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Knottie04572181
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not good enough for fiances mom
I have this huge problem with my future mother in law. My fiance and I are paying for everything but everything I want I just "can't do" because "it's not right" then my fiance switches from loving our ideas we came up with together to well we need to do it right and her way.
She wants to turn my rustic outdoor wedding into a High class thing we can't afford at all.
We say its over our budget she says sorry save more in the next year. But we can't do that and pay our bills. I'm going to end up hating my wedding and paying way to much possibly loosing my house in the process. And a week ago she tells me my fiance.needs to just quit his job because its stressful and he will have a stroke. He's healthy ans 32. We work at the same place how.would we ever afford the expensive high class stuff she wants then?? What's wrong with her. I haven't gotten to choose one thing yet. Theme and colors fiance chose. And he agrees with her invitations food and not having music. When music is most important to me. Wedding from hell help.
Why do I need to tell her every detail she isn't paying and it isn't her wedding she only wants to know so she can say no. I would do anything not to have a wedding and elope which is what I wanted then I agreed to a 25 person super non traditional thing and she keeps adding guests. We at 200 now. And I need to order extra plates for my neighbors to take to them because they have been good neighbors and each guest needs favors totaling $23. I want to cry everyday and I have a year still of this hell. Fiance won't listen to anyone but mommy.
She wants to turn my rustic outdoor wedding into a High class thing we can't afford at all.
We say its over our budget she says sorry save more in the next year. But we can't do that and pay our bills. I'm going to end up hating my wedding and paying way to much possibly loosing my house in the process. And a week ago she tells me my fiance.needs to just quit his job because its stressful and he will have a stroke. He's healthy ans 32. We work at the same place how.would we ever afford the expensive high class stuff she wants then?? What's wrong with her. I haven't gotten to choose one thing yet. Theme and colors fiance chose. And he agrees with her invitations food and not having music. When music is most important to me. Wedding from hell help.
Why do I need to tell her every detail she isn't paying and it isn't her wedding she only wants to know so she can say no. I would do anything not to have a wedding and elope which is what I wanted then I agreed to a 25 person super non traditional thing and she keeps adding guests. We at 200 now. And I need to order extra plates for my neighbors to take to them because they have been good neighbors and each guest needs favors totaling $23. I want to cry everyday and I have a year still of this hell. Fiance won't listen to anyone but mommy.
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Re: not good enough for fiances mom
If he always goes from being on the same page as you to wanting to do whatever his mother wants, you have a relationship problem, not a wedding problem. I'd get some couples counseling or even some individual counseling if he won't go, which would be a red flag to me. Either way, I think you need to figure out what you want to do with your relationship before you make any more wedding plans, because if your FI always pulls this no matter what you plan together, he will do this throughout your marriage.
So funny that I'm five foot tall and a size 0? I spent my whole life.from fifth grade until I was 19 as a size 8. Then I worked my ass off to loose weight the right way working out not starving myself.
Are they jealous of me? Do I need to.gain weight to make them happy because they are big ladies?
That's not fair I'm healthy and muscular and in good shape: ( How do i stop these.comments?
Its probably bad i was looking to get advice that said i shouldnt do this. But its not right or i wouldbt want desperatly to not do it at all. Sorry about the typos my keyboard.is messed up
I'd suggest you stop planning and engage in a thorough conversation with your FI about your shared goals. Review your budget and what your resources are. Review your goals for your wedding and your goals for your marriage. A lot this will require talking about how you communicate now and making changes to how you communicate from now on - anyone not paying doesn't get involved in decision making.
And you need to be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot tolerate in terms of your FMIL's involvement in your life. Are you realistic about whether or not your FI will rely on her for decision-making in other areas? Will he be deciding if she goes on vacation with you, shares in parenting decisions, plans your meals, determine who needs to lose weight and how? Some of these are silly examples, but this type of involvement doesn't go away unless steps are taken to change behavior.
Its easier so he goes with it. Because she will get pissed and not talk to us if we say no. Yet its our money.
Also our budget isn't good enough she knows we can come up with more and I need to convince fiance to spend more or it won't be right.
