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Mothers everywhere: It is not your fucking wedding

novella1186novella1186 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm so sick of seeing posts on here about mothers of the bride and FMILs acting like AWs, divas, crazy brats, and mom-zillas. Couple that with trying to deal with my own mom and I feel like there's a creepy and extremely annoying epidemic going around of moms thinking they're the center of everything. 

My mom (although she's usually awesome and we've always been really close; lately I've been keeping my distance from her) went on quite an epic rant over the weekend in which she referred to herself as "Mother of the Bride" -- yes she capitalized it-- about 11 times in 2 sentences. "I'm the MOB, I should be getting X, I should be doing Y, I should be involved in A-Z, I'm the MOB, I want I want I want I want I want, me me me me me me me me me me me because I'm the MOB." WTF? 

I've been including her as much as possible, sharing everything with her, taking her with on occasion to do wedding stuff, etc. And she's NOT paying for the wedding. That's pretty much the extent of what I'm able to do and apparently that's not enough attention for her? Totally baffled. 

And although a lot of you Knotties have some entertaining mom stories that can be kind of funny, I also feel sorry for anyone dealing with these mom-zillas cuz I know how frustrating and stressful it gets. Moms, you gotta knock it off!!! 

Anyone have a crazy story they can share? I love finding that I'm not alone in this! (And I know I'm not!) 
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Re: Mothers everywhere: It is not your fucking wedding

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Um...I could go on alllll dayyyyyyyyyy about my MIL.

    But after several fights stemming from the fact that we were not inviting her friends of family (because, of course, the woman who babysat H when he was 6 really "shaped who he is as a man" - yes, she did really say this). my MIL removed H from her will. Her only child. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    Um...I could go on alllll dayyyyyyyyyy about my MIL.

    But after several fights stemming from the fact that we were not inviting her friends of family (because, of course, the woman who babysat H when he was 6 really "shaped who he is as a man" - yes, she did really say this). my MIL removed H from her will. Her only child. 
    Oh wow. That is really shocking, actually. My mom also tried to make me invite a woman who babysat me when I was like 4, so I don't remember her at all and haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. When I said I would not invite her, my mom got so upset and was like "oh how could you? she will be so hurt!" Yeah. Ok. 
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    novella1186 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    Um...I could go on alllll dayyyyyyyyyy about my MIL.

    But after several fights stemming from the fact that we were not inviting her friends of family (because, of course, the woman who babysat H when he was 6 really "shaped who he is as a man" - yes, she did really say this). my MIL removed H from her will. Her only child. 
    Oh wow. That is really shocking, actually. My mom also tried to make me invite a woman who babysat me when I was like 4, so I don't remember her at all and haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. When I said I would not invite her, my mom got so upset and was like "oh how could you? she will be so hurt!" Yeah. Ok. 
    Yeah. After nothing she did worked (yelling, crying, calling the venue herself to add people, saying she was going to have her own vow renewal the night before so we'd HAVE to have these people, yelling and crying some more), she decided that H wasn't mentally stable and he shouldn't be executor of or beneficiary of her estate. 

    And now she's kissing our asses trying to repair the relationship. Not. working.
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
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    I'm in the opposite boat over here.  My Mom and FMIL are amazing, but won't give any input at all. We tried getting their take on the guest list and they both said "It's your wedding, invite who you want." Which eventually meant we left some pretty important people off the guest list.

    I do sympathize with those who have Moms with Mom-zilla fever. My aunt completely took over my cousin's wedding and it was awful.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    novella1186 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    Um...I could go on alllll dayyyyyyyyyy about my MIL.

    But after several fights stemming from the fact that we were not inviting her friends of family (because, of course, the woman who babysat H when he was 6 really "shaped who he is as a man" - yes, she did really say this). my MIL removed H from her will. Her only child. 
    Oh wow. That is really shocking, actually. My mom also tried to make me invite a woman who babysat me when I was like 4, so I don't remember her at all and haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. When I said I would not invite her, my mom got so upset and was like "oh how could you? she will be so hurt!" Yeah. Ok. 
    Yeah. After nothing she did worked (yelling, crying, calling the venue herself to add people, saying she was going to have her own vow renewal the night before so we'd HAVE to have these people, yelling and crying some more), she decided that H wasn't mentally stable and he shouldn't be executor of or beneficiary of her estate. 

    And now she's kissing our asses trying to repair the relationship. Not. working.
    Has she always been a tantrum-thrower, or was this just special for the wedding? My mom has always been extremely dramatic and kind of nuts but she has gotten SO MUCH WORSE ever since the second I told her I was engaged. Something about weddings seems to bring out the crazy. 

