social media is making me not want kids..

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

I never want my DH to feel like he has been replaced by the children. Just because he is a grown adult and can take care of himself does not mean he can feel loved by himself.

sarawifenow · October 2014

I don't mind the pics of babies/statuses of babies really. I just keep scrolling if I don't want to see it. Honestly, I will probably post pictures that will annoy people when I have a baby because there are "too many pics". I think one person's definition of "too many" is another's definition of "just right". It doesn't bug me at all.

beethery · October 2014

I saw this on instagram the other day, and it made me feel like tellign marzriv to go fuck herself. This kind of shit makes me rage. You can have a perfectly happy and fulfilling life without having kids.

Like I said, I lean more every day towards not having kids. I don't think I'd be that great of a parent, and I have a lot of hereditary shit that I don't want to pass on. It really burns my ass when anyone acts like you're missing out on a key component of life by not having kids.

If you want to have kids, good! My only thing is that as soon as I see someone being a sanctimonious fuck on FB about it (or about anything really), they're getting hidden from my feed ASAP.

KatWAG · October 2014

Ndelible said:

I gotta go with my children being the most important persons in my life. FH is second. Why? Because FH is an adult, who can take care of himself. However, I (and now we) are responsible for our children. That does not mean that their every whim or want is catered to. It means the exact opposite. We are raising human beings and we want them to be good ones. Our relationship is the most important, but we balance it with life lessons for the chil-ren. And that includes our relationship with each other.

I would not have respect for anyone who put their spouse before their children. I'm talking big stuff here.

That is a pretty agressive statement. Guess you dont have respect for me then.

Just bc H is an adult doesnt mean that he doesnt have wants and needs. To me, this line of thinking is exactly how you go from being in a marriage to being roommates who wear rings.

We put out marriage first so that our relationship is operating as best as it can. Then we parent together.If we arent taking our marraige seriously, then we arent communicating as best we could. Which means we wouldnt be parenting together, and that would negatively effect my kid.

abbyj700 · October 2014

beethery said:

I saw this on instagram the other day, and it made me feel like tellign marzriv to go fuck herself. This kind of shit makes me rage. You can have a perfectly happy and fulfilling life without having kids.

Like I said, I lean more every day towards not having kids. I don't think I'd be that great of a parent, and I have a lot of hereditary shit that I don't want to pass on. It really burns my ass when anyone acts like you're missing out on a key component of life by not having kids.

If you want to have kids, good! My only thing is that as soon as I see someone being a sanctimonious fuck on FB about it (or about anything really), they're getting hidden from my feed ASAP.

Yeah - HATE the parents who comment "you don't know what a mess is" or "You don't know what tired is" on people with pets, lives, jobs, etc. Get over yourself. It's not a competition. Best interaction I've seen was where a friend had posted simply that she was "So.Tired." Someone shot back that she didn't know what tired because she'd never had kids. Ends up the original woman who posted was tired...because her mother had gone through her first round of chemo and was staying with them - and had been getting sick through much of the night. Never assume that kids are the only thing in everyone's life that can cause pain, sickness, tiredness, stress, grief, etc. We're all different - and should support each other through it all.

In 25 days I will be blessed with a step daughter. One who is wonderful, and smart and amazing - and who I am so very proud of. She is not the center of my world. That isn't to say I would get FI a beer before making her a snack. Because, ya know, I'm not an idiot or a horrible human being. For me - part of focusing on my FI means taking care of his daughter and being an active positive role in her life. Call me selfish. I'm with the PP who said I focus on me - and that makes me better for everyone -including any member of my family.

SJM7538 · October 2014

@abbyj700‌ I think that's the part the stung the most. being told to "get a hobby." maybe I don't chase a toddler around all day but my full time job, marriage and four dogs are still work. and yes after working 730 to 5, going to the gym, coming home and cleaning or whatever else I am tired!

alpacalunch · October 2014

This thread is making me not want to be around judgemental people more than anything else. There have been some incredibly valid points made on all sides of this discussion, and it's made me think an extra minute about how I feel about this.

