Had a boyfriend in my early 20's (I really should have known better) who was 100% supported by his parents because they enabled him and he took advantage. He was wrapping up school and trying to find a teaching job. He eventually moved in with me (another mistake), and clearly I in his eyes became his new mother, the way he treated me. He was disgusting, would leave out plates
So that didn't last long, and I ended things. He was devastated... maybe a week or so post-breakup and after he got the rest of his stuff out of my apartment, I was at the mall and see he starts texting me. I specifically remember being in the check out at VS, and he sends a dick pic... and then another and then one of him crying, saying he just needs me one last time (which is funny since during the relationship he neglected to care much about my satisfaction in that area).
My college roomie had a good story. We weren't necessarily good friends, but when you live with a stranger for a year you learn a thing or two about a person.
My roomie "Jane" was dating a guy that lived the high life. He bought her pricey handbags, jewelry, clothes, the finest restaurants. He loved showering her with wealth. He loved flashing bills. He had a wonderful apartment that was furnished impeccably.
He was also a coke dealer.
Jane swears she didn't know right away but she was okay with it, as long he kept flashing the bills. But Coke Dealer had a crazy Ex "Bambi" who was obsessed.
Jane tells me Bambi would break into Coke Dealer's apartment and put pictures of herself up all over the apartment. She'd smash any photos of Jane. Coke Dealer finally fessed up that Bambi had a key to his apartment and just hadn't got around to changing the locks.
The reason Jane broke up with him was because Bambi still had a key. Not because he was a Coke dealer or that Bambi was crazy.
Ai yi yi....
(She also had a friend who would use abortions as birth control. I wonder about Jane and all her messed up friends sometimes.....)
Loving the stories! Thanks ladies. Here are two of mine...rather tame in comparison, but pretty funny.
Between my last long term B/F and meeting my husband, I discovered online dating. OH.MY.GOD. Man, was that seven months of an action-packed, ongoing roller coaster ride. All in all, an actually pretty great time in my life. But I digress.
So I met this one guy (Scott) early on. Our first date was at a casual restaurant. Turns out he had suggested it because he had a coupon. Mmmm...okay. I admit I'm a thrifty girl myself, but just seems an odd thing to bring up on a first date. He does at least pay the whole bill and even tips decently. So the coupon thing was not too big a deal. We then go across the street to a bar.
I must tell you all first before I finish, I have really long hair that goes all the way down my back. It's gorgeous (if I do say so myself) and I've gotten compliments on it from friends and even strangers all my life. Back to the story. He looks deeply in my eyes and says, "You know, you would look really good with short hair." I'm thinking, "Wow, did you seriously just criticize a girl's hair on a first date? No wonder you are single." But graciously replied back, "Oh, thank you. But I've always had my hair long and I really like it that way." His response, "No, really! I think you should cut your hair. I think it would look better." Good job, slick. Way to double down on the first date blunder. He calls and asks me out again and I give him the ole' "you seem like a great guy, but I just don't think we are a good fit" excuse. To which he responds that he is disappointed and understands, but would I at least be interested in some no-strings-attached-sex, because it has been a really long time for him. Umm...no dude...if I don't want to even date you again, I am REALLY not interested in that.
But it doesn't stop there. Six months later, he starts up a chat conversation with me and I pretty immediately realize he doesn't remember we have already met. I remind him who I am and the date we went on. His response? (And, omg, it's PRICELESS) "Oh yeah! For some reason I didn't recognize you. I thought your hair was shorter." I literally had to get up from my desk chair and go die of laughter on my couch.
2nd story:
Another online dating one. I start chatting to this guy and he is coming on really strong right away. Stuff like he saw my pic and just knew I was the girl for him. We chat for awhile and he asks if I am seeing anyone. I tell him, "Not anyone regularly, but I'm meeting a guy for a first date in about an hour." He tries to talk me out of going on the date. I mean, this is the first time he and I had ever chatted! Over the next week, we chat a number of other times. I think the second time we chatted he wanted me to agree that I wouldn't date anyone else. Ummm...WE haven't even been on a first date yet. I know, I know. Huge warning signs. Don't know what I was thinking.
He tells me multiple times that his favorite fantasy is having sex with me in the limo after our wedding, with me still wearing my wedding dress. I kid you not.
The weird thing was, with all his histrionics about how I'm "the one" and "please don't date anyone else",he wasn't all that gung-ho about actually meeting me. However we do...much to my mistake. And the date itself was fine and pretty normal. But after it, the neediness reached a fevered pitch. And he still wasn't that gungho about setting up a second date. In fact, we did set up a second date, and he backed out the morning of. He keeps telling me he can't bear the thought of my dating someone else and I keep telling him I need to go out with him more and us get to know each other better before I can make that kind of decision.
