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Mothers everywhere: It is not your fucking wedding

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Re: Mothers everywhere: It is not your fucking wedding

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    Well, you've all heard about Councilman Jamm/Princess Consuela Bananahammock, but for the record, my mom has been awesome.

    We're getting married in the church where I grew up, which is where my parents still live but I don't. She's been willing to take care of a bunch of things locally, including working out everything with the florist, bringing payments and ribbon to the cake baker, helping the boys work out the best place to rent tuxes, etc. She also MADE MY DRESS and veil, which is beautiful because she's baller. She's been more worried about the dress than I have. ("I think the buttons are too close together. I might take them off and space them and the loops out more." "Sure, Mom, I guess they might be a little crowded, but it's not bad. If it's any real work don't worry about it." "I'm going to move them." "Okay.")

    Speaking of those buttons, she made them. Bought some bases and added some champagne cabochons, and then thought the edges of the base were too white for the ivory of the dress, so she bought a gold paint marker and drew around all the button edges.

    I'm so glad these are the names that caught on.
    Anniversary

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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    MobKaz said:

    This thread title makes me cringe. Please don't stereotype all MOBs/MOGs. Some of us are generous and easygoing.

    When my DD told us she and her fi decided on a venue and date, without any input from us, we congratulated them and cut them a generous check. It was their wedding gift from us, no strings attached. I knew the two of them were capable of planning a fabulous party.They asked both sets of parents for guests lists. Ours had only the very closest family members and a few family friends- a total of twenty-five people. All, but two, were already on my daughter's guest list and we told her to feel free to cut if she had to. 

    DD and I  went alone for wedding dress shopping. Her choice - she didn't want anyone else to see her dress before the big day. She looked beautiful in every dress she tried on. I knew the 2nd one was 'the one,' though I didn't say so. I sat and watched her try ten more dresses and complimented her on every one. I don't get the moms, grandmas, sisters and best friends on SYTTD, either. It's not just the moms, that withhold compliments and insist on getting their ways.

    I'm happy to see some of you post that your moms are pretty nice people.





    I was about to say something similar. This thread reminds me of consumer reviews. People are quick to complain, but rarely write to indicate good experiences. We also gave DD and DS checks without strings. Our only stipulation was that their weddings be planned with the hospitality of their guests in mind. When asked, we offered opinions and suggestions. I know there are other moms on the boards that did the same thing.


    Sorry, SIB. My FMIL has been awesome, which I've said many times on these boards and I said it in a post on this thread too. I know a ton of moms out there are amazing with weddings, but there's also a lot who aren't. This thread was for Knotties (myself included) who are stressed and frustrated by the moms who aren't amazing with weddings. Cuz that happens too, and we're allowed to be stressed and frustrated, and we're allowed to voice the stress and frustration. That's what these boards are for, voicing whatever. Whether good or bad. 

    *Edited to add this: plenty of posts on this thread include awesome mom stories, so no worries. The good moms are being bragged about just as much as the crazypants moms are being vented about. 
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    My mom has been pretty good, but I had dinner with her a couple weeks ago and she cried because I told her I wasn't going to wear a tiara and curly updo. Like, I have idea why she thought I would, but I seriously had to sit with her for like ten minutes, saying "Mom. I'm having a Vegas ceremony in a cheap dress. I'm not Kate Middleton, a Texas prom queen, or Miss America. You know my style. You've seen my dress. I bought a veil on your request. I am not a princess." etc etc etc and I STILL think she's devastated.
    His mom, thankfully, is just so thrilled he's getting married at all that she has been very sweet about everything with me.

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    My mom and MIL were fine.  My mom lived 300 miles away and was disabled and on a tight budget.  I had no expectation of her help or input.  It was the best time she'd had in years and since we lost her this January, I know she was thrilled to be there.

    My H has always kept his parent at arms length so they were pretty much treated as regular guests, with a few a exceptions, and told where to be and when to be there.

