@esstee33...I respectfully disagree. True, Paul doesn't like/accept homosexuality, but his main issue with John is the fact that he refused to meet Paul when he and I started dating. That hurt both of us. John extended an olive branch to Paul at the block party, but Paul is still upset that he was pre judged by John. Paul's issue with John's sexuality is secondary, even though it's none of Paul's business.
Let's say that the situation happened with a straight guy, would Paul still have his panties in a wad, then?
@esstee33...I respectfully disagree. True, Paul doesn't like/accept homosexuality, but his main issue with John is the fact that he refused to meet Paul when he and I started dating. That hurt both of us. John extended an olive branch to Paul at the block party, but Paul is still upset that he was pre judged by John. Paul's issue with John's sexuality is secondary, even though it's none of Paul's business.
Why the fuck does Paul even care about that? If one of SO's friends hadn't wanted to meet me I would have just though, okay whatever jerk and moved on. I especially would have moved on if that friend later apologized.
Actually, a friend of SO's did much worse than your friend - he went on a crazy screaming rant about how I was going to hell and taking SO there with me. I had changed him and led him away from God and I was a totally horrible person according to this friend. That friend eventually realized how horrible he had been to me and sincerely apologized. I went to his wedding and we are friends now. I realize he made a mistake, his rant had more to do with himself and where he was in life than it had to do with me, and he apologized and I thought why not give this good friend of SO's a second chance?
It's crap that your FI is holding a grudge over something this ridiculous and I have to agree with PPs that it just sounds like an excuse to hide his homophobia. And even if he isn't using it an excuse I think it's pretty shitty of him not to let something so silly go to try and make the woman he loves happy.
@esstee33...I respectfully disagree. True, Paul doesn't like/accept homosexuality, but his main issue with John is the fact that he refused to meet Paul when he and I started dating. That hurt both of us. John extended an olive branch to Paul at the block party, but Paul is still upset that he was pre judged by John. Paul's issue with John's sexuality is secondary, even though it's none of Paul's business.
Hold on a minute. I just read this again, because sometimes I like to read shenanigans a couple of times.
Paul is pressed because John judged him, so he's judging John? And his Problem with a capital P is not that John is gay, just that John judged him.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Honestly, that's some hypocritical bullshit I'd expect from a homophobe.
Right, @beethery? I can't even fathom how this irony is escaping her, unless she's just willfully ignoring it.
The point is, @decembergrl2014, your FI is acting like a total dillweed. He seriously can't get over this slight from a friend who was sad his buddy wasn't around as much how freakin' long ago? Can he not empathize with how John must have been feeling? (Although I guess that's probably a "no," since if he was capable of empathy, he wouldn't be such a giant homophobe.)
Like, you know, before I met my BF, he was spending a LOT of time with a few of his friends. And almost this exact situation happened -- one friend in particular has not adjusted to us dating at all. He's been totally rude to my BF when he's not at this friend's beck and call and pretends I don't even exist. Like, when we go out and he's there, he'll greet everyone else there but not me. Which is sucky, but what can I do? I'm not about to force friendship upon people who act like jerks to me. But one of these days, if he had a moment in which he was like "Oh, hey, I've been a total jackass, and she did nothing to deserve it," and apologized to me, I'd be all about mending fences. Because holding petty grudges is not something well-adjusted adults do. Your FI needs to get over it.
I read the first drama before we all knew Paul was a homophobe and determined that this shit is silly as hell and immature.
If I recall correctly John was salty that you had a new boo and didn't want to meet him because he was jealous(1). You told Paul that (2) and Paul thought John was a bad friend to you and didn't like him on your behalf even though you didn't care (3) and then John tried to be friends and Paul faked it but still doesn't like him (4).
4 silly things happend and it is all petty as fuck for adult people to be dealing with. Unless the true issue is the gayness (quite possibly) and then you have bigger issues than squabbling grown ups
I read the first drama before we all knew Paul was a homophobe and determined that this shit is silly as hell and immature.
