Bachelor parties- what are your boundaries?

wandajune6 · September 2014

FBIL is planning FI's bachelor party. In front of FSIL, he asked me about my "rules" for the party. I was surprised - and, to be honest, pleased- that he asked. Here's what I came up with:

1. Nothing that will land FI in jail or with expensive legal fees
2. Nothing that will get FI or anyone else hurt

Basically, my big concern is drunk driving. FI is smarter than that but I don't have as much respect for the judgment of some of his friends and brothers. I also worry about what he eats/drinks- he's diabetic and alcohol is bad for his blood sugar. However, he knows this and is generally relatively responsible. When he's stupid, he feels awful for the next day or two and is cruel to his kidneys. I'm not his mama and I'm not going to order him around on these things.

FSIL/BM thinks I should be forbidding strip clubs, strippers, etc. I couldn't care less. In fact, my plan was to give FBIL cash to get him a lap dance from me. She was appalled. I trust FI and don't think it's a big deal.

Since I've now been asked several times about my 'rules' for the bachelor party, am I missing anything obvious? What are your boundaries?

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

All I asked was that he not blow our honeymoon spending money at the casino, and to not let his brother drag him into a fight. But FI doesn't drink and hates the strip club so he generally doesn't give me much to worry about!

lurkergirl · September 2014

1. Don't have sex/hook up with anyone else.
2. Don't get arrested.
3. Don't hurt yourself (get drunk and say, "Hey, y'all watch this!")

FI isn't really interested in strip clubs, so I worry more about number 3 on my list. He'll probably end up doing a fishing or camping thing. But, he usually gets tired drunk before he has a chance to be stupid drunk, so I think we're good to go!
ETA: I feel like I made him sound bad--I don't actually have to make a rule for him to not hook up with other people haha. I was more saying if he did have any interest in strip clubs, I'd be okay with that and even a lap dance.

sarawifenow · September 2014

I am in the huge minority here (and, no, I don't want to argue it) but I hate hate hate strip clubs. I have nothing against strippers and I am certainly not a prude, they just make me really uncomfortable. That being said, I would never "forbid" FI from going to one. I just expressed that they make me uncomfortable and that I would prefer that they not go to one. As far as I know, they are just planning on going downtown and getting sloshed.

beethery · September 2014

Rules for FI's Bachelor party:

Don't get your ass put in jail somehow, and if any of your buds ends up in the clink for the night, it is not on you to bail them out.
No drunk driving. None.
Stay in a hotel or at a friend's house, because SpiderMan* is not allowed at our house anymore.
Don't bring home an STD or participate in anything that'll warrant a paternity suit.
Be good to the strippers and you better make god damn sure that your buddies are good to them as well.

That's it. Nobody is allowed to treat strippers badly in my or FI's presence.

*SpiderMan is what I call FI when he gets blackout drunk and decides he needs to leave via windows. Actually happened the night I met him. NYE '07. Completely blackout drunk at the party. Everyone went to sleep, and about 45 minutes later I wake up to hear someone banging on a window. We're 3 stories up and he's trying to break the window with an empty beer can and climb out.

SpiderMan has been to our house twice since we started dating, and he is no longer invited to anything. Just like FireHose Lady isn't invited to anything either after she showed up on my birthday.

Cookie Pusher · September 2014

DH didn't have a bachelor party (he wasn't interested in having one and his schedule was too packed to fit one in anyway), but I told him long ago that the only expectation I had was the he wouldn't do anything that was out-of-bounds in our regular relationship dynamic. That basically covers no doing something that was illegal, no sex/hooking up without okaying it with me first, and no spending more than the money in his wallet. I'm pretty relaxed and I trust his judgment. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married him.

wandajune6 · September 2014

That's kinda how I'm thinking!

FI doesn't gamble. He thinks it's kinda boring and can't bring himself to spend the money. We've gone to casinos twice and he always wants to go home right away.

The fighting thing never occurred to me. He's not a fighter. He's also not a cheater. Hell, he probably couldn't if he wanted to- he has no game whatsoever.

