Snarky Brides

The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)

13

Re: The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)

  • So, I only have one past boyfriend, but it's still a doozy.

    Junior year of undergrad, I was 20 years old. In October, some friends decided to set me up on a blind date with their 19 year old roommate. Neither one of us had ever been in a relationship (I had never actually been on a real date before then), so they figured it would be a good experience for us. The date went ok and we were both interested in pursuing things, but we were also both awkward. It took us until winter break to bring up the subject of a second date (the first sign that the relationship was a bad idea). When the next semester started in January, we went on our second date and then eventually started officially "dating".

    Two weeks into the dating relationship, we were cuddling on the couch at his place, watching tv and chatting. Next thing I know, he starts talking about sex. We were both virgins and at that point hadn't gone any farther than making out. He asks (and I'm quoting here) "will I still be a virgin when I turn 20?". I looked at him like he was nuts. He then went on to explain that it would be really lame to turn 20 and still be a virgin. I reminded him that I was 20 and a virgin and doing fine, with no intentions of changing that anytime soon. I also pointed out that if it really meant that much to him, he could just go stand out on a street corner and get it. He dropped it, but that was the first sign of his sex obsession.

    Over the next month of our relationship, he became very focused on our sexual activity. He never arranged dates. It was usually me suggesting things to do, which typically involved getting food at the dining hall on campus and then going back to my dorm room to cuddle. But cuddling was never enough. He kept pushing for more. I was good about setting boundaries, but damn he got frustrated.

    The final straw in the relationship came one night when we were hanging out with my friends that originally set us up. We were playing LOTR Risk. During the course of the night, he made several sexist remarks that sealed his fate. There are two that stick out. The first: he tried to joke that women should be seen and not heard when I was taking my turn during the game and needed to get people's attention.

    The absolutely final straw? The comment to beat all comments? He made a comment along the lines of "at least your girlfriend is attracted to you" after another guy joked that his girlfriend wouldn't be getting any that night (she took his country). He essential inferred that because I wasn't ready to have sex with him, I wasn't attracted to him and was a horrible girlfriend. I broke up with him the next night, after explaining that I wasn't putting up with his obsession over losing his virginity anymore.

    He's still single. I occasionally stalk him on FB. I don't think he's ever had another girlfriend, at least not on FB. Not gonna lie, I secretly hope he's still a virgin, while I get to enjoy fantastic sex with my husband.
    Anniversary
  • @RajahBMFD‌ you know the most he's ever gotten is someone looking at an unsolicited dick pic he sent them. Good on ya for not playing that dumbass's game!
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • @afox007 I nearly died when I read your story about the adult baby fetish!!!! I really don't know what I would have done in that situation!


  • @afox007 I nearly died when I read your story about the adult baby fetish!!!! I really don't know what I would have done in that situation!


    Wine makes me question my judegement a lot! 
    image
  • OMG, @beethery. I'm dying. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard while reading TK. I'm seriously crying right now.
  • beethery said:
    Alright so it's late, but here's the Velociraptor story. I don't recommend ingesting beverages or eating because I don't want to be responsible for your potential death from choking. Not because I think I'm hilarious, but because when I was experiencing this shit I almost died or ruined clothes while eating/drinking because I'd gasp and inhale a chip or my jaw would drop and I'd just spill an entire mouthful of coke on my shirt. Dude was fucking weird.

    So while I was living in GA, I went buckwild on the dating thing. I did a lot of seeing and doing. It started with this one dude. Which, after you read this shit you might be surprised that I decided not to become a celibate shut-in.

    I got bored one day and was perusing OkCupid. I was at the tail-end of a very long dry spell. Like a year and a half of nothing. It was boring, and I was lonely.

    Saw a dude. He's moderately attractive. Messaged him. Ended up exchanging phone numbers and texting.

    He was going to be in the area in a week, plans were made to hang out.

    So he texts me a lot. Like all the time. All the fucking time. Texting more or less constantly if he wasn't asleep. I start getting annoyed but think, "Hmmm. I like attention. Is this what getting attention in a normal dating relationship is like? Shit. maybe it is. Do I want to have a relationship with him? No idea. Haven't tested his peen yet. Will see."

