Disappointed in youth

climbingsingle · November 2014

larrygaga said:

Spanking at 17 kind of is creepy and weird and way over the line

Totally and completely agree.

Also, I left home when I was 16 for quite a few months. My father was extremely verbally abusive to all of us, and I couldn't take it anymore. I lived with my friend, and continued going to HS. I still got good grades, I still graduated and I went to college. And my leaving home made my parents get into therapy. I went to therapy myself the entire time I was living away from home.

l9i · November 2014

Hmm... I have a similar story about my nephew. He was also (still is) in a similar place as the girl you descibed. Him and my neice (16 and now also has the same issues) bounce from their mom (my sister) and dad's places, both with SOs. The live with whoever gives them the most freedom at any given time. Last year my nephew stole money ($300+) from mom's BF. When he was yelled at and grounded (all that happened according to niece and later nephew) he called CPS and reported that the BF threatened him and put a gun to his face (he's a big hunter). After they investigated they found out none of that happened and he was just angry he got caught for stealing and grounded.

So yeah, I get your story. I think the spanking is weird for an adult male to a teenage girl but I also think the girl needs to understand the seriousness of her actions. I work with kids and have seen so many misguided or spoiled youth. I also think there are many times when the fault lies in poor parenting. Just my take on it.

ohannabelle · November 2014

She might be the greatest pain in the ass obnoxious lying manipulative teenager ever born (which is a stiff competition) but she didn't get that way on her own. If she's reported a parent previously, she should have already been in a professional counseling situation. If this has happened three times, it's a huge WTF, and something's seriously wrong.

17 is far too old to be "smacked." And "smacking" (if you don't want to call it hitting) a child/young woman who has already made multiple CPS reports? Exactly what did he think the results would be? It doesn't say much for Dad, that he knew this was a pattern of behavior, and still thought it was a good idea.

Did I say 17 was too old to be hit? I did, and apologize. There is no age when striking a child is okay. It sends a message that the way to handle conflict, stress, or frustration is with intimidation, humiliation, and pain.

I disagree with your assessment that Dad is a great guy, and a victim. He needs serious parenting classes, and needed them yesterday, when he saw his daughter's behavior spiraling out of control. And so do the other adults in her life. Being a "pushover" is another way of saying "didn't step up and take parental responsibility."

You can't fix this child. You can encourage the adults in her life to seek professional help, because it sounds like they need direction. This whole story is "poor mom and dad," but should be "Why the fuck haven't mom and dad taken serious action before now."

Counseling for everyone.

novella1186 · November 2014

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the niece if I were you, OP. You don't know what goes on in private, even if you're at the house a lot. What most people don't know about me or my dad is that he had a tendency to be abusive when I was growing up.

He's a big fish in a small pond. Everyone in town knows him and thinks he's great. He even won the Humanitarian of the Year award in that city and the local news made a huge deal about. He donates money, volunteers, is all over the social scene, what great guy! And he buys his daughters everything they want and spends tons of money on them. What spoiled brats!

He's always had some serious rage issues. When no one else was around, he would fucking terrify me. I once lit incense in my room and he didn't like the smell so he slammed me into a wall and said I'd learn "what real pain is." I can't even tell you how terrified I was, and no one had any idea that this is what was really going on in our house. The physical abuse finally stopped when I realized I could call for help. He'd come after me or threaten me, and I'd pick up the phone and say "if you lay a hand on me, I'm calling the cops." He would back off and I never had to call.

But because of his reputation, I guarantee that if I ever had called the cops on him, everyone-- including his closest friends and our neighbors and probably even most of our relatives-- would have assumed I was just being a spoiled brat and didn't get my way, so I was trying to get my dad in trouble to get back at him.

I hate sharing this story. I've hardly told anyone about it, because it's just something I hate remembering. But I think it's important to know that you really can't judge someone else's home life, because you really never know.

emmaaa · November 2014

This is a tough situation all around.