    Now, if we could have a thread about drama llama FOBs?  I could tell you a story then.

     

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    My own mother was great, and I believe my MIL was great too.... although I get the impression H shielded me from anything.  I know she felt like she wasn't involved enough, but luckily it was easy enough to appease her by allowing her to pick some things out for which H and I had no real opinion.  After the fact, he said she'd been worried her family wouldn't have fun at our wedding. Um, ok?

    That said, I know one friend who is probably going to have a somewhat difficult mother and an absolutely hellish MIL, based on prior weddings in both families.  Both families are very traditional and the types to invite anyone they've ever met or grown up with in the neighborhood.  We'll see how this goes...
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    My mother and FMIL have been awesome. My parents gave us some money for planning- no strings attached. I asked if they wanted us to add any invites -and they declined. FMIL and her sister have been wonderful as they are local and my mom is not - running out to look at shoes,  going to craft stores, etc - but they want to be involved.

    Both moms don't really seem to like the idea of our center pieces as they are homemade and made from Jack Daniels bottles. BUT they didn't like the idea of the invites being Jack Daniels themed - and now both loved them! So I guess we'll see when it comes to the day of. And either way - we're not changing them. :-) And I'm fine if we're the only ones who like them!
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    My parents were great. My MIL had her moments (guest list) but other than a couple things she was fine and I know she means well.  

    She had a wonderful time at our wedding and was smiling in every picture which is more than I can say for some other posters MILs.
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        I feel so lucky that my mom and MIL have both been joys and I'm lucky they are in my life. They have been beyond generous. I consult them on my decisions to make sure they are good with them and so far they have pretty much gone with whatever I wanted. Both seemed relieved we are doing mostly immediate family.

       The only amusing incident so far is that when FI called his parents to let them know we were engaged, the first thing his mother asked is , 'where are you registered?'. We didn't even have a date or talked about location and she wanted to know what to get us for a gift, LOL. She's a wonderful lady but she can sometimes put the cart before the horse. 

      She bought us a bed, which was totally unexpected and appreciated!












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    My mom is awesome, and was pretty chill for most of the planning process, until it got down to the wire.  Then she went into overdrive and started trying to tack on all this extra crap we didn't need (favors, noisemakers, different colored napkins from the ones provided by the venue, etc).  The worst was when she started planning out a photo slideshow of H and I to be looped on TVs during the entire reception.  She initially was going to do it as a surprise but thank god she mentioned it to me a few weeks before.  We would have been mortified by something like that.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    My mom is awesome, and was pretty chill for most of the planning process, until it got down to the wire.  Then she went into overdrive and started trying to tack on all this extra crap we didn't need (favors, noisemakers, different colored napkins from the ones provided by the venue, etc).  The worst was when she started planning out a photo slideshow of H and I to be looped on TVs during the entire reception.  She initially was going to do it as a surprise but thank god she mentioned it to me a few weeks before.  We would have been mortified by something like that.
    This is something my mom would totally try to pull.  Luckily she's technology-challenged and anyone she'd ask for help would know better than to help her.  And even if she did do it, I'd probably be making rounds to all the TVs to turn them off after, oh, the first five minutes.
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    My mom just sent me a huge, long, dramatic e-mail about how "Someone" told her that I was posting mean things about her on Facebook and blocked everyone in my family so no one would find out. And "how could you? WHY???? You really thought I wouldn't find out?" 

    Um. 

    I don't post mean things, or anything at all for that matter, about ANYONE on Facebook, let alone my mother. I'm not an idiot. I'm not malicious. And I DO NOT EVER air my dirty laundry in public. Venting is what these message boards are for ;) 

    I told my FI about the email and he laughed. He knows about 90% of my Facebook posts are just photos of our dogs or other boring, non-dramatic stuff. And occasionally I'll share a fun news article or something. That's about it. Not a mean post from me, not ever. 

