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Wedding Etiquette Forum
renshouse
member
Bridesmaid wants to bring twins dress shopping
This scenario happened a month ago but it has bothered me and I needed to get advice/perspective from someone who isnt family.
When I picked my bridesmaids I ended up picking my future brother in laws gf (we will call her sally). We arent super close but we are going to be family and I thought it would be a nice gesture. My FBIL and her just had twins (they will be 6 months when we go dress shopping for both my dress and the bridesmaids).
I had planned a date around my FMIL schedule so she should come (its a 2 hour drive to the bridal store). She decided she didnt want to come (its not her thing and I dont take offence). At this time I messaged Sally so we could pick a different date. She ended up telling me that if my FMIL didnt go, she couldnt because she needed her to watch the twins (i didnt think the twins would be coming, they will be a handful and a distraction) Also I should mention that she had already told me she couldnt do the bachelorette (she told my sister she didnt want to be away from the twins and told me it was due to money, which i told her was okay and i honestly wasnt upset)
I was extremely polite and mention how FMIL did not want to go but how Sally still needed to come because we needed to pick the bridesmaid dresses (I am allowing them to pick with my approval. we are doing multiple styles). She said that she had to bring the twins and that she couldnt watch them on her own. (I am not making my other bridesmaids and mother watch her twins as they will be busy as well).
I tried to come up with alternatives: my FMIL offered to babysit, my fiance offered to help his brother watch them since twins can be a handful. She ended up saying that she couldnt leave them with anyone because she is breastfeeding and needs to feed them every 2 hours and it would be unfair to her twins and her to give them a bottle (im not a mom but every 2 hours seems a lot. I know all children are different. I didnt think a bottle would be a hasel but i honestly wouldnt know). I tried to be polite and offer alternatives and she became really rude and defensive. I ultimately told her that we could not bring the twins as no one will be able to watch them and I would be prefer not having distractions. She took offence to this and immediately "quit" as my bridesmaid. She called my FMIL and told her everything, im very private so i did not appreciate this. She also deleted me and my family off facebook (i know i shouldnt be upset about that but i am and its a little childish of her)
I spoke with my FMIL and she is not mad at me and doesnt think I did anything wrong, she thinks in the end it was good she quit. My FMIL doesnt really like her. My mom and sister and other bridesmaids all agreed that I had the right to tell her she couldnt bring the twins, I also spoke with other moms and brides and they all agreed. Was I in the wrong? I just have been stressed out and have been looking forward to dress shopping and didnt want any distractions. It also doesnt help that the day after the argument she wouldnt stop texting me and harrassing me at work.
I feel terrible because at family events its been awkward for me and I dont want to cause drama but i feel as though she should have tried to come up with a solution as well. Any advice would be appreciated
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Re: Bridesmaid wants to bring twins dress shopping
She was probably being defensive because every time she explained not wanting to leave them because of breastfeeding, you kept trying to overstep your boundaries. I would have probably quit too, tbh.
I think your FBIL'S girlfriend should have been "allowed" to bring her kids, but only if she fully intended to care for them on her own without foisting them on others. As a BM in your wedding, I'd be annoyed as fuck if the girlfriend expected me or any other BM to watch her kids so she could shop.
Feeding kids is a highly personal and controversial topic, but the girlfriend should probably understand that not every outing or place is appropriate for kids and she should probably get used to declining these outings or leaving her kids with their father and bottles of breast milk.
As far as how you handled the conversation, I don't think you were unreasonable at all. It sounds like the girlfriend is overly dramatic and one if those parents that is going to insist her kids be included in everything and take it as a personal insult when they aren't invited to events.
ETA: Point of clarification before everyone jumps down my throat, i wasnt sayibg that i didnt think tge girlfriend shouldn't bring her kids. Hell my SIL took her less than 1 month old out with her when she went looking for a dress for my wedding. There's no problem with women taking young kids out anywhere.
However OP stated that the girlfriend stated that she needed her boyfriend's mother to go dress shopping with her because she couldn't watch her kids by herself while she shopped.