I'd like to think that when the time is right for us to spawn, we'll be able to parent as a team. A team working together for the best interests of the child, while still reaffirming all the reasons we chose one another in the first place.

Though I do have a friend who cannot separate from her children, and is so overwhelmed but won't accept any assistance. That shit is crazy. You are at your best as a partner, as a parent, as a person when you are able to take care of your wellbeing.

HaileyDancingbear · October 2014

beethery said:

I saw this on instagram the other day, and it made me feel like tellign marzriv to go fuck herself. This kind of shit makes me rage. You can have a perfectly happy and fulfilling life without having kids.

Like I said, I lean more every day towards not having kids. I don't think I'd be that great of a parent, and I have a lot of hereditary shit that I don't want to pass on. It really burns my ass when anyone acts like you're missing out on a key component of life by not having kids.

If you want to have kids, good! My only thing is that as soon as I see someone being a sanctimonious fuck on FB about it (or about anything really), they're getting hidden from my feed ASAP.

First bold: that's exactly how I feel. I just do not like kids. I don't HATE them, I just don't like them, at any age really. Even babies freak me the fuck out. I haven't willingly held a baby in like 11 years. I was GUILTED into holding a baby a year back, and the thing immediately smelled fear and cried, so I handed it back immediately. (Seriously, I said "No thank you" fifty fucking times to this lady. I'm still pissed that she was so adamant about it being my fucking duty as a woman to want to hold a fucking baby. NO.) I also have zero patience for bullshit. You think I could actually put up with the pile of non-logic that a kid is? Barely anything they do even makes sense. Not their fault, but still not something I would want to deal with.

Second bold, FUCK THEM. I hate those people. I hate them so much. No, I don't want kids. I don't enjoy being around them, I like having time to myself, and I don't want to nurture something 24/7. No, I don't feel even the slightest bit guilty or selfish for saying that because it's MY life. There is nothing selfish about living MY life the way I see fit. I could also go on for ages about how fucking overpopulated we already are and how much worse that's going to get VERY soon, but I don't even need to justify my decision to not have kids because there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

Also, feminist ranty dancingbear would like to point out that these fucktards never harass men over being single or not having kids. Nobody says you're less of a man for not having kids. Fuck these people, I refuse to even deal with anyone who is seriously going to try to tell me my gender should dictate my life in any way shape or form. The only thing my gender forces me to do is buy tampons and bras. Other than that, I don't give a single fuck what women should or shouldn't do or what men should or shouldn't do. I do what I want, and anyone who is going to try to shame or guilt me for having a vagina and living my life can fuck off.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

SJM7538 said:

@abbyj700‌ I think that's the part the stung the most. being told to "get a hobby." maybe I don't chase a toddler around all day but my full time job, marriage and four dogs are still work. and yes after working 730 to 5, going to the gym, coming home and cleaning or whatever else I am tired!

So does your brother think of his kid as a hobby? How does you getting a hobby in anyway equal you having a kid?

And people post pictures of things they enjoy and love on FB so that means you post pictures of your dog. But I guess since it is his child then that is different.

I also hate the whole "you don't know what tired is" thing. So I am not allowed to feel tired unless I have a kid? God I hate people sometimes.

SJM7538 · October 2014

@Maggie0829‌ the way I took it was that bc I post pics of my dogs (and I make it a point to limit it to just a few a week bc I know it can be obnoxious lol) that I need to "get a hobby" bc I dont do anything with my time. and in prior conversations he's made it a point to tell me that my dogs are clearly less significant than children. or that my time is less significant bc I don't have kids

example... he once told me about how he threw his cat across the room bc he caught him sleeping on my nephew when he was just a few months old. I was appalled and said something. mind you he knows in a huge animal lover and rescue advocate and his response was that I needed to stop putting animals before humans.

edited... not that I think it was appropriate the cat was sleeping on the baby. but his reaction was not appropriate. bc yeah a cat knows the pack and play is off limits ???