    I had to actually take the time to explain all this to my mother and let her know that no one at all is blocked from my Facebook, and she is more than welcome to go on there right now and look through all of my posts. She said in a totally normal tone of voice, "Oh ok! I believe you. No big deal! Just wanted to make sure." 

    Ok... but instead of just checking with me first before you get carried away, you send me a giant sobby email with phrases such as "How could you?" chock full of exclamation marks and words such as "heartbreak." 

    Ugh. 
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    I feel very blessed that my FMIL has accepted me into her family.  I always feel welcome in her home, and she is concerned about her guests comfort and well being.

    But FMIL, if you read this, I love you, but I'm not in love with how you are handling your son's matrimonial choices.  Let it go and just have a good time, I beg you!  Sometimes a gal has to vent!  ;)
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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    My parents were both awesome. 

    DH's parents were pretty good during planning compared to come of the crazies here. We had some guest list issues with them - like they added about 50 random people (random meaning FIL's secretary; neighbors whose lawn DH's mowed when he was 10, etc.). They weren't paying for anything so that was pretty easy to shut down. 

    DH's sister did tell him that "everyone in the family would hate him forever" and he'd "never be invited to a family reunion again" because we didn't invite children or his aunt's 3rd husband's children who DH has met 3 times ever and not seen in 5 years. But cool. 
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    I didn't have an ounce of trouble from either sets of parents during the entire engagement/planning process.  I was also very furtunate to have 90% of our wedding gifted to us by my parents.  They just said we want you to have the best day, so go plan the day and don't worry too much about the price tag. 

    We came in under budget, and they gifted the rest to us as a check.  That note said, here's to your future home...or whatever else you may need.

    My Husbands parents also gave us some money for our honeymoon, and hosted the RD.  I am so lucky, and am blessed by the best family ever!!!!!

    I absolutely love my mom and MIL.

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    falsarafalsara member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2014
    I haven't had any problems with either moms. Yet. We're still super early into planning.  I'm sure at some point there will be something that we may have to talk about.  This is most likely going to be some random stuff about guests or something.  I take great pains though to keep both moms abreast of any larger decisions and my Mom lets me use her as sounding board for most of the little things. 

    Both moms are long distance from us and the wedding.   My mom and dad have offered to help us out on monetarily on some things, as have my aunt and my Nana.  All these things me and FI had decided we were going to pay for and then when I went to talk to the venue, once we had decided to rent it, My aunt said she was paying. Same thing happened with my mom and my dress and my Nana with the Florist.  I have very generous family members who I love very much.  

    Nana has been amazing.  She's the one that lives in the town we're getting married, and she has graciously let us stay there when we make trips to plan the wedding and she has offered to let us use her basement as storage for wedding stuff. 

    ETA:Extra words

                                               

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    I didn't have an ounce of trouble from either sets of parents during the entire engagement/planning process.  I was also very furtunate to have 90% of our wedding gifted to us by my parents.  They just said we want you to have the best day, so go plan the day and don't worry too much about the price tag. 

    We came in under budget, and they gifted the rest to us as a check.  That note said, here's to your future home...or whatever else you may need.

    My Husbands parents also gave us some money for our honeymoon, and hosted the RD.  I am so lucky, and am blessed by the best family ever!!!!!

    I absolutely love my mom and MIL.

    What a dream! You are definitely blessed!
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    I think I'm gonna luck out. My mom isn't big into weddings to begin with. The only thing she said was "If you can't afford an open bar, tell me, cause we're having a fucking open bar even if I have to pay for it", and that's basically all she cares about so far. And my FMILs (yeah I get two) are pretty laid back, they might have some opinions about ceterpieces and such, because they care about those things, but they aren't too pushy. Usually "Here's an idea, but do what you like" and then leave it be.

    I have however dealt with crazy MOB/MOG situation as a BM and also as a hotel employee. Including screaming tantrums, telling me I'm ruining their daughter's special day, and one who threw a curling iron at me when the power went out in our hotel because of a storm that clearly I caused. She was removed from the hotel. So yeah, they can go crazy.