If I recall correctly John was salty that you had a new boo and didn't want to meet him because he was jealous(1). You told Paul that (2) and Paul thought John was a bad friend to you and didn't like him on your behalf even though you didn't care (3) and then John tried to be friends and Paul faked it but still doesn't like him (4).
4 silly things happend and it is all petty as fuck for adult people to be dealing with. Unless the true issue is the gayness (quite possibly) and then you have bigger issues than squabbling grown ups
I read the first drama before we all knew Paul was a homophobe and determined that this shit is silly as hell and immature.
If I recall correctly John was salty that you had a new boo and didn't want to meet him because he was jealous(1). You told Paul that (2) and Paul thought John was a bad friend to you and didn't like him on your behalf even though you didn't care (3) and then John tried to be friends and Paul faked it but still doesn't like him (4).
4 silly things happend and it is all petty as fuck for adult people to be dealing with. Unless the true issue is the gayness (quite possibly) and then you have bigger issues than squabbling grown ups
To the bolded: Preach.
This whole thing sounds ridiculous. Paul is being petty. And a big freaking jackass. He doesn't have to love John, but at least behave like an adult.
And to the PP who made the Beatles joke, please know that you made me laugh so hard my FI came in from another room wanting to get in on the joke.
Agreed with PPs, your FI is acting like Bigot Smalls (a nickname I give to people who are intolerant of others for no apparent reason), and he needs to get over it. Your FI doesn't have to get along with all of your friends, but he doesn't have to trash talk them/prevent you from seeing them either. Was John wrong initially when he didn't want to meet your FI? Yes, but then again, your FI is being childish. Two wrongs don't make a right.
You should NEVER have to choose between your FI and your friendship with John. In fact, people in healthy relationships don't ask their SO to choose between them and their friends. You need to talk to your FI about your feelings on this issue, preferably before the wedding rather than after.
Thank you, ladies. I. fully plan on talking to Paul tonight on this issue. He just needs to be reminded that I'm not his ex wife who had no life. She didn't work, had no friends and she ate, slept and Breathed him. That's not me. I don't see my friends a lot, mainly because we're all busy with work, kids and our relationships/marriages (except John). When I do, it shouldn't be an issue. He told me he doesn't care if I go out with him and our mutual friends, but he won't want to go out with us, but sometimes I might want him to come. I know he feels betrayed, because when John refused to meet Paul, I stopped talking to John for over a year. Then the block party happened and John and I have been in contact again, because I appreciated that John decided to break the ice with Paul. I think that Paul feels like I'm betraying him, when all I decided to do was to forgive John.
I don't know how to ease Paul's (unjustified) feelings of being betrayed.
Thank you, ladies. I. fully plan on talking to Paul tonight on this issue. He just needs to be reminded that I'm not his ex wife who had no life. She didn't work, had no friends and she ate, slept and Breathed him. That's not me. I don't see my friends a lot, mainly because we're all busy with work, kids and our relationships/marriages (except John). When I do, it shouldn't be an issue. He told me he doesn't care if I go out with him and our mutual friends, but he won't want to go out with us, but sometimes I might want him to come. I know he feels betrayed, because when John refused to meet Paul, I stopped talking to John for over a year. Then the block party happened and John and I have been in contact again, because I appreciated that John decided to break the ice with Paul. I think that Paul feels like I'm betraying him, when all I decided to do was to forgive John.
I don't know how to ease Paul's (unjustified) feelings of being betrayed.
You didn't talk to your friend for over a year because he didn't want to meet your new boyfriend? And he still feels 'betrayed' (which is probably the most dramatic work he could choose)? Your FI needs to give it a fucking rest.
There's no cute for being a douche bag, so you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of this shit.
@esstee33...I respectfully disagree. True, Paul doesn't like/accept homosexuality, but his main issue with John is the fact that he refused to meet Paul when he and I started dating. That hurt both of us. John extended an olive branch to Paul at the block party, but Paul is still upset that he was pre judged by John. Paul's issue with John's sexuality is secondary, even though it's none of Paul's business.