Finally, a few days after breaking our second date, he tells me over chat that he just can't take it anymore...its too much heartache for him...and he only wants to be friends. I tell him I understand and think that is wise. Fast forward a week and he starts chatting to me about these two girls he started going out with and isn't sure which one he wants a relationship with. I'm rolling my eyes, but give him practical advice on that. Apparently the fact that I took this information in such stride infuriated him.
The next day he sends me this longwinded e-mail about how he is not dating anyone else and was just trying to make me jealous. But obviously I didn't care. The further I read into the e-mail, the nastier and meaner it got. I didn't even finish reading it because it started upsetting me. He also told me in the e-mail that he had volunteered for a 6-month tour in Japan (he was in the Navy) so he could get away from the horrible women in America, like me (and, yes, he was an American also).
I swear, until that guy, I never realized how much drama could come out of one date! lol.
Argh! TK ate my paragraphs. I will try to edit again on a different computer later today, because that is WAY too long a post to be without paragrpahs.
Probably my biggest "Hello? Are you awake yet? Ready to get yourself some standards" moment while dating was I was in Milwaukee with 2 of my friends meeting up with the boyfriend of one friend and his two buddies. So I mean, naturally, you just pair off, right? Well, I got the guy who had just been dumped by a woman he was with for five years. Great. So I'm going to be taking one for the team. I did NOT intend to take two for the team directly in the ass.
Apparently this guy had in his mind that all girls like their ass played with. That's what his ex liked, so by all means, doesn't that include the rest of us? We weren't even having sex! We were just doing almost sex and I felt a little creeping around the backdoor. That's okay, we're super drunk, he probably just doesn't know where he's going. So I take my hand and give him a redirect. ...Right back to where it was. But in the interest of being a good sport? friend? drunk girl that didn't want to stop all my other friends from getting it in, I let it go. Nope. NOPE. NOPE. 30 seconds later, I'm getting some sort of exam on a part I'm fairly certain I don't have. I mean, I'm no Dr. House, but I've seen all the episodes. He was digging like I should've had the parts he was looking for. And as if it could get more rude -- Not like he asked or anything if he could do digging for gold -- when I promptly removed his hand from my posterior, HE TRIED TO TOUCH MY FACE.
Where this dude came from, I don't know. But I flicked on the lights, ruined the party for all the rest and when I got the "WTF are you doing?" from my friends, I indulged them in the shenanigans. Promptly got a "Dude, no." from my friends who then relayed what had happened to the friends of this guy, I get a text message. "I'm really sorry I put my fingers in your butt. I thought all girls liked that." I explained to him, NO WE DO NOT. Then he asked if I could come over again and give a tutorial on what girls like. Fairly certain I changed my phone number after that. Ugh. Gross.
(thanks for eating my paragraphs TK)
I have so many stories. My MOH told me she was sad that I was getting married because I always had the BEST dating stories. I was the Blanche (as in "Golden Girls") of our group.
To be honest, I sort of miss it too. I love H, but I do miss being the one with the hilarious, fucked-up dating stories.
So here's another one.
I met this guy on Yahoo, and he seemed nice enough. He was a Psychology major, just like me, and we lived in the same town. He liked board games, blah blah blah. He sort of looked like a momma's boy (don't ask me how I can tell; I just can), but I was bored and wanted to go out, so I agreed to meet up with him.
He picked me up in his beige Buick. I'm not one to judge, but then he tried to impress me with the "sound system" (which was stock) by playing Dave Matthews. What?
Then, every time we stopped at a light, he would shift it into neutral. When the light turned green, he'd shift into drive. I think he was trying to pretend he had a manual transmission? It was weird.
So he took me to Noodles & Company, which was new at the time. I'm a fan of pasta. We had a decent conversation. I could tell I wasn't into him, but he had friend potential for sure.
But then, we were talking about our families, and I said I was adopted when I was a baby. He looked at me and said, "You're adopted? You know, I could tell."
How the fuck can you tell? Do I have a barcode? And then I thought, "Is he saying I act like I have a fear of abadonment?" I was so shocked I couldn't even ask, so I bean dipped him.
Then, on the way home, he kept putting his hand on my leg. I kept moving it off. Rinse. Repeat.
So we get to the house, and he leans in for a kiss. I move back and say, "I had a nice time, but I don't think this is going to work." He legit started crying. I felt bad, so I told him we could still chat online and maybe go out another time (lies).