    My theory is anyone who says this is the day they've waited for all their daughter's life or this is the most important day of their daughter's life, they're the ones you need to duck and cover from. They've been building this shinding up in their heads for probably 2 or more decades. They're gonna go crazy. Run.
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    My mom went a little crazy, but it was in a very excited way. She always wanted to do all these crazy things and was lamenting that she couldn't give us more money. Things like "I'm sorry I can't afford custom wine as the wedding favors" or "I'm sorry I can't get you a Vera Wang". Holy shit, mom, I wouldn't dare ever ask that of you! Why are you apologizing?!
    So yes, sometimes I had to find nice ways to tell her to simmer down, but she was just really really excited to plan with me. She doesn't think my sister will value her input at all.

    My MIL I had to coax to get opinions out of. She was very "I don't want to be that kind of mother in law" or "It's really what you want!". I had to say "MIL, PLEASE chime in! You're contributing financially, and I want your opinion. You should get a say!" It was like pulling teeth, but eventually she did start saying things like "I don't really care for these other favors, I'm glad you like this one" or "I would prefer if my flowers were like this / these guests were seated together". She had strong opinions on cake smashing (DON'T!) and the bar (this liquor is much loved by our side).

    I think it worked out well in the end.
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    Oh Lord. My mother is a loving, intelligent, reasonable, caring woman and we are incredibly close.  The second we started wedding planning, though, she completely freaking lost it.  Guest list issues I guess I could understand, but she's been fairly reasonable about that.  But bridesmaids dresses and the head table are apparently her hills to die on.  She wants more formal bridesmaids dresses, while I want them to be under $100 and short.  She also told me I was wrong to ask my bridesmaids what their budget was for the dress.

    And the head table conversation--seriously, I thought Matt wasn't going to want to marry me after he saw this conversation go down. I casually mentioned that I prefer to do a king's table or something similar so the bridal party can have their dates with them, and all hell broke loose. The words "but that's not how it's done!!" and "what about the PICTURES??" were thrown around, multiple times. 

    I just don't get it.

    I'm fairly certain this will be my mom. Head tables and gaps. I'm creating a mental arsenal already
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    I know you asked for stories, and I have ony just skimmed the responses. But, based on what you wrote, I just wanted to say to OP -- especially since it sounds like you generally had a great relationship with your mom prior to wedding planning -- your original post makes it sounds like there are some things she hasn't dealt with, or has no idea how to deal with. I donno. I'm just an internet stranger, but maybe taking a step back, and trying to do some empathetic probing to find out what the source of her agitation is could help? If you do, just be prepared to have epic patience. I just get the impression there is some pain, or issue, she is compensating for.

    As for crazy FMIL/MIL/SMIL stories... mine's pretty vanilla. MIL and SMIL HATE eachother, for the usual reasons. Cannot figure out where to seat whom.

    Ladies on this thread, though, man, you guys have got some hall of fame MILs. Wow.
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    Overall, I was pretty lucky with my mom and MIL. My mom paid for the wedding, so of course she wanted input. She insisted on visiting the venue possibilities with us to help us choose, she wanted final say on win selection, things like that. Nothing serious except a minor meltdown on my part when my mom insisted on inviting the woman who broke up my grandparents' marriage - which she brought up all of two weeks after my grandmother died. That didn't go over well (ended up being a non-issue, as the woman couldn't come anyways).