    Calling the venue herself? Really? Yikes. I'm glad she seems to realize her mistake now, but I'm sure at this point the damage has been done. And I'm sure somehow YOU will be the awful one for not pretending everything is peachy. I tried to tell my mom she hurt my feelings and she cried and told me I was being mean so then I had to apologize to her. "I'm sorry I told you that you hurt my feelings. It's all my fault." Ugh. 
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    My mom and DH's were pretty chill.  They both made a few quirky requests.  My mom wanted assigned seats at the reception because there were relatives she was truly trying to avoid (and that meant eye contact, too) and DH's mom wanted these bells rung when we left the wedding (ultimately drowned out by the bagpipes).  Nothing too crazy pants.  My dad on the other hand... ideas for days: we should hire this professional singer, have custom tuxedos (afternoon wedding), do a choreographed entrance, and on, and on, and on.  From a guy who had already planned 4 weddings of his own. 

    When the wedding crazy got to me, I liked to go back to Robert Fulghum essay on the MOTB; I had read/performed it in high school as part of the stage adaptation of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.  My mom was the drama club advisor so she was familiar with the piece and promised not to be the character.  If you can find it, it's hilarious and a got escape from the antics of real life moms.  I wanted to link to it, but Google failed me.
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  • acaton5acaton5 member
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    Luckily, my mom has been very chill. I think she would've liked to have been more involved, but she lives in LA and we live in Iowa and that just wasn't going to happen. I heard multiple stories growing up about what ass-hats her parents were during her wedding planning, so I think that experience helped keep her at bay. FMIL has been fairly good too. She only had one couple she insisted we invite and FI indulged her. However, FI did have to have a conversation about what is and, more importantly, isn't appropriate for the MOG to be doing during the ceremony after witnessing her behavior at his brother's wedding. And being that our wedding is at the zoo, we have the option of throwing someone to the tigers if they're really giving us grief ;)
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    acaton5 said:
    Luckily, my mom has been very chill. I think she would've liked to have been more involved, but she lives in LA and we live in Iowa and that just wasn't going to happen. I heard multiple stories growing up about what ass-hats her parents were during her wedding planning, so I think that experience helped keep her at bay. FMIL has been fairly good too. She only had one couple she insisted we invite and FI indulged her. However, FI did have to have a conversation about what is and, more importantly, isn't appropriate for the MOG to be doing during the ceremony after witnessing her behavior at his brother's wedding. And being that our wedding is at the zoo, we have the option of throwing someone to the tigers if they're really giving us grief ;)
    I think that's one of the best things (or most confusing?) about how crazy my mom is being. All I ever hear are awful stories about how crazy HER FMIL was when she was planning her wedding to my dad, and how it ruined everything, stressed her out, made her feel so bad, etc. So she's doing it to me now. Fun. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    My parents offered to throw us the reception in our honor.  DH and I accepted the offer.  We knew the offer meant it was their party to pretty much plan.  Even with my parents paying and planning we did it together.    

    The only sticking point of all things were the GM's pants.  Yep, the damn pants the GM's were going to wear.  We just said light khakis, my parents thought that would look "stupid" because there are different shades.  Stupidest argument ever.    They won, we bought matching khakis.

    Everything else was pretty simple.  Together we picked out all the stuff.  It was their money so I let them lead the way on costs.   I went so far as to look for the cheapest thing only for them to bring me up a few notches.      

    My parents and us are different in a lot of (most?) ways. One area we were not was how to host.  We were 100% on the same page on how to host.    So while they are Catholic Church country club wedding people and we are bare feet on the sand beach wedding people planning was pretty easy.   

    They paid, but they are not unreasonable.  We got our beach wedding.  We sort-of stupid TS Hannah ruined that.  I still kind-of blame my dad.  He did NOT want an outside wedding. All he kept saying was what happens if it rained? I swear he jinked us  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    My mom and MIL were both very well-behaved. No terrible stories here thankfully. 

    Oh sure, there was some invite drama, but nothing that even comes close to whats been shared already. 

    I think I'll take my mom a pot of mums this week,


    Also, the title of this post reminds me of all those terrible mothers they show on SYTTD. I remember one of them kept saying "I'm the mother of the bride" Because she wanted her daughter to try on dresses she liked, even though the daughter hated them.
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  • twitterbirdtwitterbird member
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    My mom and FMIL have both been great so far (little over 6 weeks to go lol). Only drama with my mom was that I originally didn't have parents names on the invitation. I said "Together with their parents". She said it was disrespectful not to name them by name and esp not to have my deceased father;s name on there (he died 20 years ago). She even went as far as to say that people in dad's family might not come if his name wasn't on the invite. That wasn't the hill I wanted to die on so I gave in. Other than that its been pretty smooth sailing.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    I'm pretty sure everyone who lurks on TK knows how nuts my FMIL is.  FI is getting embarrassed.  