    Hangout day arrives. He shows up, we talk. He is kind of aggressive. Like really handsy. It had been a year and I was looking for the D. Whatever.

    This is where you realize that I am a skank. I've accepted it, it's fine with me.

    image

    I s'd his D. He then tells me that he usually can not pop one off again once he's already done it. He says he will try. I audibly laugh at him, he puts a condom on, and we go for it.

    So at this point, I am like "I am finally getting laid. It is not great, but I was horny. If he gets me off, I will allow him to sleep in bed and not relegate him to the couch." (I'm not nice, get used to it) I close my eyes, and then open them, and this is staring at me:

    image

    But with one eye bigger than the other, and the jaw jutting out WAY MORE than it should.

    In my head, all I hear is this:

    I said, "Oh god." out loud and what does the velociraptor say????? "God isn't who is doing this for you baby."

    Yes. You read that correctly.

    So I decide it is time to not face him so that I can think about how to get this dude THE FUCK OUT as soon as we're done. I'm no quitter.

    I make excuses, he leaves. I start getting really really long texts from him. They're like tawdry romance novels about how he wants to fuck me. He said 'making love' in one and I almost ralphed at work. I'm not really responding to these texts the way he would like. Sometimes I say lol, other times I say ok, and most of the time I say "I'm busy, maintain radio silence because I have shit to do."

    He is not employed, I find out. He has recently finished his contract with the Marines, and spends his days toking and writing me romance novels. And also freaking out and ranting to me about how the paint sprayer thing he bought to paint his motorcycle is bad. I say things like, "I am sorry this is happening to you."

    Then he tells me I am being distant. I take this opportunity to explain to him that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. I had told him pre-hookup that I would be alright with seeing where it goes, but if it doesn't work out, that's it. No harm no foul, right?

    Oh no. He calls me and leaves me an angry voicemail (mid-day. I'm at work and not about to talk to this fool while working). I listen to it and feel like I'm going to need a new set of underwear because I really thought I was going to shit myself from laughing so hard.

    He accused me of using him for sex. He told me that I was a bad person, and he'd tell his VA counselor about what a bad person I was, and that I should never piss off a marine like that. (Child please. Of all the marines I've known and fucked, you were subpar on many levels) He started crying, the rest was unintelligible.

    I elect not to respond to this nonsense as I am lining up dates with other, hopefully more sane, people.

    I get a text message 3 days later. "Do you have any friends you could set me up with?"

    Sorry Velociraptor, but I don't think any of my friends want to take a trip to the Mesozoic Era. His dick was better than the nugget. Least he had that going for him.
    I love you for knowing about the geological time scale.  
    image
  • I love you for knowing about the geological time scale.  
    I got excited when I googled to check because I was right! 
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • Yeah, when I told my friends, there was a lot of this going on:

    image
  • Well, I think I've been pretty lucky with the guys I've dated compared to this list.  I did have one online guy freak out on me after we had chatted a bit.  He said a few things over several conversations that made me think he wasn't too gay friendly.  When I said maybe we were looking for different things (look, I played roller derby at the time and was also on a co-ed cheer team), he freaked and told me how me and all the people I knew were going to burn in hell cos all gay people and those who supported them liked to fuck animals and children.  He got ignored pretty quick.  

    My first BF though was a special one.  I was 14, he was 13 and he lived in another part of the city, about a 15 min drive, so this was a LDR at that point.  I only saw him every few weeks or so cos of the distance.  Anyway, I had a party, which was the first time we kissed.  It was this horrible air tight seal, similar to CPR around my mouth.  My chin was covered in drool after.  I remember wondering why people liked this since I didn't think it was all that nice.  

    Anyway, next month (about 2 months in here) at my friends party, I was outside getting fresh air, since everyone was trying smoking inside.  He came out and sat with me.  He then took my hands, looked me in the eyes and asked, "So, uh, do you wanna fuck??"  I said no.  He asked if I wanted to do anything close.  I was thinking maybe eventually, but dude, I've kissed you once.  Not tonight I don't.  Anyway, he got mad and stomped off.  

