I Want to Keep my Maiden Name

Knottie26324882 · October 2014

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to keep my maiden name instead of taking my husband's last name. Two of my aunts and several of my female cousins kept theirs and I've always believed that taking a man's last name is an outdated tradition. My fiancé, however is extremely opposed and argues that we should have the same last name as our children so that I have a stronger connection to them. Personally I could care less whether or not I share a last name with my children. I've brought up the possibility of him taking my last name or for us to create a new one but he's adopted and says that it's the main connection that he has to his family. We both came up with the compromise that I would hyphenate but neither of us are truly happy because he still prefers for me to give up my maiden name and take his and I feel like I'm selling out by giving into his wishes. I'm just afraid we'll both end up resenting each other.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Knottie26324882 said:
Ever since I can remember I've wanted to keep my maiden name instead of taking my husband's last name. Two of my aunts and several of my female cousins kept theirs and I've always believed that taking a man's last name is an outdated tradition. My fiancé, however is extremely opposed and argues that we should have the same last name as our children so that I have a stronger connection to them. Personally I could care less whether or not I share a last name with my children. I've brought up the possibility of him taking my last name or for us to create a new one but he's adopted and says that it's the main connection that he has to his family. We both came up with the compromise that I would hyphenate but neither of us are truly happy because he still prefers for me to give up my maiden name and take his and I feel like I'm selling out by giving into his wishes. I'm just afraid we'll both end up resenting each other.

It is YOUR name. The only one who gets a say is you. He needs to get over this. You will bond with your children in a million other ways than your name. That's a silly argument.

emmaaa · October 2014

It is your name and you are the only one who gets to decide whether you want to change it or not. He can express his feelings about it but that is all. Ask him why it is so important to him to share a name, why is that the only way to share a bond with your children, and if it is so important, why can't you give the children your name?

esstee33 · October 2014

Turn his own logic around on him, then: why is it OK for you to give up your family name, your "connection" to your family, but it's worse for him to do so? I don't buy the argument that because he's adopted that's all he has. He has a lifetime of memories and a current relationship with his family, too. There is absolutely no reason it HAS to be you to change your name. It's not the name that creates a family.

emmyg65 · October 2014

It's not his decision to make. If you want to keep your name, keep it.

FWIW, both my husband and I kept our names and we're hyphenating them for our child's last name. But really, you don't need to share a name to show you love someone.

climbingsingle · October 2014

My ex-husband was really pissed that I didn't want to change my last name. We got into a huge fight over it and he didn't speak to me for days. I couldn't understand why he cared so much.

It's your name, and it's your decision!

dcbride86 · October 2014

It's your name! Like everyone else here, I think it's your call.

Also - remind him that with a 50% divorce rate in this country, you certainly won't be the only mom without the same last name as her kids.

daria24 · October 2014

I kept my maiden name. This is one of the few areas in marriage where I think you shouldn't compromise-it's your name, your decision. He can hate it all he wants, he has to suck it up and deal.

littlemushroom · October 2014

Honest question... You floated the idea of coming up with a new to both of you last name, so you are clearly OK with the idea of not having your maiden name in that situation. What is different about giving up your maiden name to take a new name than taking your FI's last name?

I do agree that it is your name and you can do what you like. If you want to keep your name you should. Just trying to understand.

With the compromise you offered, it can make it seem less like you are attached to your name and want to keep it and more that you just don't want to take HIS name. He may be getting defensive and be digging his heels in because that is how he sees it. Kind of like, you would give up your maiden name for some random name that has no connection to anything, but not for his name.

I am not saying that is right or fair, but that assumption may keep him from truly listening to your reasons. If you can get him past that, he may be much more receptive to your feelings and that way you can avoid resentment on either side.

princessleia22 · October 2014

This is really something that needs to be resolved between you and your FI. A bunch of random strangers on the internet can't tell you how either of you feel or what your motivations are. We get that it's important to both of you. You need to sit down together and honestly discuss why you both feel so against changing you names and why you feel the way you do. You will have many issues to work through during your marriage and name is a relatively minor one, even if it may have some real emotion behind it. If you can't agree on your name, how will you work through larger issues later? It does get difficult if you both feel very strongly about it though, but that doesn't mean you can come to some resolution. And if you compromise, you both need to be fully honest with each other and make sure you actually settle on something you both can live with so you don't end up resenting each other.

