"Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

mrsmagicgeek · September 2014

slb40 said:
PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

IrishPirate60 · September 2014

The title you gave to your post, OP, was already a clue.

"Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

This speaks volumes about your attitude.

slb40 · September 2014

mrsmagicgeek said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

slb40 said:

mrsmagicgeek said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

When you say that JOP weddings aren't "real weddings", it doesn't really matter what board you post to. You're going to get the same response.

It's just extra funny that it's the etiquette board.

ETA: Where would you want it moved?

Maggie0829 · September 2014

slb40 said:

mrsmagicgeek said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

There is no proper board for this because what you are trying to validate is not proper.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

slb40 said:

mrsmagicgeek said:

slb40 said:
PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

What is the correct board? We don't have a PPD board.

And a Vow Renewal is very different from a PPD.

photokitty · September 2014

slb40 said:

mrsmagicgeek said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

Do tell...what is the proper board to tell people their JOP/elopements/private weddings were not normal/real/formal/public?

The destinations wedding board? So you can tell all the elopers their wedding was just paperwork?

The second wedding board? But wait you didn't actually have a second wedding, bc you can't marry the same person twice without a divorce....

The military brides board? Tell all the ones that decided to have a JOP wedding and are happy with their choice that it was sooooo rough that you didn't get a "Real" wedding...

Maybe you should have posted on the Vow Renewal board, since that's what you had despite calling it a "real" wedding, and kept your insults and cruelty to yourself.

Mods do not go moving threads without good reason...if you asked for venue recommendations in Topeka then a mod would have happily moved it to assist you. There's no helping you in this situation, just keep digging and throwing your dirt/insults all over people whose wedding weren't up to your standards in the process...

Oh yeah, congrats and moral support and all that sunshine and crap, too... blah

lurkergirl · September 2014

I'm guessing OP had one reason and one reason only to start this thread:

sarawifenow · September 2014

slb40 said:

mrsmagicgeek said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
You do realize this is the etiquette board, right?

After the fact, yea. When I realized I was hoping a mod would be around to move it to the proper board. Didn't feel like making a new thread on the correct board due to the warm fuzzies everyone's offering.

You are completely missing the point that people are trying to make. You are being insulting. Here are your warm fuzzies. Happy now?

beethery · September 2014

Why bother with this shit? Also, if you're looking to provide emotional support, start your own PPD board where people interested in that might care. This ain't the place.

larrygaga · September 2014

No.

ohannabelle · September 2014

You wanted to be supportive? That was the point?

How about being supportive of all the weddings you insulted by referring to them as "not real" or "just paperwork?"

If you're so shallow to believe that a "real" wedding is defined by a big poofy white dress, hoopla and presents and parties, then you're defining it by all of the things that really don't matter.

Fact is, you married for benefits. (I'm assuming that's what you meant by Military reasons.) You wanted your cake, and to eat it on the spot. And then, for your vow renewal ceremony, instead did a staged performance of a wedding.

And yes, many people find that affected, phony, and self indulgent, and are uncomfortable being part of it. Because grownups don't play make believe wedding. They own their decisions with integrity.

tammym1001 · September 2014

Story time: a friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. Invitations were sent. It is a destination wedding for 100% of the guest list including the bride and groom. A couple weeks after the invitations were sent they changed their FB status to married. It turns out they went to the courthouse and got married that day, but they are still having their wedding when it was already scheduled. Several people had already made travel arrangements to be there (myself included) and everyone told them congratulations on their FB status update.

I don't care if it's considered rude or what their reasons were (they were slightly valid reasons) or anything else. What I do care about is that it hurt my feelings that they invited me to their wedding and then went and got married without thinking about how the guests who were coming to their wedding later would feel about that. I'm not mad at them and they will stay my friends, but I am disappointed that I didn't get to see them actually get married.

I would never tell them any of this because there isn't any reason to make them feel bad about something that they can't change now anyways. I will just keep my hurt and disappointment to myself (and internet strangers now).

wrigleyville · September 2014

Yeah, no.

An ex-friend of mine decided to rush to the courthouse and not tell anyone. Her FI was joining the Air Force. He wasn't getting deployed; she simply wanted the income and such because she was in school and didn't want to work. She also wanted the money to help plan her PPD. (Hence "ex-friend".) It leaked out, eventually, and while her family sort of shrugged it off, many of her friends were pissed.

People said they were excited to come, but it was because they were getting a free party with booze and food. They actually mocked her behind her back, joking that they should bring an "anniversary" card instead of a wedding card, as the PPD was about two years after their courthouse wedding.

Nobody said anything to her face, because that would make them just as rude, so they sucked it up, went to the free party, and then continued to snark about it behind her back.

ashley8918 · September 2014

Oh, for fuck's sake.

