Do I fire the photographer? - update (vent)

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

novella1186 said:

The whole sharing everything with my parents thing came out of yet another dramatic blow-up. My mom was being a total nightmare about the guest list and literally starting a matter of HOURS after we got engaged, she started nagging me about who I was going to invite. I had no idea I was getting engaged, so I hadn't even thought of any wedding stuff yet.

After we made a guest list (and I was very considerate in inviting as many of my parents friends as possible while still trying to keep the small intimate wedding FI and I both wanted and staying within our budget) she continued to nag me to no end and tried to make me feel bad about not inviting other people (like the woman who babysat me once more than 20 years ago who's the sister of a friend of my parents).

She was bombarding me with emails and texts while I was at work, so finally I got fed up and replied to whatever naggy question she asked with a simple "NO. And I'm done talking about this. The end." Well, my mother ran to my sister and cried about how I was being so mean to her and acting like a bitch. My sister (here's the ironic part, since my sister constantly treats my parents like total garbage just like she does to everyone else) became enraged that I was "being such a terrible person" and completely went off on me. Like screamed at me and insulted me for over an hour, called me all kinds of names, said how dare I treat mom like "shit" etc etc etc.

This caused me to do some self-reflection and question if maybe I was being too impatient and rude to my mom, so I took a deep breath and started sharing more with her and discussing more with her so she wouldn't feel hurt and I wouldn't feel like a terrible person. Families are great, aren't they?

And you accepted help with food/bar from them why? If she was crazypants from the get-go... whatever, the ship has sailed.

Look. I'm sorry your mom and sister feed off drama. It's not your problem unless you let it be your problem. Quite frankly, you sound like you've been allowing them to dictate stuff all along (photographer, linens, guest list, etc.). I can't imagine how annoyed your fiance is hearing about this bullshit over and over and over again.

STOP SHARING WEDDING DETAILS. Just stop. Who cares if she cries and sobs like a child to your sister who feeds the drama fire? Let her tantrum pass and hang up the phone if your sister calls you ranting and raving.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

novella1186 said:

The whole sharing everything with my parents thing came out of yet another dramatic blow-up. My mom was being a total nightmare about the guest list and literally starting a matter of HOURS after we got engaged, she started nagging me about who I was going to invite. I had no idea I was getting engaged, so I hadn't even thought of any wedding stuff yet.

After we made a guest list (and I was very considerate in inviting as many of my parents friends as possible while still trying to keep the small intimate wedding FI and I both wanted and staying within our budget) she continued to nag me to no end and tried to make me feel bad about not inviting other people (like the woman who babysat me once more than 20 years ago who's the sister of a friend of my parents).

She was bombarding me with emails and texts while I was at work, so finally I got fed up and replied to whatever naggy question she asked with a simple "NO. And I'm done talking about this. The end." Well, my mother ran to my sister and cried about how I was being so mean to her and acting like a bitch. My sister (here's the ironic part, since my sister constantly treats my parents like total garbage just like she does to everyone else) became enraged that I was "being such a terrible person" and completely went off on me. Like screamed at me and insulted me for over an hour, called me all kinds of names, said how dare I treat mom like "shit" etc etc etc.

This caused me to do some self-reflection and question if maybe I was being too impatient and rude to my mom, so I took a deep breath and started sharing more with her and discussing more with her so she wouldn't feel hurt and I wouldn't feel like a terrible person. Families are great, aren't they?

Ok, so there's a whole lot of dysfunction going on in your family.

I agree with OliveOilsMom that talking to a therapist that specializes in families might be very helpful to you in general. I'd also recommend this (<- Click) book as a starting point to help you get some sanity in dealing with your mother and sister.

Like I said, your mother is a conflict driven person and I suspect your sister is as well based on how you have described her and by virtue of the fact that she choose to create conflict with you by picking a fight with you over an issue that should have remained between you and your mother.

Why on Earth did you stand in the same room as your sister and let her rail at you for an hour?

Also as OliveOIlsMom suggested practice creating and enforcing your boundaries with these people by physically leaving the room, hanging up the phone, etc. when they insist on pushing those boundaries and attempt to start a fight with you. Learn to stop engaging them. People like your mother and sister will move on to the next victim when they learn they can't get their desired reaction out of you.

novella1186 · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost, I seriously just went on Amazon and ordered that book.

It's been really eye-opening to get some outside opinions and advice from all of you. Thank you, yet again! You guys are my voice of reason. I appreciate it.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

novella1186 said:

PrettyGirlLost, I seriously just went on Amazon and ordered that book.

It's been really eye-opening to get some outside opinions and advice from all of you. Thank you, yet again! You guys are my voice of reason. I appreciate it.

I hope it helps, and I'm sorry your family is so BSC and stressful ><

KatieinBkln · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

The whole sharing everything with my parents thing came out of yet another dramatic blow-up. My mom was being a total nightmare about the guest list and literally starting a matter of HOURS after we got engaged, she started nagging me about who I was going to invite. I had no idea I was getting engaged, so I hadn't even thought of any wedding stuff yet.

After we made a guest list (and I was very considerate in inviting as many of my parents friends as possible while still trying to keep the small intimate wedding FI and I both wanted and staying within our budget) she continued to nag me to no end and tried to make me feel bad about not inviting other people (like the woman who babysat me once more than 20 years ago who's the sister of a friend of my parents).