My DH felt very strongly about me taking his name. I would have preferred to keep my maiden name or hyphenate, not so much for the connection to my family, but for professional reasons. I've got over 15 years of career, degrees, and professional licenses attached to my maiden name. But, I realized that changing my name meant more to him than keeping my name meant to me... so I decided to take his name. And I am okay with it because I know it's important to him.

But, that doesn't mean you should give in to your FI... if you feel strongly, then you need to find a solution that works for both of you. But, finding the deep down, fully honest reasons behind both of your feelings is important to resolve and compromise.

princessleia22 · October 2014

Also, a lot of woman on here compromise by moving their maiden name to be their middle name then take husbands last name. My sister did this. That allows them to keep that connection to their family while still taking husbands name. Then you can choose to use just married last name or you could sign with full name to include the maiden name. But, legally you, husband, and kids would all have same name. So that may be a compromise to consider in this situation.

amelisha · October 2014

lolo883 said:

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to keep my maiden name instead of taking my husband's last name. Two of my aunts and several of my female cousins kept theirs and I've always believed that taking a man's last name is an outdated tradition. My fiancé, however is extremely opposed and argues that we should have the same last name as our children so that I have a stronger connection to them. Personally I could care less whether or not I share a last name with my children. I've brought up the possibility of him taking my last name or for us to create a new one but he's adopted and says that it's the main connection that he has to his family. We both came up with the compromise that I would hyphenate but neither of us are truly happy because he still prefers for me to give up my maiden name and take his and I feel like I'm selling out by giving into his wishes. I'm just afraid we'll both end up resenting each other.
It is YOUR name. The only one who gets a say is you. He needs to get over this. You will bond with your children in a million other ways than your name. That's a silly argument.

Agreed completely. Furthermore, it's completely unfair for him to place his connection to his last name over your connection to yours. If he doesn't realize that it is EXACTLY the same to ask you to change your name as it would be to ask him to change his, that is not your fault.

Everyone feels differently about this and there is no right or wrong way to do it, as long as you are happy with it. But I truly believe that no one should be pressured to change his or her name if he or she doesn't want to, and no silly arguments about sharing a name with your kids should come into it. Do you know how many kids now have different names than one or both of their guardian parents? Tons. No one even bats an eye anymore at this one, so it's a bit of a ridiculous argument.

I'm saying all this as someone who is going to change my name (and, for that matter, change my name from a common, simple surname to an unwieldy four-syllable one that's not of my own ethnic origin), but I'm doing that because I don't feel connected to my name as a name and it's not important to me or my family, and my fiance and his family really, really wanted another "-ski" in the family. But it was my choice, and I'm not doing it begrudgingly or with any sense of loss.

Ultimately, this is your choice, and he shouldn't be pressuring you to decide one way or the other because it only affects YOU at the end of the day. Of course, in a perfect world every couple talks this out and takes each other's feelings into account, but if there's disagreement, his opinion shouldn't take precedence over yours.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Sounds familiar. I wanted to keep my last name and DH wanted me to change my last name to his last name. His argument was that he wanted to have one family name. So I offered him my last name. He rejected it and said he wants to keep his family name. My argument was that I want to keep my family name. And around we went.

We had WAY too many conversations about it. He badgered me about it. After some reflecting, I realized I was in this position of feeling like I had to justify and explain my choice to him. Like I had to "make a case" for why I wanted to keep my last name. And I felt that he was completely disrespecting my choice.

TBH, that went on for too long before I basically said, "My name is my choice. Your name is your choice. I will respect what you choose to do with your last name - whether that's keep it, change it, hyphenate it, etc. And YOU have to respect whatever I choose. You have made me feel guilty about my choice and disrespected in general. This is not up for debate, discussion or any further conversation. I will not talk about it anymore unless it's because you're telling me that you respect my choice." I did not say this in the heat of the moment, but sat him down and was extremely serious about it. After that, he said he didn't realize how obnoxious he was being and he apologized for making me feel that way.

