Smoking

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

I've been trying to decide if I'm overreacting about this or not. FI and I were both married to other people, and he used to smoke. I have smoked in high school and college but was never hooked. He told me he smoked for 6 years. Fast forward to two years ago, when he and I met and started dating. He told me he didn't smoke anymore, and I told him I didn't like the smell because it's a migraine trigger. A couple of times he still smoked behind my back. He tried to cover it up, but I could smell it. Over the past two years I've told him why I don't like smoking. Besides it being a migraine trigger, I told him that I don't want to see him do anything to harm his body, which I dont. I've told him that I want him to live as long as he can, so he can be a husband to me, and a father to his kids for as long as possible. Fast forward to last night. He had a cigarette. Again, he tried to cover it up, but I smelled it on his breath. He says he has a lot of stress, and that he sometimes likes to smoke as a stress reliever. If he hadn't been hooked once before, I think I would handle it better. I'm afraid that it'll start out as "once in a while" and escalate from there. I told him that's like a former alcoholic saying that they'll have just one glass of wine. It'll start out that way and then they'll be buying kegs. He thinks I'm controlling him by not wanting him to smoke. He's known the whole time how I feel about this. It's also hitting really hard now because both of my parents have cancer (not from smoking). My father was just diagnosed with cancer LAST WEEK! I hope he can find another stress outlet that doesn't involve him hurting both his body and our relationship. Am I being too controlling over this?

LabLove86 · October 2014

I understand where you're coming from. You're concerned about his health. You don't want migraines. It smells gross. Smoking is a deal breaker for me.

But my ex was a smoker. And more than once he tried to quit "for me". And he ended up resenting me for it. And he was miserable. And he tried to hide it (poorly).

What I've learned from that experience is that you can't ask someone to quit smoking for you (or lose weight, or stop drinking, or quit gambling - ect.) - it is something that the person trying to quit has to WANT to do for themselves.

With my ex - once I realized he was trying to do it "for me" - we set up some guidelines:

1. Don't do it for me. Only do it if it is something you really want to try to do.

2. Don't hide it from me. Don't lie to me.

3. Be honest with me about where you're standing on the subject - even if its different from day to day.

4. Let me try to help you - let me know HOW you want me to try to help you.

Essentially - have a heartfelt conversation with him. Let him know you're concerned, let him know you would like him to quit - but you have to realize it is ultimately his decision, reiterate that it is a trigger for your migraines.

Biggest thing for me was to realize my ex had to make the decision for himself. No for or because of anyone else.

MairePoppy · October 2014

Yes, I think you're being too controlling. As a former smoker, I can tell you that no one can make someone else quit. He already knows all the reasons he shouldn't smoke, but until he wants to quit, he will smoke. Your fi is an adult, he shouldn't have to sneak cigarettes behind your back.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

I don't think you are. I have an ex who smoked, and I found out after we had broken up that he smoked while we were dating and hid it. I was furious. I would have an honest chat with him about it and see how committed he is to quitting.

AddieCake · November 2014

I think it's a serious issue if it is triggering migraines for you.

JoanE2012 · November 2014

decembergrl2014 said:

I've been trying to decide if I'm overreacting about this or not. FI and I were both married to other people, and he used to smoke. I have smoked in high school and college but was never hooked. He told me he smoked for 6 years. Fast forward to two years ago, when he and I met and started dating. He told me he didn't smoke anymore, and I told him I didn't like the smell because it's a migraine trigger. A couple of times he still smoked behind my back. He tried to cover it up, but I could smell it. Over the past two years I've told him why I don't like smoking. Besides it being a migraine trigger, I told him that I don't want to see him do anything to harm his body, which I dont. I've told him that I want him to live as long as he can, so he can be a husband to me, and a father to his kids for as long as possible. Fast forward to last night. He had a cigarette. Again, he tried to cover it up, but I smelled it on his breath. He says he has a lot of stress, and that he sometimes likes to smoke as a stress reliever. If he hadn't been hooked once before, I think I would handle it better. I'm afraid that it'll start out as "once in a while" and escalate from there. I told him that's like a former alcoholic saying that they'll have just one glass of wine. It'll start out that way and then they'll be buying kegs. He thinks I'm controlling him by not wanting him to smoke. He's known the whole time how I feel about this. It's also hitting really hard now because both of my parents have cancer (not from smoking). My father was just diagnosed with cancer LAST WEEK! I hope he can find another stress outlet that doesn't involve him hurting both his body and our relationship. Am I being too controlling over this?