This is where it gets weird.
We were looking for another housemate, so my housemate put an ad on Craiglist later that week. I come home from work one night, and this guy is standing in my fucking living room, taking a tour. I'm all, "Ummm..." and he just waves and grins and goes, "HI ROOMIE!" I gave my housemate a deer-in-headlights look, and thank god she picked up on it. She told him, "Well, I need to talk it over with Wrigley, and we have other people lined up for interviews, so we'll let you know."
I was in color guard; he was in the drum line. He kind of sucked at snare and couldn't read music, but he was super cute and I was into the idea of being a "band couple". Our first date was "Mortal Kombat". I feel so old.
Anyway, after we'd kissed a couple times, he said I kissed differently than this other girl he'd been really into right before me. I got mad, and he said it wasn't bad, just different.
Every time we tried to sleep together, he'd come as I put the condom on. If he managed to get past that, he'd come as soon as he got inside. It was frustrating, but I really liked him, so I researched ways to work on it. We eventually resolved the issue, but it happened when we were in a clearing in the woods on a night with a full moon. It was beautiful and magical (the woods, not the sex), but because he lasted for several minutes instead of coming right away, he honest to god thought he drew power from the forest.
From then on, we always had sex in his car, parked in the woods. Once we transitioned into winter, I put the kibosh on that and told him to figure it out inside. He insisted on surrounding his bed with branches from the trees in the clearing. Sigh. Whatever.
But then he got REALLY weird. He "confessed" that he was a dark elf. What? I thought he was joking, but he was dead serious. He said he scared a girl at school one day because he "changed" for a brief second in front of her. He said his elven name was Keldreth.
Part of me blames myself, because when I first met him, I said he reminded me of an elf. His features were elven, but not like truly pointed ears and stuff. He just sort of looked like the elves in LotR (which wasn't out yet, but it's a good comparison). He had the tilted eyes, sharp-ish ears, long dark hair, and slim build.
Anyway, he kept up with the elf shit, and then I was done. I really liked him - I think I loved him, actually - but I just couldn't do it anymore. He kept telling me more and more crazy stories, and then he told me he had to find his true mate. I was sad he was losing his mind and I was losing him, but omfg.
I moved away at the end of the semester, and we kept in touch. He used to call me at 4:00 AM to warn me about incoming storms, as they would "disrupt the energy bands" running through his area, and his psychic aura or whatever might lash out and hurt me, but he didn't mean to, etc. I told him to stop calling me at 4:00 AM and there were no such thing as psychic energy bands. He said he could feed off of them, and that's why sex in the woods was better than sex in the house.
@wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.
@wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.
also
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK
I give nonefucks about how much someone loves fantasy books and games. I play World of Warcraft sometimes, and I love movies like "Lord of the Rings", "Labyrinth", etc.
But he took it waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too far.
@wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.
also
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK
I give nonefucks about how much someone loves fantasy books and games. I play World of Warcraft sometimes, and I love movies like "Lord of the Rings", "Labyrinth", etc.
But he took it waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too far.
I'm going to start this story but saying that I still feel horribly guilty about this even though I didn't know any better.
When I was 17 I went to a concert with friends to see some local bands. I was a little drunk and the bassist of this one band was super hot. So in all my stupid teenage drunkeness I decided to hit on him after the show. He was 19 and horny so obviously he went for it. We ended up spending two weeks together in a hotel room drinking, getting high and having sex. Every thing was well and good until his phone rang when he was in he shower and I answered it to the voice of his furious wife. Yeah jack ass was married and never thought to mention it.
When I was a teenager, I was one of those freaky metal kids. NOT goth (LOLing at myself). I was 17 when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was out with a friend from work and ran into this long haired guy delivering a pizza. I told coworker "THAT is the kind of guy I need!" because he looked all "metal". Coworker went to school with him and apparently he asked about me. So dude gave him my number. He has a weird name - we'll call him Bronze. So Bronze calls me and wants to "go out". Well, "going out" is him picking me up and going back to his house. So we do.
He shows up in a hearse. I LOVED it. Dude had long hair, a Pantera tattoo and a fucking hearse. I was sold. We drank and smoked and made out. Like a month later, we had sex for the first time. I go to work the next day and IMMEDIATELY coworker comes up to me and starts yelling at me ' "You told me you weren't going to sleep with him!". Umm. Sorry dude...?
