Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bachelorette Party No Shows - How to cover costs

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Re: Bachelorette Party No Shows - How to cover costs

  • I'm not a big fan of forced fun... Most of the time not everyone is bff's and it just gets long and drawn out when you do the weekend thing. I also dont like showing up to places and then being told I owe money if I am going to owe money they I would expect a say in somthing even if it's just a heads up we are getting a suite. As for mine each to their own I'm great with a dinner and some martini's hell even a popcorn and movie fest...
  • Personally, I would have felt super guilty backing out last minute and still paid my share.  

    FI just had his bachelor party last weekend where they rented a cabin in the Poconos for the weekend. One of the gm's was paged last minute to go into work and he still made sure to pay his share when the guys got back. Did he have to do that? Absolutely not, but it was a nice gesture and didn't stick the best man with the balance.

    If finances were an issue, the girls could've bowed out gracefully before agreeing to go and there would've been a little less hurt feelings and tension.

  • MGP said:
    the BM should have maybe given a ball park of what people would have to pay..
    It needs to be a specific and permanent amount, not a ballpark figure. Here is what happens when you ballpark it:

    It starts as $75/person for the hotel.  Sooooo affordable, right?
    Oops it's actually $100 because the host forgot taxes and covering the bride's costs. 
    Oops it's actually $150 because three people backed out. 
    Oops the host forgot to mention she booked a table at a club so it's $20 cover charge and $50 each to cover bottle service for some bottom shelf liquor. 
    Oops three more people dropped out so it's now $200 for the hotel. 
    Oops forgot to book the limo!  $40 per person.
    Then there always is the inevitable $30 for penis decor and cake. 
    Oh, you need a flight too?  Then there is ticket cost, baggage fees, and airport transfers. 
    Food, we forgot about food!  $6 bottled waters at the hotel and 6 overpriced restaurant meals for the weekend. Don't forget the brides meals will be split amongst the poor remaining souls who show up. 

    See where I am going with this?  $75 ballooned to hundreds if not thousands of dollars.  Then the people who bow out get called names like "cheap", "flaky", and "horrible friend". 

    I am not saying this happens all the time. But it happens enough for people to come to these boards daily and tell their tales. 
    I agree with you...I mean $75 ballpark should be still less than $100...if it balloons up to anything past that then that is not a ballpark.  Alas, i take back that comment.  The BM should have made all attendees aware of the cost/person.
  • I live in NYC.  My Bachelorette party was in NOLA.  People made their own decisions if they wanted to attend and booked their own rooms and paid their own way.  Unless your BM specifically said she is paying for the whole thing, then those girls should have assumed they would have to put in some amount of money.  Granted, the BM should have maybe given a ball park of what people would have to pay...and if they did not attend, then it's fine but they shouldn't have waited until last minute.  I think your best bet is to just reimburse your BM the whole $120.00.  That way there's no issues going forward and everyone is made whole. 
    I hate you for going to NOLA. :*( If I wasn't poor, this is where I would've loved to go. Love, love, love it there.
  • OP, it's simple - if you don't want your BM to be out $120 then you should pay for it. Otherwise let the BM handle it, she's an adult. If you had stayed out of it in the first place they wouldn't have RSVPed late without knowing the details of the costs involved, they just wouldn't have gone and she wouldn't be out any of the money.
    Yup. This times a million!
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  • drina0218 said:

    Personally, I would have felt super guilty backing out last minute and still paid my share.  

    FI just had his bachelor party last weekend where they rented a cabin in the Poconos for the weekend. One of the gm's was paged last minute to go into work and he still made sure to pay his share when the guys got back. Did he have to do that? Absolutely not, but it was a nice gesture and didn't stick the best man with the balance.

    If finances were an issue, the girls could've bowed out gracefully before agreeing to go and there would've been a little less hurt feelings and tension.

    But in order to bow out gracefully, the girls would have had to know in advance what they were agreeing to pay for, not have it sprung on them. 

    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
  • So I just came back from my OOT weekend party where my bridesmaid who planned it all originally booked a suite room fit for 8 people.  RSVPs were 10, so my bridesmaid figured we could squeeze 2 extra people in, no problem.  When I find out that 2 of my friends (who are sisters, 1 of which is a BFF) didn't RSVP, I immediately contacted them to find out if they planned on going.  Both said yes & contacted my bridesmaid right away to let her know.  Now that the head count was at 12 people, my bridesmaid decided to book a 2nd room so everyone would be a little more comfortable. Did she discuss this with all the bridesmaids? So the day me & my entourage head up to our destination, I contacted my 2 friends to get the scoop on their situation.  They said they would meet us there, so I told them to let me know their status on arriving when they found out.  Well, 1-2 hrs later, we arrive to our destination.  Shortly thereafter, I call my BFF to see where they're at.....no answer.  I text her & her sister, and not long after I get a response from the sister saying they aren't able to come......apparently something happened to my BFF's babysitter, so she couldn't come anymore & the sister couldn't drive up alone due a foot injury. This could be legit. Sounds to me that they originally planned to skip it but felt bad when the bride herself called them. They then were trying to work everything out so they can attend foot injury be damned (was this new or she in a cast??) and sans baby. Finally, jumping through hoops proved to be too much and realized they simply could not attend. Sometimes it really is as simple as that. Friends making a genuine effort but ultimately things don't work out. All that said, my bridesmaid mentioned that she's now out $120 because of their no-show.