    Later that evening (about 11:30pm), my BFF and I walked him and his twin to the bus stop cos they had curfew.  The bus stop was on a lamp post, on someone's front lawn on a major residential road.  It wasn't super busy, but there were still cars driving by.  He wanted to "make out" while waiting for the bus, which meant lying on this person's front lawn kissing while cars drove by.  Not my thing.  He phoned 2 days later to break up with me, which I totally saw coming.  

  • I'm sorry that this is so late 
    beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK


    I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of  the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!

  • beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK


    I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of  the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!
    @asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.

    You picked a good post for your first one to participate in <3
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • beethery said:
    asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK


    I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of  the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!
    @asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.

    You picked a good post for your first one to participate in <3


    :D SB is my favorite board, so many of you girls sound so awesome :)
    I haven't played ESO, I don't usually like MMOs. I do have a hard time dragging myself away from Skyrim and Oblivion. Sadly, my saved game on Morrowind was lost :(  Thank you so much for the kind welcome even though I dragged up a semi-old thread :)

  • asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK


    I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of  the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!
    @asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.

    You picked a good post for your first one to participate in <3


    :D SB is my favorite board, so many of you girls sound so awesome :)
    I haven't played ESO, I don't usually like MMOs. I do have a hard time dragging myself away from Skyrim and Oblivion. Sadly, my saved game on Morrowind was lost :(  Thank you so much for the kind welcome even though I dragged up a semi-old thread :)

    I'd only played Skyrim and had never played or really had an interested in MMO games until ESO came out. It just looked SO cool and fun, so I got in on the beta testing and became obseeeeesssed.

    Also, people can appreciate funny bad sex stories anytime, so there's nothing wrong with pulling an old thread like this out ;)
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK


    I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of  the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!
    @asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.

    You picked a good post for your first one to participate in <3


    :D SB is my favorite board, so many of you girls sound so awesome :)
    I haven't played ESO, I don't usually like MMOs. I do have a hard time dragging myself away from Skyrim and Oblivion. Sadly, my saved game on Morrowind was lost :(  Thank you so much for the kind welcome even though I dragged up a semi-old thread :)

    I have only ever played Oblivion, and I was so far and my game was accidentally deleted :(  I might start it over.  On my wishlist though are the other games in the Elderscrolls series.  I am trying to make Daggerfall work on my computer, but the DOS box/emulator thing makes no sense to me and my SO says not to mess with it if I don't know what I'm doing.  
    image
  • beethery said:
    I'd only played Skyrim and had never played or really had an interested in MMO games until ESO came out. It just looked SO cool and fun, so I got in on the beta testing and became obseeeeesssed.

    Also, people can appreciate funny bad sex stories anytime, so there's nothing wrong with pulling an old thread like this out ;)

    TES has long been my favorite game series so I instantly love you : ). I wish I had some funny/bad sex stories to add to the thread but I'm terribly boring. The best I've got is an ex who continued to send pictures of himself to girls online after we started dating. Apparently he was really proud of that pic because he hadn't eaten for like 3 days and that was the skinniest he had ever looked. That was his reasoning for sending it out to random girls on myspace haha
  • asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    I'd only played Skyrim and had never played or really had an interested in MMO games until ESO came out. It just looked SO cool and fun, so I got in on the beta testing and became obseeeeesssed.

    Also, people can appreciate funny bad sex stories anytime, so there's nothing wrong with pulling an old thread like this out ;)

    TES has long been my favorite game series so I instantly love you : ). I wish I had some funny/bad sex stories to add to the thread but I'm terribly boring. The best I've got is an ex who continued to send pictures of himself to girls online after we started dating. Apparently he was really proud of that pic because he hadn't eaten for like 3 days and that was the skinniest he had ever looked. That was his reasoning for sending it out to random girls on myspace haha

    image

    Ugh. I'm glad he's an ex.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • ashsmash07ashsmash07 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited October 2014
    doeydo said:
    @asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.