    MIL was SUPER chill - didn't have to interject her opinion at any point, but I tried to keep her involved by sending her pics of me in "the dress," making sure we had everyone from her side of the family on the guest list she wanted, etc. She and SFIL were absolutely lovely at the wedding itself - DH and SILs had warned me not to expect them to dress up since they never do for family events, but they pulled out all the stops - I barely even recognized them :-)

    SMIL, now, was another story. She and FIL had never met me the entire 3 years DH and I were dating (including the one we lived together) even though they only lived 1.5 hours away and we invited them to all kinds of things. However, as soon as we got engaged, she insisted on having lunch, during which she cried a good 20 times about how happy she was. She and MIL split costs of the RD, but SMIL planned the whole thing (MIL and her don't get along, so MIL stepped down so as to not cause issues). SMIL LOVES weddings (she told me this about a billon times over the year we were engaged). We let them know that we just wanted something small at our favorite local restaurant - immediate family and BP. MIL agreed, but SMIL kept trying to make it into a mini-reception. She tried to get naked baby pictures of me from my mom to project as a "fun surprise" (I would have been mortified and probably crying in the bathroom). She wanted to have one of those Pinteresty thumb print tree things as our guest book - who has a guest book for a RD? Luckily, between MIL and my mom, they were able to keep her from going too crazy. What really made me annoyed, though, is when she tried to take credit for the surprise grooms cake I'd had made from DH that I presented to him at the RD. That was going a bit far.
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    allispain said:
    Overall, I was pretty lucky with my mom and MIL. My mom paid for the wedding, so of course she wanted input. She insisted on visiting the venue possibilities with us to help us choose, she wanted final say on win selection, things like that. Nothing serious except a minor meltdown on my part when my mom insisted on inviting the woman who broke up my grandparents' marriage - which she brought up all of two weeks after my grandmother died. That didn't go over well (ended up being a non-issue, as the woman couldn't come anyways).

    MIL was SUPER chill - didn't have to interject her opinion at any point, but I tried to keep her involved by sending her pics of me in "the dress," making sure we had everyone from her side of the family on the guest list she wanted, etc. She and SFIL were absolutely lovely at the wedding itself - DH and SILs had warned me not to expect them to dress up since they never do for family events, but they pulled out all the stops - I barely even recognized them :-)

    SMIL, now, was another story. She and FIL had never met me the entire 3 years DH and I were dating (including the one we lived together) even though they only lived 1.5 hours away and we invited them to all kinds of things. However, as soon as we got engaged, she insisted on having lunch, during which she cried a good 20 times about how happy she was. She and MIL split costs of the RD, but SMIL planned the whole thing (MIL and her don't get along, so MIL stepped down so as to not cause issues). SMIL LOVES weddings (she told me this about a billon times over the year we were engaged). We let them know that we just wanted something small at our favorite local restaurant - immediate family and BP. MIL agreed, but SMIL kept trying to make it into a mini-reception. She tried to get naked baby pictures of me from my mom to project as a "fun surprise" (I would have been mortified and probably crying in the bathroom). She wanted to have one of those Pinteresty thumb print tree things as our guest book - who has a guest book for a RD? Luckily, between MIL and my mom, they were able to keep her from going too crazy. What really made me annoyed, though, is when she tried to take credit for the surprise grooms cake I'd had made from DH that I presented to him at the RD. That was going a bit far.

    Bolded (yes, both the mini-reception and the baby pictures for a slideshow I don't want):

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    I posted a big long thread on here years ago when it happend. But the short version is MIL took the invites that we mailed to her, BIL, and BIL/ SIL and remailed then to her friends that we didnt invite. So imagine our surprised when we got an RSVP card from the X's, when the X's werent invited.

    MIL was SHOCKED that i had an issue with this. The venue has space so she didnt see the issue.

    BabyFruit Ticker
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    I have two MIL's and only one horrible story. Both were great for the most part. The only issue was when it was looking like one MIL wasn't going to get her way on an issue, she said to DH, "Marshmallow is making all of the decisions. This is your wedding, too. When will she let YOU make some decisions?" I told DH that we could compromise on this issue (I was leaning toward her preference, although it hadn't been finalized), but that if she EVER tried to play him against me for any reason for the entire future of our planning and marriage, he would have the come to Jesus talk with her. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in the 3 years we have been married.
    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
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    Moiramab said:
    Oh Lord. My mother is a loving, intelligent, reasonable, caring woman and we are incredibly close.  The second we started wedding planning, though, she completely freaking lost it.  Guest list issues I guess I could understand, but she's been fairly reasonable about that.  But bridesmaids dresses and the head table are apparently her hills to die on.  She wants more formal bridesmaids dresses, while I want them to be under $100 and short.  She also told me I was wrong to ask my bridesmaids what their budget was for the dress.