She was bombarding me with emails and texts while I was at work, so finally I got fed up and replied to whatever naggy question she asked with a simple "NO. And I'm done talking about this. The end." Well, my mother ran to my sister and cried about how I was being so mean to her and acting like a bitch. My sister (here's the ironic part, since my sister constantly treats my parents like total garbage just like she does to everyone else) became enraged that I was "being such a terrible person" and completely went off on me. Like screamed at me and insulted me for over an hour, called me all kinds of names, said how dare I treat mom like "shit" etc etc etc.

This caused me to do some self-reflection and question if maybe I was being too impatient and rude to my mom, so I took a deep breath and started sharing more with her and discussing more with her so she wouldn't feel hurt and I wouldn't feel like a terrible person. Families are great, aren't they?

Ok, so there's a whole lot of dysfunction going on in your family.

I agree with OliveOilsMom that talking to a therapist that specializes in families might be very helpful to you in general. I'd also recommend this (<- Click) book as a starting point to help you get some sanity in dealing with your mother and sister.

Like I said, your mother is a conflict driven person and I suspect your sister is as well based on how you have described her and by virtue of the fact that she choose to create conflict with you by picking a fight with you over an issue that should have remained between you and your mother.

Why on Earth did you stand in the same room as your sister and let her rail at you for an hour?

Also as OliveOIlsMom suggested practice creating and enforcing your boundaries with these people by physically leaving the room, hanging up the phone, etc. when they insist on pushing those boundaries and attempt to start a fight with you. Learn to stop engaging them. People like your mother and sister will move on to the next victim when they learn they can't get their desired reaction out of you.

So much this!

I suggest you practice this line for your sister: "I wouldn't let my worst enemy talk to me this way. Goodbye." And then for god's sake, follow through and leave! You're an adult (keep repeating this to yourself) and you don't have to put up with certain things, even from family. Families are comprised of people, and people must learn how to behave in ways that create positive results. If you leave the room/hang up the phone when your sister starts going off on you, she will eventually learn that the only times she gets to talk with you (and have a relationship with you) are when she behaves herself. It's good old fashioned behavioral training, not to mention it'll keep you sane.

If you need fortitude, try reminding yourself that when you express an opinion, she blows up and makes it about how horrible you are, whereas whenever she blows up at you, you take some time for self-reflection. This speaks volumes about your respective maturity levels, but it also tells me that you could use a little perspective here--when your sister or mother tells you "you're being X," chances are that what they're saying has little bearing on what you actually are, and has much more to do with their own insecurities and need for power.

thelastdreamer · September 2014

Woah. This is INSANE!

I echo all the PPs, and would just like to add - DO WHAT YOU WANT. Plan the wedding you want. Don't tell your mom ANYTHING unless it relates specifically to items they are paying for. If she throws a fit and texts everyone that you're a horrible mean person, OH WELL. Let it go. Let her rant, rave, bitch and throw a complete hissy fit. She has to be taught that throwing a fit will not cause you to cave to her inane wishes.

SP29 · September 2014

Wow. Sorry your family is being like this.

I can't believe how crazy weddings make people- though it seems like you've got family issues in general.

I agree- deal with K as a professional. If you don't trust her, get another photographer. We had issues with our photographer. Prior to the wedding however, she was great. Wedding day great. But afterward! I remember initially my husband mentioning that he thought she was kind of flaky, but we didn't think of it as a red flag more her personality. However, if my husband ever mentions something like that again, I will trust his gut! HUGE communication issues (not responding to email or phone). Our contract stated we would receive our photos within 12 weeks, we didn't get them until 7 MONTHS later! And even then, some photos were missing from the second shooter that the photographer has now told us (again, weeks after we contacted her about it) that she will deal with. Wonder how long this will take.

Nothing in our contract about communication time. But we did send her 2 registered letters, and submitted a complaint through the Better Business Bureau. We did tell her if we did not receive the photos by X date that we would take her to small claims court- but I"m glad that so far we've avoided that because Small Claims court isn't so peachy. Even if you win the case you can still have issues collecting the money.

You could send her an e-mail (or better yet a registered letter) stating that you have found her lack of communication unprofessional and would expect a faster turn around time on communication from ANY business (I think a simple email turn around should be 2 business days, but if it requires "work" of any sort, at least within 2 weeks). You could say that you wish to terminate your business agreement due to the same and request the return of your deposit due as you feel the contract has been voided due to lack of professionalism. You may not get the deposit back, but you can always try. And better to go with someone you trust.

If you do end the contract, make sure you give notice in writing.

As for the family- limit the details. Hard I know, but either be prepared to respond to, "OMG you CAN'T have white linens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" with something such as "FI and I have chosen white, and the subject is now closed" or stop sharing at all. "Don't worry, FI and I have it covered!"

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Having some real crazies in my family as well, here's something that is going to make things eleventy-billion times better.

1. Never give them specifics

2. Always bean dip

3. Give them one warning to not bring it, or else you're going to hang up / leave. And when they violate it? Do it. Get up, leave, hang up the phone, turn it off, mark their e-mails as spam, and go pour yourself a glass of wine.

Do I fire the photographer? - update (vent)

Re: Do I fire the photographer? - update (vent)

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