Moms and Maids

My mom is feeling "left out" of my wedding...

Ok so here is the backstory: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old, my father remarried when I was almost 4 & my mom has never remarried. After 25 years, things are still uncomfortable between them. My mom (and grandma) feel like my step mom is the devil. She has been nothing but good to me over the years, so I have no hostile feelings to her whatsoever, I actually consider her like a second mom. My grandma (moms mom) still isn't to fond of my dad. Needless to say it has always been a little hostile.

So fast forward to the wedding. My fiancé and I are both from New Orleans, but are currently living in Atlanta. I have had to do most of the planning myself, with the help of a few bridesmaids and my fiancé. When we were home visiting, my mom went with me to go dress shopping & actually found THE dress. My dad is going to be walking me down the aisle, although it has been mentioned that I need to let my mom walk me down too. I personally don't like the way that looks for my situation. I feel like it is going to look like a struggle for power between my mom and dad. I am going to do the roses for the mothers during the ceremony, but I felt like I needed to include my stepmom since she has been in my life since a young age. My mom has made the statement that she feels left out and my dad is getting all of the "honor". I thought doing the rose thing would be a great way to honor her, but now Im concerned that she will get upset that my stepmom is also included in that. Any ideas on how I could honor just her to make her feel more involved in the wedding day?

Re: My mom is feeling "left out" of my wedding...

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2014
    Ok so here is the backstory: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old, my father remarried when I was almost 4 & my mom has never remarried. After 25 years, things are still uncomfortable between them. My mom (and grandma) feel like my step mom is the devil. She has been nothing but good to me over the years, so I have no hostile feelings to her whatsoever, I actually consider her like a second mom. My grandma (moms mom) still isn't to fond of my dad. Needless to say it has always been a little hostile.

    So fast forward to the wedding. My fiancé and I are both from New Orleans, but are currently living in Atlanta. I have had to do most of the planning myself, with the help of a few bridesmaids and my fiancé. When we were home visiting, my mom went with me to go dress shopping & actually found THE dress. My dad is going to be walking me down the aisle, although it has been mentioned that I need to let my mom walk me down too. I personally don't like the way that looks for my situation. I feel like it is going to look like a struggle for power between my mom and dad. I am going to do the roses for the mothers during the ceremony, but I felt like I needed to include my stepmom since she has been in my life since a young age. My mom has made the statement that she feels left out and my dad is getting all of the "honor". I thought doing the rose thing would be a great way to honor her, but now Im concerned that she will get upset that my stepmom is also included in that. Any ideas on how I could honor just her to make her feel more involved in the wedding day?
    I'm sorry but this is something that your Mother needs to get over.  She needs to deal with her own feelings and not make you feel like you are doing something wrong.

    You do not have to have both your Mom and Dad walk you down the aisle.  And yes, if you do the rose ceremony you should include your Step-Mom, especially since you are close with her.

    OliveOilsMomAddieCakeweddingcactusChemFanatic25
  • Thanks :) I guess having someone else say that makes me feel better about it. I just felt like leaving my stepmom out would be wrong.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Your mom will also be the last person to walk down the aisle being escorted to her seat prior to the BMs starting.  You mom will be honored.  If you are doing a unity ceremony with the candle, you can have just the moms light the side candles in the begining.

    Pick who you want to walk you down the aisle, if that is only your dad, that is fine.  Whoever is trying to pressure you to include your mom in escorting you down the aisle will just have to get over it. 

    Also, since so many years have passed, I think you have every right to tell your mom that you don't want to hear any disparaging remarks against your step-mom any further.  Tell her its been 25 years and you just don't want to hear it anymore.  Tell her to keep her opinion to herself.  Your not "sticking up for" or "defending" your step-mom by telling your mom that, you just are telling her you don't want to hear it anymore. 

    As for the ceremony, allow your parents to have their own row each.  Give them less reasons to interact with each other.  And for the reception, allow your parents to each host their own table and place them away from each other, but in equal prominence around the room.