This Bronze guy and I "date" (he literally never took me anywhere other than a party) for a few months and shit starts getting weirder and weirder. We would drink a lot and somehow a friend would always "accidentally" walk in on us. Bronze didn't seem to mind and I was too fucked up to give a shit.
Coworker tells me that Bronze tells everyone who will listen every detail about me, my body and the sex. Camera phones were BRAND NEW and apparently he'd also take pictures after I'd fall asleep or if I was too drunk to notice. Dude was an alcoholic at 17. I'm surprised he never got a DUI or in an accident. Even in my 17 year old dumbassness, I know this shit is bad news. But he's so "cool"!
I meet some other guy through friends and he's all lovey dovey and I move on from Bronze. I went to his house to break up with him and he was drunk and angry. I was afraid of him. I left without saying anything and just stopped answering the phone when he called.
I hate to say that 22 year old unemployed guy who wanted me to have babies was a step up. I still see Bronze driving around in his hearse. I've seen him at bars twice and luckily he hasn't talked to me.
He picked me up in his beige Buick. I'm not one to judge, but then he tried to impress me with the "sound system" (which was stock) by playing Dave Matthews. What?
Then, every time we stopped at a light, he would shift it into neutral. When the light turned green, he'd shift into drive. I think he was trying to pretend he had a manual transmission? It was weird.
Omg, dying. And the Elf....no words.
To be fair though to the bolded, I owned a 93' Oldsmobile as my first car, and the transmission had started to go. Sometimes I had to treat it like a manual and work my way up from Neutral to get it to pick up enough speed. It was super ghetto. We called it the Ghettomobile.l
He picked me up in his beige Buick. I'm not one to judge, but then he tried to impress me with the "sound system" (which was stock) by playing Dave Matthews. What?
Then, every time we stopped at a light, he would shift it into neutral. When the light turned green, he'd shift into drive. I think he was trying to pretend he had a manual transmission? It was weird.
Omg, dying. And the Elf....no words.
To be fair though to the bolded, I owned a 93' Oldsmobile as my first car, and the transmission had started to go. Sometimes I had to treat it like a manual and work my way up from Neutral to get it to pick up enough speed. It was super ghetto. We called it the Ghettomobile.l
Oh yeah. I get that old cars need some TLC every so often. This car was maybe two years old, though. He was all proud that it was his first new car, hence the petty judgment about the beige. I hate beige. It's an old man car color, especially on a Buick.
He picked me up in his beige Buick. I'm not one to judge, but then he tried to impress me with the "sound system" (which was stock) by playing Dave Matthews. What?
Then, every time we stopped at a light, he would shift it into neutral. When the light turned green, he'd shift into drive. I think he was trying to pretend he had a manual transmission? It was weird.
Omg, dying. And the Elf....no words.
To be fair though to the bolded, I owned a 93' Oldsmobile as my first car, and the transmission had started to go. Sometimes I had to treat it like a manual and work my way up from Neutral to get it to pick up enough speed. It was super ghetto. We called it the Ghettomobile.l
Oh yeah. I get that old cars need some TLC every so often. This car was maybe two years old, though. He was all proud that it was his first new car, hence the petty judgment about the beige. I hate beige. It's an old man car color, especially on a Buick.
It so is. My car used to be my Grandparents. It was also beige and was old man-car to the core. There was a cassette of an old Italian man singing stuck in the cassette player. I just embraced it. We had some good times.
Sadly, I never got to make out in the front seat (it had an awesome bench seat). I got a little ahead of myself with some wishful thinking. I didn't have a boyfriend until after I graduated high school, and the car had already gone to the farm by then.
@short+sassy I can see where your paragraphs are supposed to be when I view it in html. I'll fix it for you now
SITB
Thanks, beethery, you are the best as always .
@wrigleyville, just be thankful that your forest elf didn't ask you to wear a bear suit. Actually, the part I found the most hilarious was not so much he thought he was an elf, but that he placed tree limbs around the bed. Very "new age" .
He picked me up in his beige Buick. I'm not one to judge, but then he tried to impress me with the "sound system" (which was stock) by playing Dave Matthews. What?
Then, every time we stopped at a light, he would shift it into neutral. When the light turned green, he'd shift into drive. I think he was trying to pretend he had a manual transmission? It was weird.
Omg, dying. And the Elf....no words.
To be fair though to the bolded, I owned a 93' Oldsmobile as my first car, and the transmission had started to go. Sometimes I had to treat it like a manual and work my way up from Neutral to get it to pick up enough speed. It was super ghetto. We called it the Ghettomobile.l
Oh yeah. I get that old cars need some TLC every so often. This car was maybe two years old, though. He was all proud that it was his first new car, hence the petty judgment about the beige. I hate beige. It's an old man car color, especially on a Buick.