NYCMercedes · September 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Seriously?

What was the point of this post? You had a tacky PPD. Ok. Cool. Good for you. I won't be losing any sleep over it.

The truth^^^^. I'm all for parties and celebrations, just don't call a farce a wedding.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

Honestly, I'm going to a vow renewal in a month (they have been married a year or two). From what I can tell, this sounds like it's going to be a big do-over. They sent STDs and their invites were wedding-y (although I appreciate that the event is properly classified as a vow renewal / celebration of marriage). The one thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that they put a registry insert in the invite. Ew. I will tell the couple that I'm happy for them, but I'm secretly annoyed and won't say anything to them (or anyone they know).

But then again, this is my first time to know someone doing this. To the best of my knowledge, every wedding I've attended was the actual wedding and not a do-over.

freebread03 · September 2014

OP, I'm just curious as to why you don't consider a JOP or Courthouse Wedding to be a "real" wedding. Can you explain your rationale? I really am interested.

saacjw · September 2014

My best friend since childhood had a PPD. Here's the thing- she and her husband planned to have a courthouse wedding followed by a big blow out from pretty much the moment they got engaged because it made immigration issues easier to deal with. They never lied about being married, etc, BUT a lot of people still were 1) hurt that they weren't invited to or missed the actual wedding (including the bride's sister, who just wasn't able to get there because the date of the wedding was last minute) 2) wondered what the point was of the PPD. No one said anything to my friend, but as her best friend, I had questions and comments directed towards me. No one wanted to upset her or her husband or their families, but trust me, even people who seemed super supportive weren't. So, even in the "if they aren't lying about it" category, there will still be people upset.

littlestmonkey · September 2014

If everyone knows I don't have a problem with it, I don't see the point but each to their own. But I do strongly believe that EVERYONE should know. I am in the uncomfortable position of knowing two weddings are in fact PPDs - only a handful of people know about each and I'm not even close to either of these couples (as in, not even close enough that I'm invited to either 'wedding'). Knowing this piece of information when even the parents don't know, makes me incredibly uncomfortable Edited for spelling

abbyj700 · September 2014

sarahbear31 said:

Honestly, I'm going to a vow renewal in a month (they have been married a year or two). From what I can tell, this sounds like it's going to be a big do-over. They sent STDs and their invites were wedding-y (although I appreciate that the event is properly classified as a vow renewal / celebration of marriage). The one thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that they put a registry insert in the invite. Ew. I will tell the couple that I'm happy for them, but I'm secretly annoyed and won't say anything to them (or anyone they know).

But then again, this is my first time to know someone doing this. To the best of my knowledge, every wedding I've attended was the actual wedding and not a do-over.

Ugh - I found out while looking for wedding officiates that I attended a fake wedding of college friends. This was literally like 4 years after their wedding. When I asked for the contact information of their officiant, she gave it to me, and explained that he couldn't perform marriages in our state - and that they "did the legal ceremony" a few weeks beforehand in her parents home. It really rather disappointed me and hurt my feelings. I cried at a fake wedding apparently.

thisismynickname2 · September 2014

You do realize that what strikes a nerve is the "real wedding" verbiage, right? A white dress and public vows doesn't make a real wedding. The legal joining of two people is real, and also to many, the concurrent spiritual binding of two people is real.

If your husband was in a horrible car accident and you needed to see him- meaning only "family" could see him in ICU- would you say that you signed some papers but weren't "really" married yet? Of course not. You'd say that was your spouse, because you were really married when you signed papers.

If people want to get married quietly and throw a party later, as long as they're not lying about it people may be totally fine with it. If you want to say vows in front of people, at least call it a vow renewal instead of a wedding. Because that's what people are witnessing- the renewal of vows, not a wedding.

Get your facts straight and people will stop with the judgement.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

sarahbear31 said: Honestly, I'm going to a vow renewal in a month (they have been married a year or two). From what I can tell, this sounds like it's going to be a big do-over. They sent STDs and their invites were wedding-y (although I appreciate that the event is properly classified as a vow renewal / celebration of marriage). The one thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that they put a registry insert in the invite. Ew. I will tell the couple that I'm happy for them, but I'm secretly annoyed and won't say anything to them (or anyone they know).

But then again, this is my first time to know someone doing this. To the best of my knowledge, every wedding I've attended was the actual wedding and not a do-over.

***********ETF: Boxes***********************

Ugh. I would definitely NOT give them a gift.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

southernbelle0915, I def don't want to give them a gift. These are DH's friends, and I don't recall meeting them (most of his friends live in Austin). If he brings up the idea of the gift, then I'll oblige. But I'm not taking the initiative on this one.