Maggie0829 · October 2014

He threw his cat across the room because the cat was most likely cuddling with the baby?! Wow. I mean unless the cat was smothering the kid I actually probably would have found it cute.

And who knew that only having kids meant that you were doing something significant with your time.

These are types of parents that really grind my gears.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

kaitlynmichelle · October 2014

MIL has the cutest picture of their kitten at the time sleeping on H when he was a baby. I loved that picture, and I can't understand throwing a cat for something like that.

KatWAG · October 2014

If someone threw either one of my babies, they would die. No joke. Meet my cat-dog.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

KatWAG said:

If someone threw either one of my babies, they would die. No joke. Meet my cat-dog.

That is so sweet! I hope that someday I can trust my dog to have his face that close to a baby. (He has had some issues in the past, but actually he'd probably be easier with an infant than a toddler who might accidentally grab him and freak him out).

flantastic · October 2014

I really wasn't sure how one definitively puts children before spouses in importance - before I saw the examples mentioned in passing about abusive partners and such. Like with serious stuff, okay. In daily life, I think it's much like the balance described by PPs on the first page.

I did hear a supervisor for my grad school program say that when his first daughter was born, his main focus was not taking care of the baby, but taking care of his wife. He was aware that as a newborn, mom was going to have to take care of most of baby's actual needs, so someone had to take care of mom.

When the kids and parents are adults, I should hope that my spouse is more important. That said, if anyone (adult offspring or spouse) issues an ultimatum of sorts ("it's me or them") I'm probably going to place more importance on the one who didn't force me to choose.

larrygaga · October 2014

https://www.facebook.com/help/104941232944896

boom i just solved all your problems

Ndelible · October 2014

KatWAG said:

Ndelible said:

I gotta go with my children being the most important persons in my life. FH is second. Why? Because FH is an adult, who can take care of himself. However, I (and now we) are responsible for our children. That does not mean that their every whim or want is catered to. It means the exact opposite. We are raising human beings and we want them to be good ones. Our relationship is the most important, but we balance it with life lessons for the chil-ren. And that includes our relationship with each other.

I would not have respect for anyone who put their spouse before their children. I'm talking big stuff here.

That is a pretty agressive statement. Guess you dont have respect for me then.

Just bc H is an adult doesnt mean that he doesnt have wants and needs. To me, this line of thinking is exactly how you go from being in a marriage to being roommates who wear rings.

We put out marriage first so that our relationship is operating as best as it can. Then we parent together.If we arent taking our marraige seriously, then we arent communicating as best we could. Which means we wouldnt be parenting together, and that would negatively effect my kid.

Perhaps it's aggressive to you, but I've seen too many children abused or neglected because one of the parents was afraid of losing the person they thought they loved (and "loved" them back). Grown folk leave their children, don't support them because of a spouse - not for a good reason.

It's not about supporting your child in everything they want to do; it's about being balanced and seeing the situation for what it is and where it may harm or help. I could not be with a man who did not accept and love my child. And same for him. It was extremely important to him that I accept his children and they accept me. It's a package deal and I would hope that no one has to chose. Sometimes, it's gonna be the spouse who's first and other times, the children.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

I remember visiting some friends who had just had their first baby. Their golden retriever rested his snout on my knee as I held the baby. It was almost like he was watching me to make sure I treated his baby brother okay. It was adorable.

BreMR · October 2014

I have a child, she is now almost 7. I have been complimented by a lot of my friends by how well I managed to stay "normal" after having a baby. One thing I will say about me and my fi, we fit our child into our already existing life, we did not revolve our life around her.

Also, to the people who are concerned about putting a child before your husband.. you do realize that your husband will love your child pretty much as much as you and wouldn't ever consider it 'putting the child first' it's just being a parent. Maybe it's because we chose not to change our entire worlds for a child, but we never had issues trying to balance our love life/being parents.. other than how few and far between date nights can get.