I encourage you to have this talk with your FI. He needs to understand that this is no one's choice but yours. And, further, he needs to respect whatever you decide. If he doesn't come around to that idea, this is a huge red flag.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

Knottie26324882 said:

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to keep my maiden name instead of taking my husband's last name. Two of my aunts and several of my female cousins kept theirs and I've always believed that taking a man's last name is an outdated tradition. My fiancé, however is extremely opposed and argues that we should have the same last name as our children so that I have a stronger connection to them. Personally I could care less whether or not I share a last name with my children. I've brought up the possibility of him taking my last name or for us to create a new one but he's adopted and says that it's the main connection that he has to his family. We both came up with the compromise that I would hyphenate but neither of us are truly happy because he still prefers for me to give up my maiden name and take his and I feel like I'm selling out by giving into his wishes. I'm just afraid we'll both end up resenting each other.

Do you already have children, or is he referring to future children?? (I assume he is referring to future children). H's SIL kept her maiden name after they married. They have a daughter, and she has her dad's last name. Our niece loves both her parents equally. His argument is lame.

lyndausvi · October 2014

Knottie26324882 said:

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to keep my maiden name instead of taking my husband's last name. Two of my aunts and several of my female cousins kept theirs and I've always believed that taking a man's last name is an outdated tradition. My fiancé, however is extremely opposed and argues that we should have the same last name as our children so that I have a stronger connection to them. Personally I could care less whether or not I share a last name with my children. I've brought up the possibility of him taking my last name or for us to create a new one but he's adopted and says that it's the main connection that he has to his family. We both came up with the compromise that I would hyphenate but neither of us are truly happy because he still prefers for me to give up my maiden name and take his and I feel like I'm selling out by giving into his wishes. I'm just afraid we'll both end up resenting each other.

That is just ridiculous. Between carrying the child for 40 or so weeks, BF (if they did) and just overall moms tend to be more of the caretaker, moms tend have a stronger relationship to their kids than dads regardless of their last name. Basically moms have a built-in biological bond.

If anything giving the kids the dad's last name helps bond the dad to the child because they can't bond in the same biological ways moms can.

Bottom like your name your choice.

Viczaesar · October 2014

princessleia22 said:

Also, a lot of woman on here compromise by moving their maiden name to be their middle name then take husbands last name. My sister did this. That allows them to keep that connection to their family while still taking husbands name. Then you can choose to use just married last name or you could sign with full name to include the maiden name. But, legally you, husband, and kids would all have same name. So that may be a compromise to consider in this situation.

Or since he's the one who wants everyone to have the same last name, he can change his current last name to his middle name and take her last name.

ohannabelle · October 2014

Never changed my name, don't have the same last name as my children. I'm sure that it didn't impair our connections. By the time they were old enough to realize my name wasn't mom, we were safely and fully bonded.

Your FI sounds very young.

I really think you two need a pre marriage counselor on this, to act as a mediator on the issue. Resentful and refusing to respect your feelings are not a good way to start things.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Between DH's and my 6 parents, there are 5 different last names. My parents divorced and remarried. Mom kept her maiden name this go 'round, while step-mom took my dad's name. His mom is widowed and remarried, and hyphenated her last name. Should I have transferred my bond with my mother over to my step-mom? Since I took H's name, should I now see his grandmother as my mother, because she's the closest one with whom I currently share a last name? Of course not. I don't call my mother Mrs. Henderson; I call her Mom. And so will your kids will call you Mom, regardless of your last name.

Your name doesn't define your bond with anyone, whether parent, child or spouse. I felt no particular attachment to my last name because I had simply inherited it - nobody chose it for me. My parents chose my first and middle names, so it was more important to me that those stay intact versus taking my last name as my middle name. My bond with my family remains the same, regardless of our now disparate surnames. But I don't expect everyone on earth to share this sentiment. I understand and respect your FI's attachment to his name given the adoption, and he should understand and respect your attachment to your own name.

MyNameIsNot · October 2014

He needs to get over it, pure and simple.

This is your name, your decision. You shouldn't be forced to defend your decision or compromise to make him happy. If he can't respect your decision, he needs to keep it to himself.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I agree with what others have said, most particularly the comment that your FI sounds immature about this issue (@ohannabelle).

