FSIL Drama

DaniBites · October 2014

My FSIL is a bridesmaid. I don't dislike her but she can be a lot to deal with. She has three kids, an 18 year old who will be a groomsmen and two young ones, and we have a cut off age of 13 for the wedding. My poor tired overworked FI had to take THIS phone call today:

"What is (youngest boy) going to be in the wedding?"

What a presumptuous question! Jeez. Anyway FI told her no kids, and she went off the deep end trying to talk him out of it. I'm worried he's going to cave, and my niece and nephew are already not going so if their mom sees other kids it's going to be an issue. I don't know why she thinks this is a negotiation.

Allow me to share with you some gems from the conversation:

"So (HER oldest son), (adult nephew), and (teenage nephew) are all going to be there and my kids can't go?!" I didn't know her child who's a groomsman didn't count?!

"If you died tomorrow wouldn't you want them at the funeral?" WHAT?!

"Read a book on etiquette, adults only doesn't apply to immediate family." I can't.

Am I crazy here or is she out of line? Is this a hill to die on?

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:

My FSIL is a bridesmaid. I don't dislike her but she can be a lot to deal with. She has three kids, an 18 year old who will be a groomsmen and two young ones, and we have a cut off age of 13 for the wedding. My poor tired overworked FI had to take THIS phone call today:

"What is (youngest boy) going to be in the wedding?"

What a presumptuous question! Jeez. Anyway FI told her no kids, and she went off the deep end trying to talk him out of it. I'm worried he's going to cave, and my niece and nephew are already not going so if their mom sees other kids it's going to be an issue. I don't know why she thinks this is a negotiation.

Allow me to share with you some gems from the conversation:

"So (HER oldest son), (adult nephew), and (teenage nephew) are all going to be there and my kids can't go?!" I didn't know her child who's a groomsman didn't count?!

"If you died tomorrow wouldn't you want them at the funeral?" WHAT?!

"Read a book on etiquette, adults only doesn't apply to immediate family." I can't.

Am I crazy here or is she out of line? Is this a hill to die on?

First off, why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid? Second, how old are her other two children? Does the 18 y/o live at home? You really shouldn't be splitting up families like that (inviting one child but bit the other 2). Regardless, you and your FI need to be on the same page on this.

zitiqueen · October 2014

DaniBites said:

My FSIL is a bridesmaid. I don't dislike her but she can be a lot to deal with. She has three kids, an 18 year old who will be a groomsmen and two young ones, and we have a cut off age of 13 for the wedding. My poor tired overworked FI had to take THIS phone call today:

"What is (youngest boy) going to be in the wedding?"

What a presumptuous question! Jeez. Anyway FI told her no kids, and she went off the deep end trying to talk him out of it. I'm worried he's going to cave, and my niece and nephew are already not going so if their mom sees other kids it's going to be an issue. I don't know why she thinks this is a negotiation.

Allow me to share with you some gems from the conversation:

"So (HER oldest son), (adult nephew), and (teenage nephew) are all going to be there and my kids can't go?!" I didn't know her child who's a groomsman didn't count?!

"If you died tomorrow wouldn't you want them at the funeral?" WHAT?!

"Read a book on etiquette, adults only doesn't apply to immediate family." I can't.

Am I crazy here or is she out of line? Is this a hill to die on?

Please clarify. You're not inviting anybody to the wedding who is under 13? Even if it splits up families?

DaniBites · October 2014

We're not splitting any families, 18 year old will be going on his own with his girlfriend.

Edited to add- We're on the same page now, but my concern is he may wear down over time. And he lives at home now but will be out of the house before the wedding.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:
We're not splitting any families, 18 year old will be going on his own with his girlfriend.

Edited to add- We're on the same page now, but my concern is he may wear down over time. And he lives at home now but will be out of the house before the wedding.

The 18 y/o is the brother of uninvited family members. Yes, you are splitting up a family.

DaniBites · October 2014

Ok, I thought if he was out of the house and an adult getting his own invitation it wouldn't be splitting the family up.

So I guess the question is a little more important now, any advise on what to do? We weren't expecting to have the conversation yet so FI wasn't ready. I'm not looking for a fight with her, but I wanted her to let us have our wedding the way we want to have it. If we're wrong in how we invited the family then I may have to reconsider, but I thought we were ok to cap the age if they were living seperately.

And sorry if my initial post was bitchy, I was heated when I posted it and re reading it I feel bad about how snarky I was

sarahjane222 · October 2014

I really think you should reconsider the 'no kids' thing. I totally understand wanting an adult affair but if it's going to cause problems in the family, it might be easier to give in and just have family only kids invited (especially if it's only a handful of kids).

If you're really against it though, and you don't mind making some waves then stick to your guns - just make sure your FI is right there beside you since it's his family who seems to have the issue with it.

DaniBites · October 2014

Thank you (:
I guess I'm so bent out of shape about this because she's the only one so far who's taken issue with our age cap. She's tried to control every aspect of the wedding and already told FI and I that she knows better than we do how to throw a wedding. She's complained about the dresses I picked for being "just cocktail dresses", which is what I wanted, and wanted to post our venue on fb after we already booked it to find her friends opinion on it. So I feel like she's been really controlling and negative so far and I don't want to start giving in to her, but I'm not sure if this is a special case.