    You picked a good post for your first one to participate in <3


    :D SB is my favorite board, so many of you girls sound so awesome :)
    I haven't played ESO, I don't usually like MMOs. I do have a hard time dragging myself away from Skyrim and Oblivion. Sadly, my saved game on Morrowind was lost :(  Thank you so much for the kind welcome even though I dragged up a semi-old thread :)

    I have only ever played Oblivion, and I was so far and my game was accidentally deleted :(  I might start it over.  On my wishlist though are the other games in the Elderscrolls series.  I am trying to make Daggerfall work on my computer, but the DOS box/emulator thing makes no sense to me and my SO says not to mess with it if I don't know what I'm doing.  
    @doeydo You should definitely give Skyrim a try! I started with Oblivion, went back to Morrowind and then wasted many an hour on Skyrim. I play other games in between but I just keep going back to Skyrim haha, It'll probably get a break when the new Dragon Age comes out next month!
  • beethery said:
    asherbugg said:
    beethery said:
    I'd only played Skyrim and had never played or really had an interested in MMO games until ESO came out. It just looked SO cool and fun, so I got in on the beta testing and became obseeeeesssed.

    Also, people can appreciate funny bad sex stories anytime, so there's nothing wrong with pulling an old thread like this out ;)

    TES has long been my favorite game series so I instantly love you : ). I wish I had some funny/bad sex stories to add to the thread but I'm terribly boring. The best I've got is an ex who continued to send pictures of himself to girls online after we started dating. Apparently he was really proud of that pic because he hadn't eaten for like 3 days and that was the skinniest he had ever looked. That was his reasoning for sending it out to random girls on myspace haha

    image

    Ugh. I'm glad he's an ex.
    For realz, even at 19 I was able to figure out that he was a moron hah
  • My biggest disappointment is when my vibration batteries die and I don't have more.

    I have a boring relationship history.
  • Another bad date story:

    Not nearly as juicy as some of these, but it seems like this post needs new life.

    First phone call.  Met him on one of those "phone" meetup deals.  He asks me out to a minor league baseball game the next night.  Sounds great!  We talk for awhile.  Progressing well so far.  Towards the end of the conversation he says, "You know, what are you doing tonight?"  Long story short, he invites me to dinner.

    Now, keep in mind, we already have a date set for the NEXT night also.  Agreeing to two dates before I've even met the guy was a rookie mistake!

    He picks me up and we are in the car driving to the restaurant.  He is playing blaring, hard core rap music.  One of my least favorite genres, but people have different tastes and I don't complain.  Until he asks me what type of music I like.  I tell him and then, kind of embarrassed laughing, tell him what he is currently playing is one of my least favorite types of music.  He goodnaturedly laughs also and says it is one of his faves.  And LEAVES the music on!  Ummm...okay.  Not too slick, but I chalked it up to him being a clueless man instead of a rude one...I am far too benevolent sometimes, lol.

    We get to the restaurant and, the longer I am with this guy, the more I realize we are not meant to be...I'm laughing at how mildly I put that.  The waiter drops the check at the end of the meal and this guy lets it sit there...and sit there...while he natters on as I wish for death.

    FINALLY, after 20 minutes, he picks up the check and asks me if I think he is supposed to pay up front.  WHAT?!?  This isn't IHOP or a cheap diner...it's a restaurant.  Yeah.  A fancy one.  Like a Chili's (sarcasm).  But still, certainly one that does not have a cash register at the hostess stand.  Despite the shocked screaming in my head, I politely tell him, "No, I'm pretty sure you need to pay the waiter."  He decides he needs to ask the waiter (whatever), but doesn't do much to get his attention.  I start thinking about full-body tackling the waiter just to make the torture end a little sooner.

    Waiter verifies the money should be given to him.  "My guy" puts $40 in the check folder and, although I haven't seen the check, that seems a bit chintzy to me considering tip.  But, hey, time to GOOOOO!  Except we don't.  We sit there longer while he is apparently waiting for the change.  This cannot be real.  Sure enough, the waiter brings back $4 and change.  My date proceeds to pick up $1 and the change and leaves $2 on the table.  For a $35 meal.