I feel for the child that she is obviously in pain and going to extreme attempts to heal it or just to have the pain noticed. I think her parents need to have a come to Jesus meeting with her and explain to her that her actions will have consequences. It is important for them to reinforce that now and stand their ground on a punishment they give her. If the parents can act as a united team, even though they are divorced, she will learn she an't play them against each other. And just like all actions, her decision to call CPS and make a false claim should be noticed as well. However, this is a bad situation because her father did spank her. A 17 year old. At that point, spanking is not okay. If for some reason the father is more abusive than you know, you don't want her afraid to call CPS again and you don't want CPS to think she is "crying wolf."

Another issue is the parents obviously ignoring signs that she is unhappy and in pain. Even at 17, she is still their child. They could help her by putting her in counselling where she can express her anger in a healthy and productive way. Instead they ground her and take away punishments because she pitches a fit.

As much as you want to be there for her, she doesn't want you to and you just pushing yourself into her life will only create a void between you. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say, "I'm here for you not matter what if you ever need anything." Other than that, I think this a parenting issue that they need to handle.

On the note about her moving in with her friend and not finishing high school: that is a possibility. But it is also possible that she is actually happier that way and excels academically because she feels safe, loved, and cared about. My senior year of high school I lived with my then BF, now FI, and his family for a few months at a time and off and on all year. My parents had divorced and my dad was drinking and it was not the best situation to be in. In the time I was with him and his family, my grades improved and I honestly just felt better, happier, because I was in a caring and supportive environment. I graduated second in my class. It is possible. If she does end up being emancipated, support her. That is all she porbably wants is the love and support.

lurkergirl · November 2014

novella1186 said:

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the niece if I were you, OP. You don't know what goes on in private, even if you're at the house a lot. What most people don't know about me or my dad is that he had a tendency to be abusive when I was growing up.

He's a big fish in a small pond. Everyone in town knows him and thinks he's great. He even won the Humanitarian of the Year award in that city and the local news made a huge deal about. He donates money, volunteers, is all over the social scene, what great guy! And he buys his daughters everything they want and spends tons of money on them. What spoiled brats!

He's always had some serious rage issues. When no one else was around, he would fucking terrify me. I once lit incense in my room and he didn't like the smell so he slammed me into a wall and said I'd learn "what real pain is." I can't even tell you how terrified I was, and no one had any idea that this is what was really going on in our house. The physical abuse finally stopped when I realized I could call for help. He'd come after me or threaten me, and I'd pick up the phone and say "if you lay a hand on me, I'm calling the cops." He would back off and I never had to call.

But because of his reputation, I guarantee that if I ever had called the cops on him, everyone-- including his closest friends and our neighbors and probably even most of our relatives-- would have assumed I was just being a spoiled brat and didn't get my way, so I was trying to get my dad in trouble to get back at him.

I hate sharing this story. I've hardly told anyone about it, because it's just something I hate remembering. But I think it's important to know that you really can't judge someone else's home life, because you really never know.

Oh, honey. I just want to smother you with hugs.

novella1186 · November 2014

lurkergirl said:

novella1186 said:

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the niece if I were you, OP. You don't know what goes on in private, even if you're at the house a lot. What most people don't know about me or my dad is that he had a tendency to be abusive when I was growing up.

He's a big fish in a small pond. Everyone in town knows him and thinks he's great. He even won the Humanitarian of the Year award in that city and the local news made a huge deal about. He donates money, volunteers, is all over the social scene, what great guy! And he buys his daughters everything they want and spends tons of money on them. What spoiled brats!

He's always had some serious rage issues. When no one else was around, he would fucking terrify me. I once lit incense in my room and he didn't like the smell so he slammed me into a wall and said I'd learn "what real pain is." I can't even tell you how terrified I was, and no one had any idea that this is what was really going on in our house. The physical abuse finally stopped when I realized I could call for help. He'd come after me or threaten me, and I'd pick up the phone and say "if you lay a hand on me, I'm calling the cops." He would back off and I never had to call.

