half the people who were at the rehearsal and no bride.
Anyone is free to become as angry as they like. I am only thinking, an ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
The groom's parent did a tasteless hurtful thing not inviting the bride's side. I don't think a screaming tantrum is going to help.
Boycott the RH, hate the husband's parents with a blistering fury that will shame hell. Never forgive them, unless they donate a kidney to you someday.
Anyone is free to become as angry as they like. I am only thinking, an ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
The groom's parent did a tasteless hurtful thing not inviting the bride's side. I don't think a screaming tantrum is going to help.
Boycott the RH, hate the husband's parents with a blistering fury that will shame hell. Never forgive them, unless they donate a kidney to you someday.
Then, only a little bit.
The time for an "ugly scene" is now before everyone is invited to the "rehearsal dinner".
Anyone is free to become as angry as they like. I am only thinking, an ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
The groom's parent did a tasteless hurtful thing not inviting the bride's side. I don't think a screaming tantrum is going to help.
Boycott the RH, hate the husband's parents into eternity. Never forgive them, unless they donate a kidney to you someday.
Then, only a little bit.
OF COURSE the ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
This is why the groom needs to take a stand NOW. He can tell them NOW that he will not be attending the event unless his future in laws are welcome. Otherwise, the groom's parents can be in the position to tell all their guests at the "groom's party" why the groom isn't there.
The groom's parents are making a very large family political error and the groom can be the one who tells them that there are irrevocable consequences if they intend to proceed with this.
Yes, it's ironic that he will snub his parents if the bride's parents are snubbed but this is why he and his bride need to say, "Thanks for the party but no thanks. Instead we're going to host THIS event. It is open to all parents, our siblings, the wedding party and all SOs. We hope you will be there as that will be the TRUE groom's party / rehearsal dinner." Quite frankly, this is the only alternative unless the groom's parents remove their heads from their asses.
Anyone is free to become as angry as they like. I am only thinking, an ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
The groom's parent did a tasteless hurtful thing not inviting the bride's side. I don't think a screaming tantrum is going to help.
Boycott the RH, hate the husband's parents with a blistering fury that will shame hell. Never forgive them, unless they donate a kidney to you someday.
Then, only a little bit.
Why would there be a scene? No one said OP should throw a tantrum or a hissy fit or public scene.
Do you know how to maturely make it known that you are offended by something and will have no part of it? There is a huge difference between making peace and keeping the peace, and what you are suggesting the bride and her FI do- keep the peace- is actually not functional.
OP's FI should tell his parents NOW that their plans are astoundingly offensive and that he and the Bride will not attend this family reunion.
"Mom and Dad, after a wedding rehearsal it is customary and polite to host a rehearsal dinner to feed those that have just participated in the ceremony rehearsal- which would be the entire wedding party and their SO's and families, any readers and their SO's and families, and parents and grandparents as a sign of respect and honor.
It's great that you want to turn this into a family reunion and invite everyone you know, but that's really unnecessary, especially when you are doing so at the expense of inviting my future wife's family. That is highly disrespectful and I will have no part in it.
Bride and I will be hosting a proper rehearsal dinner for everyone involved in the ceremony, their families, and our grandparents, and therefore we will be unable to attend your reunion dinner; everyone will be able to see us the following night at the reception.
If you decide to be inclusive of everyone, please let us know and we will adjust our plans accordingly. Otherwise these are our plans following the rehearsal and we will not discuss them further."
Then leave it at that. Neither should engage in any conversations on the subject, unless his parents are apologizing and amending their ways, and they should definitely not engage in any histrionics and bullshit his parents might try to pull, such as threatening to pull all financial contributions to the wedding.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
My friend's (MOG) DIL family had only the bride's family included in the Friday night wedding. She is one of 13 so there were 100 people there, plus the groom. That's all that were there the next day, plus the groom's parents and his one sister. Yes, that's right, they had a party and excluded the only three people the groom invited to the wedding. Goofy groom thought NBD. My friend is still hurt four years later. OP, please ask your FI to resolve this now.
