Invites

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Knottie42187851 I live in Florida and all of my family is in NY. I have. Huge family and my fiancé does not. We are having our wedding on the beach and we are paying for it ourselves and only have a budget of 8k. I am only inviting to the actual wedding my closets family and friends which is still nearing 70+and hoping at least 30 can't make it. I am going to have a BBQ party back in NY and my shower will also be there. What does everyone think on invites. I can't invite everyone to the wedding in Florida but I want all my family to be involved in the shower and after BBQ party. Does everyone think this is wrong and rude because everyone can't be invited to the beach???

zizibet · October 2014

It is wrong and rude to invite anyone to a shower who is not invited to the wedding. You're saying to them "Hey, give me a gift in celebration of an event you are not invited to." Having a family BBQ after your wedding is fine, just don't call it a reception. Finally, do not invite people you can't afford to host. Many brides on here have done that, and then gotten 100% attendance, which then caused problems. Figure out the total number of people you can afford to host and don't invite more than that.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

It's a lot easier said then done when you have a big family. I also am not expecting gifts. I'm not having a shower to get gifts I have a house and everything I need already. I also don't really have control over the shower since my sister in law will be planning it. So I guess with that said its up to them to decide what's right. To me the shower is to celebrate not to sit and have 100gifts to open.

Cookie Pusher · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

It's a lot easier said then done when you have a big family. I also am not expecting gifts. I'm not having a shower to get gifts I have a house and everything I need already. I also don't really have control over the shower since my sister in law will be planning it. So I guess with that said its up to them to decide what's right. To me the shower is to celebrate not to sit and have 100gifts to open.

Nope, wrong. The point of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. If you don't want gifts, then don't have a shower. You can still have a pre-wedding gathering (with only those invited to the actual wedding) but call it a bridal tea/brunch/anything else.

sarawifenow · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

Knottie42187851 I live in Florida and all of my family is in NY. I have. Huge family and my fiancé does not. We are having our wedding on the beach and we are paying for it ourselves and only have a budget of 8k. I am only inviting to the actual wedding my closets family and friends which is still nearing 70+and hoping at least 30 can't make it. I am going to have a BBQ party back in NY and my shower will also be there. What does everyone think on invites. I can't invite everyone to the wedding in Florida but I want all my family to be involved in the shower and after BBQ party. Does everyone think this is wrong and rude because everyone can't be invited to the beach???

Knottie42187851 said:

It's a lot easier said then done when you have a big family. I also am not expecting gifts. I'm not having a shower to get gifts I have a house and everything I need already. I also don't really have control over the shower since my sister in law will be planning it. So I guess with that said its up to them to decide what's right. To me the shower is to celebrate not to sit and have 100gifts to open.

JIC.

So what was the point of your post then? People are not going to say this is a good idea because it isn't/

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

That's a bit ridiculous to post if you ask me. But thanks for the response

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

Knottie42187851 I live in Florida and all of my family is in NY. I have. Huge family and my fiancé does not. We are having our wedding on the beach and we are paying for it ourselves and only have a budget of 8k. I am only inviting to the actual wedding my closets family and friends which is still nearing 70+and hoping at least 30 can't make it. I am going to have a BBQ party back in NY and my shower will also be there. What does everyone think on invites. I can't invite everyone to the wedding in Florida but I want all my family to be involved in the shower and after BBQ party. Does everyone think this is wrong and rude because everyone can't be invited to the beach???

Why not just make your BBQ in NY the wedding? Why have 2 different events, which is going to cost more money.

The only people invited to the shower should be the ones invited to the actual wedding ceremony. No excuses.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Because I live in Florida and I'm not trying to have a wedding in ny I moved here for the beaches not to go back there for my wedding

sarawifenow · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

That's a bit ridiculous to post if you ask me. But thanks for the response

No it isn't. It was an honest question. You came on here asking if your idea was rude (which it is) and then when someone said it was you defended doing it. You are going to do what you are going to do no matter what people say.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

I was talking about the person who posted the you don't treat people like shit and expect love

LittlePeachBlossom · October 2014

Can you just have your wedding in NY? Which family members are more likely willing to travel? his or yours?

A shower IS a gift giving event. Etiquette dictates that all invited to any wedding related activities must be invited to the wedding. You should give your sister your guest list and let her invite from there or decline the shower altogether.

sarawifenow · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

I was talking about the person who posted the you don't treat people like shit and expect love

Who said that? I don't see it anywhere.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

No that's not an option..but yes I'll just leave it up to her with the list I give thank you

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

Knottie42187851 I live in Florida and all of my family is in NY. I have. Huge family and my fiancé does not. We are having our wedding on the beach and we are paying for it ourselves and only have a budget of 8k. I am only inviting to the actual wedding my closets family and friends which is still nearing 70+and hoping at least 30 can't make it. I am going to have a BBQ party back in NY and my shower will also be there. What does everyone think on invites. I can't invite everyone to the wedding in Florida but I want all my family to be involved in the shower and after BBQ party. Does everyone think this is wrong and rude because everyone can't be invited to the beach???

Anyone invited to a pre-wedding party should be invited to the event itself (the wedding and reception). So if people are invited to your wedding shower in NY, it's bad etiquette to exclude them from your wedding in Florida.

If I were in your situation on a tight budget I would do the following:

Beach wedding in Florida with just immediate family; take everyone out to dinner afterwards (this counts as your reception).
Party in NY with family and friends to celebrate your recent marriage. Host a BBQ and invite whoever you want. Keep in mind this is just a party - not a wedding - since you already got married in FL.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Cookie pusher... Sorry I'm new to this site and I thought I commented on that and not your response

sarawifenow · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

Cookie pusher... Sorry I'm new to this site and I thought I commented on that and not your response

Yeah I still don't see that. Are we reading the same responses?