I think you're within your rights want a partner that doesn't smoke, for your health and for his. That said, he needs to quit for himself. Has he been deceiving you the past 2 years or is this something he just started again? If he doesn't quit, what will you do? I know for me (as a former smoker myself) having a SO that smokes would be a deal breaker.

levioosa · November 2014

I think the big issue here is that it physically and significantly harms you when he does it, yet he still chooses to. I'm very sensitive to cigarettes and other smells. Even walking down the street and smelling cigarettes sometimes gives me borderline migraines. Places like casinos trigger full on migraines. I would be livid if SO didn't care about that and smoked anyways.

Now, if he was on work trip where you didn't see him for a few days and he had a cigarette or two, I would let it go. But I totally understand the fear of it becoming a habit, since he was addicted once before.

I think you need to have an honest and calm discussion about it. Like Lab said, you can't make him want to change, but he needs to understand how literally excruciating it is for you when he smokes (since migraines are no joke). It is a health issue for you personally, and not just a preference.

RebeccaFlower · November 2014

Smoking would be a deal breaker for me, so I don't think you're being absurd. I do think it's harder since he's a former smoker. I think @LabLove86 gave great advice.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

If someone who promised me a lifetime lied to me about something he knew I cared about and then accused me of being controlling when I got upset about it I'd be posting to the knot from the bathtub of the very expensive hotel room I would have checked into.

It's not controlling to expect him to live up to his own promises.

hellosweetie1015 · November 2014

Well. Coming from a current smoker (whose FI is also a smoker)... you're not going to make him quit. I understand that it's a migraine trigger, and that's definitely super shitty of him that he isn't thinking about your health. But - to me, as a smoker, and I understand that if/when I become a former smoker this thought may change - one cigarette occasionally is not him smoking again, it's him having one cigarette as a quick de-stress.

I would definitely make him aware that it isn't something you appreciate, but I wouldn't tell him he HAS to stop, because that will just make him feel like it's something that could end his relationship with you, which will put MORE stress on him, which will escalate the cycle and possibly make the problem worse and not better. I don't know how to have this conversation but I would approach it as calmly as possible and try not to make him feel like shit about it. Not that I think you would, but to be honest your OP kind of made me feel like shit, and I try to be a very considerate smoker - I keep a toothbrush, toothpaste and body spritzer in my desk at work to try and control the smell, and a spritzer in my car as well for when I go in stores and things.

ETA the HIDING IT would be a bigger dealbreaker for me, whether or not I was a smoker. Forgot that aspect.

CMGragain · November 2014

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone who smoked. It has to do with my personal family history. When I smell tobacco smoke I want to throw up. That is me.
You need to decide how important this is.

Sugargirl1019 · November 2014

He needs to respect your wishes. It is to have zero smoking now. If he can't respect your wishes, then something needs to happen. Therapy, discussion or leaving him.

So no you are not being too controlling. Smoking is a hard line in my relationship. I don't stand for it AT ALL.

WinstonsGirl · November 2014

I don't see this as being controlling, since there are medical repercussions for you too. But PP's are right, and he won't/shouldn't quit for you. He has to want to do it. You need to decide if you can live with it, and if you can't/aren't willing to, then you need to consider leaving. For me, this is a deal breaker, and I'd never date a smoker. You have to decide what you are willing to live with within your relationship.

Another note, one of my BFF's is married to a smoker. He said he would quit while they were dating, then before they got engaged, then before marriage and finally before they had kids/when they and kids. 2 kids later and he's still outside regularly smoking. He has a horrible smoker's cough too. He doesn't really want to quit so he doesn't (or wants to but finds it too hard to do so).

larrygaga · November 2014

Yes, if you keep him from smoking it will guarantee him a long life. Nothing else could possibly happen.