It was never a serious consideration for me to change my last name because (a) I never wanted to, (b) my fiancé doesn't feel strongly one way or the other, and © women actually cannot change their last names following marriage in our current province.

That being said, it's important for me that our children have their parents' names and so they will have (my last name)-(fiancé's last name). This could be an option to propose to your fiancé if he thinks it's important for children and mothers to share a name.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Since any child I have will probably be older and come with his/her own name, this will likely be moot. But if I were to get pregnant, the first child would have his last name if it's a boy, my last name if it's a girl, and the second child will have the other parent's last name. One kid for each of us. The third kid I guess would have to hyphenate.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

If you suggest that he take YOUR name in order to keep the "family" together and he chafes at it, you'll know that is a bullshit reason (I mean, it IS a bullshit reason, but it might get him to see that it is.)

I don't know where I'm going to land on the name thing, but I do know that it will have everything to do with being a wholehearted, willing choice on my part. If you have to be talked into it, it isn't a great idea.

frewinclaire · October 2014

You totally should if you want! I wrote a whole blog post on it here. Have a read!

http://bridechiller.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/to-give-or-receive.html

Read my Blog at http://bridechiller.blogspot.com/

Viczaesar · October 2014

frewinclaire said:

You totally should if you want! I wrote a whole blog post on it here. Have a read!
http://bridechiller.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/to-give-or-receive.html

Read my Blog at http://bridechiller.blogspot.com/

Nobody likes a newbie who posts just to advertize her blog.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

If he really wants everyone to have the same name, he can take yours.

Or, the next time he says he's concerned about you having a close connection to your kids you can just laugh at him, call him a jerk, say he must be hi, and point out that since you'd be the one with any bio kids inside you you're pretty sure it will be good.

Maybe have a convo about male privilege while you're at it. That's always good times.

LauraMay23 · November 2014

I'm adopted and i really do think it changes the relationship you have with your last name. If i change my name when I get married, it'll be the third name i've had.
Mostly the idea of losing the connection to my adoptive parents scares me on a deep and totally irrational level.
when my name changed from my birth family's to my adoptive family's, i lost that birth family. even though i know its crazy and irrational, part of me is terrified that if i change my name, i'll be losing my family. again.
Also by being taken into my adoptive family, I was kind of rescued from a life in an orphanage/care system, so kind of feel like it would be disrespectful to them to lose that name.
Also as an adoptee the name=family thing is quite deeply ingrained. like i said, in my head new name = new family and losing the old one.

So from that point of view I do understand why your future husband feels that sharing a name means you'll all be a solid family unit, why he feels like sharing a name with your children connects you to them(after all his name was changed to that of his adoptive parents to connect them) and why he doesnt want to feel like hes losing his family by changing his name.

None of it makes it okay to force you into a decision you're not comfortable with.
But do try to understand that as an adoptee he has some deeply ingrained issues that are incredibly difficult to get past.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I agree with the above PP as an adopted child too. But besides that and I am really not trying to be snarky.. Isn't this a conversation that should be had before the engagement. Just like the child or no child conversation?? They are so important and deal breakers for some it just seems like a very important to have if there was any though of conflict.

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

RachelLee83 said:

I agree with the above PP as an adopted child too. But besides that and I am really not trying to be snarky.. Isn't this a conversation that should be had before the engagement. Just like the child or no child conversation?? They are so important and deal breakers for some it just seems like a very important to have if there was any though of conflict.

I would hope that a man wouldn't refuse to marry someone because she wanted to keep her name as is. SMH

KatWAG · November 2014

I am still a bit confused as to why the OP would be okay taking a new created or combined name but not taking her H's name.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

KatWAG said:
I am still a bit confused as to why the OP would be okay taking a new created or combined name but not taking her H's name.

Because then they would both be taking on a new identity together instead of her just losing hers was my thought.

esstee33 · November 2014

KatWAG said:

I am still a bit confused as to why the OP would be okay taking a new created or combined name but not taking her H's name.

What @STARMOON44 said. I don't think the OP wants to change her name at all, but since she sees how important it is to her fiance that they have the same name, she's willing to compromise.

I Want to Keep my Maiden Name

Re: I Want to Keep my Maiden Name

Choose Another Board

Search Boards