I am appalled by the parents on my FB feed, in fact, yesterday someone on my feed decided to post a photo of a dollhouse with actual SHIT in the toilet because her toddler said that's where 'poopie goes'

uh... NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!!

lovesclimbing · October 2014

SJM7538 said:

and it's really kind of sad. H and I never wanted kids but recently my nephews have me maybe changing my mind and wanting a kid in a few years. but then social media comes along and I get so scared im going to be "one of those" parents. example... my brother txted me the other day and told me I need a hobby bc I put too many pics of my dogs on Instagram. yet all he posts is pictures of his guitars and my nephew. mostly my nephew. then... a friend (well more like an acquaintance) just had a baby a few months ago. all she does is hashtag baby talk. the other day she posted this ridiculous rant about how if you cant accept that Her child is now the biggest part of her life then don't bother being in her life (clearly something happened with someone) and just now I post about how she freaked out at a Jehovah's Witness that rang the doorbell and woke up the baby. really? so no one can ring your doorbell ever?? other people do ridiculous stuff as well and maybe I'm biased bc I don't have Kids but I really really don't ever want to be like that! end rant!

Umm, then don't? Just because other people are a certain way doesn't mean you have to be. Not everyone is like that. I have several friends with kids, and none of them are over the top on social media.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

My newsfeed is filled with baby / kid stuff. And I don't mind at all. I'd rather it be than than political / religious rants and direct sales pitches.

lurkergirl · October 2014

I only have 2 annoying parents on my FB feed. One is raising entitled children. The other person...well, there kid just looks dirty in every picture. Snot, drool, and your dirty carpet do not a cute picture make!

steph861 · October 2014

emmaaa said:
@Sugargirl1019 I think it is good to have a balance. I honestly think when you have a child, that child and those children should be the most important person in your life. Their needs should always come before the needs of your husband because you CHOSE (hopefully) to bring a child into this world so it is your responsibility to take care of them.

that is not to say that your husband shouldn't still be important. He should! Very important! I think it would be hard for new parents to find the balance between putting their children first but never forgetting your partner still has needs.

This is exactly how I feel.

banana468 · October 2014

When I day that my marriage is first that doesn't mean that the needs of my children are second. It DOES mean that the 3 yo doesn't get to sleep in our bed or stay up late because that's special time my husband and I have together. And of course shoes and clothing for the kids come before a romantic dinner out. BUT, a video game may take second place to it.

It's all about balance and appropriate priorities. In 20 years DD should be out on her own. I need to make my marriage the thing that shows my children what a stable loving relationship looks like or she will turn into a special snowflake who thinks that a marriage is about a wedding dress and being queen for the day. There is a large amount of importance in choosing a life partner.

raissyrais · October 2014

beethery said:

I saw this on instagram the other day, and it made me feel like tellign marzriv to go fuck herself. This kind of shit makes me rage. You can have a perfectly happy and fulfilling life without having kids.

Like I said, I lean more every day towards not having kids. I don't think I'd be that great of a parent, and I have a lot of hereditary shit that I don't want to pass on. It really burns my ass when anyone acts like you're missing out on a key component of life by not having kids.

If you want to have kids, good! My only thing is that as soon as I see someone being a sanctimonious fuck on FB about it (or about anything really), they're getting hidden from my feed ASAP.

If that "hereditary shit" can give my future kids your glorious snark then I'll take those genes of yours anytime.

raissyrais · October 2014

@HaileyDancingbear

First bold: that's exactly how I feel. I just do not like kids. I don't HATE them, I just don't like them, at any age really. Even babies freak me the fuck out. I haven't willingly held a baby in like 11 years. I was GUILTED into holding a baby a year back, and the thing immediately smelled fear and cried, so I handed it back immediately. (Seriously, I said "No thank you" fifty fucking times to this lady. I'm still pissed that she was so adamant about it being my fucking duty as a woman to want to hold a fucking baby. NO.) I also have zero patience for bullshit. You think I could actually put up with the pile of non-logic that a kid is? Barely anything they do even makes sense. Not their fault, but still not something I would want to deal with.