It so is. My car used to be my Grandparents. It was also beige and was old man-car to the core. There was a cassette of an old Italian man singing stuck in the cassette player. I just embraced it. We had some good times.
Sadly, I never got to make out in the front seat (it had an awesome bench seat). I got a little ahead of myself with some wishful thinking. I didn't have a boyfriend until after I graduated high school, and the car had already gone to the farm by then.
My poor first car saw so much sad teenage sex. I bought it from my grandma when I was 16. I think three of the four boyfriends I've had have sexed me up in that car.
These stories have tears running down my face because I am laughing so hard!
I had a rebound guy when I was about 21-ish? and he was terrible. He was 6'3" and MAYBE 150lbs. So a bean pole. He thought he was built though and everytime we would hang out, he would flex his "muscles" for me to try to turn me on.
One night I was desperate and ended up sleeping with him. Most awkward sex of my entire life. He was completely silent the entire time until he literally arched up and went "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" (That was him coming!!!!!!!!!). I just looked at him like da'fuq?! and tried not to laugh. Yeah, haven't talked to him since.
Oh. My. God.....You all are killing me!! I'm sitting here practically snorting wine out of my nose while DH is trying to catch up on a show and he keeps looking over like "What the hell is her problem?!"
I've had a few WTF moments in my life, most of which DH is pretty clueless about. But hey, we all have some shit in our closets that came from a bad phase in life. We're human.
I dated brothers once. Not at the same time but still.....things got awkward really fast.. I dated the younger brother in high-school and we traded our V-cards. Nothing like losing your virginity to keep you from ever forgetting someone.I swore I would love him forever. Well, we all know that high school love usually doesn't last and in our case it didn't No worries...life goes on...
Flash forward a few years and I'm at a crazy Halloween party in college and I'm having a great time. I'm half past lit and enjoying the party and this total stud/hottie/sexyMF starts talking to me and we instantly click. One thing leads to another and off we go to his place. (not my best moment but hey, what are ya gonna do?) I'm just going to be honest and say there was NOTHING disappointing about this night! My world was pretty much rocked to the moon and back...Well I wake up the next morning and this stud is making me some coffee and asking if I would like to go to dinner and go on a proper date. (Ummmmmm hells yes! This guy is awesome!) I'm pretty much thinking I've won the random hook-up lottery and this is going to be just like the movies.
Two weeks later and I'm on the fast track to falling in love with my sexy man! One night he says his little brother is coming in late and will be visiting for a few days...Cool, meeting the family. Things are going great.
I wake up the next morning, take a shower and am on my way back my hun's room when "BAM" I am face to face with my HS boyfriend. Oh. Holy. Shit-balls. Nothing wakes you up or kills a buzz faster than the moment you realize you've slept and done some crazy shit with...brothers. We were all MORTIFIED. I had never met my HS boyfriend's brother since he was a few years older and I never assumed, in a million years, that the sex-god would be his brother. Sadly the relationship kinda went downhill from there. Kinda hard to bring a girl home to parents who caught the same girl sneaking out of their house in high school.
My biggest regret relationship would make you all cry, so I'll go with the most awkward.
I'm 16. Junior in HS. My best friend has just come back from a Nuclear Science summer camp, where she met this kid who adored her, but she did not care for him at all. Let's call him P (for pity party). He is half-Chinese, half American Catholic, so he's got a head start on high standards and guilt but some damn fine bone structure. I start talking to him, we get along pretty well, but I was definitely being her wingwoman to get this kid to leave her alone. Over the course of the year I get to know him, and he's a really sweet kid who just has some issues, and I happen to be a very good listener.
Fast forward to the next summer. I'm away at summer camp now, so can only talk at WTF-o-clock in the morning. At this time of night, the only things happening anywhere are sex and depressed pity parties. One night he's really doing it up emotional, and starts the "nobody loves me, I'll never find a woman" blah blah. I assure him that no, there is a woman out there who will go out with him. "Well, would you date me?" Oh shit. Uhhh. Ummmm... "Yeah?"
Yeah. Truly an auspicious way to start an LDR.
So we sort-of date starting right before Senior year, when we're both 17. At Christmas he comes up to see me, and make it really official. But then it starts getting really really weird. Two weeks after I meet him, he tells me "When we get married, my mom wants to move in with us." Um, WHAT???? "P, I don't think it's a good idea to do something like that." "Well, she says that since Dad divorced her it's my responsibility to take care of her." Girls, I should have run for the fuckin hills. But I did not.