    So my question is, do I say something to my BFF & her sister? No. They probably already feel bad.  Do I ask them to reimburse my bridesmaid?  Obviously I don't want my bridesmaid to feel like she's "out-of-pocket" $120 
    You forced the issue and your BM made a decision without consulting the rest of the party. Both of you are at fault. I'd cough up the $120 to your BM so there aren't any hard feelings. & I do feel it's wrong of my friends to have RSVP'd yes then bailed because of unforeseen circumstances. Unless they're always flakes, I'd give them the benefit of a doubt and just let it go. So, any advice???

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    "

    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    "

    What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?
  • "
    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    " What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?

    I think the big question is what was the commitment?    Did they agree to any cost?   If they didn't, it's not really fair to say to them, "OK, I get that you couldn't make it but since we got an extra room for 12 total people, you two need to eat that cost."   From a financial perspective it doesn't make sense that two people should spend $60 each and the rest of the group should split $120 among another what, 8 people??   
  • edited August 2014
    banana468 said:
     What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible.
    I think the big question is what was the commitment?    Did they agree to any cost?   If they didn't, it's not really fair to say to them, "OK, I get that you couldn't make it but since we got an extra room for 12 total people, you two need to eat that cost."   From a financial perspective it doesn't make sense that two people should spend $60 each and the rest of the group should split $120 among another what, 8 people??   

    We have no idea what these two women actually were told about this bachlorette party.  We don't know if they were told that the MOH or whomever booked an additional hotel room for them.

    Whomever was planning this mess should have contacted them directly, not the bride, and no hotel reservations should have been made w/o consulting everyone involved.

    IF these two ladies had no idea that a hotel room was booked for them, and/or never agreed to having a room booked for them, then there is no way they should be invoiced after the fact for something they did not consent to nor had any knowledge about.

    This whole thing was a clusterfuck due to the MOH/BM who was planning it failing to contact ppl directly to confirm RSVP status, for failing to communicate to ppl that she was booking hotel rooms, for booking the rooms in the 1st place rather than letting adults be responsible for their own accommodations, and due to the Bride inserting herself into the planning by contacting those women.

    If the host of the bach party can't eat that $120 then she is skating too close to the edge and should have never been booking hotel rooms for people.  Leave that shit to grown ups and travel agents.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • banana468 said:
     What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible.
    I think the big question is what was the commitment?    Did they agree to any cost?   If they didn't, it's not really fair to say to them, "OK, I get that you couldn't make it but since we got an extra room for 12 total people, you two need to eat that cost."   From a financial perspective it doesn't make sense that two people should spend $60 each and the rest of the group should split $120 among another what, 8 people??   

    We have no idea what these two women actually were told about this bachlorette party.  We don't know if they were told that the MOH or whomever booked an additional hotel room for them.

    Whomever was planning this mess should have contacted them directly, not the bride, and no hotel reservations should have been made w/o consulting everyone involved.

    IF these two ladies had no idea that a hotel room was booked for them, and/or never agreed to having a room booked for them, then there is no way they should be invoiced after the fact for something they did not consent to nor had any knowledge about.

    This whole thing was a clusterfuck due to the MOH/BM who was planning it failing to contact ppl directly to confirm RSVP status, for failing to communicate to ppl that she was booking hotel rooms, for booking the rooms in the 1st place rather than letting adults be responsible for their own accommodations, and due to the Bride inserting herself into the planning by contacting those women.

    If the host of the bach party can't eat that $120 then she is skating too close to the edge and should have never been booking hotel rooms for people.  Leave that shit to grown ups and travel agents.
    Basically exactly this.    Were the arrangements spelled out to all those involved?    If they were agreed to then the hostess needs to say, "I understand that things come up but you agreed to this cost before the babysitter fell through."

    However if there was no agreed upon deal then why on Earth would people feel that it's appropriate to ask to be reimbursed?  
  • "
    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    " What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?

    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.
  • "
    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    " What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?

    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.
    I am still living paycheck-to-paycheck. Almost every dime I make has a place to be - and very rarely is it in my pocket. I am able to put about $20 a week into savings for my wedding, and I usually end up going without lunch during the week in order to put just that itty amount back. On top of that, I'm currently having to buy all new work clothes out of pocket to be reimbursed by insurance, since they will otherwise depreciate all the brand-new-with-tags clothes I'd literally just spent $500 on a week prior to the house fire. So - yeah. Assuming that these girls are able to eat $60 each? Not cool man. Not everyone has that ability.