NavyBlue143 · November 2014

Has he tried e cigarettes? And not those crappy ones that look like cigarettes but the larger modified ones that actually feel more lile the real thing and deliver nicotine better. One of the hardest things about quitting smoking, besides the nicotine addiction, is the hand to mouth habit. H has gradually stepped down the nicotene content in his liquids and eventually hopes to get to 0. But after over a decade of smoking I don't think he would know what to do with his hands if he gave up the e cig altogether. I don't like that he's still addicted to nicotene, but I don't get migraines from the smell (I actually like the scent of some of his flavors and now call his e cig my little air freshener) and his senses of smell and taste have returned. It takes some time to find the mod and nicotine level that works.

But I agree your FI needs to quit for himself, and feeling like he has to hide it from you will only compound the issue. When H smoked the rule was he had to change clothes, shower, and brush his teeth before he came near me, because I wasn't about to have a migraine because of him.

zitiqueen · November 2014

If you don't want to spend your life with a smoker, don't marry a smoker. Easy-peasy.

RebeccaB88 · November 2014

I have asthma plus another medical condition that make me violently reactive to any kind of tobacco smoke. I can have a severe reaction just from the residual smoke on someone's clothes or in their hair. If I go to a concert at the casino, I have to take a preventative, 2 inhalers, and wear a mask. I can't be in a car where someone has smoked, stay in a hotel room where someone has smoked, or be in a house or apartment where someone has smoked. I have to hold my breath walking through smoke outdoors. I don't get to go to a lot of places I'd like to because they allow smoking (like clubs and bars where my friends' bands do shows). It's a pain in the butt, but it is what it is.

I'm upfront with guys I date that smoking, of any sort, is a dealbreaker for me, and why it is. I usually only date guys who have never smoked, but if they have, they get the third degree about it. There's no point in me dating a smoker and then trying to change him to fit my needs - if he smokes, then he's not the right guy for me, period. I'm not going to demand he quit or not start, but I am going to make it clear to him that I will not under any circumstances be in a relationship with someone who smokes, and that is for my own good. Hell, it could even be fatal to me. It's my responsibility to watch out for my health. If they started (or started again) behind my back, it would be every bit as much about the deception as about his ability to kill me with it. Both are dealbreakers. So yeah, I take a hard line on it, but I also try to be realistic.

If this guy is deceiving you, about anything, that's a huge red flag and I'd seriously reconsider any relationship with him. If he'd do it about this, what else would he do it about? I started dating a guy several years ago who swore he'd quit and would never pick it up again. Something made me not completely trust that. One night we were out, at an outdoor venue, and he lit up a cigarette. I confronted him about him saying he didn't smoke, and he said "I don't" as he blew smoke in my direction. Yeah. I dumped him as soon as we pulled into my driveway later that night. He never did understand why I considered that a dealbreaker.

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

Thank you, ladies. I never asked him to quit for me. I know it doesn't work that way. He has to want it for himself. He and I talked about it last night. I reminded him how I feel about it, that it's a deal breaker and that it is a migraine trigger for me. He understands. I don't want to force him to quit and then have it backfire on me. I like the idea of the e cigarette. I don't know much about them, but if he still feels the need to smoke, even if it's once in a while, that may work as a compromise, especially in the smell department. He's seen me suffer with migraines that last anywhere from a day to a week. I know he doesn't want that for me. If that doesn't work, then I'll use @STARMOON44‌'s idea. It'll just have to be a jacuzzi tub in a hotel that allows dogs. LOL!

AddieCake · November 2014

My husband has been a smoker for a long time, and he recently switched to vapor. Now he smells like waffles, caramel, apple crisp, etc, instead of smoke, and it doesn't make me cough. He hasn't had a cigarette in months and loves it.

hellosweetie1015 · November 2014

I started the e-cig route right before the house burned, and it worked - I kept a pack with 17 cigarettes in it from the day I bought it to the day the house burned. It worked well in low-stress situations, but the high stress combined with not having the charger (it was in the house, although the e-cig was in my purse with me) made it much harder. I've since replaced the charger, so I'm going to start moving back towards that, especially with the much cooler temperatures on top of us right now (and since we're going to be flying to London and Paris soonish and I don't really want to fly internationally with a bunch of cigarettes packed in my suitcase).

