Out-of-Town Guests and the "B-List"

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

Just this weekend I attended a wedding where the bride and groom B-Listed people. Even worse...all the B-Listers were sat at the same table even though they knew other people at different tables. It didn't help that it was the highest numbered table and the furthest from the couple/cake/dance floor. It was just soooooo apparent that they were the "after thoughts".

Needless to say most of the table was complaining and saying snarky things about the bride/groom and their rude behavior. One couple there didn't even realize the obvious B-List (got an invite less than a week from the RSVP date) and once they put two and two together they were PISSED. The one woman even said "If I could get my card out of their highly guarded card box I would take it and leave." (The card box was enclosed and right next to the bride/groom) As soon as dinner was over they left.

I know the bride and groom personally, and they didn't mean to upset anyone. The girl is a friend of mine and the groom was in our wedding party. (And my Husband in theirs). It turns out the B-List was a venue minimum problem combined with a slightly high decline rate. But it upset quite a few people there. (Even I side-eyed it and we were on the A-List).

Long story short, the B-Listed people knew they were second rate and it upset most of them. Others were judging too. Worst part? It all could have been avoided with a little better planning. (in this case a venue with a lower minimum / upgrading the food.

flantastic · October 2014

thisismynickname said:

adk19 said:

MandyMost said:

Obviously the way to go about this is to make a list of everyone, and then start ranking the list by how much you think the guest is likely to afford/contribute to your wedding gift. If you can, call around to friends and relatives who have recently gotten married, and find out who got them the most expensive gifts. Then, you invite these people first. Work your way down the line until you're at capacity for your venue. That way, you're sure to get the biggest return on your investment.

I mean, seriously? If you want to have a wedding for 500 people, then have a wedding for 500 people. No one and nothing is stopping you. It's all a matter of decisions--you decide where and when you're going to have the wedding. If you want 500 people at your wedding, then maybe you'll rent space at a public park on an afternoon and serve only soda and cheap cake. But if you decide that a more expensive wedding is more important than inviting all 500 people, then own that decision. There's no appropriate way to b-list.

Hey, good call! I just made that list, and it turns out that my parents aren't on it because they're on a fixed income and can't afford to give me a grand gift. But Dad's lawyer (who I've only met once) is on the list because I hear that guy gives large cash gifts. Score!

The really scary thing is that my engaged friend, who is trying hard to keep her guest list low, was actually told by her FI's family that certain distant cousins were worth inviting because they give good gifts.
These people exist, guys.

But anyway, like we've all already said, throw a party you can afford with 100% attendance of people who are actually important to you.

That was the reason given for inviting a lot of FILs' family friends. Ugh.

JellyBean52513 · October 2014

There simply is no thoughtful way to B-list your guests. If they weren't important enough that you found space for them on your A-list, chances are good that they you will not miss them on your wedding day if you decide to just cross them off the list altogether.

If this is an issue of your parents telling you that you MUST invite great aunt so-and-so or it will "cause problems," then you need to grow a pair and tell your parents that you will deal with the fallout and that's the end of the discussion. If your parents are helping you pay, then you need to have a heart-to-heart with them about why it would be a hardship for you to leave off your close friends in exchange for family that you aren't close with. If they won't bend, then you can either give in to them or tell them that you'll carry on paying for the wedding yourselves and invite the people you truly want.

I know these aren't the answers you were looking for, but it is what it is. I really mean when I say that there is no thoughtful way to invite people in rounds to your wedding. It's obvious, it makes people feel like an afterthought, and although you might not have felt that way, you shouldn't even take the chance of offending someone else.

lovesclimbing · October 2014

Knottie03355544 said:

Thank you for your responses.

I have been b-listed to many weddings and actually understand and don't get super offended by it. I am sure others have run into this problem -- FH & I have large families that are together almost 200 people, all immediate, not all of whom will be able to come.

I know I am not the only one to have this issue, so was hoping for constructive feedback of how they have dealt with it vs. how rude I am for even trying to be thoughtful about things.

How we dealt with it was getting married at the church my grandparents were members of (so no high fees to use it) and had a cake and punch reception in the church as well. Sure, we wanted a separate venue for the reception so we could have dancing (church didn't allow dancing). Sure, we wanted to serve a full meal. But we couldn't afford it, and there was no way I was asking my parents to pay that much (my parents offered to help with the wedding and paid for about 65-70 percent of it) and in order to have all our friends and family, we did what we had to do. We invited over 300 people, and had about 100-110 attend, I think. It was a lovely wedding, and we didn't B-list anybody.

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