Shit continues to get weirder. When we talk, I ask "how are you doing?" and he launches into a full explanation of his day without so much as checking in on how I'm doing. It's like I was his shrink, not his girlfriend. Except for the part where he wanted to have tons and tons of cybersex and phone sex, but without getting to any actual pretend penetration, because that would be "sinful". So... phone handjobs? Yeah. Special.
I went to an all-girls high school at the time. We did have prom, but had to find dates from elsewhere, so I invited him. He agreed to fly up--but he wanted to stay at my house, in the guest room. He arrived at 2 am, but insisted that I not come to pick him up from the airport, so I didn't see him until the next morning. We awkwardly bummed around the living room until it was time for me to go get my hair done, etc.
Once we are done up for Prom, we go to the restaurant he's chosen to take me to. Fancy Italian place. Except, they've lost our reservation. So we drive around town looking for places that will take us. Everywhere is full up because of course it's Prom night for several schools. We end up having dinner--me in my full-length red satin ballgown--at the Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut. Nothing says young romance like half-cold sausage pizza and trying to keep your hem out of the salad dressing that's all over the floor.
So we finally get to Prom itself. At our school, the juniors host prom for the seniors. The juniors this year have selected a live band that apparently knows how to play nothing but bad hip-hop covers at a volume that could be approximated at "my ears are bleeding". P does not like the music. He wants to sit in the lobby and talk. He refuses to dance even when there are DJ breaks with slow songs. I end up falling asleep on the couch in the lobby because I'm so fucking bored. P decides to wake me up and take me home at 9 pm, one hour into the event. I am too groggy to argue.
So we get back to my house, say goodnight because I sure as hell don't want to stay up after that disaster. I change into pajamas, and then he's back in my room. He kisses me, which is fine, but it quickly progresses to him shoving my hand down his pants. I was not particularly interested at first, but definitely super not interested when I discovered that even at full-mast, there is some truth to the stereotype about Asian men and their lack of endowment. (A chicken nugget would feel sorry for this guy.) So we spend about 10 minutes fighting for control of my hand until I finally throw him out of my bedroom with some line about not wanting to ruin the magic of the evening.
When I drop him off at the airport the next day, he sobs about how he hates to leave his true love behind. I could not get him on the plane fast enough.
About a month later, I called him to break up. He told me that his grandfather had just died, and I couldn't leave him now. Cue two months of "It's over"/ "What can I do to win you back??"/ "No, it's over." / "Let me try again. I love you!!"
It finally ended when I told him that his mother treated him like her husband, which left me to be his mother, and I wasn't okay with that. And then I blocked his number.
I had this weirdo guy that I luckily never dated. I was in sixth grade when we met through our grandmothers. I wouldn't call them hippies, but his parents were weirdos who didn't believe in society and school and blah blah blah. His parents had another women in their relationship and the three of them considered them all married to each other. His family apparently traveled around the country living in an rv and never had a regular home. He'd come into town every so often to visit his grandparents.
Somehow he developed this odd obsession with me (I was far from a pretty girl) and would call me all the time. I had no problem being friends with the guy but I knew I'd never touch him. He'd try, but not too hard. Then I was like 16 and I start getting letters from a jail in Arizona. I don't know the whole story', but he sexually assaulted a child. I don't know why this didn't freak me out but I wrote him back. He came back for a while when I was like 18 and then he started trying harder. It finally did freak me out and I tried nicely to sever ties. He didn't like that and got mean. This went on for months and finally seemed it just go away. The last time I talked to him, he was in twin fir his grandma's funeral and wanted to gang out with me. He got mad sun I wouldn't give him my address. I never spoke to him again.
THREE YEARS later he was arrested on the intersection of my apartment complex for not registering as a sex offender. Apparently he was just sitting in his car. That freaked the fuck out of me. It still does. I can't locate him in any prison or jail system and I have no idea where he is. He's one of the reasons i insisted that h teach me to shoot his guns and gave access to the safe.
The summer begore junior years I just got home after vacation and walked into my bedroom. There was candy and flowers EVERYWHERE. Not like a couple bouquets, but enough roses to cover every flat surface of my room. Since I had only been with my boyfriend 2 months at that point I found it a little creepy. I was super tired from my flight so I changed into pjs and took a nap. I woke up to him sitting on the edge of my bed stroking my hair. Apparently he watched me change too because he had been HIDING IN MY CLOSET! He assumed I would unpack and he wanted to surprise me.