I get that twins can be a handful, but IMO if you can't watch the kids yourself, and their grandmother doesn't want to go, then you should probably decline this trip or leave the kids with their father and uncle at home. You shouldn't expect strangers to watch your kids.
Also, I agree that the OP really doesn't need to micromanage BM dress shopping and should have just told the GF to go pick a dress whenever she could.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
1) Bridesmaids don't have to be there to chose a dress. You can send them to the website or send them pictures of the dress and let them choose. (Dresses should be within the budget you have previously discussed in private with your bridesmaids). Such a huge shopping trip frankly was a little unnecessary.
2) You should only chose your nearest and dearest to be bridesmaids. Choosing your FBIL's GF was a nice gesture, but not necessary.
3) You should understand that new mom's (and especially of twins) have a lot going on. For her to take out 6+ hours (4 hours driving time plus maybe 2 hours of shopping) is a huge deal and inconvenience for her. Also, being a bridesmaid might have been just a little more than she could handle at the moment. I don't even know if I could find the time to dedicate to a marathon of shopping like that.
4) Is she being a little immature with the deleting of facebook and calling the other family members? Yes, but it's over and done with. Move forward and have a good time. She sounds like drama, so fighting back will only serve to create more drama.
It sounds like she was looking for a way out. You guys weren't particularly close, and being in a wedding is a huge commitment. You could have honored her with a corsage at the wedding instead (and can still do so if you choose).
I totally understand where you are coming from having twins at the salon. A few months ago my best friend's bridesmaid brought her one year old, and she ran around everywhere sticking things in her mouth. The sales associate was horrified when the baby started to pull and suck on the veils. It was annoying. BUT, a six month old won't even really be walking yet. As long as she was tending to them, there really wasn't any reason not to have them.
When I was a new mother and still breastfeeding I hated pumping and my son eventually began to prefer bottles. So starting bottles when you are not ready is not a decision i think anyone but yourself can make. And bridesmaid dress shopping for a ss is not one i would pick.
This is a new mother of newborn twins. One baby is a lot of work, let alone two. And whether she breastfeeds or gives a bottle is none of your business. She's the parent, she gets to decide how she raises her children. When you have children, you get to decide for them. Most of my friends are new moms - there is no way they would hire a sitter for dress shopping or spend a significant time away from their child while still breastfeeding. And even those that have gone back to work basically have to schedule everything around their pumping schedule. But regardless - not your child, so not your call and you majorly overstepped some boundaries there.
So the crux of your post is that you have now alienated a future family member who will be in your life for as long as both of your marriages last for the sake of turning clothes shopping for your one day party into an "event".
Apologize. Tell her that you're sorry things ended up this way and apologize for not being empathetic to the demands of being a mother to newborn twins. Tell her that you still very much look forward to seeing her and her husband at the wedding. Make a nice casserole that can be easily reheated and bring it over to her house as a peace offering because she's a sleep-deprived mother to newborn twins and is probably too tired to cook, let alone turn dress shopping into an all day event.
ETA: The basis for my answer is that OP never should have let it get that far in the first place, imo, so what happened afterwards is a bit irrelevant even if the bridesmaid could have handled it better. After she said she couldn't leave the kids alone and wouldn't be able to go along with this now that FMIL wasn't coming would have been the place to say "Gee, I really wanted the whole bridal party there, but coordinating seems to be difficult with how young the kids are. How do you feel about just picking out a dress on your own time? Or, maybe we can have a texting date and we can text you pictures of the dresses we're trying on so you can see them and weigh in?" There were so many ways to handle this gracefully before it became the trainwreck that it did.
I'm not a total unreasonable baby hater!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
That child is on a mission!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
They do not need to order their dresses at the same time. Dye lots are not an issue these days. Just pick a length, color, maybe fabric, maybe designer, and let your bridesmaids get their dresses on their own schedule and according to their own budgets.