    And the head table conversation--seriously, I thought Matt wasn't going to want to marry me after he saw this conversation go down. I casually mentioned that I prefer to do a king's table or something similar so the bridal party can have their dates with them, and all hell broke loose. The words "but that's not how it's done!!" and "what about the PICTURES??" were thrown around, multiple times. 

    I just don't get it.
    I'm fairly certain this will be my mom. Head tables and gaps. I'm creating a mental arsenal already
    Oh I forgot about the gap conversation. I may be repressing that one.

    I'm from a huge Catholic family, and apparently anyone to ever get married EVER in the history of my family had a gap of at least three hours.  I was so proud of my little timeline: 2:30-3:30 ceremony, 4:00-5:00 cocktail hour (accounting for people leaving the church and making the drive to the reception hall), 5:00-5:30 intros & dances, 5:30-6:30 dinner, 6:30-10:00 dance (complete with late night snack because dinner was sorta early for some people).

    My mom reacted with pure horror. The NERVE of me not to have a gap. When were we going to take pictures? She wouldn't have any time between taking pictures at the church and the reception to freshen up. She wanted to host her close friends in her hotel suite in between. And how DARE I end a reception at 10:00 PM????

    I love the woman, really I do. And she's being super helpful with me planning an wedding from four states away. I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or bratty, but it's nice to have a place to vent about things like this.  I know 8 months from now the insanity will be over and things will go back to normal. 
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    We're trying to have a small wedding, strictly just closest friends and family, and FMIL tells me that we need to invite 8 of her coworkers and their SOs because they are family. That's almost half our guest list and I have never met any of them! Not happening.
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    My FMIL is forcing us to invite her next door neighbors. I hate said neighbors. And FH won't didn't her on it because she is giving is money towards a house.
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    Sigh, I'm telling this by proxy but bff just told me her mom is insisting she invite her (mom's) *biological* family to her 20-ish guest wedding. They've met this people twice In the past 8 years. I can only imagine the other requests and remarks we'll hear the weekend of the wedding....
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    wajohnson09wajohnson09 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    My mother is overly dramatic to begin with and the wedding has just kicked it into overdrive. She swings from not wanting to discuss wedding to screaming at me for not telling her anything.

    She made a huge deal because she is disabled and couldn't go dress shopping with me (I assured her multiple times that this is fine and was never expected). We had a huge argument about why I couldn't just buy a dress off the rack 2 months before the wedding. When I told her that the dress I was considering (and did buy) had a corset back I got a 3 hr lecture on how corsets make you look trampy and immature. My dad finally told her to calm the f down and I sent back the check they gave me to buy my dress and refuse to take money for it.

    We have argued about pretty much everything the last year and a half: having 2 types of centerpieces is tacky and makes me an AW( don't look at one type then), I should have a white bouquet (no), we aren't going to have a soloist at our church ceremony- well then why don't you just get married at JOP and I'm not coming (fine, don't), I don't like the scripture reading you 2 picked (well good thing it isn't your marriage ceremony), garlic mashed potatoes are tacky (ummm no idea how they are but don't eat them then) and on and on and on

    I was very timid when I was young so she seems to think she can still push me around and has tantrums when she doesn't. I am truly looking forward to this all being over a and thankful FI and I are able to pay for it by ourselves
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    I don't have any crazy stories to share (thank God!), but I echo your frustration with all of the momzilla posts on TK. Those posts make me furious on behalf of all the brides. 

    It truly baffles me how somebody could act like this about a wedding that isn't even theirs (that's not to say it's right even if it were their wedding). 
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