    MairePoppy
  • In my culture, both parents walk the bride and groom down the aisle, so, to me that is just the norm. It does kind of feel like the father of the bride gets all the honor with the walk down the aisle and a spotlight dance.  Traditions just do not favor the mother of the bride, and that can be a hard pill to swallow. Giving the roses is nice, but giving fmil, step mom and mom kind of puts her as one in a group.  I don't know your relationship with your mom, but I just don't see how having her walk you down with dad is so bad.
    lilacck28MairePoppyKiWo
  • Ok so here is the backstory: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old, my father remarried when I was almost 4 & my mom has never remarried. After 25 years, things are still uncomfortable between them. My mom (and grandma) feel like my step mom is the devil. She has been nothing but good to me over the years, so I have no hostile feelings to her whatsoever, I actually consider her like a second mom. My grandma (moms mom) still isn't to fond of my dad. Needless to say it has always been a little hostile.

    So fast forward to the wedding. My fiancé and I are both from New Orleans, but are currently living in Atlanta. I have had to do most of the planning myself, with the help of a few bridesmaids and my fiancé. When we were home visiting, my mom went with me to go dress shopping & actually found THE dress. My dad is going to be walking me down the aisle, although it has been mentioned that I need to let my mom walk me down too. You can walk with whoever you want. You don't "need" do do anything. I personally don't like the way that looks for my situation. I feel like it is going to look like a struggle for power between my mom and dad. I am going to do the roses for the mothers during the ceremony, but I felt like I needed to include my stepmom since she has been in my life since a young age. My mom has made the statement that she feels left out and my dad is getting all of the "honor". I thought doing the rose thing would be a great way to honor her, but now Im concerned that she will get upset that my stepmom is also included in that. Any ideas on how I could honor just her to make her feel more involved in the wedding day?
    Ways to honor your mom:

    - Invite her dress shopping (check!)
    - do something to distinguish her at the ceremony, like roses (check!)
    - give her a corsage
    - make her part of the processional (often, it's grandmothers, then MOG, then MOB, then WP, then bride)
    - reserve a front row seat for her during the ceremony
    - mention her as "Mother of the Bride" in your programs (if having)
    - invite her to get hair/nails done
    - invite her to get ready with you
    - ask her to do a reading during the ceremony
    - give her a good seat at the reception

    All of these things are optional, of course. You don't need to do any of them. She should feel honored to simply attend the wedding of her daughter. She needs to get over her insecurities. Don't let her project them onto you as if you're doing something wrong. You don't even owe her whiny attitude an explanation, but you can give her one if you feel it would make things better. 

    Secondly, if you want to include your stepmom, give her a corsage, make her part of the processional and seat her in the front row next to your dad. As far as processional order, I'd do grandmothers, MOG, SM, then MOB last. Your mom is an adult. If she can't accept that you have other important people in your life who will be honored, part the processional, seated in the front row, then she needs to see a therapist.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • In my culture, both parents walk the bride and groom down the aisle, so, to me that is just the norm. It does kind of feel like the father of the bride gets all the honor with the walk down the aisle and a spotlight dance.  Traditions just do not favor the mother of the bride, and that can be a hard pill to swallow. Giving the roses is nice, but giving fmil, step mom and mom kind of puts her as one in a group.  I don't know your relationship with your mom, but I just don't see how having her walk you down with dad is so bad.
    DITTO. ALL OF THIS.

    My mom and dad will both be walking me down the aisle. Both FI's parents will walk him down the aisle. I was talking to my mom about the father/ daughter dance... and she was like "I want a dance too!" so... we might do one. I don't know if it will be a spotlight dance... but at the very least I am dancing with my mommy!

    Ultimately, you can do whatever you want. But I don't think it's a bad idea to do something extra special for just your mom.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    When I was MOB, I was honored by: shopping with daughter for 'THE DRESS,' was invited to the shower and bp (I declined the bp invitation so DD could live it up with her friends), was kept in the loop on the little details like centerpieces, color scheme, music, guest list, seating arrangement.

    AT DD's wedding, I was the last one seated before the procession, which is the traditional honor, in my family, for the MOB. If your Dad is the one who mentioned that Mom should be included in walking you down the aisle, I think you should reconsider it. I love the sentiment of having both sets of parents present the bride and groom. That's what I did for my own wedding (breaking with my fam tradition) because I had the feeling that my mother was feeling left out.




                       
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