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Bridesmaid Drama

I just had a lovely weekend with my bridesmaids, 2 out of three of them are from out of town so we had the bachelorette party on Friday and the shower on Sunday. Overall, I have a fantastic group of girls, but I apparently chose one rotten egg. I'm not sure what to do, I know it's considered bad to ask a bridesmaid to 'step down' but I'm looking for tips on dealing with this one. She spent the whole weekend complaining, and when she wasn't complaining she was saying passive aggressive things about me, or just not participating at all. For example, at one point she said, "Rachel didn't get along with anyone in the dorms, she didn't like anyone". I'm Rachel, the bride. And that wasn't even true, in fact it might have been true about my bridesmaid, but not me. At another point she said I was 'faking' being nice. At my shower we asked guests to bring recipe's, she brought a card that gave me the page numbers of her favorite recipes in Gwenyth Paltrow's book. So I thought, okay, her gift must be the book. Nope, she didn't give me the book and in fact joked to one of my other bridesmaids that now I would have to buy the book. 

I decided to have my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, we picked a designer together and I chose the color and fabric, I asked them each individually if the cost was okay for them. This particular bridesmaid is plus sized, she would have to pay extra for extra fabric. I asked her a couple of times if this was do-able for her. If not we could do a different designer or david's bridal or something more affordable. She said it was a go. We picked up her dress on Sunday before the shower and she told us she didn't order the extra fabric. She ordered a dress that was too small for her, and the bridal store made her sign forms releasing them from responsibility for the size of the dress. After the shower she tries the dress on and it's at least two sizes too small. The gap in the zipper is at least five inches, maybe more. And she's tall, so there isn't much fabric at the hem to use for a panel. I'm getting married in a little over a month, there isn't time to order another dress. 

I'm just so disgusted and upset with her I don't know what to do. When I asked her to be a bridesmaid she acted real disappointed that I didn't ask her to be a maid of honor, so disappointed in fact that I asked her if she even wanted to be in the wedding party at all and she said she wanted to. But the way she acted this weekend I don't feel it. My mom keeps telling me to kick her out, and I don't want to do that. But I need some help on the best approach. I feel terrible too, because one of my girls that came out this weekend I would have loved to have as a bridesmaid, but the numbers didn't work. I just wish I'd made different decisions. :(

Re: Bridesmaid Drama

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    Well, etiquette provides that asking a bridesmaid to step down is a friendship-ending move and should only be done under dire circumstances, like sleeping with the groom or a criminal act that would end the friendship anyway. But it is okay to call out a rude bridesmaid on her behavior: "Mary, you made a number of comments and displayed a negative attitude that were really hurtful to me. I need you to stop it."
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    Well if she doesn't have a dress that fits then she won't be standing up with you. That's her only responsibility and she knowingly screwed that up. It seems like she's already taken herself out at this point. 
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    She has one responsibility and that's getting the attire. Sounds like to me she's not going to be standing with you.
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    At this point, with only a month to go, I say you ignore her. She knows what dress she needs to show up in. If she doesn't, she takes herself out of the wedding and can attend as a guest.
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    She knows she needs to be in the dress.   If she's not in it then she's not in the wedding.   
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    pacoannie said:
    I just had a lovely weekend with my bridesmaids, 2 out of three of them are from out of town so we had the bachelorette party on Friday and the shower on Sunday. Overall, I have a fantastic group of girls, but I apparently chose one rotten egg. I'm not sure what to do, I know it's considered bad to ask a bridesmaid to 'step down' but I'm looking for tips on dealing with this one. She spent the whole weekend complaining, and when she wasn't complaining she was saying passive aggressive things about me, or just not participating at all. For example, at one point she said, "Rachel didn't get along with anyone in the dorms, she didn't like anyone". I'm Rachel, the bride. And that wasn't even true, in fact it might have been true about my bridesmaid, but not me. At another point she said I was 'faking' being nice. At my shower we asked guests to bring recipe's, she brought a card that gave me the page numbers of her favorite recipes in Gwenyth Paltrow's book. So I thought, okay, her gift must be the book. Nope, she didn't give me the book and in fact joked to one of my other bridesmaids that now I would have to buy the book. 