The next one who stands out was a guy I met at a party. He was cute and we flirted all night, I appreciated that he seemed sweet and not too pushy. We made plans to hang out later that week. The night before he told me that he wanted to be upfront about the fact that he had some pretty kinky fetishes. I'm willing to try anything once and am kinky myself so I said it was fine and I would be open to whatever it was. BIG FAT FCKING MISTAKE.
He showed up the next day wearing sweats pants and a tee shirt with a rubber ducky on it. I then noticed he way more going on in the ass area then he had a few days earlier. Turns out he was into the whole adult baby thing, he was wearing a FCKING DIAPER! I had told him of be open and didn't want to embarrass him so I agreed to "babysit" him for the day. We wound up hanging out at home watching blues clues and drank wine, me out of a proper wine glass him out of a bottle. I drank enough that I even agreed to change his diaper, I stopped returning any and all calls after that night.
The last was my ex from before FI. He claimed he loved me and we were great theater, but I was basically a glorified booty call. Never saw him before 11 at night usually later. Barely heard from him in between "dates". He also had this weird fascination with me having sex with other guys. Since I viewed this as basically a booty call I was seeing other guys, but he started requesting that I call him and let him listen.
I ended things as soon as I met FI ad he moved across country for work. He ended up getting engaged less than a year later and called to tell me. He followed up with going on and on about how much he loved and missed me. I didn't hear from him until this June. He called me on his fucking wedding day to ask me for one more chance. He wanted to know if I was happy with FI, and then told me even though he was getting married THAT DAY that he knew in his heart one day things would work out and we would be together.
Once, I was with the sweaty man. We were in a hotel, he got on top and we started doing it. He gets really sweaty and starts dripping sweat. Where? On my face. I guess he noticed my face
So he says sorry and kind of tries to wipe his face off and keeps going. Ugh. So, whatever. Later, he messages me and I kind of say I am not interested in meeting again. He is curious and asks why. So I told him about his gross sweatiness and the fact that the inside of his mouth tasted like a dentist office in a bad way.
Once, I was with the sweaty man. We were in a hotel, he got on top and we started doing it. He gets really sweaty and starts dripping sweat. Where? On my face. I guess he noticed my face
So he says sorry and kind of tries to wipe his face off and keeps going. Ugh. So, whatever. Later, he messages me and I kind of say I am not interested in meeting again. He is curious and asks why. So I told him about his gross sweatiness and the fact that the inside of his mouth tasted like a dentist office in a bad way.
One guy I dated drooled all over me during sex. That was fun.
Re: The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)
To be fair though to the bolded, I owned a 93' Oldsmobile as my first car, and the transmission had started to go. Sometimes I had to treat it like a manual and work my way up from Neutral to get it to pick up enough speed. It was super ghetto. We called it the Ghettomobile.l
Sadly, I never got to make out in the front seat (it had an awesome bench seat). I got a little ahead of myself with some wishful thinking. I didn't have a boyfriend until after I graduated high school, and the car had already gone to the farm by then.
I'm 16. Junior in HS. My best friend has just come back from a Nuclear Science summer camp, where she met this kid who adored her, but she did not care for him at all. Let's call him P (for pity party). He is half-Chinese, half American Catholic, so he's got a head start on high standards and guilt but some damn fine bone structure. I start talking to him, we get along pretty well, but I was definitely being her wingwoman to get this kid to leave her alone. Over the course of the year I get to know him, and he's a really sweet kid who just has some issues, and I happen to be a very good listener.
Fast forward to the next summer. I'm away at summer camp now, so can only talk at WTF-o-clock in the morning. At this time of night, the only things happening anywhere are sex and depressed pity parties. One night he's really doing it up emotional, and starts the "nobody loves me, I'll never find a woman" blah blah. I assure him that no, there is a woman out there who will go out with him. "Well, would you date me?" Oh shit. Uhhh. Ummmm... "Yeah?"
Yeah. Truly an auspicious way to start an LDR.
So we sort-of date starting right before Senior year, when we're both 17. At Christmas he comes up to see me, and make it really official. But then it starts getting really really weird. Two weeks after I meet him, he tells me "When we get married, my mom wants to move in with us." Um, WHAT???? "P, I don't think it's a good idea to do something like that." "Well, she says that since Dad divorced her it's my responsibility to take care of her." Girls, I should have run for the fuckin hills. But I did not.
