This 11 year old girl is going to ruin everything!!!

finallyhismrs · September 2014

Ugh, Where do I even begin???

She is the, spoiled little brat, god daughter to my FI boss. She is also very good friends with my son. Her mom is MY moms age and not really involved so I have sort of taken her under my wing, if you will.

Well. The engagement news comes out and immediately "OMG GURL U NEED LET ME BE A BRIDESMADE MK!?" "Sorry sweetie all my bridesmaids are going to be my adult girlfriends, I'd love to make you a flower girl!"

she throws a whiney baby fit large enough for my FI to hear about it from his boss about "Why wont FI let 11 yo be a BM?"

I swear to god if I "have" to give into her for fear of FI loosing his job I will FLIP.

vent over. sorry!

beethery · September 2014

If he loses his job over that, that's not a job he should be working at anyway.

Also, your BMs are up to you, and that's all that needs to be said.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

beethery said:

If he loses his job over that, that's not a job he should be working at anyway.

Also, your BMs are up to you, and that's all that needs to be said.

I told her that also! She then texts me back "mk boo dont go all bridezilla on mei now! lol jk ijs"

who the freak texts like that anyway?!

You're right about his job. But it is the only one close enough to home that we could be a 1 car family if need be (4 kids. 9, 5, 2, 4mo) and that pays the bills since I am a stay at home full time online college student mama. sooo we deal, and kiss ass (which I hate)

luckya23 · September 2014

An 11 year old texts like that... I don't have kids but I can't imagine texting with an 11 year old "friend", including ones I'm related to.

beethery · September 2014

finallyhismrs said:

beethery said:

If he loses his job over that, that's not a job he should be working at anyway.

Also, your BMs are up to you, and that's all that needs to be said.

I told her that also! She then texts me back "mk boo dont go all bridezilla on mei now! lol jk ijs"

who the freak texts like that anyway?!

You're right about his job. But it is the only one close enough to home that we could be a 1 car family if need be (4 kids. 9, 5, 2, 4mo) and that pays the bills since I am a stay at home full time online college student mama. sooo we deal, and kiss ass (which I hate)

An 11-year-old. Sometimes you need to separate home and work life, and you guys probably should have done that so that things like this wouldn't happen.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

beethery said:

finallyhismrs said:

beethery said:

If he loses his job over that, that's not a job he should be working at anyway.

Also, your BMs are up to you, and that's all that needs to be said.

I told her that also! She then texts me back "mk boo dont go all bridezilla on mei now! lol jk ijs"

who the freak texts like that anyway?!

You're right about his job. But it is the only one close enough to home that we could be a 1 car family if need be (4 kids. 9, 5, 2, 4mo) and that pays the bills since I am a stay at home full time online college student mama. sooo we deal, and kiss ass (which I hate)

An 11-year-old. Sometimes you need to separate home and work life, and you guys probably should have done that so that things like this wouldn't happen.

You're probably 100% correct. But like I said she is friends with my son, which is why we "text". well not WE but my son and her do often. she just happened to text ME that day to congratulate me etc. and having mother abandonment issues myself I can see a lot of the same sadness and longing for some form of a maternal figure in her eyes that I have taken her under my wing as one of my own pretty much, seriously she practically lives here. Maybe that's where her boundary issue comes from? being so comfortable?

I clearly know that there is a lot more to this specific story. But I really don't wanna go into that on here. LOL I am new and don't want that stigma. I have been around a few other forums, for pregnancy not marriage, and I know how that goes.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

alucky23 said:

An 11 year old texts like that... I don't have kids but I can't imagine texting with an 11 year old "friend", including ones I'm related to.

My 9 year old knows better than to text in that text speech crap. I told him when he started texting people that if his teacher would grade it with anything less than a B it is not appropriate to use, even if it is "JUST" texting. Especially since he uses my phone and texts family members.

Which is why she texted my phone, btw. I just told a pp but my son and her text off my phone regularly. so when she heard the news she texted me directly to congratulate me. we have never texted each other more then "Is ___ there and can we talk?" and my response either yes or no.

I am not that weirdo adult who randomly texts underage girls to try and keep my youth! No thank you, I already have enough adult friends who act like pre teens still and do not need an actual pre teen. lol

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

Boundaries are your friend.

Inkdancer · September 2014

Step 1: Take a big, deep breath. A child is not going to ruin everything. Deep breaths.

Step 2: Talk to your fiance about boundaries. Establish some. You should have less contact with her, nothing more than "yes son is here, yes you may talk to him". If your fiance's boss brings it up again, he should say "We like your daughter, but we feel that our wedding is a place for immediate family and long-term adult friends. We appreciate her friendship with our son, but this wedding is about the two of us."

Step 3: Drink wine.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

Inkdancer said:

Step 1: Take a big, deep breath. A child is not going to ruin everything. Deep breaths.

