Wedding etiquette rules your family regularly breaks with no remorse

adettma32 · September 2014

lightningsnow said:

-Jack and Jills. I have never liked this idea even when I have attended them. So tacky and not needed.

-Cash bars. Recently I was discussing the thought that we have an open bar at our wedding in the future. Everyone in my family was like 'don't do it... people get sloshed... blah blah blah.' We never carry cash and I would hate to have my own friends and family pay for their drinks.

-And guest when it is an established couple. Or and family if children are invited.

-Showers are always a bit of a potluck. Everyone brings something, though that is how all of our family parties are.

-My family likes to drink so having a dry wedding would result in riots most likely and trips to the liquor store.

I'm still bitter about the time we received the invitation for one of my FI's college friend's wedding. We had been together for 3-4 years at this point and were dating at the same time as them at the same university as them. FI isn't just bringing a "guest" to their wedding, my name should have been on the damn invitation.

KeepMovingOn · September 2014

Where do I even begin?!

Gaps. They're expected. We have a lot of Catholic ceremonies with evening receptions.
Cash bars. A fully hosted bar is unheard of in my circle.
Head tables without S/O
Jewelry as BM gifts
Family and friends are asked and expected to help out with set up and clean up
Potlucks aren't at all uncommon
Guest book attendants
Dollar dances
No ring, no bring (or invite as "guest")
honeyfunds
Registry information in invitations

We're basically etiquette train wrecks. I'm very glad I came on here when I first started planning.

LadyMillil · September 2014

There have only been 3 weddings in my family, which includes mine. The other 2 were such etiquette train wrecks that I don't even know where to begin

- Stag and Doe party

- GAPS - ceremony at 2, dinner at 6, no cocktail hour or hosting during the gap

- inviting people to showers that aren't invited to ceremony/dinner but are invited to dancing

- B listing

- bar by donation. one wedding had wine on the tables during dinner, but 2 bottles for 12 people isn't enough for a glass each

- "and family" on invites, even though I haven't lived with my parents in 10 years. Also, since it said "and family" and we weren't married at the time I have no idea if DH was invited

- head table with no SO's

- invites 3-4 months out for local wedding, RSVP deadline 6 weeks out

- registry info everywhere, and all registry items are "big ticket items" as in the cheapest item is still more than $200

- outdoor weddings with no back-up plans for inclement weather

melbenso · September 2014

sarahbear31 said:

As a lifelong Texas Catholic, I had never heard of the gap until I went to a wedding with my friends from Cleveland. Maybe it's a regional thing? But then again, I went to a wedding in Colorado a few years ago that had a gap, too.

Nope. Raised Catholic in Cleveland and I never went to a Catholic wedding with a gap. I'd never even heard of such a thing until I joined the Knot. Certainly not a Northeast Ohio thing, just a some people don't get etiquette thing.

climbingsingle · September 2014

My family members would be pissed at a dry wedding. And they'd probably sneak in their own alcohol.

All of the weddings in our family have been completely etiquette approved except for my cousin's. She had a cash bar. They ran out of food (my date didn't even get a complete meal, and neither did I. I basically picked at some potatoes left over). And my cousin was also the one that asked if she could bring her dad to my wedding. And then she asked if she could bring her dog.

pinklilly122 · September 2014

Why is jewelry for the bm gift a breech of etiquette?

JCbride2015 · September 2014

pinklilly122 said:

Why is jewelry for the bm gift a breech of etiquette?

@pinklilly122 Because if you think about it, it's really a gift for the bride/groom, not the BMs. The matchy-matchy jewelry is so the BMs have a certain "look" at the wedding, not selected individually because each BM would like it.

Meanwhile, FFIL tried to tell me it would be rude not to give jewelry as the gift. Because "it's a special piece to represent your wedding and each girl can look at it forever and think about your wedding." He got really flustered about it!

pinklilly122 · September 2014

Oh ok not quite what I was thinking then, I get that. I was thinking of getting all my girls each personalized Origami Owl necklaces, but not to wear for the wedding. So I thought I failed etiquette again haha

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

JCbride2015 said:

pinklilly122 said:

Why is jewelry for the bm gift a breech of etiquette?