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Thanks this is a great idea my list is my closest family members and closets friends and I'm still over 50. That's also not even including all my aunts and uncles only the ones who are closest to me. Both of my parents have 8brothers and sisters so it's very difficult to pick and choose

zizibet · October 2014

This is an etiquette board. You're going to get answers on how to follow etiquette, not just validate rude ideas. And you're not a special snowflake- there are lots of brides in your situation-large families and small budgets.
Your line about "just because they didn't get to come to the beach" is disturbing. NO. It's because you are not inviting them to the point of the celebration- your wedding ceremony. Whether or not you are getting gifts is beside the point- you should not be asking people to celebrate an upcoming event that they are not invited to. Period, full stop.

And you do have some control over what your FSIL does; you can say, please don't invite anyone who isn't on the wedding guest list or you can decline the party.
And if everyone accepts the wedding invite, what will you do? 100% acceptance is not that uncommon.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

It was the second comment

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Sounds great thanks

sarawifenow · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

It was the second comment

Oh FFS, @CookiePusher never said anything close to what you are saying she did.

ETA: Tag. Also, it helps if you "quote" what you are replying to so people know who you are responding to.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

Thanks this is a great idea my list is my closest family members and closets friends and I'm still over 50. That's also not even including all my aunts and uncles only the ones who are closest to me. Both of my parents have 8brothers and sisters so it's very difficult to pick and choose

If you can't afford to host these people and you don't want to pick and choose, I would do immediate family only. So your parents and your siblings, and possibly your granparents. No aunts and uncles, no cousins, and either none or 1-2 friends. I'd probably go with none because of the size, but it's up to you.

It's not ideal, but that should keep you in good hosting and the clearly defined "immediate family only" will keep you in budget.

CMGragain · October 2014

What kind of wedding are you having in Florida? Is it an evening wedding with a dinner reception? This is the most expensive kind of wedding. Why not change to a morning ceremony and a lunch reception? This can save you thousands, and give you opportunity to invite more people. Alcohol will also be minimal. We served mimosas and bloody marys.
I would decline a shower unless you can invite everyone.
The celebration party will not be a part of your wedding.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Yes I have actually thought about this and I'm trying to keep it buffet style which I thought usually was cheaper but I have found so many places that don't give a break for buffet. The lunch receptions was significantly cheaper...thanks for the tip

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

Yes thanks I am trying to sort these things out luckily I have plenty of time

jacques27 · October 2014

So, you've established what you value and your priorities. You value a beach wedding more than you value your entire family being present for your wedding.

That's fine...as long as you own it and understand that every choice you make has an opportunity cost (for non-econ majors, the opportunity cost is cost of an alternative that must be forgone when you pursue another option). There is no having your cake an eating it, too, in these kinds of situations.

So, the opportunity cost of a beach wedding in Florida that you pay for yourselves would be your family who can't be there and the people you can't afford to invite. It would also be forsaking some pre-wedding events, like a shower (or at least a shower with the ENTIRE family), because it's rude to invite people to pre-wedding events who aren't invited to the wedding. Having a large family is not an excuse for rudeness.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are the very first person you know to have gotten married and have never attended anyone else's shower or wedding. So, if you are unaware, the only purpose of a shower is to give gifts. As someone else mentioned, it's to "shower the bride with gifts" and it comes out of a practice where a dowry was still the norm and people gave money to the bride's family if they were poor so they could ensure they had the dowry and that the wedding could take place. And I guarantee that even if you are ignorant about the fact that a shower is a gift-giving event (though you shouldn't be now), your guests most likely aren't and would be expecting that they need to bring you a gift. The rudeness comes in when you invite people who aren't invited to the wedding to come to a shower. You're basically saying "You're good enough to open your wallet and give me a gift, but not good enough for me to open mine and invite you to my wedding."

So, yes, if these people are not invited to the wedding, they shouldn't be invited to a shower. You should also never plan to invite more than you can host - you're just asking for it to backfire and bite you in the arse. You can, however, have a "celebration of marriage" party if you want, but only if you are actually hosting the BBQ and it's not potluck. If it's a potluck BBQ, then leave your wedding/marriage out of it and call it a family gathering.

esstee33 · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

It was the second comment

**SITB**

It's a picture in her signature, not part of her comment to you.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

I've actually been to and been in numerous weddings And I have seen people invited to showers and not a weddings. So asking these things to me isn't rude. People have intimate weddings . I've been to two destination weddings and they both hAd huge showers and everyone wasn't invited to the destination. People do things differently these days and when it's not a traditional wedding I've seen it more so. I just wanted some input I don't need Novel over it

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Knottie42187851 said:

I've actually been to and been in numerous weddings And I have seen people invited to showers and not a weddings. So asking these things to me isn't rude. People have intimate weddings . I've been to two destination weddings and they both hAd huge showers and everyone wasn't invited to the destination. People do things differently these days and when it's not a traditional wedding I've seen it more so. I just wanted some input I don't need Novel over it

Just because you've seen it, doesn't make it polite. How about you be the first one in your circle of friends to have a perfectly polite wedding, and don't do these things that people on the etiquette board are telling you is rude? You've gotten the input you've requested. Looks like you're going to ignore it. Have fun.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Just eliminate the word SHOWER and call it PARTY. Short answer.

agenevieve22016 · October 2014

I'm not ignoring anything I'm getting people's advice regardless if I've seen it happen or not. Clearly I've gotten the point that it's not proper..so thanks

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