    - She arranged for a ride using the venue's shuttle behind our backs because we wouldn't call the venue just yet to arrange for that (this was July 2013.  We are getting married November 2014, so yeah TIME WAS RUNNING OUT!!).  Whatever.  I am NOT following up on it or mentioning it in any way shape or form.  Let us see if you even have a shuttle at the end of the night.  
    - She would show anyone and everyone her invite.  She showed her manicurist.  She showed her neighbor.  She showed strangers.  Harmless but laughable.
    - "Your wedding has been sooo stressful on me."
    - "You NEED to have a honeymoon.  Tell me you are going away somewhere."  Yeah, away from YOU!
    - She tried to hijack our DJ and our song choices because "It's my day too!!"
    - She wanted all of our flowers to be silk flowers because she 'doesn't like the smell'.  Too bad.  I love them.
    - "That wasn't the cake I would have chosen..."
    - "You cant tell anyone about my dress.  I want it to be a surprise for other guests."
    - She insists on having the photographer deal with her at a certain time.   Meh, I told him 2pm, lady so you'll have to deal or not get your photo done.
    - "You should be stressed.  You have no idea what you're doing."

    I agree that there must be some sort of epidemic going on if we all sharing these stories.  My wedding planning has been going great but when FMIL calls she has a habit of throwing a wrench into the machine and poor FI has to try to divert the convo or solve a problem that didn't exist prior to the phone call.  Everything is a big deal to FMIL even if the detail is really small.  It's frustrating.

    I love knowing I am not alone in all of this.  I feel your pain, OP!


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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    goldchocobo, that sucks. I almost feel lucky that my mom is being insane and my FMIL is being awesome, rather than the other way around. I feel like my mom is easier to yell at, and she can't decide to hate me forever. I would be way too chicken to argue with FMIL, and I do not want to face a life-time of her wrath. Scary thought. 

    I'm sorry that you're having all those issues. That lady needs to just keep her mouth shut. Jeez. 
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  • lalalorelailalalorelai member
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    Oh Lord. My mother is a loving, intelligent, reasonable, caring woman and we are incredibly close.  The second we started wedding planning, though, she completely freaking lost it.  Guest list issues I guess I could understand, but she's been fairly reasonable about that.  But bridesmaids dresses and the head table are apparently her hills to die on.  She wants more formal bridesmaids dresses, while I want them to be under $100 and short.  She also told me I was wrong to ask my bridesmaids what their budget was for the dress.

    And the head table conversation--seriously, I thought Matt wasn't going to want to marry me after he saw this conversation go down. I casually mentioned that I prefer to do a king's table or something similar so the bridal party can have their dates with them, and all hell broke loose. The words "but that's not how it's done!!" and "what about the PICTURES??" were thrown around, multiple times. 

    I just don't get it.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    novella1186 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    novella1186 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    Um...I could go on alllll dayyyyyyyyyy about my MIL.

    But after several fights stemming from the fact that we were not inviting her friends of family (because, of course, the woman who babysat H when he was 6 really "shaped who he is as a man" - yes, she did really say this). my MIL removed H from her will. Her only child. 
    Oh wow. That is really shocking, actually. My mom also tried to make me invite a woman who babysat me when I was like 4, so I don't remember her at all and haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. When I said I would not invite her, my mom got so upset and was like "oh how could you? she will be so hurt!" Yeah. Ok. 
    Yeah. After nothing she did worked (yelling, crying, calling the venue herself to add people, saying she was going to have her own vow renewal the night before so we'd HAVE to have these people, yelling and crying some more), she decided that H wasn't mentally stable and he shouldn't be executor of or beneficiary of her estate. 

    And now she's kissing our asses trying to repair the relationship. Not. working.
    Has she always been a tantrum-thrower, or was this just special for the wedding? My mom has always been extremely dramatic and kind of nuts but she has gotten SO MUCH WORSE ever since the second I told her I was engaged. Something about weddings seems to bring out the crazy. 

    Calling the venue herself? Really? Yikes. I'm glad she seems to realize her mistake now, but I'm sure at this point the damage has been done. And I'm sure somehow YOU will be the awful one for not pretending everything is peachy. I tried to tell my mom she hurt my feelings and she cried and told me I was being mean so then I had to apologize to her. "I'm sorry I told you that you hurt my feelings. It's all my fault." Ugh. 
    To the bolded, I'm not sure. I think so. But H and I started dating when he was 20 and his mom already lived 400 miles away. So there was really nothing super huge that he was or wasn't doing to piss her off. But she's always been the kind who does no wrong and her opinion = fact. 
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  • lmcooper86lmcooper86 member
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    Oh lord...you ladies make me laugh and feel SO MUCH better! My mom is usually so normal and down to earth...and then I got engaged and it's like a switch flipped and she went crazy.