zitiqueen · November 2014

decembergrl2014 said:

Thank you, ladies. I never asked him to quit for me. I know it doesn't work that way. He has to want it for himself. He and I talked about it last night. I reminded him how I feel about it, that it's a deal breaker and that it is a migraine trigger for me. He understands. I don't want to force him to quit and then have it backfire on me. I like the idea of the e cigarette. I don't know much about them, but if he still feels the need to smoke, even if it's once in a while, that may work as a compromise, especially in the smell department. He's seen me suffer with migraines that last anywhere from a day to a week. I know he doesn't want that for me. If that doesn't work, then I'll use @STARMOON44‌'s idea. It'll just have to be a jacuzzi tub in a hotel that allows dogs. LOL!

You keep catching him smoking and trying to cover it up and you're still with him, so clearly it's not a dealbreaker.

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

zitiqueen said:
show previous quotes

decembergrl2014 said:

Thank you, ladies.

I never asked him to quit for me. I know it doesn't work that way. He has to want it for himself.

He and I talked about it last night. I reminded him how I feel about it, that it's a deal breaker and that it is a migraine trigger for me. He understands.

I don't want to force him to quit and then have it backfire on me. I like the idea of the e cigarette. I don't know much about them, but if he still feels the need to smoke, even if it's once in a while, that may work as a compromise, especially in the smell department. He's seen me suffer with migraines that last anywhere from a day to a week. I know he doesn't want that for me.

If that doesn't work, then I'll use @STARMOON44‌'s idea. It'll just have to be a jacuzzi tub in a hotel that allows dogs. LOL!

You keep catching him smoking and trying to cover it up and you're still with him, so clearly it's not a dealbreaker.

@zitiqueen‌ I caught him a year ago, and then again the other night. I reminded him that, yes, indeed it IS a deal breaker!

MairePoppy · November 2014

I don't doubt this is a health issue for you. But he is sneaking cigarettes because he isn't ready to quit. If you don't want to live with a smoker, and I don't blame you for that, don't live with him. Or ask him how he can help you avoid the migraines. He might agree to shower if he's been smoking and if you promise not to lecture him.

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

Before the other night the last time he did this was a year ago.

Some people responded to me about suggesting the e cigarette to him. I think that's a good compromise, and he says he's willing to do that! :-) He can still "smoke" to help with stress, and I won't have to worry about another migraine trigger. The real cigarettes though will always be a non negotiable with me.

jenajjthr · November 2014

You only "know" about a year ago and the other night. It really could be those two nights, it could be many more he hasn't told you about and successfully hidden from you. I say this because of the many that my ex hid from me before the smoking became a regular habit in front of me. My ex was a master at lying in other ways as well, this was just the tip of the iceberg, so take that for what it is.

If you say smoking is a deal breaker, he's done it at least twice now, then you have to think about breaking the deal. Or at least, a mini-break.

zitiqueen · November 2014

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

@zitiqueen‌, I'm really getting sick and tired of your snarky comments! I came on here looking for some advice and support. If you don't want to contribute then STFU!!!!

AddieCake · November 2014

decembergrl2014 said:

@zitiqueen‌, I'm really getting sick and tired of your snarky comments! I came on here looking for some advice and support. If you don't want to contribute then STFU!!!!

You're not new. You know you don't get to tell people how or if to post.

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

No, but like everyone else I'm entitled to express an opinion about a comment, and that's exactly what I did!

MobKaz · November 2014

Although I think the e-cigarettes resolve one issue, it does not resolve all issues. The e-cigarette still contains nicotine, and that is the addictive portion of the smoking program. I would worry that because he feels "safer" smoking the e-cigarettes (from your POV), he might smoke more frequently, which in turn will feed the addiction. I would worry that the e-cigarettes would no longer be "sufficient", and he would begin to crave the "real deal" again.

**Disclaimer**My knowledge of e-cigarettes is limited.

AddieCake · November 2014

decembergrl2014 said:

No, but like everyone else I'm entitled to express an opinion about a comment, and that's exactly what I did!

Right. And she is entitled to post whatever she wants as well. No reason to make a big deal about it.

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