I also never thought about him hurting himself. Good call. Though I guess that goes hand-in-hand with getting stupid drunk. Hmmm.

lurkergirl · September 2014

beethery said:

Rules for FI's Bachelor party:

Don't get your ass put in jail somehow, and if any of your buds ends up in the clink for the night, it is not on you to bail them out.
No drunk driving. None.
Stay in a hotel or at a friend's house, because SpiderMan* is not allowed at our house anymore.
Don't bring home an STD or participate in anything that'll warrant a paternity suit.
Be good to the strippers and you better make god damn sure that your buddies are good to them as well.
That's it. Nobody is allowed to treat strippers badly in my or FI's presence.

*SpiderMan is what I call FI when he gets blackout drunk and decides he needs to leave via windows. Actually happened the night I met him. NYE '07. Completely blackout drunk at the party. Everyone went to sleep, and about 45 minutes later I wake up to hear someone banging on a window. We're 3 stories up and he's trying to break the window with an empty beer can and climb out.

SpiderMan has been to our house twice since we started dating, and he is no longer invited to anything. Just like FireHose Lady isn't invited to anything either after she showed up on my birthday.

I understand what you mean. Surly isn't allowed in our house anymore. She used to come over a lot. She and jagerbombs are both banned forever.

birdybride2014 · September 2014

I forbid anything bad happening to him, besides that I really don't care

I know most of their plans for his bachelor party and he is more than welcome to look at some ta-ta's haha! I think obvious "rules" would be to not do anything that wouldn't be allowed in the normal realms of our day-to-day relationship: i.e., hooking up with someone else. ETA: i tried to fix paragraphs

sarawifenow · September 2014

Just curious (and an unintentional thread jack), how close to the wedding is everyone's bach/bachelorette paries? Mine is two weeks before and FI's is one week before.

blabla89 · September 2014

My only requirements are no drunk driving or over-the-top spending. I know FI and his friends won't make plans that include gambling or scantily clad women, so those parts go without saying.

ETA: Oh, and I'll add don't accidentally shoot anyone. Because they're probably going to the shooting range.

steph861 · September 2014

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with FI getting a lap dance, but I know FI wouldn't be comfortable with that either, so it's not even worth bringing up. Strip clubs are fine, but again, he's never shown any interest.

I didn't set any explicit boundaries, though. I knew what their plans were, and nothing seemed worrisome. And I trusted FI to not get arrested, since he knows the affect that could have on his career - I think that's enough of a disincentive :P.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

DH didn't have a bachelor party (he wasn't interested in having one and his schedule was too packed to fit one in anyway), but I told him long ago that the only expectation I had was the he wouldn't do anything that was out-of-bounds in our regular relationship dynamic. That basically covers no doing something that was illegal, no sex/hooking up without okaying it with me first, and no spending more than the money in his wallet. I'm pretty relaxed and I trust his judgment. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married him.

Yes, this, I think. Fi's bach party is a long way off so I haven't given it a ton of thought. But he has told me his ideal bach party would be chartering a fishing boat for the day and going out to drink and fish with all the guys. So I don't want him to get drunk and fall off the side of the boat... but I would never want him to get drunk and fall off the side of the boat. No drunk driving... but drunk driving is never cool.

Fi is not a fan of strip clubs. He's been a few times without me and I don't really care, but I actually think they will not end up there for his bach so it's a non-issue. If they do wind up at a strip club, great for them. I trust Fi's judgment and he won't do anything unfaithful.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Just curious (and an unintentional thread jack), how close to the wedding is everyone's bach/bachelorette paries? Mine is two weeks before and FI's is one week before.

FI technically had two... a weekend in AC and a night out in town. He went to AC back in June (3 months before) and out here July 19 (2 months minus a week). Mine was 3 weeks early, and we're doing a girls' weekend this weekend that they're kinda calling a bachelorette party since it's the weekend before my wedding, but we all go there this weekend every year.

beethery · September 2014

I should also add that FI doesn't super care about strip clubs. We are waaaaay the hell off from any B parties, so who knows if that's even on the agenda. I think golf and bars are his ideal.

wandajune6 · September 2014

I like the rule about being good to strippers, @beethery! FI's actually only gone to a strip clubs once or twice so he's probably clueless about it. My bff/BM is in town this weekend and used to strip so I'll make sure she tells him the rules!