@pinklilly122 Because if you think about it, it's really a gift for the bride/groom, not the BMs. The matchy-matchy jewelry is so the BMs have a certain "look" at the wedding, not selected individually because each BM would like it.

Meanwhile, FFIL tried to tell me it would be rude not to give jewelry as the gift. Because "it's a special piece to represent your wedding and each girl can look at it forever and think about your wedding." He got really flustered about it!

This was why I just gave them their jewelry when I asked them to be my BM. If you like it and want to wear it before or after the wedding and get the warm fuzzies like FFIL described, super. But you still get your actual gift at the RD. We bought the GMs ties too, to stay "even." You buy your outfit, we'll buy your accessories, and you get a gift.

lyndausvi · September 2014

My family and most of my friends are etiquette followers. Nothing really sticks out as common. Sure there was an occasional gap or money dance, but they were not ramped throughout the family.

In the islands most ceremonies on the beach do not have a but for every seat. Us islanders just left the seats open for the state-siders. It just wasn't a big deal to us. 90% of us [locals] are bartenders, waiters, boaties or other things that require long term standing on a daily basis. Having to stand for a few minute ceremony was just an issue for us. But we know it is for others so that is why we left the seats for the state-siders. All the state-side weddings had buts for every seat including my own.

I've been to a 3 gaps. One on my side, one friend, one on DH's side. All 3 were Catholic weddings in different parts of the country. My family is Catholic as are most of my friends, so it's not something that is common.

Open bars are a must. That can be limited with only beer and wine, full blown or somewhere in between. Never at any time do people have to open a wallet. Never been to a dry wedding before.

climbingsingle · September 2014

I just thought of one. My family (and honestly, most of my friends) always tip bartenders at weddings.

thisismynickname2 · September 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I just thought of one. My family (and honestly, most of my friends) always tip bartenders at weddings.

Yup, my FI always brings cash to weddings to try to tip the bartenders. He likes when he doesn't have to, but he doesn't mind doing it because he assumes he'll get better service from them throughout the night if he does, haha. I did explain to him that the hosts of the party are supposed to take care of the tipping, and he seemed pleasantly surprised.

He also bought his groomsmen matching ties as their wedding accessory and gift. I didn't even bother trying to explain what was wrong with that because I honestly don't think his friends care. It's a fairly plain designer silk tie, so it's not like they'll never wear it again. My bridesmaids expected to receive wedding jewelry and I told them, "Nope, style yourself, I picked out other gifts."

kmmssg · September 2014

I have truly enjoyed this thread. There really is a whole other world out there of how people do weddings and they think it is the correct way and their circle of friends does the same.

I have already posted that my family thinks weddings are a waste of money and can't believe I would honestly pay for some type of open bar, appetizers, and dinner for my guests, or those of my daughters;.

Then.....there is my social circle. I truly have the best friends and social circle you could ask for. Wonderful, loyal, kind, loving people who do a lot of the following:

dollar dance - these don't faze me in the least because I have been to far more weddings in my lifetime with them, than without.

Master/Mistress of Ceremonies - I did this once and wanted to die by the time it was all over. You are basically performing the duties of DOC. You would be freaking shocked at how many people thing this is an incredible honor if they are asked to do it. I would never volunteer for it, but if someone asked me I would know they were trying to honor me.

Cash bars - you have no idea how many people were surprised by the open bars at our girls' weddings. Cash bars are pretty common around here, but there are open bars too.

Gaps - and you apparently are supposed to go bar hopping during said gap. My friends don't do this but I went to a wedding for a coworker who had the ginormous 400 person Polish/Czech Catholic wedding and part of the gap is bar hopping. Another coworker from the same area did exactly the same thing. From that one and only gap wedding I have ever been invited to, let me tell you - this girl does NOT do gaps!

Jewelry - it is always given as the gift around here

Head Tables with no SOs - had to really chat with the last DD about that one. She had never seen it done before and it didn't fit the vision she had had in her head all these years. She ended up with a family sweetheart table (her, him, the 2 kids) and the BP sat with their families. I was exceedingly pleased with her decision.

bouquet toss/garter toss - yeah, they happen

Registry cards - they happen too

Family and friends do volunteer to help out but there is also the expection with that too.

This all happens around here but NONE of it happened with my girls weddings or mine!