    Less than 72 hours after we got engaged she was sending me long texts about all kinds of stuff, including me NEEDING to have a sixpence in my shoe (or my marriage is doomed?) and whose children would and wouldn't be invited...we're talking the children of my friends and cousins and FI's nephew. She also went on for 20 minutes about was I sure that I was okay with the guest list, because it's bigger than I originally wanted and she knew I'd said it was fine but was it REALLY fine and was I REALLY sure I was okay with it and on and on and on. OMFG.

    My FMIL on the other hand is very "we're giving you some money but do whatever you want". Her daughter got married a few years ago so I think she got all of the crazy out then.

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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    novella1186, don't worry about me.  I think FMIL is afraid of me.  I actually have to call her and talk to her about a bridesmaid luncheon I am throwing so all my gals can meet.  She'll be civil.  At least she hasn't thrown a tantrum about the guest list at all.  

    She's throwing a small pre-check in party on the day before the wedding.  It's sandwiches at her house.  I have received so many calls and had a 2 hour chat with her about this little party.  Every detail was discussed.  I still get calls about the deli meats and cola choices.  I'm getting to the point where I want to say "Is planning this a problem?  I feel like we are having a competency issue and I can take this over if you can't handle sandwiches for 2 hours."  But I stay quiet.  She is my FI's mother and she will be in our lives a long time so I answer all the questions about the deli meats because it is important to her.  Everything has to be PERFECT.  *sigh*  It's not even the wedding!  It's sandwiches....lordy.

    My mother has been a complete dream in all of this.  She is supportive and inquisitive and very excited without being over the top.  She is engaging without dictating how everything should be.  I love her for it and I feel we have grown closer as friends this way.  

    Stand your ground, ladies!  You're doing fantastic!!

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Mine wasn't that bad in comparison, but I definitely was ready to punch her a few times.  Her whole family lives in Arizona (we live in Texas), and she doesn't get to see them often.  So, our wedding felt like it became the excuse for Mom's family reunion. 

    She INSISTED that I invite one of her cousins (whom I met once).  Fine, one cousin, no big deal.  This cousin contacts my mom and says that she'll be bringing her daughter and her daughter's estranged husband.  Say whaaaaaa?   (I've never met the daughter nor the estranged husband).  Mom argued that I should be a more gracious bride and just be thankful that more people wanted to celebrate with us.  Mom talked more with the cousin and it turns out she needs her daughter to help her travel (so I felt like a total bitch).  This cousin didn't even come (because travel is harder for her in her old age) and never contacted me for a congratulations, formal RSVP, etc.  Nada.

    So, we found out that two of her brothers (my uncles) planned to come in for the wedding.  Awesome - I love these uncles.  Mom insisted that we invite these uncles to the RD.  My in-laws were paying for the RD and my husband & I managed the guest list (wedding party + SO's only).  Mom said that she would pay for the extra cost for them to attend.  And for us, this wasn't the issue.  My husband has 60+ relatives, and at least 2/3 of them were traveling in from out of town for the wedding.  We didn't think it was fair to invite OOT relatives from one side of the family and not the other, so H and I agreed that the guest list would be wedding party + SOs only.  My mom said that she would likely skip the RD to go have dinner with her brothers.  Good grief.  As it turned out, we had a few people who couldn't make the RD, so we B-listed the uncles (they didn't know anyway) and they came.   But in the meantime it was a mess.






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  • vulpiepopvulpiepop member
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    I'm one of the lucky ones. My mom and FMIL are both pretty laid back about the wedding. FMIL offered to help with some things that she has expertise in and mom is so excited that sometimes she gets a little carried away but that's about it. My mom's toned it down quite a bit and since my parents are paying for the wedding, of course we do what my mom wants for our wedding. There were a few compromises but they weren't too big, she only asked that we carry out certain wedding traditions that she thinks are important and since FI and I never had a vision for our wedding before we got engaged (we were planning to elope originally) and my parents offered to pay, we're more than happy to oblige. The real awkwardness is actually in honeymoon planning, not the wedding planning.

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  • jellybeannjellybeann member
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    My mom and FMIL are not too crazy but they have had their moments. We had some stress about invitations but it seems like everyone has that.