Hold on a minute. I just read this again, because sometimes I like to read shenanigans a couple of times.
Paul is pressed because John judged him, so he's judging John? And his Problem with a capital P is not that John is gay, just that John judged him.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Honestly, that's some hypocritical bullshit I'd expect from a homophobe.
Someone needs to very bluntly remind Paul that Jesus flat out told everyone to mind their own fucking business in life, that judging other people is a job for only Jesus and God, and that Forgiveness is a key factor in all Christian religions.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
So he managed to keep his ex wife from having any friends or life outside of him and now he's doing the same thing to you? Dump him, move in with John, get a new life.
decembergrl2014 said:
Thank you, ladies. I. fully plan on talking to Paul tonight on this issue. He just needs to be reminded that I'm not his ex wife who had no life. She didn't work, had no friends and she ate, slept and Breathed him. That's not me. I don't see my friends a lot, mainly because we're all busy with work, kids and our relationships/marriages (except John). When I do, it shouldn't be an issue. He told me he doesn't care if I go out with him and our mutual friends, but he won't want to go out with us, but sometimes I might want him to come. I know he feels betrayed, because when John refused to meet Paul, I stopped talking to John for over a year. Then the block party happened and John and I have been in contact again, because I appreciated that John decided to break the ice with Paul. I think that Paul feels like I'm betraying him, when all I decided to do was to forgive John.
I don't know how to ease Paul's (unjustified) feelings of being betrayed.
See, this makes me think that your answer to both of my questions is actually yes. And that's a problem.
Has Paul made any progress during your relationship in terms of accepting you as an individual with your own wants and needs? Or has it been a constant throughout your relationship? Does this only manifest itself with respect to John?
I have girls nights with my friends at least once a month. Last month I told Paul that I was having lunch with John and another girl, Karen. He seemed (key word, I know) fine with it.
What's gotten him all upset is that he will be there when I'm at the Epilepsy walk, and that I mentioned possibly inviting him to the wedding.
That makes no sense. He's okay with you going to dinner with John and a friend which is a fairly intimate setting but the fact that he will be at a charity event with you and hundreds of other people is upsetting? There is absolutely something else going on here.
You need to have a talk with your FI and he needs to start being honest with you about what his issue with all of this is.
decembergrl2014 said:
I have girls nights with my friends at least once a month. Last month I told Paul that I was having lunch with John and another girl, Karen. He seemed (key word, I know) fine with it.
What's gotten him all upset is that he will be there when I'm at the Epilepsy walk, and that I mentioned possibly inviting him to the wedding.
First, good for you for taking all this Real Talk (TM) so well. It speaks well of you, seriously.
Second, do you mind if I ask how long you and your FI have been together/engaged? It seems a little weird that he's still "getting used to" your independent lady-ways (by which I mean, you know, having a life, a job, friends, etc.). Honestly it sounds like maybe you haven't been together that long so that's part of the growing pains? Or have you been together for a while but only engaged shortly, and he seems to assume that "wife"="ex-wife's behavior" and is having a hard time reconciling you with the notion of "wife" in his head?
Either way, it sounds like he just...has a little bit of growing up to do. I suppose it's up to you how bluntly you'd like to tell him as much, but that's the long and short of it. He needs to understand that adults who love each other act like adults who love each other, which means they are happy when their spouse has friends/work (that's the love) and are able to brush their shoulders off when someone irritates them (that's the adulthood).
@KatieinBkln...we've been together for almost two years, and engaged for a year.
He was married for 10 years and had 3 kids with his ex. Throughout the whole marriage she didn't work. She chose to stop working soon after they got married. The first kid didn't come along until 5 years into their marriage.
From what he said (there's 3 sides to every story, I know) she didn't have or seem to want any friends. They had friends from church, but never saw them outside of church. He has always worked 3 jobs to help make ends meet. Her idea of bringing money in was to buy things cheap and then sell them on eBay for a profit.