JellyBean52513 · September 2014

I have only been to two family weddings, one when I was a little girl and I only remember singing "From This Moment On" during the reception with my sister and little cousin lol and at the other one, I was a bridesmaid. I was seated at a head table separate from my date, but his seat was at the very end of a long banquet table that was situated perpendicular to the head table, so he was essentially right across from me although we weren't seated at the same table beside each other. There was a money dance, and I remember how weird that seemed to me and I asked the groom (my "stepdad," I call him) if I really had to pay a dollar to dance with him and he said "No, of course not." This is where I learned from personal experience that money dances are awkward and uncomfortable. I don't remember if it was a cash bar or not, because I only had a couple glasses of champagne that I received complimentary as a bridesmaid. Not the worst experience, etiquette-wise lol

twitterbird · September 2014

kmmssg said:

Master/Mistress of Ceremonies - I did this once and wanted to die by the time it was all over. You are basically performing the duties of DOC. You would be freaking shocked at how many people thing this is an incredible honor if they are asked to do it. I would never volunteer for it, but if someone asked me I would know they were trying to honor me.

Is it rude to have an MC at the reception? Every wedding I've ever been to had someone who kept things moving during the reception - mostly introducing people. Or are you referring to something different?

photokitty · September 2014

We really only have on in my extended family that regularly is ignored:

Invites sent to families as a whole. You only get a personal invite if you don't live at home and are out of college. Also you don't get a date if you are in high school or college and a family member.

In my immediate family we all do work for the wedding. We don't ask for or really even accept help outside the immediate family, but the siblings are all expected to (and are happy to) help setup, tear down, etc.

I think my extended family had one gap, but despite being Catholic we don't regularly break this one. My immediate family never has a gap.

ETA - I forgot about the BM jewelry one. Sometimes you get an additional "real" gift, but jewelry is the norm. It never bothered me and I didn't know it bothered anyone until I came on TK. Actually I was only ever hurt by the "real" proper gifts, when I was given something obviously far-far lesser than the other BMs.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

lolo883 said:

pinklilly122 said:

Why is jewelry for the bm gift a breech of etiquette?

@pinklilly122 Because if you think about it, it's really a gift for the bride/groom, not the BMs. The matchy-matchy jewelry is so the BMs have a certain "look" at the wedding, not selected individually because each BM would like it.

Meanwhile, FFIL tried to tell me it would be rude not to give jewelry as the gift. Because "it's a special piece to represent your wedding and each girl can look at it forever and think about your wedding." He got really flustered about it!
This was why I just gave them their jewelry when I asked them to be my BM. If you like it and want to wear it before or after the wedding and get the warm fuzzies like FFIL described, super. But you still get your actual gift at the RD. We bought the GMs ties too, to stay "even." You buy your outfit, we'll buy your accessories, and you get a gift.

I might also do something similar to this. Jewelry + gift. Although I still think I'd get different jewelry for each woman, because they are all so different, I just can't imagine everyone liking the same thing.

PrincessOfHavoc · September 2014

Potluck showers. Both families find that normal and acceptable. I shrugged and gave up, not my place to demand a shower. Plus from other weddings, the food is from family who flat out crazy loves feeding people so meh.

Setup. Oh the drama that we have almost no setup to do. But what are they supposed to do all day? Erm, watch football? Church is already decorated, reception is put center pieces out and set up table cards.

mrsjhodge · September 2014

Ok, here's what gets done in my family. I'll asterisks anything that we did:

- cash bar/honor bar/honeymoon fund jar bar

- gaps* (however we were early to the reception)

- bridesmaid jewelry as gift*

- registry information in the invite

- whole family out to decorate * (we asked bridal party and parents)

- wedding party at head table without SO's * (I obviously didn't spend enough time on here to know this was a bad idea and most of our WP was single without SO's at the wedding)

- B-Listing

WildMagelet · September 2014

Dollar dances and incorrect invitation times are two pretty regular etiquette "sins" on my dad's side of the family.

I think they're pretty tame (although annoying) considering some of the horror stories I hear around here.

kmmssg · September 2014

I forgot one: at RD's the alcohol is usually a couple of drink tickets or cash bar.

Wedding etiquette rules your family regularly breaks with no remorse

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