Shit continues to get weirder. When we talk, I ask "how are you doing?" and he launches into a full explanation of his day without so much as checking in on how I'm doing. It's like I was his shrink, not his girlfriend. Except for the part where he wanted to have tons and tons of cybersex and phone sex, but without getting to any actual pretend penetration, because that would be "sinful". So... phone handjobs? Yeah. Special.
I went to an all-girls high school at the time. We did have prom, but had to find dates from elsewhere, so I invited him. He agreed to fly up--but he wanted to stay at my house, in the guest room. He arrived at 2 am, but insisted that I not come to pick him up from the airport, so I didn't see him until the next morning. We awkwardly bummed around the living room until it was time for me to go get my hair done, etc.
Once we are done up for Prom, we go to the restaurant he's chosen to take me to. Fancy Italian place. Except, they've lost our reservation. So we drive around town looking for places that will take us. Everywhere is full up because of course it's Prom night for several schools. We end up having dinner--me in my full-length red satin ballgown--at the Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut. Nothing says young romance like half-cold sausage pizza and trying to keep your hem out of the salad dressing that's all over the floor.
So we finally get to Prom itself. At our school, the juniors host prom for the seniors. The juniors this year have selected a live band that apparently knows how to play nothing but bad hip-hop covers at a volume that could be approximated at "my ears are bleeding". P does not like the music. He wants to sit in the lobby and talk. He refuses to dance even when there are DJ breaks with slow songs. I end up falling asleep on the couch in the lobby because I'm so fucking bored. P decides to wake me up and take me home at 9 pm, one hour into the event. I am too groggy to argue.
So we get back to my house, say goodnight because I sure as hell don't want to stay up after that disaster. I change into pajamas, and then he's back in my room. He kisses me, which is fine, but it quickly progresses to him shoving my hand down his pants. I was not particularly interested at first, but definitely super not interested when I discovered that even at full-mast, there is some truth to the stereotype about Asian men and their lack of endowment. (A chicken nugget would feel sorry for this guy.) So we spend about 10 minutes fighting for control of my hand until I finally throw him out of my bedroom with some line about not wanting to ruin the magic of the evening.
When I drop him off at the airport the next day, he sobs about how he hates to leave his true love behind. I could not get him on the plane fast enough.
About a month later, I called him to break up. He told me that his grandfather had just died, and I couldn't leave him now. Cue two months of "It's over"/ "What can I do to win you back??"/ "No, it's over." / "Let me try again. I love you!!"
It finally ended when I told him that his mother treated him like her husband, which left me to be his mother, and I wasn't okay with that. And then I blocked his number.
The summer begore junior years I just got home after vacation and walked into my bedroom. There was candy and flowers EVERYWHERE. Not like a couple bouquets, but enough roses to cover every flat surface of my room. Since I had only been with my boyfriend 2 months at that point I found it a little creepy. I was super tired from my flight so I changed into pjs and took a nap. I woke up to him sitting on the edge of my bed stroking my hair. Apparently he watched me change too because he had been HIDING IN MY CLOSET! He assumed I would unpack and he wanted to surprise me.
The next one who stands out was a guy I met at a party. He was cute and we flirted all night, I appreciated that he seemed sweet and not too pushy. We made plans to hang out later that week. The night before he told me that he wanted to be upfront about the fact that he had some pretty kinky fetishes. I'm willing to try anything once and am kinky myself so I said it was fine and I would be open to whatever it was. BIG FAT FCKING MISTAKE.
He showed up the next day wearing sweats pants and a tee shirt with a rubber ducky on it. I then noticed he way more going on in the ass area then he had a few days earlier. Turns out he was into the whole adult baby thing, he was wearing a FCKING DIAPER! I had told him of be open and didn't want to embarrass him so I agreed to "babysit" him for the day. We wound up hanging out at home watching blues clues and drank wine, me out of a proper wine glass him out of a bottle. I drank enough that I even agreed to change his diaper, I stopped returning any and all calls after that night.
The last was my ex from before FI. He claimed he loved me and we were great theater, but I was basically a glorified booty call. Never saw him before 11 at night usually later. Barely heard from him in between "dates". He also had this weird fascination with me having sex with other guys. Since I viewed this as basically a booty call I was seeing other guys, but he started requesting that I call him and let him listen.
I ended things as soon as I met FI ad he moved across country for work. He ended up getting engaged less than a year later and called to tell me. He followed up with going on and on about how much he loved and missed me. I didn't hear from him until this June. He called me on his fucking wedding day to ask me for one more chance. He wanted to know if I was happy with FI, and then told me even though he was getting married THAT DAY that he knew in his heart one day things would work out and we would be together.