I was originally thinking that I should put in a rule about no hookups/sex/STDs/etc. but then I remembered that it's FI. He'd never cheat or do anything close.

The spiderman thing does have me wondering though... he's usually very responsible about drinking so I've never actually seen him trashed....

steph861 · September 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Just curious (and an unintentional thread jack), how close to the wedding is everyone's bach/bachelorette paries? Mine is two weeks before and FI's is one week before.

FI's was about three and a half months before, but that was because everybody had to travel out of province and it was the only time that worked for his VIPs. Mine was about two and a half months before. It was a surprise, so I had no say in when it took place.

slothiegal · September 2014

lurkergirl said:

beethery said:

Rules for FI's Bachelor party:

Don't get your ass put in jail somehow, and if any of your buds ends up in the clink for the night, it is not on you to bail them out.
No drunk driving. None.
Stay in a hotel or at a friend's house, because SpiderMan* is not allowed at our house anymore.
Don't bring home an STD or participate in anything that'll warrant a paternity suit.
Be good to the strippers and you better make god damn sure that your buddies are good to them as well.
That's it. Nobody is allowed to treat strippers badly in my or FI's presence.

*SpiderMan is what I call FI when he gets blackout drunk and decides he needs to leave via windows. Actually happened the night I met him. NYE '07. Completely blackout drunk at the party. Everyone went to sleep, and about 45 minutes later I wake up to hear someone banging on a window. We're 3 stories up and he's trying to break the window with an empty beer can and climb out.

SpiderMan has been to our house twice since we started dating, and he is no longer invited to anything. Just like FireHose Lady isn't invited to anything either after she showed up on my birthday.

I understand what you mean. Surly isn't allowed in our house anymore. She used to come over a lot. She and jagerbombs are both banned forever.

Heh, KFace isn't allowed at Casa de Sloth either. KFace enjoys activities such as eating flowers, peeing on the Washington Mall and also climbing out windows.

abbyj700 · September 2014

No rules for me. He's a grown ass man and I trust him immensely - so no need for them. He would never cheat, we don't drunk drive (yet drink more than enough) and if he gets arrested - I'll just go bail his ass out. :-)

wandajune6 · September 2014

My bachelorette is this weekend- 5 weeks out. FI's bachelor party will be in 2 weeks - so 3 weeks out.

Our schedule is all about timing for everyone else-- a few people work nights and there are a bunch of parents. We can't all do it the same night because lots of couples - and someone needs to watch the kids.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Oh, and as for timing, I already know when mine will be because my VIPs are flying internationally, so we're doing it close to the wedding. Our wedding is May 30 and my bach will be the Saturday before, during Memorial Day weekend. It's maybe not ideal, but I really want my friends there and they obviously can't fly from Australia and Spain twice.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

Love the new siggy @JCBride2015!

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

H didn't have a bach but if he had, I don't think I would have had any "bach party rules" per se.

I mean, he knows I'd be pissed if he drinks and drives, cheated on me, went to jail or any of the other things people have mentioned here. I wouldn't really call these rules. These are "values" and they apply to both of us every single day (including bachelor parties for himself or anyone else).

On a side note though, I'm with @sarabridesoon. I really hate strip clubs. It's not a jealousy thing or an "I think you're going to cheat on me" thing. It's more just like... why? I wouldn't have told him he can't go, but he's known how I feel about strip clubs since long before we were engaged and although he doesn't "hate" them like I do, he thinks they're objectifying and gross.

daria24 · September 2014

H didn't have one, but I wouldn't have had any rules, aside from the typical boundaries we have in our relationship. If he drove drunk (which, we live in NYC and don't have a car, not much a chance of that happening) on any given day his ass would be out on the curb. No different for a b-party. He's never been to a strip club, but I wouldn't care if he went. Have a lap dance for all I care. We have separate "fun money" accounts and I don't care how he spends it, as long as he isn't doing anything illegal.

climbingsingle · September 2014

No rules. He didn't give me any for mine.

beethery · September 2014

abbyj700 said:

No rules for me. He's a grown ass man and I trust him immensely - so no need for them. He would never cheat, we don't drunk drive (yet drink more than enough) and if he gets arrested - I'll just go bail his ass out. :-)

I did ask him that when the time comes, if we don't already have a joint account (which we're getting monday so this is a non-issue) that he needs to leave me a signed check JUST IN CASE.