Oh, and they requested semi-formal attire on the invite.

Jells2dot0 · September 2014

Yeah...

For a post that is supposed to be supportive, you certainly made me feel like my wedding was a poor choice, difficult decision, and in general/overall, crap. Not that I'll lose any sleep over it. I have one of the best marriages I could ever ask for and didn't need all of the hoopla to get there,

badbnagdway · September 2014

OP, I am not a PPD extremist. I can certainly understand why people have a small ceremony and a larger celebration when they can afford it. I don't think it's cool to lie, and I do find it all a little strange when folks re-do all of the motions in the larger celebration, but it's not something that keeps me awake at night.

I do, however, disagree with your use of the terms "normal" and "real" wedding in regards to larger/fancier affairs. Normal seems like an unoffensive word, but in reality it divides the world into what is normal and what is not normal and therefore inferior. Using the word "real" in the way you did implies that a JOP ceremony or other small ceremony is not real. Whenever you are legally married, you had a real wedding. If you choose to have another event later, it is not more real because you had more guests, booze or a fancy white dress, it is less real because you are already married.

Some people choose to have a wedding that is less traditional, or a wedding that is as private as possible, those weddings and marriages are not lesser because of it.

wrigleyville · September 2014

The thing that really pisses me off about these PPDs is that the B&G got married at a courthouse because it benefits them, such as claiming each other as a spouse for insurance, ICU access, military pay, etc.

When it doesn't benefit them, however, they go back to saying, "Oh, he's my fiance. That wasn't the REAL wedding. We aren't REALLY married."

Well if you weren't "REALLY married", then why in the fucking fuck are you claiming him/her as your spouse in order to get insurance, military pay, ICU access, etc? The only way you get those things is by being REALLY married, so own up to your choice and act like a fucking adult.

You want to be considered married in the eyes of the government but not by everybody else?

Well guess what, Princess Special Snowflakes - you can't have your cake and eat it too. To try to do so is selfish, immature, and stupid.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

wrigleyville said:

The thing that really pisses me off about these PPDs is that the B&G got married at a courthouse because it benefits them, such as claiming each other as a spouse for insurance, ICU access, military pay, etc.

When it doesn't benefit them, however, they go back to saying, "Oh, he's my fiance. That wasn't the REAL wedding. We aren't REALLY married."

Well if you weren't "REALLY married", then why in the fucking fuck are you claiming him/her as your spouse in order to get insurance, military pay, ICU access, etc? The only way you get those things is by being REALLY married, so own up to your choice and act like a fucking adult.

You want to be considered married in the eyes of the government but not by everybody else?

Well guess what, Princess Special Snowflake - you can't have your cake and eat it too. To try to do so is selfish, immature, and stupid.

Amen.

jerkyanne · September 2014

wrigleyville said:
The thing that really pisses me off about these PPDs is that the B&G got married at a courthouse because it benefits them, such as claiming each other as a spouse for insurance, ICU access, military pay, etc.

When it doesn't benefit them, however, they go back to saying, "Oh, he's my fiance. That wasn't the REAL wedding. We aren't REALLY married."

Well if you weren't "REALLY married", then why in the fucking fuck are you claiming him/her as your spouse in order to get insurance, military pay, ICU access, etc? The only way you get those things is by being REALLY married, so own up to your choice and act like a fucking adult.

You want to be considered married in the eyes of the government but not by everybody else?

Well guess what, Princess Special Snowflakes - you can't have your cake and eat it too. To try to do so is selfish, immature, and stupid.

Every word of this.

I've known quite a few awesome weddings put together in less than 3 months for one of those reasons. (one in a month and a half. God bless her) none were super extravagant but they were weddings, and they were touching and nice. My FMiL and FFiL were JOP, yep still married. And they have nothing but fond memories of getting married. The points in the end is that you are gaining a spouse. That should be most important. Every thing else is just a bonus.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

wrigleyville said:

The thing that really pisses me off about these PPDs is that the B&G got married at a courthouse because it benefits them, such as claiming each other as a spouse for insurance, ICU access, military pay, etc.

When it doesn't benefit them, however, they go back to saying, "Oh, he's my fiance. That wasn't the REAL wedding. We aren't REALLY married."

Well if you weren't "REALLY married", then why in the fucking fuck are you claiming him/her as your spouse in order to get insurance, military pay, ICU access, etc? The only way you get those things is by being REALLY married, so own up to your choice and act like a fucking adult.

You want to be considered married in the eyes of the government but not by everybody else?

Well guess what, Princess Special Snowflakes - you can't have your cake and eat it too. To try to do so is selfish, immature, and stupid.

"Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

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