    I truly didn't mean to look shocked and horrified, but I must have, because the guy says, "Is that not enough?  I never know what to leave."  I ask him if he minds if I look at the check and explain a customary tip is 15%-20%.  I show him that, for a $35 check, a tip for decent/good service (which it was) should be $5-$7.  He looks at the tip and looks at his wallet and looks at the tip and says, "Eh, that should be enough."  I put on my "well, bless your little heart" smile and say, "You were so sweet to take me to dinner, how about I take care of the tip?"  And put a $5 bill on the table.  He says thanks...AND LETS ME (ugh!).  For the record, I know this guy had decent money.  And I don't mind paying my way once I am in a relationship...but not on a first date.

    He drives me back to my house and I am thinking, "Aaahhhh...sweet relief!"  And then I remember we are going out tomorrow night also.  Doh!  The second date was not nearly as bad, thank goodness, but definitely did not change my mind about our "future", lol. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited October 2014
    I'm late to the party!! But I want to share one of my many escapades. I was talking to this guy that I'd met online while in college, and we'd been hanging out (read: making out) for a few weeks. He wasn't the most attractive guy but I was right in the middle of my 'promiscuous phase' and I was horny so I wasn't too picky, and he was someone to help pass the time with and was at least an average kisser. Anyway, he tells me that he's going to be house-sitting his uncle and aunt's house for the weekend while they're out of town, and invites me to come with him. Sure! 

    We go on Saturday morning and he's showing me around the house. In one of the bedrooms, there is a GIANT box of Trojans. I mean like a 90-count economy pack. I make a joke saying, "Geez, what all did you think what gonna happen this weekend?" (thinking he would laugh it off too about how many condoms his aunt and uncle have in the house). Nope. He says, dead ass serious, "Well, I wanted to be prepared." 
    Hmm... alright. I wanted the D so who was I to judge?

    Long story short, we get to work on that 90-count box, and it's god awful. Like I could barely even feel ANYTHING. I'm trying to play along though and be all sexy and try to give him some encouragement, and I open my eyes and look up to see that his eyes are squinted shut, and he's got his mouth open with his tongue pressed against his teeth but also sort of sticking out of his mouth? And he's hammering as hard as he can. I literally thought I would die of laughter, but at the very least I was OVER it. He finished approximately 30 seconds later, so luckily I was spared too much humiliation. Guess what he says after rolling off of me and sprawling out on the bed? 
    "That was amazing." It was something, buddy.

    On the way home the next day, we I decided we shouldn't see each other anymore because he was annoying the shit out of me, and then I found out he didn't even know how to pronounce my name. After 2 months. How weird is that?

    I found out a month later that I had been the girl on the side because homie had a girlfriend of about a year. 
    Anniversary



  • I avoided this thread for so long thinking it would be about food poisoning or something. 

    Woo hoo!

    a) Met a guy at a bar in college who turned out to have his own "nugget". Usually I can be too nice for my own good, so the morning after we chit chatted and I left fully intending to never call. Well, our college town was small, and I saw him at the bar on Halloween dressed in a baby onesie (cringe!!) and he goes, "You never called me!" I was a bit shocked (and drunk) so I shrugged and turned away, and he walked away.  I felt bad, but nuggets aren't for me. 

    b) I had a friends-with-benefits relationship in college with a guy that, of course, I wanted more of a relationship from. That never ends well. He moved from telling me he didn't want a relationship to getting a girlfriend he'd met in class. Lo and behold I wasn't aware of that fact until after we slept together again. About a year after graduation the actual friendship ended. He married that girl. They officially divorced a month ago and he already had a new girlfriend (thanks, Facebook!).  Clearly I dodged a bullet. 

    Now, I've been really lucky with dating even though it took awhile to finally meet DH. So, onto two friends' stories. 
    a) My roommate broke up with a bodybuilder. What's the male version of a butter face? He had a butter face. When she said she was ending things, he gestured to his muscled torso and said, "YOU'RE breaking up with THIS?"  Uh.... yes.  

    b) Another friend hooked up with a cute guy in one of our sorority's preferred fraternities (meaning we were friends with most of the guys and several girls had boyfriends in the house).  She came back one night and said he, well, treated her lady parts like a dog treats a chewtoy. Picture shaking your head side to side and growling!
    Ew!  He was henceforth given the nickname "Chewtoy."  Never saw him again after graduation. 
    ________________________________


  • beethery said:
    @wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.

    also

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK
    I'd love me a dunmer man. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

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