But because of his reputation, I guarantee that if I ever had called the cops on him, everyone-- including his closest friends and our neighbors and probably even most of our relatives-- would have assumed I was just being a spoiled brat and didn't get my way, so I was trying to get my dad in trouble to get back at him.

I hate sharing this story. I've hardly told anyone about it, because it's just something I hate remembering. But I think it's important to know that you really can't judge someone else's home life, because you really never know.

Oh, honey. I just want to smother you with hugs.

Aw thank you

I'm ok now, though. And he wonders why he and I have such a shitty relationship....

princessofgenovia · November 2014

I went to school with a girl who called CPS because her parents took away her cell phone after she got caught using it in class for the third time. They didn't yell or get mad they just said "Ok, no more cell phone", this was like freshman year, so we were maybe 14 or 15, they paid for the phone.

That one made me roll my eyes. That was her only complaint to CPS that her parents were "Taking her property" but CPS had to investigate anyways and of course found nothing because taking away a cell phone you pay for is not a crime. It's parenting.

But, at 17, she's almost an adult. Her father does not need to be touching her butt, or any part of her, that isn't absolutely necessary. If it's a matter of life and death, if she's incapacitated and unable to properly care for herself, then I can understand, but otherwise, she has every right to not be touched. Especially in what is considered a somewhat intimate place. I mean, do you want your dad to smack your ass at your age? My dad and I have a great relationship, and I would have freaked out if he touched my butt when I was 17.

hellosweetie1015 · November 2014

I just have issues with this whole thread. If she felt threatened, she should have called CPS. She did the right thing - if she felt threatened. However, if it was just a stunt - which OP thinks it was based on her knowledge of this person that we as internet people do not know - that pisses me off because my CPS is in a position right now where any semi-credible report is resulting in blanket shelter care, and it's on the parents to produce the proof that they aren't actually shitty parents. The process is that CPS takes them the night before, gets a hearing set, parents get notification, and meet their appointed attorney about one minute before the hearing.

Was it inappropriate for the father to smack a 17 year old girl on the ass? Yes. 100000000%. DOES IT WARRANT POSSIBLE FOSTER CARE FOR HER AND HER SIBLINGS? On its own, NO.

The entire subject of Child Protective Services and the Department of Human Resources pisses me off nowadays.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

hellosweetie1015 said:
I just have issues with this whole thread. If she felt threatened, she should have called CPS. She did the right thing - if she felt threatened. However, if it was just a stunt - which OP thinks it was based on her knowledge of this person that we as internet people do not know - that pisses me off because my CPS is in a position right now where any semi-credible report is resulting in blanket shelter care, and it's on the parents to produce the proof that they aren't actually shitty parents. The process is that CPS takes them the night before, gets a hearing set, parents get notification, and meet their appointed attorney about one minute before the hearing.

Was it inappropriate for the father to smack a 17 year old girl on the ass? Yes. 100000000%. DOES IT WARRANT POSSIBLE FOSTER CARE FOR HER AND HER SIBLINGS? On its own, NO.

The entire subject of Child Protective Services and the Department of Human Resources pisses me off nowadays.

No part of the solution to this problem rests on relying on children to act responsibly. None. A 17 year old girl didn't create this. And no way do I want to be sending any sort of message that really you should think twice about calling child services because they are busy. Children didn't make that problem. Children's actions don't fix it.

doeydo · November 2014

"Kids, don't call CPS or seek help of any kind, because you will be judged and people will think you are a liar. Don't you love your parents? Then you shouldn't tell anyone what happened, because then it would be your fault" UM, no. Children and teens should not be blamed for speaking up about something. If she did in fact "embellish" the story of what he did to her, it was probably only so she could be taken more seriously and she could move out or something (not saying it was the right thing to do, just that in her mind it might have made sense to her at the time).

Disappointed in youth

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