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Is it my place to try to reel in an insane bride?

lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
edited September 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I am the bridesmaid in a very, very good friend's upcoming wedding. I love this friend, but she is sort of a special snowflake in all that she does. So far she's asked us and our spouses and significant others (at least, those that are invited - not all are) to set up everything for the ceremony and reception (tables and chairs and plates and silverware for 300 guests). She has also asked us to bake cakes for the reception, make (at home) and bring the floral centerpieces, man the playlist, and god knows what else. This is an out of state wedding, so all the bridesmaids (and our guys) will be taking time off and flying in.... only to be immediately put to work???

There's some famous quote that I can't find right now, but that I always think of when faced with someone acting horribly rude. I think it was Princess Di? I have no idea. It was something about how the biggest sign of class is not pointing out the lack of class in others. The other bridesmaids and I have tried tiptoing around some of these issues when she brings them up, but all our comments have flown right over her head. I love this girl, I don't want every single one of her friends and family to be miserable and hate her forever. Do I just let it go and let the train wreck happen? Or do I throw my body in front of this train in an effort to stop the carnage?

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Re: Is it my place to try to reel in an insane bride?

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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    martha1818 said:
    I would try giving her advice and even point her over here. If you're as good friends as you say, you should feel comfortable giving her the blunt, honest truth. If she doesn't listen/doesn't change her plans, feel free to just nod along to whatever she says and do your own thing. Example 1: Her-"The ceremony starts at 4 but I need you to be there at 10 to set up!" You- "Unfortunately I will be unavailable but I will arrive at 3:45 to be on time for the ceremony." And then let her rage, bitch, etc. Example 2: Her- "We're not inviting any of your SOs to the rehearsal dinner, it's expensive and we want it to be intimate!" You-"Unfortunately I have dinner plans with my SO that night, but I will see you at the rehearsal!" And then let her rage, bitch, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. ETA: I had paragraphs :(
    Absolutely this.  I suggest sitting her down and letting her know just how badly this could end up.




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    JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You know what your two options are at this point. And yes, you're right that it's just a rude to point out the rudeness of others (besides, people typically don't take well to criticism especially when it comes to their wedding). I also firmly believe in the concept of "there are two types of evil people, people who do evil things and people who see evil things being done and don't do anything to stop it."

    If this is your very, very good friend, then I assume that you can speak openly and honestly with her. If you really feel compelled to say something, just let her know that the things she's planning are very rude and you don't want her friends and family to hate her. She probably won't take it well, but, if you feel that strongly about saying something then just be prepared for her backlash.

    The best approach is to let her know that some of her plans are going to really rub people the wrong way, including yourself, and you want her to reconsider before she gets in too deep and pisses off a lot of people. Some people genuinely don't realize that what they're doing is rude. 
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    KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    First Answer First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I like laughing at people who act this way. Like, pretend she was telling a hilarious joke when she says "I need workers" and then when she gives you the glare of a thousand knives, you get to explain, "Oh  my gosh, that was hilarious. I mean, obviously they're your guests, not your slaves. Good one!" 

    Most people will "get it" when you re-word whatever ridiculous thing they've said and confront them with it. But if you act like it's a joke then she gets to save face a little.
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2014
    Ok. I agree with all of you that I must say something and be more blunt than our, "I don't know if that's a super good idea....." comments so far.
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    MrsMcCawMrsMcCaw member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You can tell her that what she is doing will come off as rude to some people ( because it is). Then she can either continue with it or change it but at least you know you tried.
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    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    MairePoppy said:

    Congratulations! You have actually mentioned something I've never heard before on TK - the bride requesting guests bring flowers for the centerpieces.

    OP, Please tell us she is requesting a specific type or color of flower. I die. You don't need freaking flowers, lady! 

    ETA: I would bring a frog centerpiece for her sweetheart table if it wasn't so mean to the frog.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    lc07 said:
    MairePoppy said:

    Congratulations! You have actually mentioned something I've never heard before on TK - the bride requesting guests bring flowers for the centerpieces.

    OP, Please tell us she is requesting a specific type or color of flower. I die. You don't need freaking flowers, lady! 

    ETA: I would bring a frog centerpiece for her sweetheart table if it wasn't so mean to the frog.

    Ceramic frog!




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    beharringtonbeharrington member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    sarahbear31 said:
    Knock, knock, motherfucker!
    I am now addicted to the Blogess.  DH woke up to me laughing on Saturday.  He said I laughed for about an hour straight (I was reading her first book).  That will now be everyone's Christmas gift.
    Anniversary
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    melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    If it were my friend, I would say something.  In fact, I have.  An old friend of mine recently married his girlfriend of 8 years, after a 6 day engagement, at a court house wedding.  It was totally them and totally awesome.  He posted something on Facebook the next day about how they would have a "real" wedding later, but didn't see the point in waiting to make it legal.  I (gently) mentioned that the legal part is what made it a real wedding and suggested that they just have a party to celebrate their marriage instead.  They are now planning a huge barbeque at their house for next month for all their friends and family to come celebrate with them instead.

    Regarding the centerpieces...

    I assume that her justification is that she cannot afford centerpieces for that many tables.  Amazingly enough, she doesn't need them.  No one is going to notice or care if there aren't centerpieces on the tables.

