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Children and SIL Question

nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
How do I polity let my future SIL know that her kids are not welcome at the reception? They are part of the wedding party and will be at the ceremony and part of cocktail hour but they are under 5 and I personally do not want kids at the reception. I have mentioned this numerous times as she has asked us to switch up our wedding timing so the kids could be included and if it was a kid friendly wedding - everytime i have said no. My FH agrees with me but doesnt want to start WW3. HELP!
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Re: Children and SIL Question

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    There isn't a polite way to say, "Thanks for letting us borrow the kids for the wedding, now take them home".  And why yes to cocktail hour and not the actual reception?  That just seems silly.

    It's pretty common that even no-kids weddings have the kids that were in the wedding at them.  I think this is something you just compromise on and allow only them there.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    citychick2014 said:
    How do I polity let my future SIL know that her kids are not welcome at the reception? They are part of the wedding party and will be at the ceremony and part of cocktail hour but they are under 5 and I personally do not want kids at the reception. I have mentioned this numerous times as she has asked us to switch up our wedding timing so the kids could be included and if it was a kid friendly wedding - everytime i have said no. My FH agrees with me but doesnt want to start WW3. HELP!

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  • nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    My FH and I have agreed to no kids to the reception as we have been to many weddings that kids take up the dance floor and we did not want that. We wanted to include the nieces in the ceremony and the day of festivities as they are important to us however, we did not want them running around and crying at the reception. They are under 5 and its past their bedtime anyway and I have seen them past their bedtime and they are messes. We are including them in everything. Also, please note that my SIL has requested more than once to change around our reception, ceremony and cocktail hour so the kids could be there and the timing of everything. I have told her that we will not do that and if she wants to make another wedding she can and do that. She also asked if its a kid friendly wedding- I said no.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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     image

    Do what you want.  You won't get what you want, i.e. a way to tell your SIL her kids aren't invited in a manner that isn't going to result in her being pissed.  So just do it and stop making excuses for it.  The same is applicable in your other question.  Do what you want, and deal with consequences. 
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  • beachyone15beachyone15 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    If I were your SIL I would be upset. You should either invite the children to the wedding AND reception, or simply not invite them by only listing the adults on the wedding invite. Honestly, you'll be so caught up in everything that's going on at your reception. Do you really think they are going to ruin it just by being there??


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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    Either have a no kids wedding and reception or a kids wedding and reception.  It's pretty mean to get the kids ready, make them smile pretty, stand still, be quiet, then tell them to go home.  It's also a pain in the ass for the parents to either leave or arrange for someone to get them at the appropriate time. 
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    this is totally going to be a situation where you will ask your sil not to bring her kids (aka your nephews and nieces) and she will do it anyway.

    so you can ask, but be prepared to have the kids that inregurdnessly.

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  • nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    They are bringing a sitter to the wedding.....so....to leave before they start to get cranky.....which will be during cocktail hour. I also know if they leave when they wanted to leave the sister and brother in law will miss the whole reception.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    okay, so those are the choices that they have made. it would be nice for them to stay, but unfortunately it looks like they can't and you cannot make them stay. so the next time you see them, ask them if they had a good time and make sure to thank them for loaning you their children.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Now I'm confused:  it sounds like the kids are leaving anyway and so are their parents, so why are you opening this can of worms?
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I'm glad I'm not the only one confused. 
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  • nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    sorry- they are NOW bringing a sitter. They were going to have a sitter come half way through the reception. mind you the kids were never coming to the reception. my FH and i have agreeded to no little children at the reception as we want an adults only. we have conveyed this to the SIL but she does not understand and wants the children to be at the reception. the sitter is now on the table but only if the kids eat the reception.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    You are just really picking the wrong hill to die on here.  Seriously, these are life-long relationships and making these people happy will cost you relatively nothing in terms of "giving up".  

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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    You haven't figured out this exact situation in over 8 months?  Did you really think you'd get different advice?

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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
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    You and your FH have agreed to no little children at the reception - so now you own this decision and its consequences.  The consequence is that his sister is going to be upset and may decide not to allow the children in the wedding at all. 

    This is a pain in the ass for parents.  Honestly, I don't think your reception would be ruined or your dance floor taken over by a couple of kids under 5.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    But, they're in the wedding, so you're going to put them out.

    Yes, that's going to go over well.

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  • NYCbridetobe2014NYCbridetobe2014 member
    First Comment
    At the risk of making her mad and her not attending at all, just tell her no kids.  My vow exchange was ruined when my husband's nephews were allowed to run up onto the alter as I tried to concentrate on my vows but I really couldn't.  If I had one piece of wedding advice to give you, it would be don't involve children at all.  My beautiful day was basically ruined.  People are extremely selfish and their true colors certainly come out at weddings, when they're not the center of attention.  Just save yourself the headache and say no kids allowed period.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Okay, I think NYCbride there is a troll now. Joined this month, first discussion/reply is here and her other thread.

    Trying a little too hard.
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  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
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    I think you just need to resolve the fact you hate your future in laws and are looking for ways to cut them out.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    edited August 2014
    Ditto scribe, I was about to post the same thing.  You can't really invite anyone, regardless of age, to one part of the wedding and exclude them from the rest.  The only exception is when you have a small chapel that just won't accommodate many people.  But you don't get to put people to work, then kick them out when you're done with them.

    ETA:  sorry, I might have not been clear, I meant that if your chapel can't fit everyone, it's okay to invite everyone to the reception even if they can't all fit in your ceremony venue.  But that's the only time.  Not because you want pretty pictures without the hassle of actually dealing with the people in them.
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  • nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    nycbride is not me 100% take it to my grave. and yes- i have read other blogs and felt that maybe i would get more advice here. i guess people just want to pick on me and maybe i am not fully explaining myself.
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  • nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    also- the kids were never invited to the reception. they were never on the invite for the wedding. we wanted them to have a special place in the wedding so we made them flower girls but its been conveyed since the start about it.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    Ok. I'll be nice.

    You can ask them to make other arrangements for the kids to leave after the ceremony, but they will probably have to leave too. If all of their family will also be attending, this can be a issue.

    I guess you will have to weigh having your brother attend the entire wedding and reception or possibly having to leave with his children.

    Please come back and let us know what you decided.

     

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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    One more question. If you are so against having kids at the wedding why have a flower girl and ring bearer at all?

    Just wondering.

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    What is the tipping point for you in terms of number of people telling you 1. there's no way to do this and 2. you shouldn't do this, before you realize that this is one of those times you should listen to the group?

    Answer:  More than exist, probably.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I have a question- how are two five year olds going to "take over the dance floor"?  Just spatially speaking that doesn't seem to make sense... but I digress.

    You've gotten some fair advice.  You are technically breaking etiquette by including children in the wedding but not hosting them at the reception.  If you insist on doing that, you have to accept the possibility that their parents will prefer to go home after the ceremony with the kiddos (if I were in their shoes, I'd choose to go home on principle, since I think it's rude for you to have the kids in the wedding but not allowed at the reception).  If you were really against having kids involved you should have opted not to have a flower girl and ring bearer- that''s what I did.

    So basically, you've gotten yourself in a bad situation based on your own lack of etiquette knowledge- and trust me, that happens to most of us in some form or another at some point in the wedding planning process.  I suggest you own it and recognize that having two children at the reception is not going to take away from anyone's night, and extend the invitation.  
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