Step 2: Talk to your fiance about boundaries. Establish some. You should have less contact with her, nothing more than "yes son is here, yes you may talk to him". If your fiance's boss brings it up again, he should say "We like your daughter, but we feel that our wedding is a place for immediate family and long-term adult friends. We appreciate her friendship with our son, but this wedding is about the two of us."

Step 3: Drink wine.

I like that statement for his boss. I will show him! I think the only concern I have about having less contact with her is the fact her mom is so hands off, like I stated before. (also, I dont know if you have seen my thread in traditions and something page about dysfunctional family but that will explain my mommy issues and how i feel the need to "save" her) She is engaging in extremely age inappropriate behavior. I just want to be that voice of reason in her head when she wants to ask her mom for a cigarette (knowing her mom will say yes.) does that make any sense?

STARMOON44 · September 2014

You can't both act like her mom and be scared of upsetting her and your husband then losing his job. And it won't work in any case. She has all the power in the relationship and she knows it. Boundaries are your friend.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

If you want to act like a mom for her, you need to stop acting like her friend, or like she's a threat to you. She is a child. Act like a grown up.

You shouldn't have offered to let her be a flower girl just because she demanded it. When my 9yo niece heard I was engaged she asked if she could be a bridesmaid too. I told her "no, but it's just as much of an honor if you'll be there as my guest! I can't wait to see you!"

larrygaga · September 2014

lolo883 said:

If you want to act like a mom for her, you need to stop acting like her friend, or like she's a threat to you. She is a child. Act like a grown up. You shouldn't have offered to let her be a flower girl just because she demanded it. When my 9yo niece heard I was engaged she asked if she could be a bridesmaid too. I told her "no, but it's just as much of an honor if you'll be there as my guest! I can't wait to see you!"

OMG my niece straight up asked me too but I was like yeah sure whatever IDGAF

She ended up preferring flower girl, and again I don't give a damn.

This is my attitude about my wedding in gif form

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · September 2014

An 11 year old called you 'boo'? HUH??

Yeah little girl needs to back off. She isn't an adult. I would never talk to an adult like this 11 year old is talking to you. Maybe I'm just not 'cool'.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

goldchocobo said:

An 11 year old called you 'boo'? HUH??

Yeah little girl needs to back off. She isn't an adult. I would never talk to an adult like this 11 year old is talking to you. Maybe I'm just not 'cool'.

I think she meant boo as is the noise a crowd makes when it hears something it doesn't like.

She's 11 and grammar isn't cool yet.

But OP? I wish you could see my face on the subject of letting a preteen control this much of your life. She's eleven. I highly doubt her daddy is going to jeopardize your FI's job, and of course she texts like that, because you're dealing with a child. And why are you? Are you trying to be A Cool Mom?

STARMOON44 · September 2014

Also, why are you letting your kid text on your phone? Not old enough for his own phone means not old enough to text in my mind. What is so important that he needs to text about instead of a phone call or just seeing this girl at school?

beharrington · September 2014

Just on the topic of texting with an eleven year old girl - I text all the time with the neighbor kids who are 12 and 15. We are basically family and I care (and they are my parents neighbors so I no longer see them daily). I don't get why everyone is hung up on that part of OP's post.

pinkrevenge, I believe the "'boo" was what she was calling OP (like "you're my boo") which is inappropriate.

levioosa · September 2014

First of all, calm down. Unless they are in The Omen, 11 year olds only have as much power as you give them.

Secondly, just a hunch, but for an 11 year old girl to address you as "Boo" there must have been verbal communication between the two of you in real life to address you this informally in text. If this is the case, you have set a precedent, and boundaries will be difficult to come by.

She is not going to "ruin" your wedding. Frankly, she won't be able to participate in anything other than attending a shower and showing up on your wedding day anyways due to her age. (Also, showing up on the day of in the dress in good spirits and sober is the ONLY requirement that bridesmaids have anyways.) Not that you should include her, but that's honestly the "worst" thing that could happen. This does not constitute a "ruining." She is eleven. She literally cannot go anywhere without an adult enabling her to.

Any sane boss is not going to flip his lid if his eleven year old daughter isn't included as an employee's fiancee's bridesmaid. If he is that insane....I won't tell you that your FI should lose the job and just get another one, because I know it isn't that easy these days....but holy shit good luck. However, I have known tons of Daddy's girls, and their fathers would never have expected such a thing, if that helps.