    A huge floral arrangement was pretty.  But it's expensive and those flowers are dead in a few days.  Not the best way to spend your money if money is tight.  And certainly not worth offending guests over. 
    image
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    beharrington said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Knock, knock, motherfucker!
    I am now addicted to the Blogess.  DH woke up to me laughing on Saturday.  He said I laughed for about an hour straight (I was reading her first book).  That will now be everyone's Christmas gift.
    I feel the need to share my Beyonce hand puppet...
    image
    you should include one in the card and sign it "Perspective...Now You Have IT!!" 
    Or "I'm full of whimsy" bc Beyonce is all about the whimsy and perfect for weddings as a result!!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If I were her, and I hadn't discovered TK forums and was going to make huge etiquette mistakes, I would want to be told what I was doing was going to offend my guests and I've been acting like a crazy bridezilla.
    image
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    photokitty said:
    beharrington said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Knock, knock, motherfucker!
    I am now addicted to the Blogess.  DH woke up to me laughing on Saturday.  He said I laughed for about an hour straight (I was reading her first book).  That will now be everyone's Christmas gift.
    I feel the need to share my Beyonce hand puppet...
    image
    you should include one in the card and sign it "Perspective...Now You Have IT!!" 
    Or "I'm full of whimsy" bc Beyonce is all about the whimsy and perfect for weddings as a result!!
    The chick is named Beyonce?  I'm confused with these references. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2014

    My FI and I were actually just talking last night about how maybe all the BMs should go in on a wedding gift.... which is to hire manual labor to do all the set up she thinks we and her guests are going to do. Rude? Yes. But also kind. In more ways than one.

     

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    photokitty said:
    beharrington said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Knock, knock, motherfucker!
    I am now addicted to the Blogess.  DH woke up to me laughing on Saturday.  He said I laughed for about an hour straight (I was reading her first book).  That will now be everyone's Christmas gift.
    I feel the need to share my Beyonce hand puppet...
    image
    you should include one in the card and sign it "Perspective...Now You Have IT!!" 
    Or "I'm full of whimsy" bc Beyonce is all about the whimsy and perfect for weddings as a result!!
    The chick is named Beyonce?  I'm confused with these references. . .
    Enjoy...
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment

    We could totally cover the flowers for her. And that would seem less snarky. And would help her save face by making her idea to ask everyone to bring flowers completely moot. But then I would still be stuck setting up 300 chairs! Hahaha. Sweet Jesus. It's just too much.

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    martha1818 said:
    You're allowed to say no! As a BM all you have to do is show up in the dress. What is she gonna do, kick you out?
    One can only hope...
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    My plan is to just explain, politely, that asking people to set up chairs is rude. But I know she's going to come back with, "Well, I already booked the venue and they don't set up chairs, and what am I going to do, and I can't afford anyone to do it for me, etc. etc." So then my plan is get very pregnant and time it perfectly right so that I can just sit around and point at chairs that his groomsmen will have to set up without me. And if that doesn't pan out my next plan is to wear ridiculously high heels that will prevent me from, basically, walking at all, and then I won't have to do anything. And then maybe I will volunteer to go pick up the ice (becacuse you know that will be a task) and I will "get lost" on my way to the store and it will take me about three hours to get ice and then I will have missed all set up.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    photokitty said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    photokitty said:
    beharrington said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Knock, knock, motherfucker!
    I am now addicted to the Blogess.  DH woke up to me laughing on Saturday.  He said I laughed for about an hour straight (I was reading her first book).  That will now be everyone's Christmas gift.
    I feel the need to share my Beyonce hand puppet...
    image
    you should include one in the card and sign it "Perspective...Now You Have IT!!" 
    Or "I'm full of whimsy" bc Beyonce is all about the whimsy and perfect for weddings as a result!!
    The chick is named Beyonce?  I'm confused with these references. . .
    Enjoy...
    Merci!

    Yeah sorrynotsorry I would not be setting up and tearing down for a 300 person wedding UNLESS a huge catastrophe occurred and I was then helping out a loved one.

    But being Voluntold?  Newp.

    I'd screen my calls the week of the wedding, make sure to show up on time to actual events, like the rehearsal and ceremony, and other than that I would not be available nor answer phone calls from the bride or groom.

    And there is absolutely no way in all of hell I'd attend the RD without my SO/Spouse nor would I even attend the reception, even if I was a BM.  I'd participate in the rehearsal and the ceremony and all pictures, and then I'd be peacing out to spend time with my SO.  I wouldn't even stay for dinner UNLESS it was something amazeballs.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    My SO is totally invited. (Lucky him!) And this is a destination wedding, so there's no hiding. We will be captive audience for the entire weekend. Sigh..... I feel so bad talking so much crap. I'm just so frustrated, especially after having asked nothing of my BMs (including her) this past year. Zero things have been asked except (1) purchase this dress; (2) show up at my place at 11am the day of my ceremony to get your hair and makeup done, on me; (3) hang out with me, enjoying booze and food, also on me, until the ceremony starts; (4) walk down the aisle ahead of me and fix my train when I get to the altar; (5) enjoy the party to follow. That is the extent of all obligations.
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    lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2014

    P.S. You guys are the best.

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