    OP, I agree with PPs - it was on your BM to contact them. But if budgets didn't get discussed before anything was booked, then frankly your BM ought to eat that cost, and I'm sorry if she can't afford it, but if that's the case she planned something she couldn't afford and didn't check to make sure no one else was in her boat. I was invited to a bachelorette in a nearby city that I agreed to go to, then about a week prior I got a call saying they were going to NOLA instead. I had to bow out, because I have no money for a spur-of-the-moment trip to New Orleans, and none of the girls checked with me prior to changing plans.
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  • "
    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    " What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?

    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.
    Yes.  But.  If I didn't have an extra $120, I wouldn't be hosting a party or booking hotel rooms on my credit card.  That's how I took the "skating too close to the edge" comment.
  • We always tell brides on here not to count on promised money until they have it in their hands.  It applies to ANY situation, not just weddings. No one should commit to things they don't know for certain they can cover.
  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    We always tell brides on here not to count on promised money until they have it in their hands.  It applies to ANY situation, not just weddings. No one should commit to things they don't know for certain they can cover.
    Again one of my reasons for less extravagant events!  If you make dinner reservations for 12 and 8 show up it's no money lost. If you book a non refundable hotel for 12 and 8 show up you kind of wrote your own ticket for that. 

    The reason I feel so strongly about this is because the last bachelorette party I hosted my BFF/co host asked me to book a rental house for the weekend on my credit card for $3500. $3500, that's not a typo. She was assuming that 20 people would come and contribute $175 each. I told her she was insane and if she wanted to do that she could put it on her credit card. Her response?  "No way I don't want to be responsible if people flake". So what makes you think I want to put that money on the line?  I love her, but she just doesn't get it some time.  I did what I felt comfortable booking and spending. A $600/night hotel suite. The co hosts and I split it 4 ways. 

    In the end there were about 15 girls total who came to dinner and 8 of us stayed at the hotel. 2 girls offered to chip in $25 on their own so we took it.  If I was stupid and booked the rental house I would have been out thousands.  So these assumptions about everyone coming and everyone paying?  They never happen. 
  • adk19 said:
    "
    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.
    " What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute. If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?

    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.
    Yes.  But.  If I didn't have an extra $120, I wouldn't be hosting a party or booking hotel rooms on my credit card.  That's how I took the "skating too close to the edge" comment.
    That's not what I took issue with re: the bolded comment. The issue I have is with the idea that people who don't have $120 in savings are doing something wrong in life. 
  • adk19 said:





    "


    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.

    "

    What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute.
    If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?




    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.

    Yes.  But.  If I didn't have an extra $120, I wouldn't be hosting a party or booking hotel rooms on my credit card.  That's how I took the "skating too close to the edge" comment.


    adk19 said:





    "


    And sometimes life springs things on you (generic) that forces you to bow out.  People get sick, their loved ones get sick or die, they have to work, they lose their jobs, there are unexpected repairs or other things that force them to redirect their money and bow out at the last minute.  It happens.  What's graceful is to make plans with them in advance that include a Plan B in case anyone or everyone is forced to back out.

    "

    What's graceful is honoring your commitments and not make other people spend their money because you bowed out last minute.
    If you don't have enough savings and financial cushion to send a check for $120 even though something else happened in your life, you are skating too close to the edge and shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. What would this Plan B be exactly? Some magic land where canceling hotel rooms and concert tickets on 2 hours notice is possible?




    Quote boxes suck

    The bolded statement above is a really judgmental claim to make. It's none of your business why people might not have a lot of savings or discretionary spending money. This is very much like the time my boss said, quit loudly at work, "If you don't have at least a couple thousand in savings to fall back on, there's something seriously wrong with you." Took everything in me to bite my tongue and not remind her that it's easy to have savings when your parents paid for your college tuition, you live at home and have never paid rent or bills other than your cell phone, and you work for your mother who owns a business that generates over a million dollars in revenue every year. 

    There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that $20 of extra spending money was a blessing. Why I was "skating too close to the edge" and that I did not have at least $120 to spend is hardly anyone's business, and obviously living paycheck-to-paycheck was not my personal choice. Would I have agreed to go to a b-party? Absolutely not, I totally agree with you that you shouldn't make commitments you can't afford. But WHY that can't be afforded shouldn't be up for judgment.

    Yes.  But.  If I didn't have an extra $120, I wouldn't be hosting a party or booking hotel rooms on my credit card.  That's how I took the "skating too close to the edge" comment.


    That's not what I took issue with re: the bolded comment. The issue I have is with the idea that people who don't have $120 in savings are doing something wrong in life. 


    I meant that they shouldn't be committing to the party. Skating too close to the edge on this expense. The "doing something wrong" is committing to something you can't afford, not a judgment on your level of savings or financial stability or that you are generally doing something wrong in life.
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