    Mom is shocked that I don't want favors and keeps suggesting random things like: hot chocolate (swiss miss packets in cellophane bags I kid you not), sewing kits (what?), and pencil cases. We are having a big-ass cookie table with probably over 1000 cookies, I keep insisting that those are sufficient for favors and that people would leave behind a sewing kit. Also is stressed out that one of FI's groomsmen can't come and that the pictures will look terrible because the sides are uneven. Really it's ok.

    FI is an only child and so this is FMIL's one chance for a wedding. She's never been to an American wedding before and keeps getting misinformation from her coworker whose sons got married like 20 years ago. She insisted that we give her blank invitations (helllll no). She wanted to serve fillet mingon and lobster at the rehearsal dinner in a place nicer than where we are having the reception, but luckily FI talked her off of that, saying we didn't need to spend $10000 on a rehearsal dinner.

    We still have 10 weeks to go, so I'm sure more craziness will bubble from under the surface before then.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I do feel bad for so many of you that have issues with our wedding and MOB or FMIL.

    I was fortunate to be the opposite.  My mom was just fantastic in helping me with my wedding.  It was OOT for me, but where she lived in the area.  She made all the arrangements...though got my opinion also.

    Funny enough, her hill to die on was the cake, lol.  The only request I made was for it to have cream cheese frosting.  But she was absolutely dead set on the bakery and the exact type of cake/frosting she wanted...which did not include cream cheese.  Oh well.  Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, so I definitely let that go.

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  • mimivacmimivac member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary

    12 years ago, when I married my now ex, my MIL said she would commit suicide if we didn't have a second ceremony and reception at her church. Neither of us is Christian, and we had a beautiful secular wedding, which she attended. At our ceremony, she made an announcement that my ex would be having a Christian wedding the following month and that all were invited. My ex believed that his mother would actually follow through on her threat, so he capitulated (knowing what I know now, she was merely throwing a tantrum). I thought I had to agree in order to preserve the family peace. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. The so-called Christian wedding was awful. We knew no one there (except for my parents and two friends who came for moral support). When we arrived at the reception, everyone was already eating. So much more that I don't care to recall. This was the beginning of a 12-year hellish relationship with my MIL with very little support from my husband, who wanted to avoid conflict at all costs. Through the years she berated me if I put on a few pounds, pressured me to attend church, and constantly harangued me about having a baby. When we divorced, the thought that I wouldn't be saddled with this woman for the rest of my life had me dancing in the streets. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    Well, you've all heard about Councilman Jamm/Princess Consuela Bananahammock, but for the record, my mom has been awesome.

    We're getting married in the church where I grew up, which is where my parents still live but I don't. She's been willing to take care of a bunch of things locally, including working out everything with the florist, bringing payments and ribbon to the cake baker, helping the boys work out the best place to rent tuxes, etc. She also MADE MY DRESS and veil, which is beautiful because she's baller. She's been more worried about the dress than I have. ("I think the buttons are too close together. I might take them off and space them and the loops out more." "Sure, Mom, I guess they might be a little crowded, but it's not bad. If it's any real work don't worry about it." "I'm going to move them." "Okay.")

    Speaking of those buttons, she made them. Bought some bases and added some champagne cabochons, and then thought the edges of the base were too white for the ivory of the dress, so she bought a gold paint marker and drew around all the button edges.

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    flantastic said:

    Well, you've all heard about Councilman Jamm/Princess Consuela Bananahammock, but for the record, my mom has been awesome.

    We're getting married in the church where I grew up, which is where my parents still live but I don't. She's been willing to take care of a bunch of things locally, including working out everything with the florist, bringing payments and ribbon to the cake baker, helping the boys work out the best place to rent tuxes, etc. She also MADE MY DRESS and veil, which is beautiful because she's baller. She's been more worried about the dress than I have. ("I think the buttons are too close together. I might take them off and space them and the loops out more." "Sure, Mom, I guess they might be a little crowded, but it's not bad. If it's any real work don't worry about it." "I'm going to move them." "Okay.")

    Speaking of those buttons, she made them. Bought some bases and added some champagne cabochons, and then thought the edges of the base were too white for the ivory of the dress, so she bought a gold paint marker and drew around all the button edges.

    Holy crap. Buy her a nice gift or something after that. That blows my mind. 
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    My MIL and mom are both awesome. My parents paid for most of our wedding with no strings attached. My mom thought balloons would be pretty, and I politely put the kibosh on that, and she was fine. My mom did insist on a couple to invite that I really didn't want to, but that was no big deal (except I don't like them, but politely smiled and hugged in the receiving line).

    And my ILs threw a lovely homemade rehearsal dinner, which was delicious.
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