Me, on the other hand, have a full time job. (I'm a teacher.) I have friends, and enjoy socializing. I always have. I don't put the financial pressure on him that she did. I never would, and he knows that. Sometimes I think because he was with his ex for so long that he's still in that mindset. I've told him, "I'm not Amy!" I'm sorry if I sound conceited, but I KNOW I'm sooooo much better than her!
I know he has a lot on his plate, the most recent was that his ATM card got hacked, and over $2000 of his hard earned money was stolen. (He's getting it back, but it takes 7-10 days.) Last week he asked his two daughters if they wanted to come to our wedding in December and they said yes. He was THRILLED!!!!!! This past weekend, they didn't want to stay with us. No doubt Amy is poisoning their minds against their father.
What does all of this have to do with John? In reality, nothing. He's got a lot on his mind and he's not thinking rationally. Does it sound like I'm making excuses for him? Yes, guilty as charged, but it's the truth.
@KatieinBkln...we've been together for almost two years, and engaged for a year.
He was married for 10 years and had 3 kids with his ex. Throughout the whole marriage she didn't work. She chose to stop working soon after they got married. The first kid didn't come along until 5 years into their marriage.
From what he said (there's 3 sides to every story, I know) she didn't have or seem to want any friends. They had friends from church, but never saw them outside of church. He has always worked 3 jobs to help make ends meet. Her idea of bringing money in was to buy things cheap and then sell them on eBay for a profit.
Me, on the other hand, have a full time job. (I'm a teacher.) I have friends, and enjoy socializing. I always have. I don't put the financial pressure on him that she did. I never would, and he knows that. Sometimes I think because he was with his ex for so long that he's still in that mindset. I've told him, "I'm not Amy!" I'm sorry if I sound conceited, but I KNOW I'm sooooo much better than her!
I know he has a lot on his plate, the most recent was that his ATM card got hacked, and over $2000 of his hard earned money was stolen. (He's getting it back, but it takes 7-10 days.) Last week he asked his two daughters if they wanted to come to our wedding in December and they said yes. He was THRILLED!!!!!! This past weekend, they didn't want to stay with us. No doubt Amy is poisoning their minds against their father.
What does all of this have to do with John? In reality, nothing. He's got a lot on his mind and he's not thinking rationally. Does it sound like I'm making excuses for him? Yes, guilty as charged, but it's the truth.
I could see this excuse for forgetting a haircut appointment or not wanting to go watch the game with the guys.
This doesn't excuse the fact that he is avoiding your friend because of a childish grudge and the fact that your friend is gay.
My husband & I are both conservative Catholics. We aren't the most vocal regarding same-sex marriage equality one way or the other, and we're not the type who would go to pride events to support the LGBT community. But, dammit, if he were to avoid one of my friends just because he/she is gay, that would piss me off to no end and would seriously cause me to rethink marrying him.
Re: Torn: update
Let's say that the situation happened with a straight guy, would Paul still have his panties in a wad, then?
I'm the fuck out.
If I recall correctly John was salty that you had a new boo and didn't want to meet him because he was jealous(1). You told Paul that (2) and Paul thought John was a bad friend to you and didn't like him on your behalf even though you didn't care (3) and then John tried to be friends and Paul faked it but still doesn't like him (4).
4 silly things happend and it is all petty as fuck for adult people to be dealing with. Unless the true issue is the gayness (quite possibly) and then you have bigger issues than squabbling grown ups
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
What's gotten him all upset is that he will be there when I'm at the Epilepsy walk, and that I mentioned possibly inviting him to the wedding.
First, good for you for taking all this Real Talk (TM) so well. It speaks well of you, seriously.
This doesn't excuse the fact that he is avoiding your friend because of a childish grudge and the fact that your friend is gay.
My husband & I are both conservative Catholics. We aren't the most vocal regarding same-sex marriage equality one way or the other, and we're not the type who would go to pride events to support the LGBT community. But, dammit, if he were to avoid one of my friends just because he/she is gay, that would piss me off to no end and would seriously cause me to rethink marrying him.