Also, I asked that the B party be a week before so he doesn't feel like shit the day of the rehearsal or wedding. This is because of my uncle's bachelor party that my dad told me about.

My uncle got married about 6 months before Daddy and Mom. Winter '85 I believe.

Now, Daddy and Uncle's friend took Uncle to a bar the night before the wedding, and fed him drinks all night. Uncle was not, and still isn't a big drinker. So Uncle is fucking wrecked. He'd been drinking rummy fancy drinks with lots of sugary shit. Finally, Daddy orders him a Long Island Iced Tea, and Daddy can smell it when the waitress puts it down, and he told me, "B, if he'd smelled it, he'd have started ralphing right there."

So Daddy and Uncle's friend get Uncle into friend's van. According to Daddy, this is what the van looked like:

They buckle Uncle's seatbelt, friend gets ready to drive. Daddy faces Uncle, puts his hands on his shoulders and very slooooooowly makes him lean side-to-side and goes, "You're oooonnnn a shiiiiip at seeeeeaaaaa!" and Uncle just unleashes aaaaaaaallllllll those drinks on Daddy and all over the van. They proceeded to drive down 85 in Riverdale with Uncle laying on the floor of the van with his head out the door, and the door slid mostly closed. They went to the car wash. Friend and Daddy cleaned the van while Uncle honked all over the side of the parking lot.

Mom said he was green at the wedding.

VulgarGirl · September 2014

We have the same rules for each other anytime we go out. They are as follows:

1. Try super hard not to get arrested.

2. If you get arrested say nothing until your attorney arrives.

3. Try to not wind up in the ER.

4. When you do wind up in the ER, make sure to notify the other person.

5. Don't get kick out of gay Dennys. Again.

6. If you or your friends vomit, you're in charge of cleaning it up in the morning. Aim for the toilet.

7. Call if you aren't coming home.

8. Tip your bartender, stripper, waitress, and anyone else who helps you/gives you drink/brings you food.

9. Do not tip the cops. This is called a bribe and will violate rule number 1.

10. Have fun, don't die.

chibiyui · September 2014

No rules. Hell, when the BM was all "oh don't worry I won't take him to a strip club" I was like " you sure? I'll give you a twenty to get the boy a lap dance. "

H drinking and driving, getting arrested, etc. Never popped up as a concern for me.

wandajune6 · September 2014

We'd never do either party the day before the wedding for the same reason. Not worth the risk.

FI's always the designated driver. Always. But for his bachelor party, some friend or brother will inevitably offer to drive so he can actually drink. They're the people I worry about. I trust FI's judgment but worry a bit more if he's going to drink a lot. I also know that 2 of his buddies have had DUIs in the past few years.

FI knows that I'll drop everything and pick people up if they drink too much. I'm happy to do it and just want everyone safe. I'll even borrow FBIL's dreaded minivan so I can haul crowds!

penguin44 · September 2014

He went to a minor league baseball game for his "bachelor party." He went with one friend though, so I'm not sure it counts. I didn't have any rules. I wouldn't if it had been more of a party either. He is the more responsible one. I also don't care if he goes to strip clubs. He usually has a miserable time when friends drag him to one.

levioosa · September 2014

While I have rules like: Don't get arrested, don't spend all of the money, no harmful activities, no sex or "activity" with anyone else, those are honestly so basic that they almost don't have to be said because they're out of character for us and our relationship. I also don't really care for strip clubs, but if he ended up getting taken to one, I wouldn't take it too personally. He thinks they're gross, so I'd feel sorry for him if anything, because I know he would be uncomfortable the whole time.

The only realistic rule I have is No Drunk Driving. That is one of my deal breakers in the whole relationship, and the Bachelor Party does not get a pass.

Bachelor parties- what are your boundaries?

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