Ok, I am just not used to this. My mom raised me to go along with what other people want.
She always said "stick your nose in the air like you just don't care"
To a certain degree I can see that. You go along with a dinner of beef when you wanted pasta. You don't argue about wearing Grandma's ring on your right hand because it makes mom happy.
But that doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be a doormat and allow those near you to be treated poorly. There's a point where pleasing others and avoiding an argument ends and the need to fight for what's right begins.
Ok, I am just not used to this. My mom raised me to go along with what other people want.
She always said "stick your nose in the air like you just don't care"
There is a time and place to put your foot down. I would not argue if I rather had the dinner at one location and they choose another place. Not a hill worth dying on.
The RD is to host everyone who is rehearsing. Her parents are going to be at the rehearsal. It's RUDE for them to exclude them people when everyone else is included. Even her own brother was invited. It's just wrong and a hill worth standing on.
It's also rude to tell the BRIDE she is unable to spend time with her own parents the night be the wedding. How in the world would something think that is okay? "Umm, sorry bride, I know it's the night before your wedding but I refuse to let your hang out with your own parents who you love and who are also paying for the wedding the next day.
Sorry, that is complete BULL SHIT.
ETA - and I barely saw my parents on my wedding day. True story. I was so busy I barely spent time with them. The next day I left for my HM. You better bet your bottom dollar I appreciated the time I had with them the night before.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Lurker here. OP, I kid you not, I could've written your story. My MIL tried to pull the exact same thing. Wow.
We had roughly 45 people that needed to be invited because they were immediate family, in the wedding or doing something with the ceremony, or an SO. Most of our friends were married or engaged or seeing someone so yeah, sounds like a lot. My MIL was like, "No BF's or GF's, but my other son can bring his GF." Yeah, no. She wanted to turn it into a reunion for my FI's family because he was the first to marry on both sides...but in order to do that, she wanted to exclude people who were in the wedding. And not let me invite my grandmother, or my aunt who was flying in to help me all week. It was nuts! We are talking she wanted to exclude like 10 people so that 20 others could be invited for a family reunion.
So I was dealing with this over email at work (bad idea) and offered to help pay. My parents offered to help pay. Nope, nada, she wouldn't even acknowledge that I'd offered THREE times to help pay. She finally sent me an email saying, "The wedding is all about the bride (wtf? She actually said that about her own son!). The RD is for the groom and everyone knows that. I know you don't want to deny FI the chance to hang out with his cousins and family he hasn't seen in a long time (that he didn't care about inviting anyway.)" I wrote her back and told her we would be declining their RD offer and hosting our own where everyone who was supposed to be invited WOULD be.
FI had been out of town without cell service while this was going on. He gets back to messages from both me and her. He calls me and I had to read to him over the phone the entire chapter from Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette about RD's so he knew I wasn't making this up, that everyone involved in the wedding has to be invited. He calls her, tells her we're inviting everyone on our list and we'll help pay if we need to (and only THEN does she acknowledge that!) It worked out after that but yeah. I had to fight her for that. Fortunately, my two future SIL's didn't.
Sorry for the novel, but I totally feel your pain. Do not back down. This is a hill to die on if ever there was one. Tell her they can either invite everyone who needs to be there, or you will host your own. There are no other options. Have a pizza and beer night at someone's house if you need to. I guarantee it will be more fun that dealing with hurt feelings. Good luck and report back on how it goes!
Gotta pick your battles, this is one I would definitely pick. I wouldn't be able to believe the nerve of my FMIL if this was even a thought that crossed their mind.
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed.
But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog.
Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
This advice is so shitty and wrong. Good lord.
Sorry mom and daddy, FFIL and FMIL only want their family at the rehearsal dinner. Go have some cereal at home or something at this wack-ass party. I really can't believe it would bother you so much, especially Daddy as he's IN THE WEDDING BY WALKING ME DOWN THE AISLE.