Jen4948 · October 2014

DaniBites said:

Thank you (: I guess I'm so bent out of shape about this because she's the only one so far who's taken issue with our age cap. She's tried to control every aspect of the wedding and already told FI and I that she knows better than we do how to throw a wedding. She's complained about the dresses I picked for being "just cocktail dresses", which is what I wanted, and wanted to post our venue on fb after we already booked it to find her friends opinion on it. So I feel like she's been really controlling and negative so far and I don't want to start giving in to her, but I'm not sure if this is a special case.

When she brings up aspects of the wedding she wants to control, have your FI tell her that it's not her wedding and it's not up to her what happens. She can attend or not, participate or not, but she is not in charge of the plans, and if she doesn't like that, she is not required to attend. If you've been discussing your wedding plans around her, stop, and don't do it again in the future.

Believe me, this is no special case.

zitiqueen · October 2014

DaniBites said:

Ok, I thought if he was out of the house and an adult getting his own invitation it wouldn't be splitting the family up.

So I guess the question is a little more important now, any advise on what to do? We weren't expecting to have the conversation yet so FI wasn't ready. I'm not looking for a fight with her, but I wanted her to let us have our wedding the way we want to have it. If we're wrong in how we invited the family then I may have to reconsider, but I thought we were ok to cap the age if they were living seperately.

And sorry if my initial post was bitchy, I was heated when I posted it and re reading it I feel bad about how snarky I was

The children who don't make the age cut are your FI's niece and nephew. You're really planning to invite the nephew but not his siblings? Yeah, this will certainly endear you to his family and your future SIL.

DaniBites · October 2014

Thanks for the sarcasm when I'm genuinely looking for advise on the situation. I thought it was a different case if he was a) an adult and b) on his own at the time of the wedding. I apologized for the bitchiness of the first post and asked for help because I really was / am unclear about what is right and wrong in the situation. Excuse me for being out of the realm of etiquette without realizing it.

Like I said, she hasn't been easy to deal with for every step of this so I don't know where to draw the line with her. She's the only person who's had problems with any of the planning so far.

Thanks @Jen4948, I definitely don't want to back down on this, but I don't want to be the bitch. I think it'll be crap though if other children don't come and their parents see hers there and get offended...(at this point in our planning I don't even know how we'd accommodate everyone's kids, our guest list is made and we sent out Save the Dates)

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:
Ok, I thought if he was out of the house and an adult getting his own invitation it wouldn't be splitting the family up.

So I guess the question is a little more important now, any advise on what to do? We weren't expecting to have the conversation yet so FI wasn't ready. I'm not looking for a fight with her, but I wanted her to let us have our wedding the way we want to have it. If we're wrong in how we invited the family then I may have to reconsider, but I thought we were ok to cap the age if they were living seperately.

And sorry if my initial post was bitchy, I was heated when I posted it and re reading it I feel bad about how snarky I was

Well, you said in a prior post that the 18 y/o currently lives at home.

Personally, I would include children in your immediate family.

DaniBites · October 2014

I really am not trying to be obtuse, but when did I say that?

We're considering changing it, but our problem is we don't want to start changing our rules just because of her when no one else has taken issue. Nothing is set in stone since invitations haven't gone out yet.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:

I really am not trying to be obtuse, but when did I say that?

We're considering changing it, but our problem is we don't want to start changing our rules just because of her when no one else has taken issue. Nothing is set in stone since invitations haven't gone out yet.

Here:

DaniBites said:

We're not splitting any families, 18 year old will be going on his own with his girlfriend.

Edited to add- We're on the same page now, but my concern is he may wear down over time. And he lives at home now but will be out of the house before the wedding.

DaniBites · October 2014

Oh, right you are. I misread your last post as him living at home at the time of the wedding. I want the money I spent on an English major back.

If him being in their house now makes me wrong for how we invite them for the wedding, I don't really know how to proceed without going overbudget on all the kids in the family or pissing everyone else off and having one person's kids and not everyone else.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:

Oh, right you are. I misread your last post as him living at home at the time of the wedding. I want the money I spent on an English major back. If him being in their house now makes me wrong for how we invite them for the wedding, I don't really know how to proceed without going overbudget on all the kids in the family or pissing everyone else off and having one person's kids and not everyone else.

No worries. It's totally fair to just invite children of your immediate family and not others. I don't think anyone would get offended over that. I think it's a bit more delicate since these are your FI's nieces and nephews. If my uncle got married and my brother / sister was invited and I wasn't, I would feel slighted (and my parents would as well).

kkitkat79 · October 2014

So if a 25 year old still lives at home with his parents does it mean his 12 year old sibling has to be invited too?

artbyallie · October 2014

No one is saying to invite every kid in the family. Just your and FI's siblings' children. How many is that beyond these two?

AddieCake · October 2014

If it were me, I would invite them unless you don't have anything to do with them any other time of year. And I'm guessing that isn't the case if their parents are invited.