It seems like you have a bit of a Savior complex (from what you have said about trying to "save" her). Don't do this to yourself. Boundaries are your friend. You cannot control the outcome of this girl's life, although you can be a positive influence and a stable adult to turn to for advice and wisdom. Is it terrible that her mother is "hands off?" Yes. Is it terrible that her mother will allow her to do whatever she wants? Yes. But she is 11, and 11 year olds need boundaries. Don't be her friend. Be an adult. She can only follow your lead.

anjemon · September 2014

If she's friends with your son, maybe you can play it off in that way. Depending on what you're planning to have your kids do for the wedding, of course. But if she's a guest "like your son" then maybe it won't be a big thing. Either way, do what you want. It's your day.

raissyrais · September 2014

Ugh sounds like a self-entitled-my-daddy-is-so rich-little-brat. I don;t think your FI adult boss would go so low as take his job away if you don't take that little demon from hell as your BM. Like all other pps said, put your foot down and own your adult powers. You do have powers you know. And all those semi-illiterate 11-15 yr olds text like that. I don't understand why your FI is condoning this behaviour. I mean, I know he might be scared for his job but this is a private matter. If y'all are so close and so friendly with each other, then trust me, it shouldn't be a problem! Somebody's throwing a tantrum somewhere and it might not even be that little girl!

finallyhismrs · September 2014

STARMOON44 said:

Also, why are you letting your kid text on your phone? Not old enough for his own phone means not old enough to text in my mind. What is so important that he needs to text about instead of a phone call or just seeing this girl at school?

That is in your mind and this works for us.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

I will be putting my foot down tonight. I am not going to let some little spoiled entitled snob "push" me around.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

This whole posts confuses me. She is 11. Just tell her no. If your FI loses his job over this then he needs to file a complaint with HR because I am pretty sure that being fired because his wife to be didn't allow his bosses 11 year old god daughter be a BM in his wedding will not fly as an acceptable reason to fire someone. And you really need to start setting some boundaries with this kid. You are not her Mother you are her friends Mother. It is fine to be nice and be in her life but she is walking all over you because you are letting her.

slothiegal · September 2014

....this is bizarre.

finallyhismrs · September 2014

slothiegal said:

....this is bizarre.

I know..and if I didn't have such mommy issues I think I could be normal about this. :-/

KatieinBkln · September 2014

finallyhismrs said: slothiegal said: ....this is bizarre. I know..and if I didn't have such mommy issues I think I could be normal about this. :-/

It's not too late! Seriously, I think you're coming from a really kind place in your interactions with this girl, but ultimately the PPs are right--all this will take to relax things is a few boundaries. Not that setting them and enforcing them is always easy, but I hope it's a little helpful for you to know that nothing is going to be ruined if you just kindly say no to her. (Actually, it is my opinion that "kindly saying no" is the single best thing any adult can do for a child.)

ETA: paragraphs, the Knot doesn't know how they work.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

KatieinBkln said:

finallyhismrs said:

slothiegal said:

....this is bizarre.

I know..and if I didn't have such mommy issues I think I could be normal about this. :-/

It's not too late! Seriously, I think you're coming from a really kind place in your interactions with this girl, but ultimately the PPs are right--all this will take to relax things is a few boundaries. Not that setting them and enforcing them is always easy, but I hope it's a little helpful for you to know that nothing is going to be ruined if you just kindly say no to her. (Actually, it is my opinion that "kindly saying no" is the single best thing any adult can do for a child.)

ETA: paragraphs, the Knot doesn't know how they work.

100% this. Kids need to learn that they don't always get what they want. Those that don't learn this will have a hard time in life once they hit college.

STARMOON44 · September 2014

finallyhismrs said:

STARMOON44 said:

Also, why are you letting your kid text on your phone? Not old enough for his own phone means not old enough to text in my mind. What is so important that he needs to text about instead of a phone call or just seeing this girl at school?

That is in your mind and this works for us.

Sounds like it's working out great!

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Also, why are you letting your kid text on your phone? Not old enough for his own phone means not old enough to text in my mind. What is so important that he needs to text about instead of a phone call or just seeing this girl at school?

That is in your mind and this works for us.
Sounds like it's working out great!

Whether or not she allows her 11 year old to text is not at issue here, nor should it be. Usually I don't give a shit about whether something's at issue or not in a thread - but usually those are more along the lines of whether or not someone is being rude in their ideas, not personal opinions such as whether or not the 11 year old should/should not be texting or what device he uses if he texts. Much like whether or not a bride should choose the pink or the blue flowers, it's up to them. It's personal choice - the OP chooses to allow this. You don't have to.

OP, be firm. You are not her mother, and you don't have to be. You have to, however, be a responsible person in her life, as does your FI and her (god?) father. And a responsible person would not waste a whole lot of time worrying over whether her FI's boss' 11 year old (god?) daughter pouting about not being a BM is going to affect her FI's work life. A responsible person would not let an employee's status ride on whether or not his 11 year old (god?) daughter was a BM or not in a wedding, and a responsible person would not allow himself to be fired over whether or not his boss' 11 year old (god?) daughter was a BM in his wedding.

*All the (god?)s are because I thought I saw someone call her his goddaughter and I'm too lazy to fact check from the OP. Sorrynotsorry.

lc07 · September 2014

I think the solution that makes the most sense is to tell her that she can be @larrygaga 's bridesmaid. You'll have to have her text Larry's FI about it though.

larrygaga · September 2014

lc07 said:

I think the solution that makes the most sense is to tell her that she can be @larrygaga 's bridesmaid. You'll have to have her text Larry's FI about it though.

This 11 year old girl is going to ruin everything!!!

Re: This 11 year old girl is going to ruin everything!!!

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