Yeah that wouldn't go over like farts in church at all.
Pretty sure this has been said (I skimmed) but the people the bride wants there are part of the rehearsal so then they must be invited to the rehearsal dinner. It's pretty simple.
But WOW! Seriously. Not inviting the bride's parents while you invite 75 of your friends and family. That is complete BS and I don't know what I would do.
OP - I hope your in laws see the error in their ways asap. Maybe have Fi pull the whole "if this was hte other way around how would you feel" kinda thing. As simple as it is, I feel that opens peoples eyes a lot.
Re: Rehearsal Dinner Nightmare - What would you do?
It is stupid and lousy, no question about it. Very insensitive. It shows them in a bad light that may never go away. And if I were in your family's spot, I would be hurt too, and incensed.
But it is only one evening. One dinner. People do lousy things. It isn't like they killed your dog.
Live through it, it will be over, and life will go on.
I disagree. It's the night before their wedding. Her future-in-laws do not get a monopoly on the couple. F'that. I would flip my lid if my MIL suggest I blow of my parents in order to spend the night before a big day with them. No, not happening. My parents raised me. They supported me through every milestone. The deserve to be able to spend the night before with me. ETA - and more importantly I deserve to spend the evening with them.
Quoted for truth.
I couldn't even imagine. I mean, my parents have been inviting FI and his family over for Christmas forever just because they wanted FI and I to be happy and it was part of welcoming him into the family.
This isn't a Saturday night birthday dinner for the father in law. It's their rehearsal dinner! If my ILS pulled a stunt like that I wouldn't be at the event and celery one I spoke to would know why.
If that FI knows what's good for his marriage, he'll tell his parents in no uncertain terms that the plans are offensive and he will not attend such a disrespectful event.
Have fun throwing a "rehearsal dinner" without half the people who were at the rehearsal and no bride.
Anyone is free to become as angry as they like. I am only thinking, an ugly scene is to be avoided the night before the wedding.
The groom's parent did a tasteless hurtful thing not inviting the bride's side. I don't think a screaming tantrum is going to help.
Boycott the RH, hate the husband's parents with a blistering fury that will shame hell. Never forgive them, unless they donate a kidney to you someday.
Then, only a little bit.
Do you know how to maturely make it known that you are offended by something and will have no part of it? There is a huge difference between making peace and keeping the peace, and what you are suggesting the bride and her FI do- keep the peace- is actually not functional.
OP's FI should tell his parents NOW that their plans are astoundingly offensive and that he and the Bride will not attend this family reunion.
"Mom and Dad, after a wedding rehearsal it is customary and polite to host a rehearsal dinner to feed those that have just participated in the ceremony rehearsal- which would be the entire wedding party and their SO's and families, any readers and their SO's and families, and parents and grandparents as a sign of respect and honor.
It's great that you want to turn this into a family reunion and invite everyone you know, but that's really unnecessary, especially when you are doing so at the expense of inviting my future wife's family. That is highly disrespectful and I will have no part in it.
Bride and I will be hosting a proper rehearsal dinner for everyone involved in the ceremony, their families, and our grandparents, and therefore we will be unable to attend your reunion dinner; everyone will be able to see us the following night at the reception.
If you decide to be inclusive of everyone, please let us know and we will adjust our plans accordingly. Otherwise these are our plans following the rehearsal and we will not discuss them further."
Then leave it at that. Neither should engage in any conversations on the subject, unless his parents are apologizing and amending their ways, and they should definitely not engage in any histrionics and bullshit his parents might try to pull, such as threatening to pull all financial contributions to the wedding.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Ok, I am just not used to this. My mom raised me to go along with what other people want.
She always said "stick your nose in the air like you just don't care"
But that doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be a doormat and allow those near you to be treated poorly. There's a point where pleasing others and avoiding an argument ends and the need to fight for what's right begins.
I wouldn't be able to believe the nerve of my FMIL if this was even a thought that crossed their mind.
I'm the fuck out.