    I decided to have my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, we picked a designer together and I chose the color and fabric, I asked them each individually if the cost was okay for them. This particular bridesmaid is plus sized, she would have to pay extra for extra fabric. I asked her a couple of times if this was do-able for her. If not we could do a different designer or david's bridal or something more affordable. She said it was a go. We picked up her dress on Sunday before the shower and she told us she didn't order the extra fabric. She ordered a dress that was too small for her, and the bridal store made her sign forms releasing them from responsibility for the size of the dress. After the shower she tries the dress on and it's at least two sizes too small. The gap in the zipper is at least five inches, maybe more. And she's tall, so there isn't much fabric at the hem to use for a panel. I'm getting married in a little over a month, there isn't time to order another dress. 

    I'm just so disgusted and upset with her I don't know what to do. When I asked her to be a bridesmaid she acted real disappointed that I didn't ask her to be a maid of honor, so disappointed in fact that I asked her if she even wanted to be in the wedding party at all and she said she wanted to. But the way she acted this weekend I don't feel it. My mom keeps telling me to kick her out, and I don't want to do that. But I need some help on the best approach. I feel terrible too, because one of my girls that came out this weekend I would have loved to have as a bridesmaid, but the numbers didn't work. I just wish I'd made different decisions. :(
    had to have even sides??
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    What do you mean "numbers didn't work"? And leave your bridesmaid alone. She will either have a dress in time or she won't. Move on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    It sounds like she's being a royal pain in the ass, but others are right--if she doesn't get the dress sorted out, she won't be in the wedding. Leave it to her--either she gets it together without your having to hear about it (win!) or she doesn't and won't stand up with you (win!). 

    Try not to take her mean comments to heart, and in the meantime treat her like you would treat an annoying sister--ignore, deflect, and focus on spending time with people who make you happy. I once read a very wise phrase: Don't shop for limes in a shoe store. Which is to say, don't expect things from her, emotionally, that she is ill-equipped to give you. She isn't going to be the bridesmaid you wanted her to be. But you don't have to let it get you down. Just shrug and say, "oh, that Mary" if she does something annoying, and say "Hey, that wasn't very nice," if she says something rude or mean. 
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    Yes, we wanted to have even sides, it's just a small wedding party and we thought it might look silly otherwise. 
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    I appreciate all the advice on dealing with her attitude, I'm not trying to kick her out of my wedding party, just trying to figure out how to deal with her nasty comments. I figured ignoring it might be the way to go, but it's hard to do when someone is belittling you at your own wedding shower. 

    It's funny, I'm upset about the dress, but not that worried about it. It'll work out one way or another!
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    pacoannie said:
    Yes, we wanted to have even sides, it's just a small wedding party and we thought it might look silly otherwise. 
    Nope, the sides can be uneven, so if she does not get it together, don't replace her.  It doesn't sound like you would plan to do that or even have time for it, but just in case.  Good luck! :)




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    They CAN be uneven but if she doesnt want them to be then she doesnt want them to be and thats that. I would be asking a replacement if one of mine removed herself. Not becase the BM herself is replaceable but because I have other lovely ladies who wouldnt remove themselves and I would get the even sides I want.
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    They CAN be uneven but if she doesnt want them to be then she doesnt want them to be and thats that. I would be asking a replacement if one of mine removed herself. Not becase the BM herself is replaceable but because I have other lovely ladies who wouldnt remove themselves and I would get the even sides I want.
    Would you also explain to the filler BM that she is there as a prop to even the sides, and not because you value her friendship, or would you just let her read between the lines to figure that out on her own?

    You might be willing to do it, but asking a replacement BM is a terrible thing to do.  It's as big a slap in the face to the replacement as it is to the person who dropped out.  
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    Favorite pages from Gwenyth Paltrow's cookbook? 

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    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    They CAN be uneven but if she doesnt want them to be then she doesnt want them to be and thats that. I would be asking a replacement if one of mine removed herself. Not becase the BM herself is replaceable but because I have other lovely ladies who wouldnt remove themselves and I would get the even sides I want.
    If you asked someone to replace a bridesmaid, it would be very hurtful to both the person who had to drop out to be replaced and the person you ask to be the replacement.  Why should they want to be your bridesmaid when they weren't good enough or important enough to make the cut when you originally chose your bridesmaids? And if the person who had to drop out had to do it because of an emergency or because she couldn't afford to spend money on all the things you and/or the other bridesmaids expected her to spend money on, replacing her is really mean-spirited and comes off like you care more about your photos than about their feelings.

    Even sides are not necessary, no matter how much you may want them, and making it clear that they matter to you more than your friends' feelings shows exactly what kind of a person you are:  someone polite and kind people don't want as a friend.
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