AddieCake · October 2014

kkitkat79 said:

So if a 25 year old still lives at home with his parents does it mean his 12 year old sibling has to be invited too?

Are the parents invited or just the 25-year-old? If it's both, I'd say it's awkward not to invite the 12-year-old as well, especially if it is immediate family.

LittleWohlscheid · October 2014

If he's living on his own at the time the invites go out, he counts as his own adult and it wouldn't be splitting the family. At the same time allowing your nieces and nephews wouldn't be awful either, especially if the brother is still at home with them. It's your wedding and your FSIL needs to understand that about all of the things she's complaining about.

DaniBites · October 2014

Update: We told her to bring them so they can be there for the ceremony and we would create a child lounge in the grooms suite of the venue and bring kids movies, some games, and hire a sitter for the night to keep an eye on them during the reception (that way they're supervised AND FSIL can pop in and out and look in on them.) I checked with the venue and made sure they had kids meals, which they do and can be delivered to the kids lounge or they can eat with FSIL at the table then go back to whatever movie or game they're enjoying. FI and I were really pleased with this solution.

FSIL still doesn't approve and wants them IN the reception for the entire time. I really don't know what else I can do, am I still in the wrong here?

We also called FI's cousin who was married last year to get his opinion on what we should do, and he told us she pulled the same thing about his wedding when he only invited her and her husband and not the kids.

She has me unbelievably stressed and I don't know what to do.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

DaniBites said:
Update: We told her to bring them so they can be there for the ceremony and we would create a child lounge in the grooms suite of the venue and bring kids movies, some games, and hire a sitter for the night to keep an eye on them during the reception (that way they're supervised AND FSIL can pop in and out and look in on them.) I checked with the venue and made sure they had kids meals, which they do and can be delivered to the kids lounge or they can eat with FSIL at the table then go back to whatever movie or game they're enjoying. FI and I were really pleased with this solution.

FSIL still doesn't approve and wants them IN the reception for the entire time. I really don't know what else I can do, am I still in the wrong here?

We also called FI's cousin who was married last year to get his opinion on what we should do, and he told us she pulled the same thing about his wedding when he only invited her and her husband and not the kids.

She has me unbelievably stressed and I don't know what to do.

If you invite someone to the ceremony, they must be also invited to the reception.

DaniBites · October 2014

I can't get it right!

So having a supervised area for kids at the reception still doesn't cut it?

ETA: The grooms suite at our venue is at the reception, it's hard to describe the layout of the venue....but they wouldn't be in a completely different room, it's a part of the reception room.

MyNameIsNot · October 2014

DaniBites said:

I can't get it right!

So having a supervised area for kids at the reception still doesn't cut it?

ETA: The grooms suite at our venue is at the reception, it's hard to describe the layout of the venue....but they wouldn't be in a completely different room, it's a part of the reception room.

No. You can't put part of the guest list in a separate area and exclude them from the reception, even if they are children.

Why don't you just do truly adults only instead of this silly 13 year old cut off thing and avoid the whole issue?

DaniBites · October 2014

FI was against having only adults

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

It's okay, we are just trying to help. No, you can't out the kids in a separate supervised area. That would be rude and wouldn't even "count" as them being invited to the reception. How many people does this affect? How many nieces / nephews are under 13?

Kauris · October 2014

So your FI is creating this issue with HIS family, I'd let him deal with it. Anytime FSIL wants to try to discuss it just tell her to talk to her brother.

AddieCake · October 2014

If your fiance wants children there, why are you guys fighting so hard against this? Why is 13 your cutoff?

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I'm probably going against the grain here, but I completely understand why you might want to have a (young)child free event and the 13-14 year cutoff makes sense to me. I also understand why it's difficult to say yes to some kids, but not all of them. Finally, as someone who is closer to friends of the family than blood relatives, I would find it extremely difficult to use the "family only" reason to explain why some kids are allowed and others not.

I don't know the etiquette rules in this type of situation so I could be way off… I think, however, that it is reasonable to split up a family if one is an adult and the other is a younger child. Your fiance needs to explain to his sister why you guys have decided to do this (if it's actually what the two of you want - you seem to be split, which is an entirely other issue) and that you would greatly appreciate it if she could explain to your niece/nephew that it is an event for older people. She could very easily find a great babysitter who will make sure he/she has a fun evening at home.

I completely understand where you're coming from with the idea of the "kids zone," but I think that if you have that, then (a) you need to invite all kids/let their parents know that you will have it and (b) you can't expect the kids to actually stay in that zone. They will come to see their parents or their parents will go get them. In such a case, then you might as well be open to the idea that they're actually invited. It could be a nice way to keep them occupied though.

Finally, if you and your fiance are actually split on this issue, then you need to have a serious conversation. If you're not 100% on board, then it will definitely create friction between you and your in-laws. On the other hand, if you show a united front, they'll probably find it harder to be difficult about it… Since this is an issue with his side of the family though, he really needs to be the one to talk it through with his sister if you guys do decide to not invite his niece/nephew.

zitiqueen · October 2014

Oh for the love of God.

If you invite all of your siblings' kids, regardless of age, and all of your FI's siblings' kids, regardless of age, how many kids will you be inviting?

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