Second bold, FUCK THEM. I hate those people. I hate them so much. No, I don't want kids. I don't enjoy being around them, I like having time to myself, and I don't want to nurture something 24/7. No, I don't feel even the slightest bit guilty or selfish for saying that because it's MY life. There is nothing selfish about living MY life the way I see fit. I could also go on for ages about how fucking overpopulated we already are and how much worse that's going to get VERY soon, but I don't even need to justify my decision to not have kids because there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

Also, feminist ranty dancingbear would like to point out that these fucktards never harass men over being single or not having kids. Nobody says you're less of a man for not having kids. Fuck these people, I refuse to even deal with anyone who is seriously going to try to tell me my gender should dictate my life in any way shape or form. The only thing my gender forces me to do is buy tampons and bras. Other than that, I don't give a single fuck what women should or shouldn't do or what men should or shouldn't do. I do what I want, and anyone who is going to try to shame or guilt me for having a vagina and living my life can fuck off.

You very eloquently put into words all that I feel is wrong in this world (concerning spawn). I do not want to have kids and FI either and we are very happy and rub our hands together mischievously when we think about the money that we'll have to spend for OURSELVES. NO shame there. I hate how people say "oh whhyyyyy?", "oh but you're still young", "your clock will tick" or "it'll change" in response to our "we won't be having children".

beharrington · October 2014

raissyrais said:

@HaileyDancingbear

First bold: that's exactly how I feel. I just do not like kids. I don't HATE them, I just don't like them, at any age really. Even babies freak me the fuck out. I haven't willingly held a baby in like 11 years. I was GUILTED into holding a baby a year back, and the thing immediately smelled fear and cried, so I handed it back immediately. (Seriously, I said "No thank you" fifty fucking times to this lady. I'm still pissed that she was so adamant about it being my fucking duty as a woman to want to hold a fucking baby. NO.) I also have zero patience for bullshit. You think I could actually put up with the pile of non-logic that a kid is? Barely anything they do even makes sense. Not their fault, but still not something I would want to deal with.

Second bold, FUCK THEM. I hate those people. I hate them so much. No, I don't want kids. I don't enjoy being around them, I like having time to myself, and I don't want to nurture something 24/7. No, I don't feel even the slightest bit guilty or selfish for saying that because it's MY life. There is nothing selfish about living MY life the way I see fit. I could also go on for ages about how fucking overpopulated we already are and how much worse that's going to get VERY soon, but I don't even need to justify my decision to not have kids because there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

Also, feminist ranty dancingbear would like to point out that these fucktards never harass men over being single or not having kids. Nobody says you're less of a man for not having kids. Fuck these people, I refuse to even deal with anyone who is seriously going to try to tell me my gender should dictate my life in any way shape or form. The only thing my gender forces me to do is buy tampons and bras. Other than that, I don't give a single fuck what women should or shouldn't do or what men should or shouldn't do. I do what I want, and anyone who is going to try to shame or guilt me for having a vagina and living my life can fuck off.

You very eloquently put into words all that I feel is wrong in this world (concerning spawn). I do not want to have kids and FI either and we are very happy and rub our hands together mischievously when we think about the money that we'll have to spend for OURSELVES. NO shame there. I hate how people say "oh whhyyyyy?", "oh but you're still young", "your clock will tick" or "it'll change" in response to our "we won't be having children".

I personally would never say those things to someone who says they don't want kids - we should all be thankful that they are smart enough to know themselves and not be pressured into bringing a completely dependent human being into their lives!

The only time I've ever said anything to someone was when my friend was getting married and his spouse had adamantly stated that she doesn't want kids. Friend does and would be a fantastic dad. I asked him several times if he was sure he was willing to give that up (and not resent her in the long run). In the end, he chose to marry her because current her means more to him than theoretical future kids.

As for all the over the top Facebook posts, I'm with y'all. I also agree that the same people who do it with their kids are the ones who did it for anything before kids too.

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

I just read this article found on fb. Thoughts?
"A letter to my friends without kids"

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5823776?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents&utm_content=buffer4d6d6&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

social media is making me not want kids..

Re: social media is making me not want kids..

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