You don't need to have all your bridesmaids there to try on dresses. You could even go to her one day and go to a different store and try on dresses just the two of you or with your FMIL also.
My sis wants to do this also....I love her but no I am not going to drive 4 hours both ways to try on dresses for an hour or 2 in another state....and I dont even have any kids to use as an excuse!
Well, now sounds like a perfect time to practice not being so co-dependent on each other. Just because they WANT something to go a certain way doesn't mean you make it that way to the exclusion of others. Because clearly one bridesmaid didn't want to go shopping as badly as she needed to be available for her newborn twins. Traveling with one newborn is a three ring circus in and of itself - two is just a logistical nightmare, so of course she wants help.
Something like David's Bridal sounds ideal - you can pick the color(s), they can pick the styles that work best for their body types (because really, unless they've never worn a dress before, they can take a pretty good guess without trying on the exact dress whether empire waist or sleeveless or a halter top or an a-line is going to look good on them). But again, moot point - the one with the twins already quit so just apologize to her for letting things get out of hand and take the rest of your bridesmaids to the store like you want.
But seriously the twins are six months old. They do not need to be breast fed every two hours. Not even new borns require feedings that often. A just born, breast-fed baby should be fed every three to four hours. By six months they usually have started some solid foods and certainly do not require feedings quite so frequently. The mother should never expect others to provide her with free childcare. And if she was concerned with the twins being a handful, she can always go at a later time or hire a babysitter. I'm sure a high schooler would be happy to earn some extra cash to tag along.
Did she indicate that she wanted to go with you to pick out a dress? I didn't plan my dress shopping around anyone's schedules except for me, my mom, and my sister. That was it. No entourage is necessary.
Yes, newborns "typically" eat/nurse every three-four hours.
She has two of them, so it's absolutely understandable to say every two hours, depending on how she feeds them. (So, one now, time for milk supply to catch up a little, one in a couple of hours).
Babies in no way should be expected to be on solids at six months, this is absolutely parents choice, and with twins, they may well be later starting. Even if they are on solids... Newly introduced means a couple spoonfuls of apple purée along with regular milk feeds, not a three course meal. (Not that anyone suggested that, just making a point).
As a breast feeding mother, "leaving breast milk home in a bottle for dad to feed" is absolutely no way as easy as that. It's an extremely personal choice, and not always possible.
My son had no issue at all going from breast to bottle and back as he wished. My friend had twin girls. She breast fed for three months. One twin went straight on the bottle first go. She breast fed the other girl for nearly five more months. The second baby never had a bottle. Went from the breast to solids and sippy cups.
Stating that you need to breast feed six month olds every two hours is somewhat OTT, I would say, however, as a new (and probably severely sleep-deprived) mother, I can see why she would be worrying about that.
Expecting to take babies everywhere-all-the-time-for-every-outing is ridiculous. You make the choice to have children, you learn to accept that children are not always welcome/able to attend every event, and you learn to either make arrangements for said children/events, or miss out on those events.
Ultimately, in all that... I think there was wrong on both sides. Either, let it ruin the friendship, or apologise and move on.
I agree with a lot of the other posters that you both have some blame on you. You for the fact that you are making assumptions about what/when her babies can and need to eat. Her for making the assumption that FMIL can watch the kids. I don't think it is a battle that either of you can really win because opinions on raising children differ - especially when one person has twins and the other person does not. I personally do not have kids. However, after my sister had twins while also have a 1.5 I always check myself when I make assumptions about what can and cannot be done with kids, but also what she should and should not expect from family.
With that being said, I'd like to make a quick comment about the above post. It sounds like your FBIL GF just might not be as interested and into the dress shopping as you are. To keep the peace (or get it back) - I'd just accept the fact she can't make it, move on and send her her options. This way it is on her to get the dress and she can do it on her own schedule. This point is always reiterated - but the ONLY expectations of a bridesmaid is to get the dress and show up the day of. If she fails to get the dress - she isn't in the wedding anymore (if she ends up coming back - as I do recall you mentioned that she quit).