Still wish I knew what to say to the ignorant comments when I'm trying not to cry. Maybe if I just cried.
Stop sharing details with your FMIL NOW. Make sure you and your fiance are on that same page, and he needs to stop sharing details too. If you allow her to insert her opinions, negativity, and judgement into our wedding planning process, you will be miserable (as you already are). As PPs said, your marriage will be plagued with your FMIL interfering if you don't start setting boundaries now.
Don't allow your FMIL to tell your fiance there are better (more expensive) options, and he won't change his mind.
Fiance just wants eveeyone to be happy and not have any drama but he doesnt seem to realize that his mom has put on her own wedding and two others all planned and decided by her so She doesnt need to do ours to.
When you would say its already been taken care of decided. What did she say to that? My MIL would say well what is decided it wasn't run by me tell me now. Or well its probably going to be crap if you both have decided on something. it cant be crap what would people think?! Lol.
As for insisting on what the decisions are, you can (still sweetly) say "Well, since fi and I are paying for and planning the wedding, those decisions will be between us and don't need to be run by you. We will tell you all of the information you need to know, don't worry!" And if she presses, you can say something like "Frankly, you don't need to know the bridesmaids dress colors or what flowers I'm going to have or what my dress is going to look like. None of those things will change the fact that I will still end our wedding day being married to your son, and in my eyes, that makes our wedding perfect." (Also, it would help if your fiance would say this to his mom first, so when she hears it from you, it's not a new message, and you are just reaffirming what she's already heard from her son).
And something your fiance needs to realize, is that "wanting to make everyone happy" aka, wanting to make his mom happy, is coming at the cost of YOUR happiness. That is not ok and never will be. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he's unaware of this (maybe you haven't talked to him about it?) Don't placate her, because that's what she wants. She wants to control (from your description, she sounds like a bully). Stand your ground and be a united front with your fiance.
ETA - if FMIL refuses to accept your answers, then tell her the conversation is over.
Physically remove yourselves from the conversation if you have to.
She brings it up all the time. His brother could never have kids then suddenly someones pregnant. And she wanted a grandkid so bad she would not let his brother have it tested. His brother slept with the girl once but was married ten plus years with nothing..basically everyone around her just let's her act like she does and I really don't know why she's so very hard to be around.
And I think all RebeccaFlower meant when mentioning children is that if you let this woman control your wedding, she will think she can control EVERY future decision you and your husband make - whether its with children, houses, jobs, whatever. If you don't stop it or try to set boundaries... you're enabling her control over you and her son.
Anyway you can move across the country from this nutcase?
I would consider counseling with your FI over this. While its bad that he's siding with his mom over you, the bigger issue is that FMIL won't let anything go until opinions have been changed to coinside with her opinions. A good counselor will help your FI come up with ways to constantly deflect her. Remember that you cannot change someone else's behavior, but you can control how you react to someone else's behavior. Your FI just needs ways to cope with FMIL's behavior. It would also probably be a good idea about FI speaking with a counselor about the infertility issues specifically. If he is being brought to tears by FMIL over having children, he could use some coping techniques to deal with her.
I think it would be wise to cancel all current wedding plans. Don't tell FMIL about anything when you do start to plan again. If she doesn't know when the wedding will happen, she can't argue with you about it. Just send her the invitation when everything is planned.
By your writings here, its obvious that you are overwhelmed. It may be a good idea to write down the things you want to discuss with FI, so that you don't get flustered and can make all of your points to him.
If you legally bind yourself to her family, you are going to be under her thumb for the rest of your life. You are essentially marrying her.
And frankly, your FI had seven years with you and 14 years as a legal adult to tell her to knock it off. He hasn't. Do you think he will? Do you think the man who has let that woman bulldoze over his own wedding and the woman he wanted to make his WIFE is going to suddenly turn around and go "No, mommy, stop it"? I imagine that all the stress in your words is plainly visible in your every day life with him.
And he still picks her over you.
Remember those marriage vows "forsaking all others"? I don't think he can do it. I don't think he really wants to either, from what you have said. So, with that, I think the least drastic thing you need to do RIGHT NOW is postpone this wedding.
Though I truly think you need to cancel it completely.