I'm not sure where to post this, I figured I'd post this here because I need real, honest, blunt advice... but man, I am having an issue with my fiance's sister.
We do not speak at all, okay? I've met her of course but she's never made any effort to even speak to me.
I assume that part of it has everything to do with how they grew up (they grew up pretty damn bad and poor), but she's very social with others but not her family. She seems distant but is there for the holiday festivities.
Anyway, strike #1: My fiance told me that a couple of months ago, she assume that he was my sugar daddy because we were going out to nice places (mind you, these places are like TGIFs and Madame Tussauds.. nothing even exclusive). I think she isn't used to that because of where she grew up and folks didn't have the money to do that. I just could not believe she would go there! I mean, if you're curious, why can't you ask questions? You're going to just assume like that? Because a man is taking out his woman, she must be doing it for money? I also hope it isn't some racial thing because he's White and I'm Black.. I hope she doesn't think the only way I'd date a white man is if he had money because trust me, he is dead broke right now .. He was just making a little good money when he moved to NY on a scholarship last year and was able to get a job with the school. I am not the first Black girl he's dated, btw (not that it matters but it might to some who are trying to make sense of this)
Strike #2: My fiance and I got into an argument a few days ago, not about her BUT he mentioned that she assumed (yes, again) that our relationship wouldn't last because of his financial situation (and because of our ages, 20/23). Honestly, that pissed me off to high heavens!!!! Because now, he's starting to believe that I get mad at him easier because I don't value the relationship as much as I used to when he had money (his words).. and this is completely not true and he knows it. I'm the one who's been helping him find jobs and helping him apply. There's even one job I made him apply to and they friggin' called him the next day! Who else is doing that but me? Not her! And as far as our ages, we are a different bunch. We WANT to settle down. The whole drinking, partying, and sleeping around scene was never for me at all. I was always different.. I've always thought about having just one person to commit to. I hate that people use my age as an excuse to think they can bash me, or us. It's not fair.
It's so weird because he's always telling me that his family is never in his personal life, which is true because they don't even bother.. I remember trying to reach out to his sister before about something because she knows him way better than I do and she completely shrugged me off. But for a sister who acts like she doesn't care and is so distant (especially to him, he told me he cannot speak to her about anything), she sure does A LOT of assuming! I want to believe that it's because there was a time he did tell her that he thinks he might break up with me because we were arguing A LOT and I think she just took that and ran with it. But he is clearly happy.. he never stops talking about me, posting about me.. Yes, we had our days but I believe we're actually a very strong couple and the arguments we've had actually helped us discover our likes, dislikes, and much more. But I think it's something deeper than him telling her that. I don't know what it is.
You know what's killing me more? I fought hard to get over the sugar daddy comment, grew some balls and swallowed my pride and asked her to be my bridesmaid a couple of weeks ago. She happily accepted! That was great.. I actually wasn't expecting her to accept.. but now I am confused! I am thinking so hard about kicking her out of the wedding party but THAT'S HIS SISTER :-/ I feel like she disrespects our relationship and one times too many! I'm starting to think she's a bit envious of us because we're so young and we were able to find love and make it work.. while her first love has moved on and my fiance feels like she's still not over that. Oh, I just want to add that when he mentioned that we were engaged, she got pissed and said she doesn't know why people need to take relationships to the next level... WTF?
What do I do? I'm trying to think of the problems that can happen AFTER marriage.. like when I have kids and she may want to see them but I don't know how I feel about letting someone who thinks so negatively about me around my kids. I'm just so conflicted right now. It's so hard to be the bigger person at times like this.
[We plan on getting married on April 16th, 2016 btw]
P.S: Sorry for the mistakes if there are some, I'm rushing to type this
Re: Future Sister-In-Law Issues!
I'm the fuck out.
I asked her because I thought it was the right thing to do... Much regret. Such pain.
Edit - I wish I were more active on this site.. I've been here for a while and should have definitely posted this and then asked if it was a good idea.
I'm the fuck out.
You know, she actually said this to me:
"And if you want to reconsider, my feelings would not be hurt, what's most important is that I'm there for the big day."
That response was after she mentioned that she will be in law school and she most likely won't be there for the pre-wedding festivities. She was actually being nice and I was shocked. She even said "I would love to be your bridesmaid."
Do you think it's just best if I meet up with her, feel her out, address the situation and/or concerns she has about me being with her brother and just settle it once and for all. I don't want to be curious forever nor do I want her thinking things of me forever.
You've asked her, so that's that. Just let her remain in the party, keep wedding details to a minimum, and be polite and cordial. There is no need to start drama, which is what will happen if you kick her out of the WP/confront her. You and FI need to be on the same page. Obviously there are some trust issues if he asked you to confirm that you're not with him for the money.
Ignore anything negative she has said, and work on the future that you and FI are building. No need to complicate things.
Perhaps you should first tackle the issue that your fiancé even considered that you were with him because of his money. This is not a good foundation to start on.
@abbyj700 - I don't understand the issue with asking people to be in my bridal party? I didn't know there was a time limit for that. I personally don't think it makes me sound bad, that's EXACTLY how I feel. She's not used to seeing this stuff and when she does she assumes I'm with him for money? No thanks.
@southernbelle0915 - Again, I've made the decision to ask the people who are closest to me (except her) to be in my bridal party. I don't get it.. if you know you have close girlfriends, you ARE going to want them to be part of your bridal party.. I don't think there's a time I should wait to ask. It is my decision, after all. Honestly, if I kick her out now, I highly doubt she'll start any drama with me.. they're from a family where they have much bigger fish to fry besides someone kicking them out of their wedding party. I was actually thinking about not talking about the wedding with her at all, I'm glad you mentioned that.. that was my plan.
I really have no choice but to let her run her mouth. I remember when he told me she said those stuff and I was like "YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?" and he got really pissed off at me because I didn't give him a chance to tell me what he said back to her. So, he has defended me and I'm thankful for that!
@KatieinBkln - You're right, lol. But it's just weird to think that this woman, who is older than I am couldn't just sit me down and talk to me.. but instead wants to run her mouth. If she was so curious about who her brother is dating and their intentions, why couldn't she just send me a message, text, or talk to me when I visited their family the first time for Thanksgiving..and then again for Christmas? You know? We've definitely had a talk about the whole situation. He pretty much told me that's how his sister is. You're probably the only one who thinks my wedding is far out because two days ago, my mother reminded me that I'll be getting married in a year and a half :-/ lol. It's not as far out when we think about it. 2015 is already almost here. I'll try my best to just forget about it and focus on more important things.. I just have a habit of thinking long term.. I just have a really bad experience with people talking crap about my mother to me because they didn't like her and I don't want that to happen to my kids with her.
@suorange - No. You're way off. I'm not lying when I say this guy isn't even making sugar daddy money. But when your self esteem is really low and you're in a difficult situation and then the person closest to you tells you that your partner is with you for your money.. your mind will start going places, even if he knows deep down inside that is just completely not true.
Ah, I see. Well, on the bright side, I actually haven't an idea of who's going to be in my official bridal party list. I had an idea but who knows, things can change like you said. For example, two girls that I'd love to be in my bridal party.. but they live in two different states.. is that going to work? Maybe, maybe not.
Edit: forgot to add that his family is in Philadelphia